MJA89 Posted March 27, 2010 Posted March 27, 2010 I am engaged to the most amazing woman. We are compatible in every way except intimacy. We dated for 14 months before engagement and have been engaged for three months. Aside from heavy petting, we have not had sex. For a multitude of reasons we decided to wait, but she always said she wanted to make love with me, but appreciated my slow approach tot he relationship. She asked me to get a vasectomy (I already have kids from a previous marriage) because she is at high risk for birth defects due to medication that also makes other forms of BC ineffective. I agreed because I felt that I shared a responsibility in participating actively in the BC decision. On the eve of the operation she told me that, while all of the reasons for her wanting me to get the operation were true (they are) she has a problem with intimacy. She added that she had resolved herself to a sexless life alone until I came along and that she had never enjoyed sex previously. I tried to comfort her and tell her that we would go slow and work it out together. I went ahead with the operation. Now she seems more distant than ever physically. I feel that the operation and her reasons for wanting me to go through with it, while truthful, also served to push issues with intimacy further down the road. She is very interested on how far along I am to getting the final OK from the lab that the operation was a success, not something she would normally ask about (ie. just how many times have you masturbated, per doctors orders). At this point there is hardly any intimacy at all with her. I know that she is shy and nervous, but I am at the point that I cannot take another rejection, kiss cut short, etc. I don't even feel comfortable initiating a kiss anymore. We are getting married in a few months and I love her with all of my heart, I want to make love to her, but it seems like I have to consider the possibility that that will never happen. Is there a realistic possibility that a sexless relationship/marriage can survive? I feel like such an ass for letting my desire to make love to my fiance get in the way of our relationship. She admits that it is her, not me, although I'm not sure what that means. If it is a marriage we are talking about, isn't it about us? How can I fix this/address it with her without being a sex-starved, insensitive ass?
Clep Posted March 27, 2010 Posted March 27, 2010 Do you know if she would consider counselling...or would you? It was put to me that a married couple is joined in life, the mind and the genitals. I cannot possibly see a sexless marriage working but that's just me. It is apparent you are not interested in a sexless marriage so do you really want to marry her with this unresolved?
xxoo Posted March 27, 2010 Posted March 27, 2010 Is there a realistic possibility that a sexless relationship/marriage can survive? No, not if one party strongly desires a sexual relationship. How can I fix this/address it with her without being a sex-starved, insensitive ass? The most important thing you can do is be honest about what you need, and what you are capable of living with, BEFORE marriage. She needs to do the same. Lay it out on paper, if necessary. It is NOT insensitive to express your needs. It is absolutely necessary, and no relationship can survive without that kind of healthy, direct communication. If the two of you can not communicate that clearly and honestly, pre-marital counseling is necessary. Then, after listening to each others needs, be honest about whether you each can meet those needs. Right now, it sounds like the answer is no. You are basically incompatible. Admitting that you can not accept a sexless marriage isn't acting sex starved or insensitive. It is being honest, and, premaritally, is the kindest thing you can do. If you marry her under the current circumstances, without admitting that you NEED a sexual relationship, you will without a doubt grow to become an insensitive ass out of resentment. It is much kinder to find out now if you are compatible, and save you both a lot of heartbreak down the road.
MichelleZB Posted March 27, 2010 Posted March 27, 2010 It's not being insensitive to want at least some physical intimacy with your wife. You two may just not be compatible. Is she expecting you to be sexually monogamous in your relationship? Is she expecting you just not to have sex with her, or does she want you to not have sex at all for your whole life, simply because of her own preferences? Because I think that's being a little insensitive. Perhaps if sex isn't important to her, she'll let you do that not-important thing with other people. But even then, you have to look at whether you'd want to take that deal, because some people don't really want to separate their romantic and sexual relationships. I think you should work this out before you get married.
Toodamnpragmatic Posted March 27, 2010 Posted March 27, 2010 (edited) How an adult with children, already married would then enter a 14 month non-sexual relationship with a woman and have no idea about her "issues" around intimacy and sex, be engaged (with a wedding date), have a vasectomy and then be told after the promise of "making love" not having sex, that his fiance really doesn't like it and that he better be prepared for a sexless marriage. In addition you have engaged in heavy petting but had no inkling she was not enjoying it???? Are you that STUPID!!!!!!???? As I told another poster, get her some sex toys, a book, send her to her room to figure out how enjoyable sex is, make an appointment for counseling IC and Couples and do it right away, as you have maybe a month to cancel the wedding....... I have now read your other post and your fiance is a basket case with significant issues to get through. And shame on you, after a 20 year marriage to be that blind to the warning signs. I must ask how someone who has been in a 20 year relationship with a decent sex life, could then enter a 14 month relationship with no sex and be okay and understanding and believe it will change miraculously on your wedding night???? Edited March 27, 2010 by Toodamnpragmatic
giotto Posted March 27, 2010 Posted March 27, 2010 How an adult with children, already married would then enter a 14 month non-sexual relationship with a woman and have no idea about her "issues" around intimacy and sex, be engaged (with a wedding date), have a vasectomy and then be told after the promise of "making love" not having sex, that his fiance really doesn't like it and that he better be prepared for a sexless marriage. In addition you have engaged in heavy petting but had no inkling she was not enjoying it???? Are you that STUPID!!!!!!???? As I told another poster, get her some sex toys, a book, send her to her room to figure out how enjoyable sex is, make an appointment for counseling IC and Couples and do it right away, as you have maybe a month to cancel the wedding....... I have now read your other post and your fiance is a basket case with significant issues to get through. And shame on you, after a 20 year marriage to be that blind to the warning signs. I must ask how someone who has been in a 20 year relationship with a decent sex life, could then enter a 14 month relationship with no sex and be okay and understanding and believe it will change miraculously on your wedding night???? You said it!
