When the SO is/was an Addict

[candymoon]

Hello everyone. I'm not quite new, I've been lurking quite a bit and havent quite seen a story like mine...

 

We're in our mid-30s and have been married for 6 years and together 20. We met when were in HS.

 

We moved in together when we were 24. During that time I worked, went to school and got a couple of bachelor degrees while mostly supporting us, though he managed to JUST make his half of the rent and nothing more.

 

What was he doing? Dope. I'd be up at 7a off to work and then night classes and home about 10p, but staying in contact when he was awake via IMs, phones, etc. After a while, he fancied himself a musician and stayed high all the time. He would sleep until about 4p and be up all night until about 5-6a. There was no ambition for anything. Sometimes I'd even have to remind him to shower as a whole week would go by...

 

At the time, I would tell him about it (or yell). Ask him to either find more work freelancing or get a job or join me at school. He'd shape up for a week or 2 then be back to toking all night. Sometimes I had my weekend fun too, but after Saturdays, my fun stopped and it was time to prepare for the week.

 

I basically took on the traditional 'husband' role. Made the money, got the education, made sure the bills got paid, made sure we stayed in health coverage, food, a car, etc.

 

It took me almost 10 years to get through school because I had no financial help (he of course could not help and my parents were about to go through their own divorce), but once it was done we got married. My friends all thought I was a fool. I had a great job, close to 6 figures right out of college. He was still smoking dope and pretending to be a musician. He worked some but it was just enough to keep me from b*t*hing.

 

A year after school I had a nervous breakdown. All the stress, plus dealing with coming from a severely abusive family came crashing in on me. His family was not 'abusive', but it was full of alcoholics and drug addicts. I started seeing a shrink of course, got medicated, managed to keep my job. He would literally walk around in circles, freaking out, shouting, "what do I DO!" while I was a drugged and emotionally screwed mess on the sofa. Somehow I still managed to comfort HIM through that. Took me a year to get back to some semblance of myself, though I had to stay medicated for the next 2.

 

I got laid off, but got a big settlement because I was on maternity leave. We decided I would stay home with the baby for a couple of years and he would take up the reigns. What a disaster. By the time I got called in for a new job 2.5 years later there was almost nothing left. He never told me we were basically living off that money. I was so in first-time-mom land, I was not paying close attention. All he said was he had to use some for this or that from time to time. I did suggest (for the millionth time) he get a job, but he said he had some freelance work coming in. I trusted him to have it handled. My bad. You'd think after 16 years I'd have had it figured.

 

He decides he can continue handling the finances. I try to take them back. Needless to say, we are in deep doo-doo with the IRS. I have now, basically retaken the finances to get us back on track, though we wont see owning our own home until we are in our 40s.

 

I spent the next couple of years raising our daughter, while he was (of course) high and I worked and worked. The stress of having no real support... I can't tell you how it is, I'm sure many of you know.

 

Last year he admitted to me that while I was having my nervous breakdown he CHEATED because I could not meet his needs. It was a hooker. The next day he becomes ill enough to be hospitalized for 2 weeks and now suffers from a chronic lifelong disease. That was last year. He was so sick, I had to work, care for the child, deal with doctors and had no time to deal with the shock of that information. At the least, his life is not in danger though the illness is annoying and inconvenient for him (or anyone with UC).

 

After his hopitalizations, he now decides he will quit the dope, sleep normal hours and try to take up some of the burden of this household--some 20 years later. He IS seeing a psychologist. He said it took THAT and his disease to get him on track... but I guess our daughter and me were not enough.

 

So now I have the head space since we are not in emergency mode to deal with my emotions. I told him I dealt with the dope, the shiftless laziness and what an insult it was for him to cheat on me and most especially during the weakest point of my life. He says it's his Depression and he didnt know any better. And if he didn't love himself, how could he show it to me? He is changing, can't I see he is changing?

 

I don't know. He sleeps normal hours and quit the dope. Though he smokes from time to time when his wannabe musician friends visit. What little career he did have is pretty much shot. There really isnt much chance of upward mobility in a job for him. He's never held a fulltime job. The hours and the dope are improvement, but if his history with me and my inlaws's history are any indication, this is a respite. He will always be this way and me and my daughter's future will be a long and heavy one.

