When the SO is/was an Addict

[White Flower]

Just makes me wanna cry. People tell me this all the time.

Candymoon it is time to start living for YOU. Love yourself, it's about time.

[You Go Girl]

Gunny's right--pot isn't supposed to be physically addictive like alcohol or drugs, but anything can be addictive if the person uses it, has anxiety without it, lies and sacrifices healthy thinking and healthy relationships in order to use.

Candymoon--several of us want to hear of you living a better life because a mate who is that boring, unproductive, and basically well, useless, sounds like a living hell. Now we all get used to what we have on a daily basis. But do you ever dream of something different? What if you had a lawyer for a mate? What if you had a man who got up at 7 a.m. to fix the leaky faucet? Just saying...ever dream of what so many other women have in a mate?

I'm living in a roommate situation, but not for too much longer. Hopefully before this month is over I'm outta here.

Before I came upstairs to log onto here, I watched him pass out again with a movie blaring at too high of volume. He'd had five or six double shots of whiskey. Mid-afternoon, breakfast, all good times to start drinking on the weekends.

Shortly after I married him now 6 years ago, I watched him take one of his afternoon naps from alcohol use and thought it was pretty sad. It was summer, and there were so many gorgeous sunny days to be enjoying. Yet he was always inside.

Al-anon was tough for me to join. I went 8 times, and was just very frustrated because everyone's partner was in recovery, either long term or short term. They were calmer because of that. I was angry. They talked about their own lives and decisions instead of the awful behavior of the spouse. That was irritating. They also approach it all from a religious angle, I'm not.

Finally I got it. Thinking about myself instead of his errors. How did I make that switch? Detachment.

Detachment is key to understanding how you want to live your own life, being with them is secondary. Once you move emotionally a distance away from them and the behaviors that cause you terrific stress, you are able to focus daily, hourly, even by the minute--on how you want to live, not what imbalances you see existing in another person.

I've been on the couch for 9 months or more now, I didn't write down the date I detached physically.

What I can say is that detachment is saving my life. I was the unhappiest person I had ever known, and the angriest too. That was my mental state for several years.

You do have to start freeing yourself from his issues, whatever they are. You are responsible, you have a lovely daughter, you make a good living--now LIVE.

Make friends, keep dates with friends, take your daughter interesting places, don't sit in that house and watch him do his usual nothingness.

There's nothing worse than giving up enjoying a beautiful sunny day to nurse somebody else's problem. They're not worth it.

Expand your social life. I believe you will naturally grow apart from him as you are active in opportunities with others and focus on the things that interest you.

Not saying he definitely won't come around, but you've wasted a lot of time in life...don't waste anymore.

[dreamingoftigers]

OMG I love detachment! I have been doing it the last two weeks! I did it for me and decided to just clean up my own backyard, and it is such a relief! LOL I also noticed that that actually influenced my H's decisions, when I started leaving him alone to solve his own issues. And when he would get kind of act like he might leave, I just made it clear that that was his choice and at the end of the day I couldn't make him stay. That seemed to really register. We have both been happier

 

I used to hate going to S-anon too because the other women had the men in their relationships, but now there is more of a mixed bag.

[candymoon]

Candymoon it is time to start living for YOU. Love yourself, it's about time.

 

Dragging this thread back up. Things have been up and down emotionally for me. One day I want him to go, another stay. One day I wanted to pack up me and my daughter and just walk out. That one was new.

 

As far as I know, he is now "only" smokin dope once a month when his friend comes over and is maintaining that. I am still not sure how to feel about that.

 

I never mentioned before and I should have... he has a personality disorder. Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder. Everything I have found on the subject has been vague with too much psychobabble and not enough real life examples, until I found these scenarious online. http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/view_doc.php?type=doc&id=10921

 

I'd say No 3 is us to the T. About EVERYTHING. No.s 4 and 5 are pretty on it too, tho I never nag about anything. Or whine. I just pull the frustrated "whatever" attitude.

 

Soo, to start living for me... i duno what even makes me happy anymore, WF.

 

As a matter of fact, we went to the SIL's baby shower this weekend. She has her own set of problems, but is very sweet. I was actually very jealous of some things. the guy who knocked her up is there and he's in school, taking exams for some highly technical certification and is going to interviews to step up to the plate and take care of his business. This from a guy she's only known the duration of her pregnancy really (barely a year together--she got pregnant within the 1st 2 months they were together)... he was an unemployed beachbum surfer who mooched off his relatives to survive. He's 29 and she's 28. But at the least he is getting out there, with at least the appearance of confidence and taking care of his new family. I'm sure he's scared as sh*t, but I see the excitement in his eyes over the coming little girl. Whether or not they make it (and I have my doubts, honestly--they barely know each other), I can tell he will do whatever it takes to give his daughter a decent upbringing.

 

3 weeks ago my husband said he would 'look into' taking some classes from my suggestion that he should. of course there's been no such thing. prolly running around in his head so much he is 'stuck' like i read in those scenarios.

