When the SO is/was an Addict

[candymoon]

Hey DOT! Yes, I would LOVE to see a big thread about your situation...the story laid out in one place. I will check out those posts you mentioned to get a better idea, though you're very clear on things...

 

So, I spoke with him and he says that it was not his fault, that these things happen... I suggested maybe he was distracted? He rolled his eyes. I asked if he still felt he was impaired from smoking weed the night before.

 

He was appalled and outraged. It did NOT and no longer does affect his judgement. He is OVER that stage. Recovery?! He IS recovered! He can smoke dope occassionally and no longer be affected by it. I need to stop thinking about his OLD self and learn who his NEW self is. I reminded him we've been through this stage many times over the years, how can I not be suspicious? After a while...a few weeks, months, even a year it was back to the way it was.

 

I asked if he still has weed in the house. Yes and he only smokes it when his friends come over once a month, he says. He would never handle our daughter if he felt out of control...

 

Good lord.

[just_some_guy]

Take it from someone who's been there, you really need to get yourself to an al-anon meeting. It is primarily about people affected by other's drinking, but many, perhaps most, happily accept those affected by another's drugging as well.

[blind_otter]

Take it from someone who's been there, you really need to get yourself to an al-anon meeting. It is primarily about people affected by other's drinking, but many, perhaps most, happily accept those affected by another's drugging as well.

 

yep. ditto the al anon.

 

This subject is near and dear to my heart. I've had more than one longterm relationship in my adult life, all with addicts. It is eye opening, a meeting. You learn a lot. Everyone thinks they know about alcoholism and addiction, but you don't really unless you educate yourself. And there is a community. You sometimes have to go to several different meetings to find a good "fit" - the first few I went to were not good for me.

 

But lots of people told me this, on repeat, over and over, and I didn't do it until it was too late. I had an opportunity to exit my relationship with my dignity intact, and I didn't take it, and now it's a big mess.

 

I have to remind myself of the saying, "when do you know an addict is lying? when then open their mouth." alllllllllll the time.

[2sunny]

Hey DOT! Yes, I would LOVE to see a big thread about your situation...the story laid out in one place. I will check out those posts you mentioned to get a better idea, though you're very clear on things...

 

So, I spoke with him and he says that it was not his fault, that these things happen... I suggested maybe he was distracted? He rolled his eyes. I asked if he still felt he was impaired from smoking weed the night before.

 

He was appalled and outraged. It did NOT and no longer does affect his judgement. He is OVER that stage. Recovery?! He IS recovered! He can smoke dope occassionally and no longer be affected by it. I need to stop thinking about his OLD self and learn who his NEW self is. I reminded him we've been through this stage many times over the years, how can I not be suspicious? After a while...a few weeks, months, even a year it was back to the way it was.

 

I asked if he still has weed in the house. Yes and he only smokes it when his friends come over once a month, he says. He would never handle our daughter if he felt out of control...

 

Good lord.

 

candy - i can assure you - this is NOT what recovered looks like - in fact, this is not what recovering even looks like.

 

what you describe is what it looks like when the disease is ACTIVE. he can no longer use ANY altering substances. take it from a gal who stays recovered now for a while - one day at a time. he is NOT even trying to work a program of recovery.

 

he is using! why can't you admit that about him?

 

you need to leave - you are putting yourself AND your daughter at risk every day. he cannot be trusted. he will lie, beg and steal... i guarantee it. he will not care about the well being of your child - he is active in his disease... go to al-anon now!!!!! tell them what you know and LISTEN to them with an open mind and an open heart... they are there to help you.

[candymoon]

Have I told you all I really appreciate your comments, questions, opinions and everything else? I have no one to talk about this with in rl. Your candor and honesty, though it has not stopped my emotional rollercoaster, does solidfy some things for me and raised new questions that I hadn't thought to address before. I am grateful for these things.