 

He knows what I am thinking and is leaving me with the decision as he has left all the major decisions with me. He tells me I shouldnt take his cheating personal, that he was sick. He refuses medication. He sees a shrink though. I just kind of feel wrung out. Like I am still young and can start over and maybe he can find someone who appreciates the good things in him...

 

If I stay I will have to deal with the fact that I will always be the major supporter and decision maker in this family. That his ability to make decisions is not great. That I will not fully trust him... or it will take a long time to get close to it. That I can't let myself relax because to leave him in charge could mean disaster (and this is proven--we are in near financial ruin for his reckless decisions while I was pregnant, nursing, and raising our daughter).

 

Bless you if you managed to read this novel! I know there are tons of words of wisdom out there. Anything is appreciated. Thanks kind people.

[BB07]

I don't recall reading one thing that you said that was positive in any way about this relationship or him...........so with that said, why are you even considering staying in this relationship?

[dreamingoftigers]

It will take at least one year to see if your spouse is actually a willing spouse. That is not that long in the long run. Even if you are the major breadwinner in the house that doe not mean he cannot earn something. Quit just supporting him financially.

 

20 years is a long time to have emotional intimacy with someone. The fact that you have been with this individual for 20 years suggests that you have your own co-dependency issues that are not going to disappear when you leave him. Go for your own counseling. You will not be able to have a healthy long-term relationship with anyone unless you find out what kept you in this situation for so long to begin with.

 

You can bang the "victim" or "look he's a scumbag" drum all that you want but at the end of the day, you still chose to be there, and wouldn't it be crappy if you gave up when the guy smartened up?

 

Give him A LITTLE TIME. Don't give him too much, and don't stay too suspicious. I know addicts pull the "I have a disease" card, and they are right, they do. but if you had cancer and you knew you had to take the cure everyday or possibly die from it... what would you do?

 

See if he takes his cure.

[candymoon]

It will take at least one year to see if your spouse is actually a willing spouse. That is not that long in the long run. Even if you are the major breadwinner in the house that doe not mean he cannot earn something. Quit just supporting him financially.

 

20 years is a long time to have emotional intimacy with someone. The fact that you have been with this individual for 20 years suggests that you have your own co-dependency issues that are not going to disappear when you leave him. Go for your own counseling. You will not be able to have a healthy long-term relationship with anyone unless you find out what kept you in this situation for so long to begin with.

 

You can bang the "victim" or "look he's a scumbag" drum all that you want but at the end of the day, you still chose to be there, and wouldn't it be crappy if you gave up when the guy smartened up?

 

Give him A LITTLE TIME. Don't give him too much, and don't stay too suspicious. I know addicts pull the "I have a disease" card, and they are right, they do. but if you had cancer and you knew you had to take the cure everyday or possibly die from it... what would you do?

 

See if he takes his cure.

 

 

I have been in counceling since my breakdown 5 years ago which has led me to this point. I never said he was a scumbag. He is a sad individual with a disease. I was kid of 16 when I got with him, leaving a very abusive parentage of my own. I am NOW more than aware of my co-dependency issues. You know, hindsight and all that.

 

I never play the victim card because EVERYTHING is 50/50. But these were his mistakes and he has to own up to them. Just as we all have to.

 

It has been a year already since he has been 'clean', but it's only been a couple of months that I have gotten to a point where I can digest his messing with that girl.

 

I am only thinking of staying because our kid needs her father. If it weren't for her, this would be a no brainer.

[You Go Girl]

My H is an alcoholic, porn addict, and liar. I certainly understand addiction. What I can say about any addiction is that that part of the person has not matured, and is still a child.

You've been the parent, he's been the child. That leads to disrespect on both parties. He rebelled like a child and cheated--you chastise, as all parents do when their children misbehave.

This relationship needs to become an adult relationship. The only way that is going to happen is if your husband starts taking on responsibilities. He can start with household ones, but this guy really needs a job--and not just yesterday--but ten years ago. It's time for him to take on ANY FULL TIME JOB. I don't care if he's picking olives or sweeping up Mcdonald's. ANY full time job will do.