 

i feel like the dynamics of our relationship is stuck in a loop. i can choose to be comfy in it or take a giant leap and try something new. right now he is working 6-7 days a week. he is 'self employed' and sits at his computer all week long working and still barely making enough to be considered an actual living wage for this area. i think his ocpd has him so mired in 'perfecting' his business, which in almost 20 years, has never brought a living wage that he will become so old and stuck in his ways that he will never see a way out.

 

and i am having trouble seeing my own way out.

 

i fear for divorce becuase i worry about how hard it will be on my daughter. but i've also come to realize that i worry about how he will raise her alone (even with us trying to coparent). because he gets stuck in his 'perfection' loop, he can't stop what he is doing to tend to her. as it is now, he has her (a 4 year old!) playing video games or plays kiddie youtube videos for her until he finishes a job. alone with him even now, she never gets to bed on time, or naps on time because he cant stop. he will microwave a frozen corn dog for her dinner if i cant be there because his ocpd tells him he can't cook well enough to make dinner perfect (i have cooked all our meals for the last 16 years we lived together--before that we were living with our parents). he's just begun to learn how to cook and wont do it much because they don't taste 'perfect' yet.

 

so mostly, i fear how she will be taken care of with him alone... part of me wants us to stay together for this reason. yes, more on the co-dependent thing, i know...but it's a sh*t situation with no real good solutions.

 

my therapist gave me some marriage counselor numbers and i will call today or tomorrow and see if we find a good match. i honestly, have no hope. i'm just in it now to 'protect' my child. i don't think i love him anymore. i just feel bad for all of us!

[candymoon]

OMG I love detachment! I have been doing it the last two weeks! I did it for me and decided to just clean up my own backyard, and it is such a relief! LOL I also noticed that that actually influenced my H's decisions, when I started leaving him alone to solve his own issues. And when he would get kind of act like he might leave, I just made it clear that that was his choice and at the end of the day I couldn't make him stay. That seemed to really register. We have both been happier

 

I used to hate going to S-anon too because the other women had the men in their relationships, but now there is more of a mixed bag.

 

The more I detach, the more HE detaches. He is very reactive to my actions, almost a mirror. It has always been this way. I've always asked him, why do you react like that just because I do this? It doesnt make sense. He has no response to it, really. I sometimes wonder if it is a form of manipulation...

 

You know what kicked my husband into gear to at least quit smoking weed? An email to a male friend he snooped on. Mind you, anything I confided in my friends about I have ALREADY told the H about, things we discussed time and again, but that ocpd thing wont allow him to get out of his perfection loops to really do anything . It’s usually just me asking for advice—mind you he knows this male friend, so its not like a secret or telling some gripes hadn’t known about. In this one though, I said I wanted out….I’d been telling my H this a long time that it wasn’t working. But I think because it was a man I was talking to, regardless if he knew of him that he got scared. That seems to be the only way to get his attention is for something cataclysmic to happen. The same with his health and being 2 weeks in the hospital last year after his affair confession. The same with our financial ruin.

 

It’s awful we have to be brought to the brink for any positive changes to take place…but then again, in some of these cases, it’s too late! Like his health, he has a lifelong disease… like our finances…I cant even comprehend how many years it will take to get out of this and back in the black (even if we divorce—we have no home and ergo no equity to split to pay off debts)… it’s fycked up and weird

[candymoon]

You do have to start freeing yourself from his issues, whatever they are. You are responsible, you have a lovely daughter, you make a good living--now LIVE.

Make friends, keep dates with friends, take your daughter interesting places, don't sit in that house and watch him do his usual nothingness.

There's nothing worse than giving up enjoying a beautiful sunny day to nurse somebody else's problem. They're not worth it.

Expand your social life. I believe you will naturally grow apart from him as you are active in opportunities with others and focus on the things that interest you.

Not saying he definitely won't come around, but you've wasted a lot of time in life...don't waste anymore.

 

In bold is really hard after being entangled for 20 years... I am doing my best. I've joined social groups and keeping the dates as best I can. I am meeting a friend I havent seen in 10 years for lunch this week.

 

Last weekend was the first time in about 6 years I went to a club and danced with the new friends I'm making. I can't recommend meetup.com enough for those who are like me and having to rebuild your entire social network. lol! It seems so lame, but it's nice...

 

Next month a new friend and I are going to comedy show.

 

So I am doing what I can to get a life outside of my house and marriage. sometimes though, you cant help but to wonder about the how's and the why's of where it went wrong and how to fix it...or if it can be fixed. I think it's all part of my healing process...maybe even the process of moving on.

 

oh YGG, you said a man that gets up to fix stuff? OMG do they exist?! Hope things are looking better in your situation, too, YGG....

[dreamingoftigers]

The more I detach, the more HE detaches. He is very reactive to my actions, almost a mirror. It has always been this way. I've always asked him, why do you react like that just because I do this? It doesnt make sense. He has no response to it, really. I sometimes wonder if it is a form of manipulation...

