Kim's Coping Log

[kimflute26]

Thank you for your story, carolinawanderer. And no... he didn't tell me it was my fault. Actually he told me several times that it wasn't. I suppose at this point I'm trying my best to move on from even trying to figure out who is at "fault"... know what I mean?

 

 

Anyways GUYS................... I have made a huge decision. I've decided to woman up and request no contact with him, and basically refuse the role of being his friend at this point in time. I finally recognize that it will be an important step in this process and I cannot let the current situation go on any longer. How should I put it to him? I want to send the SHORTEST message possible that still gets across what I want to say. The things I want to say are:

 

1. I accept his decision to end the relationship and agree it was for the best.

 

2. Ask him to not contact me for a while (should I mention a time frame or leave it ambiguous?)

 

3. Tell him I cannot be a friend to him (should I throw in the words "right now"?) because I still have feelings.

 

4. Wish him the best over the remainder of the semester.

 

Also, assuming that I still want to leave the door open for reconciliation, should I delete him from facebook as well? I'm thinking yes... because I'd probably still drive myself nuts looking at his profile all the time.

 

What do you all think???????

[Rearden Metal]

Thank you for your story, carolinawanderer. And no... he didn't tell me it was my fault. Actually he told me several times that it wasn't. I suppose at this point I'm trying my best to move on from even trying to figure out who is at "fault"... know what I mean?

 

 

Anyways GUYS................... I have made a huge decision. I've decided to woman up and request no contact with him, and basically refuse the role of being his friend at this point in time. I finally recognize that it will be an important step in this process and I cannot let the current situation go on any longer. How should I put it to him? I want to send the SHORTEST message possible that still gets across what I want to say. The things I want to say are:

 

1. I accept his decision to end the relationship and agree it was for the best.

 

2. Ask him to not contact me for a while (should I mention a time frame or leave it ambiguous?)

 

3. Tell him I cannot be a friend to him (should I throw in the words "right now"?) because I still have feelings.

 

4. Wish him the best over the remainder of the semester.

 

Also, assuming that I still want to leave the door open for reconciliation, should I delete him from facebook as well? I'm thinking yes... because I'd probably still drive myself nuts looking at his profile all the time.

 

What do you all think???????

 

2. Do not mention a time frame.

 

3. Do not put in "right now"

 

4. Don't include this. A simple "Be well" suffices.

 

Less is more. He'll miss you, and then he'll get on with things. In time, a full view of what you mean to him will become evident to him. At that point, he will likely contact you, and it's your job to determine his intent, and whether you want any part of it.

[spriggig]

Thank you for your story, carolinawanderer. And no... he didn't tell me it was my fault. Actually he told me several times that it wasn't. I suppose at this point I'm trying my best to move on from even trying to figure out who is at "fault"... know what I mean?

 

 

Anyways GUYS................... I have made a huge decision. I've decided to woman up and request no contact with him, and basically refuse the role of being his friend at this point in time. I finally recognize that it will be an important step in this process and I cannot let the current situation go on any longer. How should I put it to him? I want to send the SHORTEST message possible that still gets across what I want to say. The things I want to say are:

 

1. I accept his decision to end the relationship and agree it was for the best.

 

2. Ask him to not contact me for a while (should I mention a time frame or leave it ambiguous?)

 

3. Tell him I cannot be a friend to him (should I throw in the words "right now"?) because I still have feelings.

 

4. Wish him the best over the remainder of the semester.

 

Also, assuming that I still want to leave the door open for reconciliation, should I delete him from facebook as well? I'm thinking yes... because I'd probably still drive myself nuts looking at his profile all the time.

 

What do you all think???????

 

1. Tell him "I need some space."

 

2. Do not wait for a reply. Fall off the face of the earth. Delete him from EVERYTHING and ignore all calls.

 

3. Do not talk to mutual friends or family members about him.

 

4. Use this time to pamper yourself.

 

5. If and when he comes almost literally crawling back to you on hands and knees, begging for a second chance do you CONSIDER that you MIGHT take him back. Then proceed with extreme caution.

[Cora]

Hey thanks Kimflute. I may just take you up on that offer and pm you whenever I have that urge to contact him. Today has been okay so far. Like I said, the days are usually fine, but when night comes I just go downhill. I guess because that was when we would usually be up all night talking away. Both him and I kept our profiles posted on the dating site we met on too. We just never discussed taking them down and I would check from time to time just to see if he logged on. Damn curiosity! Anyway, I noticed since the breakup he has logged on everyday since. It kind of stings, but I can't blame him because so have I.....although I did it just to see if he had been on. I need to stop that I know and I'll probably just end up deleting my profile. Anyway, thank you and it really does help to have someone to relate to. When I read your post I swear I thought I was reading about mysels and just had to respond.

[kimflute26]

Ok, this is what I've drafted...

 

[insert name here],

 

I accept your decision to end our relationship and agree it was for the best. I don't know what the future will hold, but I have to ask you to not contact me anymore at this point in time. It is in my best interest to not take on a friendship role with you. Be well.