 

On that note, it is sad the expectations heaped on us from extended family. What does it say when we are the flagship couple between both our families? What a dire mess. TBH, no one even knows this is a problem in our house. They think we're perfect, and what a wonderful job they did with us two at the least (in their minds). They don't know of his daily pothead life, my crappy codependent supporting-the-habit-self, our financial crisis, or current marital crisis. Crazy, huh? I have half a mind to start screaming it from the rooftops.

 

I have brought some of the things I learned here into our discussion last night, lots was a reminder of talks we've had over the past couple of years. I told him how unfair we are to each other, how sick I am of being his mother even when he is not using--that he should not use AT ALL even when his friends are over. He said about the dope, "See you think it has to be all or nothing! Do you really think that?" I said I think it does and he turns bright red and grabs himself in frustration. He then tells me he can handle it now, that he is not sick like he was then... and onto him being a different person that I apparently cannot see. He does not want to give up the dope 100% at all. From last night, I know he will not.

 

I know some people can be weekend tokers and be cool for the week, but he smoked ALL NIGHT EVERY NIGHT and slept through the days for about 15 years. Yes, once a month is a huge improvement and I give him that... but... can he keep it controlled like that? Should he be a teetotaler? Does he need to be? Can I accept that he wont be?

 

In a way I agree with you Sunny... but maybe the rest I am just scared.

[2sunny]

all or nothing. if he is wanting to choose to drug over you - then you have your answer - which he has given to you already. it is time to leave. be sure to take your daughter with you.

 

he has a severe problem... YOU cannot fix this for him... if he's unwilling - then you need to leave, it will only get worse instead of better.

[candymoon]

Thanks sunny, and hearing from your perspective is really valuable.

 

so--all or nothing? i see what you are saying. some would say a little is ok. but i guess an addict brain works differently.

 

after my daughter goes to bed i will look up al-anon meetings in my area. thanks people!

[dreamingoftigers]

Head off to AL-anon. I am going to my S-Anon meeting tomorrow night even though my husband may soon be curbside. I want to be a healthy mom for my daughter.

[blind_otter]

THey talk about "white knuckling" in AA and AL-Anon. When the addict just stops using, but doesn't get treatment...

 

Well I have extensive experience with this as well. It could be a year from now, but eventually they will lose it and go back to their old habits because if you don't get help to deal with what led to the urge to be high all the time, then it will always be there, and they just use force of will to stomp it down.

 

But everyone's will gets weakened at some point...

[dreamingoftigers]

Yeah my husband quit drinking for four years without recovery and then he dropped off twice this last year.

[tnttim]

THey talk about "white knuckling" in AA and AL-Anon. When the addict just stops using, but doesn't get treatment...

 

Well I have extensive experience with this as well. It could be a year from now, but eventually they will lose it and go back to their old habits because if you don't get help to deal with what led to the urge to be high all the time, then it will always be there, and they just use force of will to stomp it down.

 

But everyone's will gets weakened at some point...

 

Very untrue I white knuckled cocaine 15 years ago and never went back. I was around it all the time as my friends were still addicts and never once did I tempt fate. I also white knuckled drinking 8 months ago and I am able to have drinks with friends and not start up again. I have drank 5 times since I quit and the trend has not started back up.

 

Addictions like people are all different, and how you handle them are all different. My W cheated on me and wanted a D, it made me need to stop drinking. Maybe you should use her method. Just kidding

[blind_otter]

Very untrue I white knuckled cocaine 15 years ago and never went back. I was around it all the time as my friends were still addicts and never once did I tempt fate. I also white knuckled drinking 8 months ago and I am able to have drinks with friends and not start up again. I have drank 5 times since I quit and the trend has not started back up.

 

Yes, well, do you have any other evidence beyond your own questionable story? It's just that the evidence, from longitudinal studies, goes directly against your personal experience.

 

You may well be a statistical outlier, but most folks are not.

 

This is what I always tell people who are trying to stay sober - don't talk about sobriety until you educate yourself about it. Otherwise, you could seriously damage someone else with misinformation.