 

You know what kicked my husband into gear to at least quit smoking weed? An email to a male friend he snooped on. Mind you, anything I confided in my friends about I have ALREADY told the H about, things we discussed time and again, but that ocpd thing wont allow him to get out of his perfection loops to really do anything . It’s usually just me asking for advice—mind you he knows this male friend, so its not like a secret or telling some gripes hadn’t known about. In this one though, I said I wanted out….I’d been telling my H this a long time that it wasn’t working. But I think because it was a man I was talking to, regardless if he knew of him that he got scared. That seems to be the only way to get his attention is for something cataclysmic to happen. The same with his health and being 2 weeks in the hospital last year after his affair confession. The same with our financial ruin.

 

It’s awful we have to be brought to the brink for any positive changes to take place…but then again, in some of these cases, it’s too late! Like his health, he has a lifelong disease… like our finances…I cant even comprehend how many years it will take to get out of this and back in the black (even if we divorce—we have no home and ergo no equity to split to pay off debts)… it’s fycked up and weird

 

Detachment doesn't mean ignoring, it means to start taking care of your needs and stop trying to fix others. I suggest you read more about co-dependency before dismissing this very HEALTHY step, that will actually give you a chance to preserve your sanity and perhaps even your relationship if you so choose.

[candymoon]

Detachment doesn't mean ignoring, it means to start taking care of your needs and stop trying to fix others. I suggest you read more about co-dependency before dismissing this very HEALTHY step, that will actually give you a chance to preserve your sanity and perhaps even your relationship if you so choose.

 

Oh I know, DoT and I have. I don't let things go by anymore. I do face him on issues, so I don't ignore. And I am taking care of my needs more, especially socially, which I wrote on above. Just hashing through my thoughts and getting them together here really.... trying to make sense of things.

 

And thanks for reading and posting. Always appreciated--oh! and happy bday to your girl (and mom too!). I remember because their bdays are only 2 days apart. lol

[You Go Girl]

I say, for your daughter's sake, that you pick one thing to keep pounding into his head, and that's taking care of her and actually watching her, spending quality time with her, instead of pawning her off to machines so he can zone away in his computer whatever he is doing.

Keep pounding it to him. Again, and again, and again.

This guy is thicker than a brick. Almost nothing gets through to him.

 

Great that he's backing off all the weed. But, the 'ism' of the pothead mentality is so still with him.

This guy needs a lot of swift kicks in the pants. The thing is to keep kicking him on one issue at a time, so as to not overall appear a nag, and to get a point across to him.

Actually being a parent who's present, would be a great start, whether you separate or not.

You're in no hurry, I see, and after 20 years, you could go on like this forever. You have no immediate crisis.

When you get tired of it all, is up to you. He may start to come around in other ways, if you attack one issue at a time.

But, life's short...and time's a wastin'...the image in the mirror isn't getting any younger.

Are you 40 yet? You do know that the lines, gray hair, and everything else starts to happen then, right?

You will realize your own mortality. Maybe that's when....

[candymoon]

I say, for your daughter's sake, that you pick one thing to keep pounding into his head, and that's taking care of her and actually watching her, spending quality time with her, instead of pawning her off to machines so he can zone away in his computer whatever he is doing.

Keep pounding it to him. Again, and again, and again.

This guy is thicker than a brick. Almost nothing gets through to him.

 

Great that he's backing off all the weed. But, the 'ism' of the pothead mentality is so still with him.

This guy needs a lot of swift kicks in the pants. The thing is to keep kicking him on one issue at a time, so as to not overall appear a nag, and to get a point across to him.

Actually being a parent who's present, would be a great start, whether you separate or not.

You're in no hurry, I see, and after 20 years, you could go on like this forever. You have no immediate crisis.

When you get tired of it all, is up to you. He may start to come around in other ways, if you attack one issue at a time.

But, life's short...and time's a wastin'...the image in the mirror isn't getting any younger.

Are you 40 yet? You do know that the lines, gray hair, and everything else starts to happen then, right?

You will realize your own mortality. Maybe that's when....

 

No lines, but a couple greys . And I know... he is a brick. Like a said cataclysmic events are what moves him to change....

 

And there was quite the blow today. The finally tally is in for the tax damage. I thought it couldnt be much worse, but it is...bout 50k total. I am so numb, I couldnt even respond. just said OK and started another conversation. Was I supposed to yell and scream? Tell him that his negligence was the cost of our child's college education? That we haven't had a vacation in almost 10 years and I don't see another one for another 5? That I am exhausted and... done? We already had that conversation.

 

I can't even cry anymore.

[You Go Girl]

Sit him down and tell him that his self-employed hobby business isn't making enough to pay his fair share. Use those taxes as an example.

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results--just what is he going to do to actually make a profit?

 

Another reality check.