 

- Kim

 

Is it too harsh? Would this sort of message leave any possibility for reconciliation? I feel like I want to say "Love, Kim" or add "regardless of my feelings" after the friendship role sentence. I DO NOT want to make it seem like I want him OUT of my life or that I hate him or something. Opinions? I WILL NOT send it until I receive opinions..... lol.

[Rearden Metal]

Ok, this is what I've drafted...

 

[insert name here],

 

I accept your decision to end our relationship and agree it was for the best. I don't know what the future will hold, but I have to ask you to not contact me anymore at this point in time. It is in my best interest to not take on a friendship role with you. Be well.

 

- Kim

 

Is it too harsh? Would this sort of message leave any possibility for reconciliation? I feel like I want to say "Love, Kim" or add "regardless of my feelings" after the friendship role sentence. I DO NOT want to make it seem like I want him OUT of my life or that I hate him or something. Opinions? I WILL NOT send it until I receive opinions..... lol.

 

I felt the SAME way, and I wrote a much softer NC letter. Then I had to tell her on the phone. Then I had to deal with her 2 weeks later IMing me to remain "friendly". Wasn't until I expressly told her that "I will leave you alone, please do the same for me. Don't contact me again" in bold, clear English that she finally stopped the games ( I think... today is 17 days NC).

[kimflute26]

So my message is good...? Lol. I think it succeeds in being very direct yet does not give off the impression that I want him out of my life....

[Rearden Metal]

It's perfect. Nothing wasted. No confusion. Just "please, kindly, disappear. I'm not your friend."

 

It feels harsh, but harsh is keeping you on a string, feeding you bits of cheese and occasionally stepping on your tail painfully.

[kimflute26]

This is gona hurt. Guess who just messaged me again? The ex. It's sort of abnormal actually. He texts me a few times every day and the breakup is only around a week old. Normally this is the point where the ex AVOIDS....? Well anyway, he won't be expecting this at all...... To be honest I'm still debating putting "Love, Kim" or something. Unless someone talks me out of it. Grrrrrr!!!!

[Rearden Metal]

This is gona hurt. Guess who just messaged me again? The ex. It's sort of abnormal actually. He texts me a few times every day and the breakup is only around a week old. Normally this is the point where the ex AVOIDS....? Well anyway, he won't be expecting this at all...... To be honest I'm still debating putting "Love, Kim" or something. Unless someone talks me out of it. Grrrrrr!!!!

 

 

It's ok to say Love, Kim.... but only if you're really going NC. He's going to keep texting/contacting. It's your job to put space between you guys so that you can see what's real.

[kimflute26]

****, does it really seem like I got it from something like that? How do I make it sound like it's coming "from me"???? I dont want it to sound like I want him and I to go grab a beer! Lol......

[spriggig]

This is gona hurt. Guess who just messaged me again? The ex. It's sort of abnormal actually. He texts me a few times every day and the breakup is only around a week old. Normally this is the point where the ex AVOIDS....? Well anyway, he won't be expecting this at all...... To be honest I'm still debating putting "Love, Kim" or something. Unless someone talks me out of it. Grrrrrr!!!!

 

It really doesn't matter what you say to him as long as you convey that you need your space. This is just the appetizer to the main course: NC.

 

You must maintain NC once you start. He needs to believe that you have moved on and you must try to actually move on. If you give in to his wishy-washy "Hey, watch'a doin" texts this won't work. Keep telling yourself "He's going to have to do better than that if he wants me back!". Until he does do "better than that"--whatever finally convinces you that he really wants/needs to meet you and isn't just playing it cool and touching base.

[kimflute26]

Point well taken.

 

And um... I dont know if this is better? (hey... might as well go out in the best way I can...)

 

[insert name here],

 

I have a new perspective on things and agree that your decision to break up is for the best. I don't know what the future will hold, but I need to ask you to not contact me anymore at this point in time. It is best for me to not take on a role of friendship with you.... Be well.

 

Love,

Kim

Edited March 28, 2010 by kimflute26

[kimflute26]

It's a fb message. Thanks for the response... I'm actually pretty settled on my message though. Planning to send it in a few hours.

[Rearden Metal]

Point well taken.

 

And um... I dont know if this is better? (hey... might as well go out in the best way I can...)

 

[insert name here],

 

I have a new perspective on things and agree that your decision to break up is for the best. I don't know what the future will hold, but I need to ask you to not contact me anymore at this point in time. It is best for me to not take on a role of friendship with you.... Be well.

 

Love,

Kim

 

This is fine. It's more fluid than the last one, for sure. It really is unimportant how you say it, just THAT you say it, and moreover, that you DO IT.

[kimflute26]

Geezus freaking christ, I just got advice from another forum about this and they all think my message sounds too much like a goodbye, and leaves little room for reconciliation. They think it needs to go more like this:

 

[insert name here],

 

At this point I have a new perspective on things and agree with your decision to breakup... At the same time my heart still pounds when I receive a message from you and I realize that just isn't good for me. I have to ask you to not contact me again for a few weeks or so. I just find it too difficult to take on a role of friendship with you - I hope you can understand.