Toodamnpragmatic Posted March 27, 2010 Posted March 27, 2010 You said it! Is how other posters read this and actually put thought into a thoughtful response to such a ridiculous situation that really requires one to just metaphorically want to just grab the OP by the collar, shake violently and tell them "Ar you that DUMB and BLIND"!!!!!!???? Farmgirl too should read this..... I'm too tired to tell her how stoopid she too is.....
norajane Posted March 27, 2010 Posted March 27, 2010 Is there a realistic possibility that a sexless relationship/marriage can survive? No, of course not. Don't get married. You can't even kiss her - why do you want to doom yourself to a lifetime of whatever neurosis/emotional problems she has when it's clear she isn't interested in doing anything to get help for her problems? What's wrong with you that you think it's ok to not even be able to kiss the women you are about to marry? What issues do you have that you would even consider this acceptable?
WalkInThePark Posted March 27, 2010 Posted March 27, 2010 How an adult with children, already married would then enter a 14 month non-sexual relationship with a woman and have no idea about her "issues" around intimacy and sex, be engaged (with a wedding date), have a vasectomy and then be told after the promise of "making love" not having sex, that his fiance really doesn't like it and that he better be prepared for a sexless marriage. In addition you have engaged in heavy petting but had no inkling she was not enjoying it???? Are you that STUPID!!!!!!???? I second that. Especially since there are so many pretty, smart, nice single women without children available who would die to get together with a decent guy with children, and want to be a real partner for him = have no issues about sex at all. What is the matter with some of you guys? It seems like you prefer to be with a woman who frustrates you? Well I can tell you there are plenty of women out there who do not want to frustrate you and do also not want to be frustrated themselves.
dave22 Posted March 28, 2010 Posted March 28, 2010 I can't see a marriage working without sex. At least I could never do it and from what you have said I don't think you could either. Don't expect her to change either. About 1% of the population is asexual, which means they have no interest in sex (look it up). This could be her problem. Or maybe she just has some serious psychological problems. Whatever the case you wouldn't be doing either of you any favours by continuing this.
SarahRose Posted March 28, 2010 Posted March 28, 2010 How can you go through with a marriage to a woman who has been so dishonest with you? Is she even really a woman at all? For all you know she might really be a he
Kenyth Posted March 29, 2010 Posted March 29, 2010 How an adult with children, already married would then enter a 14 month non-sexual relationship with a woman and have no idea about her "issues" around intimacy and sex, be engaged (with a wedding date), have a vasectomy and then be told after the promise of "making love" not having sex, that his fiance really doesn't like it and that he better be prepared for a sexless marriage. In addition you have engaged in heavy petting but had no inkling she was not enjoying it???? Are you that STUPID!!!!!!???? As I told another poster, get her some sex toys, a book, send her to her room to figure out how enjoyable sex is, make an appointment for counseling IC and Couples and do it right away, as you have maybe a month to cancel the wedding....... I have now read your other post and your fiance is a basket case with significant issues to get through. And shame on you, after a 20 year marriage to be that blind to the warning signs. I must ask how someone who has been in a 20 year relationship with a decent sex life, could then enter a 14 month relationship with no sex and be okay and understanding and believe it will change miraculously on your wedding night???? Amen. Really, folks need to get a clue sometimes on what a red flag is and how to identify it. Particularly if it's being toted around the living room by a trumpeting elephant.
ADF Posted March 29, 2010 Posted March 29, 2010 There is a huge lie in the culture that says sex shouldn't be that important, that if you really love someone that is all that matters, etc. Nonsense! Human beings are risen apes, not fallen angels. Sex is a basic need for the vast majority of people. It is vital to their pschological and emotional well-being. Depriving someone of a sex life while claiming to love them is hideously cruel. Rejecting someone sexually makes that person feel unloved, unwanted. My advice: either do not marry this woman, or have her agree to an open marriage. I realize the latter is easier said than done. But she cannot both deny you sex and refuse to let you get your needs met elsehwere. Something had to give.
Mme. Chaucer Posted March 29, 2010 Posted March 29, 2010 I'm very curious about the medication that has a high risk of causing birth defects while rendering all forms of birth control besides sterilization ineffective. I sure haven't heard of everything ... and I have never heard of anything like that. Can anyone clarify what this medication might be?
fit Posted March 29, 2010 Posted March 29, 2010 Is there a realistic possibility that a sexless relationship/marriage can survive? I feel like such an ass for letting my desire to make love to my fiance get in the way of our relationship. She admits that it is her, not me, although I'm not sure what that means. If it is a marriage we are talking about, isn't it about us? How can I fix this/address it with her without being a sex-starved, insensitive ass? Dude. Unless you are going into the marriage with the idea that it will be an "open" relationship (re you can sleep with other women) it will be a disaster for you. Good women are hard to find and I am sure your future wife is a good women by all other counts but you will be miserable without any intimacy n your marriage. I could see if you were 90...but not now.
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