Is this considered back-stabbing?

[EricaH329]

The original title to this thread was: I need very *quick* advice. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to post that as a title. Anyway, this is the story...

 

A very close girlfriend of mine will be calling me tomorrow regarding what I am about to post. So I need as much advice as I can possibly get.

 

This is the deal: I work with this girl. Her and I have become very close friends over the past year. She has been there for me more than my own best friend has.

 

Anyway, she is very insecure. About everything. Her looks (even though she is beautiful), her status, etc. She is currently engaged to a guy 10 years older than her. He just happens to be well-off. She was just telling me the other day that a lot of people judge her not only because of her looks (because she's gorgeous), but because of who she is with.

 

I always stick up for her when people begin gossiping about her. I always have. But tonight was a little different. I was working, and she had taken off. She texted me earlier today and asked me to promise her that if anyone were to talk about her in any way that I would let her know. I told her I would.

 

Fast forward a few hours. A couple of people that she considers to be pretty good friends with, began talking about her. Not only did I over-hear what they were saying, but they actually asked me about it. It had a lot to do with her status regarding the guy she is engaged to.

 

I know that she is very insecure about this, and I am unsure of whether or not to tell her that these people she considers to be close friends of hers have been talking about her behind her back. It's nothing that she hasn't heard before, but the fact of the matter remains that these are people she has trusted.

 

I don't want to break her heart, and I most certainly don't want to cause drama where it is unnecessary. Please help!

[quankanne]

downplay whatever you heard from the other folks while encouraging her to stop being so insecure about herself, and then tell the other "friends" that while you can appreciate their curiosity, they really need to consider that if she's happy, they should be happy for her, not say snipey things to undermine her.

[EricaH329]

downplay whatever you heard from the other folks while encouraging her to stop being so insecure about herself, and then tell the other "friends" that while you can appreciate their curiosity, they really need to consider that if she's happy, they should be happy for her, not say snipey things to undermine her.

 

How should I downplay what they said to me? I know that the minute I say that these people said something about her, it'll be a million questions and why I think they said these things.

 

I've tried to let her know that there is nothing to be insecure about, but she just cannot grasp that concept. I love her to death, she is seriously one of the most kindest, generous people i've ever met. But there is something much more serious under-lying these issues. Something that she cannot be talked out of.

 

I feel as though I would be betraying her if I did not tell her these things. On the other hand, I know that if I did tell her these things... it would bring much grief.

[SarahRose]

Just keep your mouth shut. You are there to work and not be this insecure girl's personal spy.

[zetkin]

I'd advise you not to tell her. That would only crush her, once again. And you are right - you shouldn't make too much drama. It's not that they were discussing a plan to do something against her. They were just talking - and people talk, all the time. They might have even not consider that they are doing something wrong.

[FreddieJones]

Speak to her generally about the people's attitude, don't let her feel that it something specially about her but don't even tell her that you heard from some other people. Keep this practice for few days and if she ask you to clarify then go on!

[EricaH329]

Thank you everyone for your advice!! It's definitely a tough call. I talked to her earlier today, and tried to keep her busy enough not to think about asking if anyone had talked about her. It worked. But she's giving me a call later and i'm afraid she might ask then.

 

I always try to give her the best advice possible. When she tells me about her insecurities, I try to give her an outsiders perspective, and I do my best to let her know that these things shouldn't be an issue.

 

I don't think i'm going to say anything. I know that these people are who she considers to be her 'good' friends, which breaks my heart knowing they feel this way about her. And to top it all off, they are invited to the wedding that they do not believe to be real.

 

I wish people wouldn't talk to me about my friends. Negatively, that is. I always feel like i'm put in a bad position afterwards.

[Rearden Metal]

Just keep your mouth shut. You are there to work and not be this insecure girl's personal spy.

 

This. Furthermore, I'd let the other girls at work know that you don't really appreciate the gossip.

 

What exactly are they saying about her?

[Kamille]

You know how every parent at one point or other sit their kids down and tell them: "listen, you're not going to like everybody and you can't expect everybody to like you"? It sounds like this woman missed that lesson.

 

And the thing is, figuring out whether or not other people like her or talk about her shouldn't be part of your job. You're enabling her insecurities by going along with her paranoias. Not, not everyone is going to like her and yes, people will talk and judge her actions. It doesn't change anything about who she is and what she means to you as a friend.

 

If a friend of mine requested what yours did, I would refuse her request and tell her to focus on the positives in her life: she's engaged to a great man and she is a great friend (to you). Simple as that.

 

Now that you have agreed, I say lie about what happened this afternoon (who cares anyway, those coworkers are at worst just jealous) and tell her that from now on, as her friend, you will encourage her to look on the positive.

[EricaH329]

This. Furthermore, I'd let the other girls at work know that you don't really appreciate the gossip.

 

What exactly are they saying about her?

 

It was actually a couple of guys that were talking about her. And I always stand up for her when I hear people talking negatively about her. I made it very clear that this girl is a very good friend to me, and I back up any decision she decides to make. Hopefully they won't come to me with their ignorant comments anymore.

