Why wont he propose after 10 years together?

[MarthaX]

I've been with my boyfriend for over 10 years now, I'm 24 and he's 25 (soon to be 25 and 26 in just a few months)

 

We do not live together, we still live at home. We are planning on getting an apartment together in the fall but don't know if I want to do that if we aren't engaged. Living together would be so wonderful though, would be able to see eachother more and have things together.

 

We went to a wedding a few weeks ago and he got a bit drunk, but was totally stable and we were talking in our hotel while in bed. I wonder how much the alcohol loosened him up. I have talked with him about marriage for so long now, this isn't a new thing.

 

But he was telling me how I was "it," I was "the one" and that he loves me. I asked him will he propose soon?

He told me after his sister's wedding which is this June.

 

Since then I've talked to him about it and he says no he won't be proposing any time soon. I'm sure he gets plenty annoyed by me asking him- I'm freaking out lately wondering why he told me he would and now is saying not any time soon.

Last night he even said "no, not until later in life."

Though he has always made it clear he -will- marry me.

 

I don't understand-- where did that night at the hotel come from? Why did he tell me those things? Was it because he was drunk?

 

I'm afraid to live with him if we aren't engaged, I wonder if he'd never propose in that case.

 

I'm going through something with this and here's what-- I'm freaking out. I never thought I'd be in this place at nearly 25, especially with a boyfriend of more than 10 years. I can't believe this is happening to me. I just keep waiting. I was sure at the 10 year mark something would happen but I guess not. Why is this happening? Does he not even love me that much? Should I not get a place with him before engagement if marriage is what I want?

Edited March 28, 2010 by MarthaX

[norajane]

Should I not get a place with him before engagement if marriage is what I want?

I wouldn't. Once you start living with him, he has even less reason to marry you. He'll already have all of you and all the benefits of having you in the house. If he's not eager to marry you at this point, living together isn't going to increase his sense of urgency for marriage.

 

More important, living together is a LOT of hard work. It may sound lovely to be with him all the time, but there is a lot of compromise that needs to happen, plus you give up all kinds of privacy. Why put in all that hard work if you're not in a marriage where you've made a commitment to build your lives together?

[LucreziaBorgia]

I don't understand-- where did that night at the hotel come from? Why did he tell me those things? Was it because he was drunk?

 

Weddings tend to do that to people, especially when mixed with alcohol.

 

My advice? If you want to marry him, do not move in with him or have children with him before you do. If you do, he will likely never marry you if he knows he can get everything that you normally get from a marriage without actually having to make it legal.

[Lauriebell82]

Alcohol tends to loosen people up, lower their inhibitions. Maybe he has been thinking about proposing and just kind of blurted that out without thinking. "Later in life" doesn't tell you much, but maybe he is just trying to throw you off to cover up his blurt out.

 

I have mixed feelings on the whole living together before engagement issue. I lived with my boyfriend for a year before he proposed. I don't think living together neccessarily hurts your chances of getting engaged/married, but I think it deters men from marriage who are shaky about it in the first place. This is important to note. If he is unsure WHEN he wants to get married then living together probably isn't the best idea.

 

You guys are still fairly young, you still have time. Yes, you have been together for 10 years but those were teenage years, not adult years. Having a relationship as teenagers is TOTALLY different then having one as adults.

 

I wouldn't threaten him with the whole "I don't want to move in with you until you propose" because that is not healthy. I would tell him you want to hold off on living together for awhile. Don't disclose the reason being that you want to be engaged first though.

[txsilkysmoothe]

My opinion is much bleaker than others and I'm sorry, but I don't think he will ever propose. He may not trust that his feelings for someone he has known since he was 15 can be "true" love. Such a long term connection provides comfort for sure, but it is an attraction that began when he was a teenager and it may not be as satisfying to the man he is today.

 

I hope it works out.

[LucreziaBorgia]

It could also be a case of him just not seeing much of a gain from it. If he proposes and marries you, what does he gain?

 

You gain a ring, a wedding, bragging rights to friends and family, getting to show off your ring, being able to call yourself his 'fiance' and eventually 'wife', and so on.

 

What does he get out of it that he doesn't already have?

 

He may just not see much of a point.

[threebyfate]

Aren't you the least bit concerned that he's never really had the opportunity to date around? I'd be worried that this might hit him, post marriage. For that matter, same goes for you. Neither one of you has had the opportunity to experience life, hence figure out what works and what doesn't.

 

Perhaps this is what's holding him back.

[ADF]

Despite the fact you and your BF have been together 10 years, the fact remains you are both quite young. Not wanting to get married at 25 is not unusual.

 

Also, consider that many men are hesitant to marry AT ALL. I have no idea if your BF is one of these men, but he could be. Many men--even men in their 30s and 40s--dread marriage. They see no advantage in it. There is nothing that a man might want--love, sex, companionship--that he needs to get married in order to have. Nothing. On the other hand, many men associate marriage with the end of their youth, see getting married as giving up their freedom, and dread financial ruin in the case of divorce. Men weigh the pros and cons of marriage, and often decide it isn't worth it.

[carhill]

OP, IMO, you should decide *your* priorities. If being married is *your* priority, and, by his talk and actions, it clearly isn't his, move on. You're young and there are plenty of marriage-minded men out there.

 

If *your* priority is being with him, accept his words and actions that marriage will not be until 'later in life' and, in essence, he will be the one to decide whether he gets married or not. Accept that and continue to enjoy your life with him, as you have for the past ten years.