But can he handle it? Sweeping McDonald's is beneath him, right? He won't take the job, or he'll quit after a week? That's when he wakes up and wishes he had some training and an education.

Well he has to earn that training and education, and the only way it is done without a rich baby trust fund (or a hard working wife) is from the bottom up. So yes, he has to start at sweeping mcdonalds.

How can he be a sweeper (or equivalent--you get my meaning of using this example) and still feel he has his manhood? How does he not get angry that he's just a sweeper? That his wife *made* him go out and get a job?

There's a big stumbling block to growing up right there. A real man would be happy just to contribute to his family, a child-man will be insulted.

 

On another note--I'm sorry--I'm not buying that you didn't know he was spending all your savings while you were focusing on the magic of being a new parent. 2 1/2 years? You have a little admitting that needs done with yourself--and that's to admit that you knew he was spending that money all along.

What other money could he have been spending, dear? There was no other money.

You must love this man an awful lot to have been the caretaker for as long as you have been. Or...are you the needy type that needs to feel needed? That's three needs in one sentence!

I can't say anything else without knowing more, but there's more to this story--we'll see as you reveal.

As for the cheating? Just another example of his selfish childishness....

[candymoon]

I don't recall reading one thing that you said that was positive in any way about this relationship or him...........so with that said, why are you even considering staying in this relationship?

 

Thanks for the response, only thinking of staying for the kid... and (hope?) things turn around with him. But then again, I've been waiting 20 years for this to turn around... soooo....

[You Go Girl]

So, it's quite possible you've stayed with this slacker because he's not abusive--you escaped what you grew up with and fear having to ever experience again.

[candymoon]

On another note--I'm sorry--I'm not buying that you didn't know he was spending all your savings while you were focusing on the magic of being a new parent. 2 1/2 years? You have a little admitting that needs done with yourself--and that's to admit that you knew he was spending that money all along.

What other money could he have been spending, dear? There was no other money.

You must love this man an awful lot to have been the caretaker for as long as you have been. Or...are you the needy type that needs to feel needed? That's three needs in one sentence!

I can't say anything else without knowing more, but there's more to this story--we'll see as you reveal.

As for the cheating? Just another example of his selfish childishness....

 

I really appreciate your response being the SO of an addict... I honestly never got it until last year.

 

Actually in honest-to-God truth, I had no idea he spent it or let it squander.... he kept saying how well he was doing well with his freelancing. I decided at that point in my life to actually trust him fully on that. My bad. I wont make that mistake again.

 

As far as starting at the bottom, yea, I tried for the last decade "Go to Starbucks!" and basically you're right about the too beneath him response, though not precisely in those words... and that is still his response though he has been 'in recovery' with his shrink for the past year.

[candymoon]

So, it's quite possible you've stayed with this slacker because he's not abusive--you escaped what you grew up with and fear having to ever experience again.

 

 

Well YGG, you sound exactly like my shrink!

[You Go Girl]

Well YGG, you sound exactly like my shrink!

 

Fear is about the strongest motivator there is.

[dreamingoftigers]

I have been in counceling since my breakdown 5 years ago which has led me to this point. I never said he was a scumbag. He is a sad individual with a disease. I was kid of 16 when I got with him, leaving a very abusive parentage of my own. I am NOW more than aware of my co-dependency issues. You know, hindsight and all that.

 

I never play the victim card because EVERYTHING is 50/50. But these were his mistakes and he has to own up to them. Just as we all have to.

 

It has been a year already since he has been 'clean', but it's only been a couple of months that I have gotten to a point where I can digest his messing with that girl.

 

I am only thinking of staying because our kid needs her father. If it weren't for her, this would be a no brainer.

 

I should watch the way I phrase things, I was trying to get it out in a hurry. I wasn't actually saying YOU WERE banging the victim drug but as the wife of an alcoholic/porn addict I know that I have done it in the past and try to let wives/SO know that it will get them nowhere.

 

For whatever reason you wish to stay (I stayed initially for my little girl too, she is only 10 months old and loves her Dad very much) eventually it will require working it out.

