How do you guys survive a LDR?

[MrsPeaSoup]

Hello everyone,

 

How do you deal with your LDR? Is it working out for you or not?

How is the communication between you two (phone, internet, MSN, texting, e-mail etc?)

 

Please share your experiences, maybe with little advices, opinions and whatnot.

 

 

I'm asking this because I've lost my love of my life because of that stupid LDR (we both moved to the other side of the country to study) and I blew up, because I was constantly pissed on him for little stupid things. But I got pissed because of the frustration that I missed him and couldn't see him more. Do you know this as well? How do you cope with these feelings?

 

 

Please share your experiences, not only for me, but for everyone trying to overcome the looonggg distance!

[Pyro]

Its definitely no walk in the park.

 

First thing that you must do in order for the relationship to survive is trust. There is no way to tell what the other person is doing at all times, so you need to trust your partner, otherwise you will stress yourself out and that stress will transfer over and cause nothing but problems between the two of you. You can't stop someone from doing what they want, so don't waste your energy worrying over it.

 

Even though you are unable to see the person physically on a daily basis, still make time for communication. If you want it to work you have to make time for the person.

 

IMO, for a long-distance relationship to last, you need a plan of some sort to be with the person on a more permanent basis. Its silly and pointless (once again IMO) to stay with someone and have no plans to be together.

 

Keep things interesting between the two of you. Talk to each other.

 

We use IM, webcam, and the phone.

 

We've just completed our first meetup in person and now the real challenge awaits but she is worth it, so we will be fine.

 

I hope my information has helped.

Edited March 28, 2010 by Pyro

[gracielou]

my LDR has been the hardest thing ive ever done...but my fiance and I have almost made it. He is officially moving in with me this coming friday. I am going to school in California, He was finishing up college and then working in Boston. We got through it with communication, trusting each other and being really stubborn. When we first started the LDR i was depressed and cried myself to sleep every night for months. It was extremely hard to get use to being that far away after dating during college for just over a year.

 

The best advice i can give is communication, communication, communication!!! that is the only way to make it work. We have used Aim, Text messaging, email, Skype, and phone. We are in constant communication through out the day with each other. Due to the time zone issue, we decided and agreed to designate an hour each night to talk via skype or phone. We decided on a time that worked best for each of us in our schedules and if for what ever reason something popped up and that time didn't work than we would discuss alternate times for that night. If we couldn't find an alternate time then we wouldn't talk, but that was something we would try to avoid.

 

When we had arguments (and we had our fair share of them) it was important that we stay on the phone/skype long enough to resolve them or come to some small type of resolution or truce. There were times we would call a truce and it would take days to figure out the heart of the issue, but we would work at it to get there. I started my fair share of arguments over small things and it was frustrating to him over time. It eventually hit me that I was starting those arguments because i missed him or stressed and through those arguments I was getting the emotional part i needed from him. Once we both recognized that that was the real issue, my fiance started telling me that he missed me and stopped putting up the tough guy act. Once he started doing that the arguments over the stupid little things were diminished. There have been several times where we had blow outs where one of us felt like giving up, but we are both crazy stubborn and we knew that life without each other wasn't worth it and it was better to work through things.

 

We had to make alot of compromises to make it work, especially these past 7 months while he was working. They have been really hard on me and when he made the decision to stay in boston i was honest with him and told him that i could not emotionally handle the long distance for another year unless something changed. Our compromise was to increase the number of visits to see each other. Since he was working he did most of the flying (and now those miles paid for our honeymoon completely). Every moment of those visits was cherished. Talk time has become even more important, for us to share our feelings and what we need from each other. More support, or more attentiveness or things we need to hear from each other.

 

One thing that has really helped me make it through was having an end date. Our original end date was July 1st of this year. That was moved up to april because we both have reached our limit with the long distance, and i finally have my own apartment on campus so he can move in.

 

Each LDR is different because each couple is different. It is important to speak up when aspects of the LDR isn't working for you and try to figure out a solution or acceptable compromise between you and your partner. I believe that both parties in the relationship have to be willing to want it to work equally. I know couples do Skype dates where they agree to make a dinner together over skype, other couples play online video games with each other, my fiance and I found a TV show that we could watch together on Vh1 and discussed it via aim. Unfortunately, it is a trial and error situation until you find something that works for you as a couple and as an individual. If your partner isn't very showy in their affection, then don't expect them to all of a sudden be showy once the LDR starts. Instead learn to look for and appreciate the small gestures they do that say they care.

 

LDR's are tough but they can work...we have

[Mei Mei]

I think the crux for surviving in a LDR is being a secure person. Elements as commitment, trust and communication are essential elements to help you enhance your security and depth of the relationship. Anyhow, if you are an insecure person, you can't survive well after separation, during festivals or memorable moments when your SO is not near to you and that sometimes the communication is a bit rocky.

 

For LDRs that are less complicated in term of physical and time distance, and the time to meet is more frequent with closer ending date, the relatively insecure persons can still survive. Nevertheless, for the more difficult ones that are with longer physical distance, time gap, less clear of ending date and longer gap in real contact, and even the communication will be rocky, I wonder if insecure persons could live with it.

[Spiritofnow]

I feel really strongly about answering this thread especially as someone who has really struggled with the reality of an LDR at times. I know how helpful, comforting and reassuring reading other people's reflections, ideas and coping strategies has been for me, so I want to give some of the strategies me and my partner have used in order to survive the thousands of miles and ocean that physically separates us.

 

What the hell is this LDR all about???