 

They were talking about how they do not believe she is going to get married to this guy because she loves him, but because of the money that he has. Which is nonsense. But she's very insecure about it. Just the other day she was telling me how a lot of people judge her based on her situation.

 

You know how every parent at one point or other sit their kids down and tell them: "listen, you're not going to like everybody and you can't expect everybody to like you"? It sounds like this woman missed that lesson.

 

And the thing is, figuring out whether or not other people like her or talk about her shouldn't be part of your job. You're enabling her insecurities by going along with her paranoias. Not, not everyone is going to like her and yes, people will talk and judge her actions. It doesn't change anything about who she is and what she means to you as a friend.

 

If a friend of mine requested what yours did, I would refuse her request and tell her to focus on the positives in her life: she's engaged to a great man and she is a great friend (to you). Simple as that.

 

Now that you have agreed, I say lie about what happened this afternoon (who cares anyway, those coworkers are at worst just jealous) and tell her that from now on, as her friend, you will encourage her to look on the positive.

 

You're right. I do feel as though maybe i'm enabling her insecurities by letting her know when people talk about her (even though i've never said anything to her about it, I told her I would). A couple of nights ago at work, she was becoming very self concious about what other people might think of her (while she was doing something) and it got to a point where I think I actually raised my voice and said "Who cares?!??". She told me I was right, and continued doing what she was doing.

 

I completely agree with you when you say that she missed the memo about the fact that no one is always going to like her. The thing is though, she's an extremely like-able person! I really don't understand how anyone could not like her. She is one of the nicest people i've ever met. She genuinely cares about others. And when someone doesn't like her, or judges her, she takes it to heart.

 

I feel like I am betraying her in some way by posting about her business like this, but I need some outside advice.

[blueyedgrl85]

People will always gossip and have an opinion about something. Telling her what people say will only make her feel more insecure. Plus if she confronts people about it, then you will be a "snitch" and then total drama will ensue. It's time everyone learned a lesson on respect and to keep their opinions to themselves. Tell her that you cherish her friendship and support her- that it doesn't matter what ANYONE says. People talk and that is a simple fact. She shouldn't let it bring her down- she needs more confidence in herself. Try complimenting her- not just her looks, but her personality or things she is good at.

[EricaH329]

People will always gossip and have an opinion about something. Telling her what people say will only make her feel more insecure. Plus if she confronts people about it, then you will be a "snitch" and then total drama will ensue. It's time everyone learned a lesson on respect and to keep their opinions to themselves. Tell her that you cherish her friendship and support her- that it doesn't matter what ANYONE says. People talk and that is a simple fact. She shouldn't let it bring her down- she needs more confidence in herself. Try complimenting her- not just her looks, but her personality or things she is good at.

 

Oh I tell her all the time that I really care for her, and how great of a friend and person she is. She hasn't even known me for a full year yet, and she's done more for me than my own best friend of 10 years has. She really is wonderful. I just wish people would stop hating on her, and realize what kind of person she is.

 

if she's so nice and gorgeous, the guys at work are probably fluffing their bruised egos since she chose someone older and not one of them, by downgrading her value in front of each other, or something testicular like that.

 

Oh, i'm absolutely sure of it! I haven't heard one girl say anything negative about her, and yet... i've heard at least 3 or 4 guys talk crap about her. She isn't a slut or anything like that, so they really have no ammo to use except her own personal life. It's disgusting. And these are the guys that are supposed to be good friends to her. Ugh.

[blueyedgrl85]

I just wish people would stop hating on her, and realize what kind of person she is.

You sound like an awesome friend to care so much about her, but unfortunately this is out of your hands. All you can do is stand up for her if they talk about her, but you can't change other people's minds.

 

 

...so they really have no ammo to use except her own personal life. It's disgusting. And these are the guys that are supposed to be good friends to her.

If these guys are younger, then they are probably just intimidated that she is with an older guy and is "off-limits" to them.

[threebyfate]

Sounds like bad cases of sour grape nice guys. Let me guess, these guys each befriended her, hoping to get close to her, and struck out.

 

I'm glad you kind of told her off, with "who cares". She needs to stop worrying about other peoples' opinions of her. This is a manifestation of insecurities creating control issues within her.

[dreamingoftigers]

I would simply say they some of the guys sounded pretty jealous of her situation.

 

I would say it with such a tone that it would practically have to be accepted as truth. I would encourage her to feel kind of sad for them.

[D-Lish]

This. Furthermore, I'd let the other girls at work know that you don't really appreciate the gossip.

 

 

That's how I would handle it. I'd tell the gossipy people I am not comfortable hearing about it or participating in it. Otherwise you just become a go between, pretending to be a confidante, then reporting back to the other person. If you start reporting back to your friend- YOU become the person perpetuating the drama. You don't want that- it's a lose-lose situation.

 

It's best to just lay out your boundaries with these people - tell them to keep their opinions to themselves.