 

Chances are, if you suffer from extreme stress - death of a loved one, chronic illness, become unemployed for a long period of time - you will likely go back to using. It's just the way the cookie crumbles, unless you address the reasons why you sought out altered states of consciousness in the first place.

[White Flower]

Thanks for the response, only thinking of staying for the kid... and (hope?) things turn around with him. But then again, I've been waiting 20 years for this to turn around... soooo....

This is an unrealistic expectation as you obviously see now. After 20 years he isn't going to change.

 

I'm sorry, but I've heard that marijuana is not addictive. Perhaps he is addicted to being lazy and dependent on you. Not that that is an addiction either, but a strong tendency. Again, he isn't going to change.

 

And I noticed that you did not state love as a reason for staying with him. Is there anything left to build on realistically?

[tnttim]

This is an unrealistic expectation as you obviously see now. After 20 years he isn't going to change.

 

I'm sorry, but I've heard that marijuana is not addictive. Perhaps he is addicted to being lazy and dependent on you. Not that that is an addiction either, but a strong tendency. Again, he isn't going to change.

 

And I noticed that you did not state love as a reason for staying with him. Is there anything left to build on realistically?

 

Weed is addictive. It's more like gambling than cocaine though, you also get addicted to the lifestyle and the instant stress reduction.

 

You light a big enough fire under someone's a*s and they will change. Leave him to his weed and music career and see how long it takes him to come running back willing to change. I when I say leave, I mean leave.

 

Love is just another chemical reaction that we reproduce throughout our lives. A successful marriage is based on communication, trust, understanding, compassion, and unselfishness. We just like to call it love because it sounds nice....

 

Yes blind otter I am an anomaly check my threads. The last I heard anomlies are what scientific break throughs hinge their success on.

[White Flower]

Weed is addictive. It's more like gambling than cocaine though, you also get addicted to the lifestyle and the instant stress reduction.

 

I'm intrigued. How is weed more like gambling than cocaine?

 

I do understand it reduces stress but if the guy isn't working so much, what stress is he reducing, lol?

[tnttim]

It is argued that weed has no addictive chemicals, THC is the part they argue as addictive. Cocaine is an alkaloid which creates a powerful addiction immediately. Gambling is not a drug, but you get addicted to the euphoria it causes inside you. Weed produces a subtle euphoria mixed with calm and relaxation. You get addicted to those feelings over time when you use it, like a gambler slowly gets addicted. Cocaine is a drug you use once and you may be hooked for life.

 

So my point is that if he tackles his boredom and creates a new outlet that is not assoiciated with his weed use, i.e music, then he may be able to become a productive member of earth.

 

I think you mentioned it briefly blind otter, the inner issue. There are 2 forces working with your husband. The outer issue, weed and laziness. The inner issue is what causes that pattern to happen. You can eliminate the outer issue but the inner issue will create a new destructive path and a new outer issue. He has to figure out where the roadblock is inside his mind and remove it. Like someone that grew up in a household of abuse and carries it around with them for the rest of their life because they never addressed the inner problem, just the outer one's it created.

 

Find out what makes him tick and work backwards with him till you reach the problem. I bet it is well into childhood or teenage years when he decided to just give up having a traditional life, and decided to fight the system.

[2sunny]

Very untrue I white knuckled cocaine 15 years ago and never went back. I was around it all the time as my friends were still addicts and never once did I tempt fate. I also white knuckled drinking 8 months ago and I am able to have drinks with friends and not start up again. I have drank 5 times since I quit and the trend has not started back up.

Addictions like people are all different, and how you handle them are all different. My W cheated on me and wanted a D, it made me need to stop drinking. Maybe you should use her method. Just kidding

 

Tim - you didn't quit if you drank 5 times since you said you wouldn't drink.

 

you are fooling yourself. to quit is to quit. to quit doesn't mean once in a while. you are practicing controlled drinking, or moderate drinking. just as OP's husband is trying to practice controlled smoking. it eventually always leads to more often... that's why the huge difference. you consider yourself a dry drunk but you drink - that in itself is a contradiction. dry means none - but no recovery on the obsessive mental issues the disease carries.