I think the first thing to realise is that an LDR is a unique way to experience a relationship. There is no other blue-print or relationship advice that exists in our every day worlds (unless you know someone who has been through it), and so it takes a while to understand how those dynamics of distance and the reliance on electronic communication affect you as an individual. Once I realised that I was feeling all these mixed up emotions I began to research the impact of LDR's on an individual. Reading research, and other people's stories has helped me separate the difference between how I feel about my partner and the distance. I remind him that he is not the problem, but the distance and all it entails challenges me as an individual at times.

 

Communication, communication, communication!!!

Once you have figured out how it effects you it's really important to highlight those issues with your partner so that you can find ways together to combat those feelings. Remembering that an LDR is unique and so too are the ways to address those issues. Here are some of the things we have tried:

 

Nurturing your relationship across the miles

In the early days of our LDR we created a wiki together. We created topics and related questions to those topics that each of us would answer. Things like; what is your most happy child-hood memory, what values did you learn from your parents and why are they important to you?, what was it about me that first attracted you to me. It was so great going in and reading what he had said and I learned so much about him on a much deeper level. We also created a travel page on there and posted all the places we would like to travel together. The limits are endless and you can be as inventive and imaginative as you want. Our wiki is full of wonderful memories and stories that you can also go back to read on those days when you are missing your partner more.

 

Date night: on the phone whilst watching the same movie. It is really important to share moments together that you can discuss.

 

Reading books at the same time and having your own book club. I particularly love this one.

 

Setting an alarm to go off at the same time especially when you have different time zones so that you know you are thinking about each other at that exact moment.

 

We also tried sending a surprise parcel to each other that we called ' what's in the box' we just sent random things in a smallish sized box. Each time one of us received the box we would fill it and send it back at a time of our choosing. I still have the box, opppps, ha ha! I am going to make him his favourite cookies and send them in the box.

 

Eating the same meal on the same night.

 

Talking for hours on the phone about the most random mad things, and laughing together a lot!

 

Playing games via the internet - we play lexulous on facebook - he always wins!!!

 

We have a created a Second Life account, which we sometimes use to travel to places together and be interactive.

 

We use twitter as our everyday up date place, which works for us.

 

Trust is so important and more so in an LDR. You have to build up the trust and feel confident about trusting your partner. I trust my partner, which also allows me to be honest about my feelings with him when I am struggling with the distance. We have a strong relationship and we both work at being a team and hearing each other.

 

Talking about the future and knowing that there is some end in sight, or that you both have the same goals for your future together. Making concrete plans for visits. I have my own system of counting the time in between each visit - I don't count the month I am already in and I don't count the month we are going to see each other. It seems to work for me and makes those longer periods in between visits more manageable.

 

It can be bloody tough at times, but I know having my partner in my life is what I want for the future, and I am prepared to wait for us to be together.

Edited March 28, 2010 by Spiritofnow

[MrsPeaSoup]

Thank you all very very much for sharing your experiences!

I wish I'd asked you all so much sooner, because for me high chance it'll be over for good, but I think you've helped others as well.

 

Thank you for this.

 

If more people want to share their experiences, please still do!

They are more than welcome

[aerogurl87]

Well I've been in one LDR before the one I'm in now and I learned alot from it on how to make things work. For my guy and I, we text each other constantly. And by constantly I mean I average 2,000 texts per week (incoming and outgoing) from him alone, lol. We also use skype every day which is a life saver. Just hearing his voice alone makes my day. We also use the messenger on MSN alot and tell each other about our day, rant to each other about stuff that may be bothering us, and we talk alot about our upcoming visit. All of that really helps us.

 

I think as everyone else has mentioned though, communication is key in a LDR. My boyfriend isn't much of a talker when it comes to talking on the phone, but he makes up for it by texting me a whole lot. I on the other hand, prefer being on the phone, so we've found a good medium that makes us both happy. Also we're both aware that with LDRs miscommunication can happen, so whenever we have some we talk it out. Sometimes that means less sleep for one or both of us, but we try to talk things out when they happen instead of letting them stew and get bigger later on.

[Xelha]

For me, talking about our plans for the future really helps. Like what we'll do when we next see each other, and things like that. We also try to watch some of the same TV shows and movies.

 

We trust each other pretty much 100%, which I think will end up being the thing that saves our relationship during these difficult times. We talk maybe once every 2 days, which for me isn't really enough, but it's hard since there's a 6-hour time difference between us. Hopefully in the future we'll find some way to talk more.

[XKatieX]

I have been in a LDR for 4 years now, we have 2 more years left to go until we can be with each other and there is no longer distance.

 

I will tell you that the more time goes by the harder it gets, in the beginning of the relationship I never imagined it being so hard.

 

What you're describing here of missing him and getting mad or upset because of that, I can relate to a lot. I know that when we fight it could easily be resolved, if it were in person..but instead sometimes it gets dragged on..there are miscommunications, and I don't always know what hes feeling. I never realize that most the time I get upset about something it is usually due to not being with him. Its okay to get frustrated about it, you're going to be very frustrated at times..but try your hardest not to make into a big fight. Just talk to your SO and tell him how you feel. Communication is the most imporant factor, especially in a LDR.

 

The best thing for you to do is if and when you get mad/upset, think about the consequences. Ask yourself: Will this push my partner away from me? Will this damage our relationship in any way? Will getting angry fix the situation?

Edited March 31, 2010 by XKatieX

[MrsPeaSoup]

Wow, thanks for the advice. If I would have realised that before he broke up with me, I really think I could have saved the whole situation.

 

Thank you all for replying