The darkest hour... should I go on?

[Els]

The bf and I have been through a horrible, horrible time the past two months or so ever since he left my place to go to his parents in another state after a 2 months' stay. Circumstances screwed us up, then we screwed ourselves up, and I think that was the final straw that snapped his back. He went from being the perfect guy, the kind of guy that would do anything for his girl... to, well, someone else.

 

The only thing that is keeping me in this right now is that 3 weeks after he started being like that, saying he didn't want to do this anymore, we met up IRL for a couple of days. He then went to amazingly loving and saying that he'd changed his mind, after a day or two together IRL.

 

After that, when he left again to resume med school in another country, we held on for a while, and then things started becoming increasingly bad again. We started arguing a lot, mainly about the fact that he was busy with med internship on weekdays, and he wanted to spend a lot of time on weekends with his friends. Playing online. I would have joined them if I could, but I can't. He still does spend time with me, but this is a far, far cry from the guy of before who LOVED spending time with me, as opposed to saying that he was tired of sacrificing things for the relationship, and I could either take it or leave it.

 

Another thing here, is that I have already applied for my working holiday visa in his country, scheduled to leave middle of this year. This is a once-in-a-lifetime visa for people of my country to work legitimately in his country for 6 months. Now that I have applied, I can never apply again if I choose not to go. So I can't just take a break with him now and 'see how things work out'. If I don't go, I miss my chance, forever.

 

I suspect that all of this is caused by the arguments caused by distance, because most of them would have been moot points had the distance not been there. He himself admitted that if I was there IRL, he wouldn't have much problem spending time with me instead of playing online with his friends - it's just because I'm not there and there's nothing enjoyable for us to do online that he prefers the friends. And also many of the arguments stemmed from me not being happy with his lack of affection - which he frankly sucks at verbally, but is wonderful at showing through actions and deeds IRL. We've argued so much over that that he became jaded and tired... which wouldn't have happened IRL.

 

Yet, all the above is a huge 'I think'. It may well not be the case, and I may well move there to find myself unhappy. Although there isn't much left for me at home - I'm not close to my parents and my friends have all left, the thought of going to a strange land and ending up alone there is terrifying.

[Ashbash11]

Elswyth- I am sorry that things have been so rough for you guys lately. It sounds to me like it's definitely the distance taking its toll... The way you can know is to base things on how you feel with him in real life. If things are great, then you know it's just the distance. I would say, DEFINITELY go to stay with him for the working holiday visa. Why miss that opportunity? When will you both be able to be together permanently?

[Rearden Metal]

I don't like how this sounds. He's already put you on the back burner and he's all but ended things with you (passively). If I were you, I'd cut if off and move on.

 

BUT, I'd definitely try to do the holiday work visa and visit his country. It sounds like it's a pretty awesome opportunity, one I wouldn't want to pass up.

 

Good luck, this sounds incredibly hard

[Spiritofnow]

Any relationship LDR, IRL or otherwise is about two people equally working TOGETHER to make it work, and to ensure that each of you is happy. I am not sure how you would continue to go on without feeling like your effort is at your detriment due to his lack of input. Perhaps, you need to be brave and make it clear that you cannot work on the distance issues he may be experiencing if he is unable to be a team player or nurture your relationship, and that you will have no other choice than to walk away.

 

I think if you could fulfil the travel visa commitment you may find that you will end up with a positive experience at the end of it - who knows where that open door will lead??? Go have an adventure!!!

 

I hope that helps you.

 

: )

Edited March 28, 2010 by Spiritofnow

[sweetjasmine]

I'm sorry, Elswyth. *hugs*

 

And also many of the arguments stemmed from me not being happy with his lack of affection - which he frankly sucks at verbally, but is wonderful at showing through actions and deeds IRL. We've argued so much over that that he became jaded and tired... which wouldn't have happened IRL.

 

Heh, that sounds familiar.