 

As for messing with the girl, it is all part of the addiction (and quite an F-ing monster it is too). Don't buy that "you wouldn't satisfy his needs crap." The first thing addicts need to learn is that they are responsible for meeting their own needs in a way that doesn't harm others. Prostitutes aren't a need. Not even in Detroit.

 

So he has been clean 2 1/2 years? Is he actually in recovery?

 

I would make that a condition of staying in the relationship. Without recovery these SOBs symptom rotate and just get stuck in something else, be it overspending, gambling, porn, stupidity etc.

[candymoon]

I should watch the way I phrase things, I was trying to get it out in a hurry. I wasn't actually saying YOU WERE banging the victim drug but as the wife of an alcoholic/porn addict I know that I have done it in the past and try to let wives/SO know that it will get them nowhere.

 

For whatever reason you wish to stay (I stayed initially for my little girl too, she is only 10 months old and loves her Dad very much) eventually it will require working it out.

 

As for messing with the girl, it is all part of the addiction (and quite an F-ing monster it is too). Don't buy that "you wouldn't satisfy his needs crap." The first thing addicts need to learn is that they are responsible for meeting their own needs in a way that doesn't harm others. Prostitutes aren't a need. Not even in Detroit.

 

So he has been clean 2 1/2 years? Is he actually in recovery?

 

I would make that a condition of staying in the relationship. Without recovery these SOBs symptom rotate and just get stuck in something else, be it overspending, gambling, porn, stupidity etc.

 

Hello Dream,

 

It's been 1 year of 'recovery'. I put that in quotes because he is in individual counceling and not a program per se.

 

Not only did he say he did it because his sexual needs weren't being met, but said I should not take it personally because he was sick. Apparently, now he loves to dictate how I should feel about things.

 

About that rotating addiction thing... I once told a friend of mine that you cant expect people to change; they may move the books around, but in the end, it's still the same books, just on different shelves.

 

hell, as I write this he's got his musician friends over as I watch our child.

 

As soon as the sun goes down, the joint magically appears... He says he can handle it once a month with these get-togethers and not pick it up again the next night. I thought recovery was complete hands-off? As jacked-up as my parents were, I never had to deal with addictions before.

 

I don't know if I want to wait for him to realize his 'self employment' as an art designer isnt going to hack it, or that he will find another addiction, or for him to grow up. One minute I want to try, another I'm through. I have never had to deal with this before... hell, i've only had one other boyfriend before him. Goodness

[candymoon]

Fear is about the strongest motivator there is.

 

...wish I'd have known then!

[You Go Girl]

"I don't know if I want to wait for him to realize his 'self employment' as an art designer isnt going to hack it, or that he will find another addiction, or for him to grow up. One minute I want to try, another I'm through. I have never had to deal with this before... hell, i've only had one other boyfriend before him. Goodness"

 

You were 15 when you had another bf? That really doesn't count. You've never known anything but him in your adult life.

You have never had to deal with this before? Wait...

Isn't this what you have been dealing with for 20 years? So where's the never before? Sounds more like groundhog day to me (the movie).

 

Pot has yet to be proven physically addictive, and may never be. It can surely be mentally addictive though.

Your H is smoking tonight because he is still hanging with the same friends. They have a routine. They don't know anything else. Hanging together and not getting high would be like deciding to run a marathon instead of talk about music. Just not gonna happen.

Is one night of smoking with the old buddies going to send him back into daily smoking? Probably not, slim possibility yes. What is more likely to send him into daily smoking is giving up on improving his situation. That would be things like--trying to get a job and failing.

Your H has decreased the pot usage and is awake during daylight hours. He has progressed to the point of a 6 month old. That's when they are more than likely sleeping through the night. I fail to see why we should be throwing him a maturity party over that.

What other signs of maturity is he showing? He hasn't changed his friends, he doesn't have a job, no real progress has been made because nothing in his life is different! Whatever is happening with the shrink is slow go expensive progress...I can for sure tell you one week at a regular job will wake up his brain more than 10 years of therapy without a job.

[You Go Girl]

"I was trying to get it out in a hurry. I wasn't actually saying YOU WERE banging the victim drug but as the wife of an alcoholic/porn addict I know that I have done it in the past and try to let wives/SO know that it will get them nowhere." Gosh dreamingoftigers--

mine's an alcoholic/porn addict too. We should compare notes. lol

 

What does banging the victim drug mean?