 

quit1   [kwit]

–verb (used with object)

1.

to stop, cease, or discontinue:

 

did you stop completely? no - you drink once in a while... there is a HUGE difference. please do not confuse the two.

 

i would suggest you both educate yourselves with the disease of alcoholism. it is a physical allergy that manifests itself as a mental obsession. the recommended treatment is to NEVER drink again (same as any other drug) and to find the solution suggested as a form of recovery. this solution can be found at any AA meeting.

[tnttim]

Sunny you're awesome.....

 

I haven't gotten drunk in 8 months, but yet I have drank 5 times. I had a bloody mary yesterday and that makes 6 times I drank. So when I say I am not drinking I mean getting drunk. I used to drink every single day, and If I started drinking I would continue until I was drunk. That doesn't happen now, not even close. I turned into a social drinker at best, because I will go out and be around people drinking and I refuse to drink.

 

It is a myth that you are always an alcholic, or a drug addict. It's sh*t they try to feed you so you won't ever try it again. It's all crap, just like the crap they serve grade schoolers and then wonder why we have a drug epidemic.

 

Everyone is addicted to something

 

At least we get to pick our poison..........

[2sunny]

Sunny you're awesome.....

 

I haven't gotten drunk in 8 months, but yet I have drank 5 times. I had a bloody mary yesterday and that makes 6 times I drank. So when I say I am not drinking I mean getting drunk. I used to drink every single day, and If I started drinking I would continue until I was drunk. That doesn't happen now, not even close. I turned into a social drinker at best, because I will go out and be around people drinking and I refuse to drink.

 

It is a myth that you are always an alcholic, or a drug addict. It's sh*t they try to feed you so you won't ever try it again. It's all crap, just like the crap they serve grade schoolers and then wonder why we have a drug epidemic.

 

Everyone is addicted to something

 

At least we get to pick our poison..........

 

it's different than that Tim - when the addiction has been activated. i could never safely drink again... i'm sure i would quickly return to my gallon of vodka everyday habit. it nearly killed me and i simply didn't care back then. the fact that i even care to live now - much less to be interested in helping others is nothing short of a miracle. this is a happy way to live.

 

i never knew how to make it stop without being uncomfortable. i constantly thought of having more and when i would get more. that is the obsessive part. the obsession has been removed by the process of being recovered - one day at a time. to think of anything more would be too much to tackle.

 

you don't sound like a real alcoholic... time will tell.

[candymoon]

If I may interrupt... (lol)

 

Well, if we're going to get into all that...I think there is a difference between abuse of a substance and the actual 'ism' with a substance. In my college and post-college days, when I drank I DRANK. I didn't drink all the time, but when I did it was for the purpose of getting drunk. I could not drink to just 'be social'. Now, however, it can take me 3 days to just drink the neck of a bottle of beer (seriously, I get laughed at all the time because it tastes so naaasty even after a couple hours, but I hate to waste. haha). And that is when I decide to drink...mostly I have one just a few times a year. However, I don't believe I was a true alcoholic.

 

When he went off the weed he did have some withdrawal symptoms like poor sleep (if he could at all), mood swings, irritability, etc... and yes, we all pick our poison. Mine was caffeine for a while... had headaches for days when I gave that up. A friend of mine needs chocolate everyday, and God help the person that stands in her way... it's just some poisons can really eff with your body as well as your perceptions of reality.

 

His laziness IS getting better. He IS in IC to get to the root issue, however his therapist is using CBT. Won't address any past issues really. Focus on the now, he says. Which is why I get ****, when I say, "It's only been a year and all I have is 20 years of history of 'I'm better now.' to go on?" The other day he said to me he would understand if it was just too much water under the bridge for me to move forward with him.

 

I worry he will slip as always and in 5 years we'll be back at square one. I'm almost 40, I want another kid before then... I wonder if I have the time to wait and see. Do I want to risk it? Do I want to be a mother to someone who may never grow up fully as well as to another actual child? How long is too long...? Tick Tock.