 

If *your* philosophy and/or preference is to not live together unless you are engaged or married, own that. Be clear about the 'why'. I have no interest in living with someone I'm not married to and make that clear to women. Why? I will not share my long-time domicile and the domestic assets (both material and within myself) with someone who is not freely legally and socially bound to me and I her. It's not right or wrong, it's *my* choice and I bear responsibility for that choice. What's your choice?

Edited March 28, 2010 by carhill

[Full Moon]

Do NOT move in with him. Actually, you need to move away from him. It's time to do less talking and more walking. He knows marriage is what you desire and he has been dragging his feet about for 10 years! What you need to say to him is, "If you don't want to marry me after 10 years then it is best we go our separate ways. Goodbye." Then leave. Cut off all contact. Seriously, no e-mails, no phone calls, no texts, no FB, Myspace, or Twitter, no sending messages through friends/family members, no meeting up for anything, nada! He's getting all the perks without marrying you so he feels there is no need to marry you. He's thinking to himself, "If she's willing to stick around then I don't have to marry her." He is losing/has lost respect for you b/c he knows you are not standing up for yourself. And no man marries a woman he doesn't respect. Quit being desperate and walk away with your head held high. No crying. No guilt trips. No yelling. No ultimatums. No playing the victim. No begging. Act mature, be honest, and calm, and hold yourself together when you leave. It might take him a few weeks or months to come around, but if he truly loves you he will come back and give you what it is you want. If he doesn't come back, take this as a lesson learned and never allow a man to waste so much of your time again. You are worth so much more than that and it's time you start believing it. All the best!

Edited March 28, 2010 by Full Moon

[elizabeth26]

it's probably good that you haven't moved in. I'm in the same age and did move in, and am now in the process of breaking up with the guy who won't marry me. I know that it seems like you get to know someone better by living with them and in some ways you do, but I can tell you it has been a really sad waste of time in my case. It's completely your choice though, just trust your instincts and don't allow yourself to be simply convenient to him.

[MarthaX]

Thanks for the advice! I spoke with him about having this concern especially after he went though telling me all those nice things I described, and then telling me "not until later in life."

 

He claims "later in life" is whenever, I even asked him "this summer?", he said something like that's considered "later in life," like saying any time is.

I asked him about it, saying "ok when will we?" and that I really want to know, and he still wouldn't say when and said he didn't know if it would be this summer, saying "I don't know" in a "maybe" tone of voice.

He said "we've been together for (this long, or a long time,) and that it's obviously going to happen."

He said if it were this summer it would be a long engagement, like just over 2 years or something.

 

Should I just drop it for now and see what happens this summer? We planned to get a place in the fall, I actually feel weird lately with the thought of us not being engaged and looking to buy all this furniture and living together... I didn't tell him I wanted to be engaged before living together in this past conversation with him but I've certainly said it clearly to him.

Edited April 1, 2010 by MarthaX

[carhill]

'I'll be happy for us to live together once we're engaged and the wedding date is set'

 

To me, this is balance for 'He said "we've been together for (this long, or a long time,) and that it's obviously going to happen."

He said if it were this summer it would be a long engagement, like just over 2 years or something.'

 

Balance. Always remember balance

[boogieboy]

He will keep saying what he has to to keep you quiet. And you making noise isnt going to make him want to marry you, it will push him further away. You guys cant get married now, youre too young, you dated all through your learning years, and you both arent even individually independent yet. All the recipies for disaster.

 

You both need to date around. If he knows he doesnt want to marry you now (besides how expensive marriage is) it can only mean that he will resent you if he marries you via shotgun. Break it off now, and date around, he already knows that he doesnt want you to be his be all and end all, and you will see clearer after a breakup that you arent meant for one another.

 

or you can learn all this the hard way, move in with him, he puts off marriage forever, and you leave him anyway.

[Sevenscars]

He can say anything he wants. Hell, this guy can say that he will marry you tomorrow and you shouldn't believe it until the moment he proposes. By saying that he WILL marry you in the future, he's keeping you on a leash so you won't go anywhere until the day comes when he decides he wants to marry you or not. It's actions that speak, not words.

 

If you think the issue might be that neither of you have dated around previously, then you're going to need years apart to decide whether it's right or not. That's just the way it is. But after 10 years, if he's still unsure, then chances are he'll continue to be unsure for another 10 years, and then 10 years after that, and on, and on...

[Lauriebell82]

He can say anything he wants. Hell, this guy can say that he will marry you tomorrow and you shouldn't believe it until the moment he proposes. By saying that he WILL marry you in the future, he's keeping you on a leash so you won't go anywhere until the day comes when he decides he wants to marry you or not. It's actions that speak, not words.

 

Okay, but IMO if it's the RIGHT guy then it is totally worth the wait.

 

Basically he is saying to you exactly what fiance said to me in the years before he proposed. He's saying it's going to happen but he's not ready yet. You guys ARE still young, my fiance did not propose until he was 27, we first got together when he was 24. So it took him several years to even get ready to marry.

 

The good thing is that he's not telling you he DOESN'T want to marry at all. That could be worse. DO NOT use getting engaged as a bargaining chip for living together. If you want to wait until you get engaged to move in together then do not make plans to do so until that happens. Don't use it as manipulation or some ploy. You don't even have to say flat out that you don't want to live together UNTIL engagement, just say you'd like to wait awhile.