 

And the reference to detroit? I'm not far from there!

[2sunny]

if he's got the joint out now - that is NOT recovery... that is called USING.

 

recovery isn't a half way kind of thing...

 

let me ask you - are YOU willing to change? YOU cannot change him. YOU can change YOU. are you willing to leave?

 

if YOU decide to stay - then get used to the next 30-60 years with things looking exactly the way they do now. if nothing changes - then nothing changes. the change is up to YOU honey.

 

IF and when YOU get good and tired of life as you now know it - you may change your circumstances.

 

if you decide not to - there is no room to complain about it... we all have choices - YOU have to decide what that is going to look like.

 

he is training your daughter what a husband is supposed to represent. guess what she thinks a healthy father looks like? yep, a non working, dope smoking cheating man. and guess what she'll choose for herself IF she's not accustomed to a healthier role model? yep. is that enough for you... for her?

 

stop waiting for him to change - this is about YOU. choose wisely. to be without him looks like a much healthier choice that the crap that he's been offering you for 20 years.

[candymoon]

"You were 15 when you had another bf? That really doesn't count. You've never known anything but him in your adult life.

 

You have never had to deal with this before? Wait...

Isn't this what you have been dealing with for 20 years? So where's the never before? Sounds more like groundhog day to me (the movie).

 

Pot has yet to be proven physically addictive, and may never be.

.

Your H has decreased the pot usage and is awake during daylight hours. He has progressed to the point of a 6 month old. That's when they are more than likely sleeping through the night. I fail to see why we should be throwing him a maturity party over that.

 

What other signs of maturity is he showing? He hasn't changed his friends, he doesn't have a job, no real progress has been made because nothing in his life is different! Whatever is happening with the shrink is slow go expensive progress...I can for sure tell you one week at a regular job will wake up his brain more than 10 years of therapy without a job.

 

Amen to that last one... He said he is afraid (didnt someone mention fear as a motivator?) that he wont succeed at a job. Then he says he has a fear of success... well wtf are we supposed to do with that?

 

LOL.. the 6th month old thing. Hilarious! He is also very proud he's increased his showering to twice a week... what age group does that bump him up to?

 

When I said I hadn't had to really deal with this before... well, all this recovery, coming into my own issues of letting go of co-dependence, etc...

 

IDK about the addiction level of pot. It does have five times the nicotine as a cigarette, so I'd think it might be. Hell his dad is STILL a stoner... a day cant go by and he's darn near 60... and has been single almost the entire 20 years we've been together too... tells ya something, eh? Should tell my DH something...

[candymoon]

if he's got the joint out now - that is NOT recovery... that is called USING.

 

recovery isn't a half way kind of thing...

 

let me ask you - are YOU willing to change? YOU cannot change him. YOU can change YOU. are you willing to leave?

 

if YOU decide to stay - then get used to the next 30-60 years with things looking exactly the way they do now. if nothing changes - then nothing changes. the change is up to YOU honey.

 

IF and when YOU get good and tired of life as you now know it - you may change your circumstances.

 

if you decide not to - there is no room to complain about it... we all have choices - YOU have to decide what that is going to look like.

 

he is training your daughter what a husband is supposed to represent. guess what she thinks a healthy father looks like? yep, a non working, dope smoking cheating man. and guess what she'll choose for herself IF she's not accustomed to a healthier role model? yep. is that enough for you... for her?

 

stop waiting for him to change - this is about YOU. choose wisely. to be without him looks like a much healthier choice that the crap that he's been offering you for 20 years.

 

*sigh* Sunny....

 

Been arguing this with myself since she was born. I even put it to him once, "you setting her up to marry someone like you?" but hell, so am I...

 

And I went in there about 20mins ago to ask for help with something and the room was thick with the smell... I asked him afew months ago if he had any in the house. "yes, but i'm not using it. i keep it for when they come over" he says...

[candymoon]

So yesterday I was very angry. Today I am working on positive things about him and there are some good ones and he does some chores around the house, he makes a little money and contributes some. He is good with our daughter.