 

We had a pattern going where he'd start being less affectionate, and I'd try to deal with it but would eventually get to the point where I'd get upset. Then he'd get upset that I was upset. Usually there'd be some kind of resolution - even if nothing actually changed, the tension dissipated once we talked about it. But it almost always starts back up again a few weeks after a visit, and the problem is directly related to the distance.

 

Recently, I've just started to let it go. When he gets distant, I just back off. I'm not happy with it, but I'm not upset enough to fight about it, if that makes sense. I don't know if it's something that would help you or not.

 

Do you think you guys can hang in there until you leave for your work program?

[northstar1]

I don't like how this sounds. He's already put you on the back burner and he's all but ended things with you (passively). If I were you, I'd cut if off and move on.

 

BUT, I'd definitely try to do the holiday work visa and visit his country. It sounds like it's a pretty awesome opportunity, one I wouldn't want to pass up.

 

Good luck, this sounds incredibly hard

 

Agreed. This relationship is way too unstable to be healthy.

[Finissima]

I have seen your posts as you and your BF have been going through this hard time...and honestly, i think it seems like you guys had/have a good relationship overall. Maybe you are more dedicated to it now...but things like that tend to swing back and forth over the longer term, imo.

 

one of my friends gave me this advice when i was going through something similar, because she and her LD bf had gone through a similar time (the other person feeling jaded, down, not willing to give up real life to just talk on the phone/web cam, etc.)...if you are willing to be the cheerleader, keep going with it. But know that you are going to have to be the one to fight for the relationship, keep the tone of conversations light and happy, not indulge yourself in sad thoughts or anger (or at least not share that with him).

 

at that time, i couldn't take that advice...and my bf and i broke up. Yet now...we are back together and although i'm happy and thrilled...i can't help thinking how sad it was that we wasted 6 months of potential time together and potential growth on the relationship simply and only because of distance.

 

So if you are willing to be the cheerleader, as my friend puts it, and champion the relationship (which it sounds like you have been doing already, honestly)...then keep going. because if you guys love each other like it seems you do, things will come back to their more natural balance and you will be happy.

 

Take the opportunity GO ON THE WORKING HOLIDAY - it is only 6 months, and even IF things go bad when you are there...you can use the opportunity just to take some holidays yourself, or even, come back to your own country early if things are so bad. if things are good, however, it will likely cement your relationship for the long term...and wouldn't that be wonderful.

[Els]

Thanks for the help, guys. Yeah, I figure I definitely will go on the working holiday if at all possible (they haven't approved me yet). At the very least, it'll be good life experience.

 

For now, I'm just telling myself to take the relationship easy and give him a break since he's been working quite a few 16-hour days recently. That does kinda take its toll on a guy, I figure. Time will tell I suppose.

[mammax3]

Hugs elswyth! That sounds really hard!

 

I agree with finnissima, sometimes one person has to be the cheerleader. Sometimes it just takes trust and faith in the relationship to get through tough times.

 

However, when he says stuff like 'take it or leave it' that must make it hard to trust that you're both in the same space of wanting it to work. Asking repeatedly for increased intimacy/time can't lead to an increase because they're your wants, not his. Perhaps it would be good to find out what his wants are, and see where you two are on the same page and move forward from there. Maybe he doesn't know, maybe he's already expressed them, and they're not what you want. But talking with a goal to gain understanding will help.

 

And I definitely think you should still go on that amazing opportunity, if you're approved.

 

Good luck! Keep us posted!

[Mei Mei]

Dear Elswyth,

 

You have all along been very devoted to this relationship, though at times your bf are retreating by disregarding your feeling. I do hope that it is solely due to the distance sucks so that your staying together would resume a steady relationship. I really hope things work out for you.

 

My advice here is to protect yourself more and see if he could contribute more to the relationship than you do if you are staying together or closer during the half year of work time there. Nevertheless, he has shown his character as being not to sacrify for rocky love. Nevertheless, who in this world can control and guarantee a good fate to enjoy peaceful time all along?

 

Hope for the best, but still prepare for the darker side of it.