 

Love,

Kim

 

And they think I shouldnt block him. I dont know WHAT to do. UGH

[Rearden Metal]

Geezus freaking christ, I just got advice from another forum about this and they all think my message sounds too much like a goodbye, and leaves little room for reconciliation. They think it needs to go more like this:

 

[insert name here],

 

At this point I have a new perspective on things and agree with your decision to breakup... At the same time my heart still pounds when I receive a message from you and I realize that just isn't good for me. I have to ask you to not contact me again for a few weeks or so. I just find it too difficult to take on a role of friendship with you - I hope you can understand.

 

Love,

Kim

 

And they think I shouldnt block him. I dont know WHAT to do. UGH

 

I think I know what "other" forum you're on, and I think I'm banned from there for being too awesome. So I believe you know that means I think my advice is better than thiers.

[kimflute26]

LOL. Excuse me while I sit on my hands and think for a bit......

[Rearden Metal]

LOL. Excuse me while I sit on my hands and think for a bit......

 

Be true to yourself. That's what matters.

[kimflute26]

I sent it. It took an all day spamming of this thread and writing and re-writing and thinking.... but I sent it. Good. Now the real work begins. Thanks to all who offered advice during that ciritical moment...

[Rearden Metal]

I sent it. It took an all day spamming of this thread and writing and re-writing and thinking.... but I sent it. Good. Now the real work begins. Thanks to all who offered advice during that ciritical moment...

 

Have an ice cream sundae! Take a bubble bath! Enjoy your night, you've done well!

[kimflute26]

Good morning all. At the moment I feel as though I've woken up with a "no contact letter hangover" of sorts. The gravity of what I've done is sinking in.... I imagine it will be the same scenario for the ex since he has been initiating contact with me every day. He sent me 2 messages that I didnt respond to before I bit the bullet and sent him the NC letter. I'm positive he has read it by now...

 

Anyway, I'll admit I'm fighting thoughts of wondering whether I did the right thing. Feeling slightly guilty for pushing away the offer of friendship... but how will anything ever change if I continue being his "friend"? I know that's not really what I want so I shouldn't kid myself by trying..... In case you're wondering, I didn't delete him from facebook. Yes, I know.... But it just didnt feel right. I'll need to keep my checking urges under control on my own. One thing I'm wondering though is if I should keep updating about my life on facebook during this NC period. I'm not sure what would be better - Letting him see all the things I'm doing to take control of my life... or letting him see nothing at all.

[Rearden Metal]

Good morning all. At the moment I feel as though I've woken up with a "no contact letter hangover" of sorts. The gravity of what I've done is sinking in.... I imagine it will be the same scenario for the ex since he has been initiating contact with me every day. He sent me 2 messages that I didnt respond to before I bit the bullet and sent him the NC letter. I'm positive he has read it by now...

 

Anyway, I'll admit I'm fighting thoughts of wondering whether I did the right thing. Feeling slightly guilty for pushing away the offer of friendship... but how will anything ever change if I continue being his "friend"? I know that's not really what I want so I shouldn't kid myself by trying..... In case you're wondering, I didn't delete him from facebook. Yes, I know.... But it just didnt feel right. I'll need to keep my checking urges under control on my own. One thing I'm wondering though is if I should keep updating about my life on facebook during this NC period. I'm not sure what would be better - Letting him see all the things I'm doing to take control of my life... or letting him see nothing at all.

 

Please listen carefully. I'm not joking around here.

 

1. I've felt the EXACT same hangover. And I've doubted myself from time to time that what I did pushed her away and killed chances of reconciliation. But when I'm honest with myself, I see that's BULLSH*T. They're already gone. NC is the ONLY way they'll get a taste of having NO chance to check up on you.

 

2. DELETE and BLOCK on Facebook. Your urges will be too strong. Trust me. I'm struggling with Twitter right now, and I've deleted everything else. I'm going to take my own advice and delete Twitter too. DE-FUC*INGLETE!!!

[kimflute26]

Crap I don't know... Someone on another forum told me deleting him off facebook is like closing the door. I dont want to close the door!!! I'm scared that if i delete him he really WILL move on and wont contact me again. Do you think something like facebook really makes a difference anyway??... I mean.... could deleting the ex off it versus not deleting them actually impact a real chance at reconciliation??? This I am still debating in my own mind...

[spriggig]

Crap I don't know... Someone on another forum told me deleting him off facebook is like closing the door. I dont want to close the door!!! I'm scared that if i delete him he really WILL move on and wont contact me again. Do you think something like facebook really makes a difference anyway??... I mean.... could deleting the ex off it versus not deleting them actually impact a real chance at reconciliation??? This I am still debating in my own mind...

 

I let go of my wife on Feb. 25 at 11:30AM. It was, by far, the most painful experience of my life.

 

BUT, what I found on the other side was a more peaceful and happier mind--I was finally able to sleep. I hope you can find that too.