[2sunny]

If I may interrupt... (lol)

 

Well, if we're going to get into all that...I think there is a difference between abuse of a substance and the actual 'ism' with a substance. In my college and post-college days, when I drank I DRANK. I didn't drink all the time, but when I did it was for the purpose of getting drunk. I could not drink to just 'be social'. Now, however, it can take me 3 days to just drink the neck of a bottle of beer (seriously, I get laughed at all the time because it tastes so naaasty even after a couple hours, but I hate to waste. haha). And that is when I decide to drink...mostly I have one just a few times a year. However, I don't believe I was a true alcoholic.

 

When he went off the weed he did have some withdrawal symptoms like poor sleep (if he could at all), mood swings, irritability, etc... and yes, we all pick our poison. Mine was caffeine for a while... had headaches for days when I gave that up. A friend of mine needs chocolate everyday, and God help the person that stands in her way... it's just some poisons can really eff with your body as well as your perceptions of reality.

 

His laziness IS getting better. He IS in IC to get to the root issue, however his therapist is using CBT. Won't address any past issues really. Focus on the now, he says. Which is why I get ****, when I say, "It's only been a year and all I have is 20 years of history of 'I'm better now.' to go on?" The other day he said to me he would understand if it was just too much water under the bridge for me to move forward with him.

 

I worry he will slip as always and in 5 years we'll be back at square one. I'm almost 40, I want another kid before then... I wonder if I have the time to wait and see. Do I want to risk it? Do I want to be a mother to someone who may never grow up fully as well as to another actual child? How long is too long...? Tick Tock.

 

seems like you've already waited long enough.

 

we either get busy living or we get busy dying. you haven't had the opportunity to really ever just live. this big ball and chain has never left your side.

 

it's seems like it's time... to start living.

[Gunny376]

Per the individual? One can become addicted to virtually anything. What one person becomes addicted to is relative to that individual while it wouldn't phase any given 1000 others.

 

Its primarily the result of the release of endorphins in the brain. There are both positive and negative ways to do so. I can get "high" from long distance running. It doesn't last for very long, but has lasted and primarily kicks in the last half of the run, and dissipates anywhere from fifteen to thirty minutes.

 

People can get addicted to gambling, shopping, alcohol, etc.

 

The argument that marijuana isn't addictive comes primarily from the people that smoke it and want to see it legalize.

 

I don't have any hard empirical evidence other than my own experience, but I know that there are many aka "potheads" that care only about getting high and well? Getting high, and very little else.

[candymoon]

seems like you've already waited long enough.

 

we either get busy living or we get busy dying. you haven't had the opportunity to really ever just live. this big ball and chain has never left your side.

 

it's seems like it's time... to start living.

 

Just makes me wanna cry. People tell me this all the time.

[candymoon]

Per the individual? One can become addicted to virtually anything. What one person becomes addicted to is relative to that individual while it wouldn't phase any given 1000 others.

 

Its primarily the result of the release of endorphins in the brain. There are both positive and negative ways to do so. I can get "high" from long distance running. It doesn't last for very long, but has lasted and primarily kicks in the last half of the run, and dissipates anywhere from fifteen to thirty minutes.

 

People can get addicted to gambling, shopping, alcohol, etc.

 

The argument that marijuana isn't addictive comes primarily from the people that smoke it and want to see it legalize.

 

I don't have any hard empirical evidence other than my own experience, but I know that there are many aka "potheads" that care only about getting high and well? Getting high, and very little else.

 

precisely. his dad has been using it everyday since the 60s... i dont believe he's even tried to quit... stoned for 40 years? wtf...

[2sunny]

precisely. his dad has been using it everyday since the 60s... i dont believe he's even tried to quit... stoned for 40 years? wtf...

 

he showed his son a good example of how to live life.

 

how could your H know anything different? this is the way he was taught to live. this is "normal" to him - in his world.