 

Today we went on a family swim and there was some fun... some not so fun things, and ate. My idea, but I was just not so into it either. Some moments I have hope, then he does something and it all gets dashed. I know I can be hyper critical, and I've told him maybe I expect too much of him. He says that's not necessarily the case, that maybe some things (growing up, for example) SHOULD be expected of him.

 

So all day I've been flopping back and forth... but right now, I'm just tired.

[dreamingoftigers]

At this point with your daughter being 16, most of that relationship modelling is already in place and not likely to change (w/o counseling or something like that). I would not leave over that.

 

Have you considered going to one of the support groups for spouses of addicts? At first I was pretty insulted that I "should" go to one. Then after my husband has a serious relapse I realized that I was trying to criticize him for something he totally had to correct on his own. I was also hoping he would jut kind of say the "magic words" that would let me know he knew I was this great spouse for tolerating his BS. I know now that that would never happen with the addiction being what it was, and even if it did, I wouldn't believe him anyways.

 

Sometimes they do need a kick in the ass, but I needed the support from others to realize what I direction I needed to aim it in.

 

If he is using and not dealing with his shame (all addicts, okay 99.9% of addicts have shame and fear) and fear, then he is really not in recovery.

My husband didn't drink for four years and he still wasn't in recovery, he just wasn't drinking.

 

As for your husband saying that messing with that chick was something you shouldn't take personally, (I am married to a sex addict, quite the little Cruiser too, I might add. His only problem wasn't porn, but I should've known that from the 60+ sexual partners he had by the time he met me).

 

That is your husband's retarded way of trying to tell you that it wasn't your fault. It was his and his judgment was f-ing stupid. He's just using a "you should" because his communication skills when it comes to feelings are the s***s. Just like a lot of addicts who use addiction to blunt their true feelings.

 

My big complex was that my husband thought all of these other girls were prettier, then when I found some online stuff of his I was like "OMG, yuck, wtf is wrong with him." Sex addicts crave the new to blunt their feelings. Play with their own hormones, attachments, etc. Not saying your guy is a sex addict, but clearly he did use a hooker to blunt his own feelings that he obviously is s*** at dealing with. That's why he is saying you shouldn't take it personally.

 

Good luck with stuff

[dreamingoftigers]

"I was trying to get it out in a hurry. I wasn't actually saying YOU WERE banging the victim drug but as the wife of an alcoholic/porn addict I know that I have done it in the past and try to let wives/SO know that it will get them nowhere." Gosh dreamingoftigers--

mine's an alcoholic/porn addict too. We should compare notes. lol

 

What does banging the victim drug mean?

 

And the reference to detroit? I'm not far from there!

 

Banging the victim drum just means sometimes people stick themselves with people that are more screwed up then themselves so they can feel better about themselves and not have to work on their own issues. The couple that live next door to me are a case in point. She comes over bawling her eyes out EVERY SINGLE DAY about her husband even when he just does something inane (left a soda can out etc.) when the rest of their house is in absolute squalor and she stays at home while he works full-time. I offered her books on communication etc. she has gone to see my counselor. I should make it clear that the dude isn't really a BAD dude, he is just a little clueless. Banging the victim drum is throwing your spouse under the bus when not doing anything to improve your own situation.

 

As for Detroit, from what I have seen in the last couple of years, it has been really hurting. When the economy fell out here in Calgary the rates of prostitution went up. Figured the same would happen in another hurting economy like Detroit-area.

[candymoon]

At this point with your daughter being 16, most of that relationship modelling is already in place and not likely to change (w/o counseling or something like that). I would not leave over that.

 

Have you considered going to one of the support groups for spouses of addicts? At first I was pretty insulted that I "should" go to one. Then after my husband has a serious relapse I realized that I was trying to criticize him for something he totally had to correct on his own. I was also hoping he would jut kind of say the "magic words" that would let me know he knew I was this great spouse for tolerating his BS. I know now that that would never happen with the addiction being what it was, and even if it did, I wouldn't believe him anyways.

 

Sometimes they do need a kick in the ass, but I needed the support from others to realize what I direction I needed to aim it in.

 

If he is using and not dealing with his shame (all addicts, okay 99.9% of addicts have shame and fear) and fear, then he is really not in recovery.

My husband didn't drink for four years and he still wasn't in recovery, he just wasn't drinking.

 

As for your husband saying that messing with that chick was something you shouldn't take personally, (I am married to a sex addict, quite the little Cruiser too, I might add. His only problem wasn't porn, but I should've known that from the 60+ sexual partners he had by the time he met me).

 

That is your husband's retarded way of trying to tell you that it wasn't your fault. It was his and his judgment was f-ing stupid. He's just using a "you should" because his communication skills when it comes to feelings are the s***s. Just like a lot of addicts who use addiction to blunt their true feelings.

 

My big complex was that my husband thought all of these other girls were prettier, then when I found some online stuff of his I was like "OMG, yuck, wtf is wrong with him." Sex addicts crave the new to blunt their feelings. Play with their own hormones, attachments, etc. Not saying your guy is a sex addict, but clearly he did use a hooker to blunt his own feelings that he obviously is s*** at dealing with. That's why he is saying you shouldn't take it personally.

 

Good luck with stuff

 

Thanks for responding again, DOT,

 

No my daughter is not quit 4 yet. So I worry about what the future holds for her in relationships if her mom cant get her sh*t together.

 

So I take it you are still with your H? Where is he with his recovery? Maybe I should find where your story is in LS, eh?

 

My H tries those 'magic words' for thanking me for putting up with his BS but oddly, I dont believe him yet, as you said. Or maybe I'm just too numb to feel anything.

 

I have thanked him for putting up with my BS too... I'm the type to not know how to ask for help when I need it... but the catch22 with an addict is you need help because of their addiction (or your co-dependence to it), but THEY cant help you because of their addiction... so maybe outside help like you suggest is a good idea...i know there ALANON(?) for families of alcoholics..hmm...

 

Of course, now I'm angry again that he got high last night with his friends. And he made a stupid mistake with our daughter because he had smoked last night, which scared the ever-loving sh*t out of me at the pool and that put me at "throw his ass out" mode again.

[candymoon]

Our pool routine is we take turns handling her and teaching her to hold her breath/swim/etc. while the other takes a lap or 2 on their own. I just handed her over, started talking to someone in the pool. He got distracted, looking somewhere else and she took on water. She freaked, took her a couple of seconds to work it out.

 

I can't even begin to describe the fury I had with him and, yes, myself. What was I thinking? He was holding her, wtf was he thinking?

 

He'd make lots of stupid mistakes like this before when I returned to work. I'd find him sleeping and her crawling around by herself and the stairs not blocked off or her crying in her room and his not hearing it because he was passed out. i thought this was over, but today I learned that he is not responsible with her even 12 hours after smoking...ffs!

 

I am the stupid one this time. It's my fault. Should have remembered, stayed out of hopeland, and been on the ball.

[candymoon]

We are putting her to bed in just a second. I'll talk about this with him when she goes down and post an update.

[dreamingoftigers]

I actually didn't write a big thread about my H

 

Should maybe...

 

We are still together, after his last bender he got a bit of a reality check and is settled into a full-time job and looking to help us get out of debt.

 

Willing to do work that is "beneath" him a bit but we also run our own business. He wasn't willing to just work for "peanuts" but was willing to go the distance to support our kid. Just really f-ed up is all.

 

Right now he says he will return to recovery this week. He has given it a half-assed attempt for the last 3 months but I made it perfectly clear there was no relationship without both of us in recovery. And that I had done all that I can to save us otherwise. It is tough because he seems to be backing me into corners. I refuse to fight out of corners, I refuse to cave into them anymore either. I just say basically "I am not going in the corner anymore." (i.e. if you don't go to recovery, I can accept that, but I will be accepting that alone and you will have to get your own place because I will be protecting our daughter from an unhealthy/unstable Dad." It seems to have hit home. He knows damn well that not a court in the world would give him custody, he has abandoned us twice on benders, the last time leaving us very short on rent.

 

There is a little bit about me sprinkled all over the LS forums. One is in some of the last page's of Sprigg's coping thread.

 

It is the hardest thing to do to set up the boundaries and set them hard.

It has been one of the hardest things to do to stop standing in the way of him giving himself a boot in the arse.