Am I controlling with money?

[preyedon]

I need some other's mature advice.

First, I love my wife and want to make it work. I'll be honest, but every story has two sides.

 

Both of us were divorced with children when we met. We lived together and later married. Before marrying, I asked about money and she said that we were both good with money and should keep our own checkbooks and divide the bills. We both had good jobs. The only problems were our very different ways of raising the children. Hers lived with us and one of mine was a teen and the other came on weekends. Maybe, I'll ask for opinions on these issues later.

 

Money issue history.... shortly after marrying we decided to have a child together and she was to stop working until kindergarten. I paid off her student loan and what little she had left on her car. At first grade she started back. She took care of everything at home while I worked two jobs. I thought that she spent too much money and shopped too much and the fighting began.

I paid for everything except the groceries and $45 water bill. Against my will, I put her on my checking account and the deal was that she took out $500 every 2 weeks (actually, 26 times per year). Additionally, I always got $8K to $12K income tax returns that she put in her own checking account that I had no access to or clue how much there was. Basically, I paid for almost everything and she had at least $2000 per month for groceries, her gas and the $45 water bill.

She began writting more and more checks and constantly using the ATM card. It was very frustrating keeping up with the balance of the check book. I got angry when she would write checks over $100 close to payday or not tell me. I still do not know where all of that money went, but suspect that it was used on her children who are instant-gratification generation and lived better than I did / do. She also accumulated largte credit card bills that I paid off about once a year.

Now, she is back at work and makes almost $1800 per month and I still pay for everything from my paycheck except groceries and water because I make a lot more. I do not ask about her pay and spending and consider it hers. That isn't good enough. She wants access to my pay that I use for bills, savings and investment. She does not take money from my account because I got a new solo account after losing my checkbook (this was also due to the fact that several times in a fight she went to the bank and emptied the account. She usually put it back afterwards but used it twice to pay her credit card off.

Now, she is angry that I will not put her back on my account and says that she doesn't want to have sex.

There are some trust issues....she threatens me with humiliation at both work places, has often got angry and took all cash and bank money. She has lied to me about money. A couple years ago her son and had a deal that if he would be more mature, control his spending his entire paycheck within days, and stop getting tickets and wrecks I'd help him get a nice vehicle when he had a steady job. She knew the deal and watched us shake hands. Two weeks later, while I was working out of town, she electronically signed my name on our tax return for over $8000 and tied it up to back a loan that he could not afford on a vehicle. He could not afford full coverage and soon totaled the vehicle.

Once, she had a new ring and said that her mother bought it for her. Later, I bought a $300 gun and told her, she gave me hell until I found a reciept showing that she charged the ring on a credit card and lied to me. She has also lied to me about expensive gifts and cash / loans to her children. Sadly, we fight over raising children too. Her 22 yr daughter has terrible credit and her son was getting up to 7 NSF notices from the bank per week. I cannot live like this. This morning, after another money / no sex argument, I found 5 very recent overdraft notices that my wife had hid from me from her checking account. In the fall she wanted a new SUV, we fought because I said that it would be something to look forward to when she went back to work. She complains that we have an ATV, small boat and recreational property and investment.

Am I a dictator controlling prick for not living life for the minute with an instant gratification attitude?

Within the last few weeks, and her working while I pay for everything (I do make more) I gave her $200 for her planned vacation when we had it left over the day before my payday, I paid her $400 car insurance from our savings (kept in my account) and gave her $300 that I had won.

She pays a gym trainner $250 per month since last summer and counters that I buy cigarettes and beer.

 

Any advice? I know that I'm anal with saving and perhaps frugal with my paycheck, but that is why we have stuff that is mutual and beneficial to the entire family. I do not pamper myself or spend a lot on myself. I think that paying for almost everything and her doing as she pleases with her pay is generous. Am I missing the boat here?

[SincereOnlineGuy]

This woman is walking all over you!

 

Get out while you can minimize the fallout from your foolish union.

 

 

Her own children and their habits are reason enough for you to flee the relationship based on the fact that the woman you married is massively irresponsible.

 

It is bad enough that she might live this way (may as well be a drug addict for this analogy) but her having raised "her" children to grow up and have the same (addiction) just shows the rest of us that you are mighty foolish for being in this relationship to begin with.

 

At any rate, this offering is great inspiration for people who believe that you can tell everything about a potential spouse with just a romantic look in their eyes when you want to get it on.

 

People are wondering how the world economy reached the nearly disasterous level it is at in the present. They blame the government regulators and big business, but the real culprit is the woman that this poster married (and others like her)!!!

 

 

(*** at least this poster's moniker here is right in the bullseye)

[SarahRose]

Get some marital counseling.

[mem11363]

You allow this level of disrespect? Amazing.

 

Tell you what - I worked for 18 years and wife was a SAHM - and she had 100 percent access to all of OUR money. Still we had an agreement that we would discuss anything over $100 than it became 200 and eventually 300 dollars as my income grew. And she respected that agreement. If she had pulled ANY of the crap you are talking about I would have put in place a cash system. Your wife feels entitled to do whatever she wants - and refusing sex unless you let her keep steamrolling you financially - be careful or you will end up celibate AND broke.

 

 

 

 

I need some other's mature advice.

First, I love my wife and want to make it work. I'll be honest, but every story has two sides.

 

Both of us were divorced with children when we met. We lived together and later married. Before marrying, I asked about money and she said that we were both good with money and should keep our own checkbooks and divide the bills. We both had good jobs. The only problems were our very different ways of raising the children. Hers lived with us and one of mine was a teen and the other came on weekends. Maybe, I'll ask for opinions on these issues later.

 

Money issue history.... shortly after marrying we decided to have a child together and she was to stop working until kindergarten. I paid off her student loan and what little she had left on her car. At first grade she started back. She took care of everything at home while I worked two jobs. I thought that she spent too much money and shopped too much and the fighting began.

I paid for everything except the groceries and $45 water bill. Against my will, I put her on my checking account and the deal was that she took out $500 every 2 weeks (actually, 26 times per year). Additionally, I always got $8K to $12K income tax returns that she put in her own checking account that I had no access to or clue how much there was. Basically, I paid for almost everything and she had at least $2000 per month for groceries, her gas and the $45 water bill.

She began writting more and more checks and constantly using the ATM card. It was very frustrating keeping up with the balance of the check book. I got angry when she would write checks over $100 close to payday or not tell me. I still do not know where all of that money went, but suspect that it was used on her children who are instant-gratification generation and lived better than I did / do. She also accumulated largte credit card bills that I paid off about once a year.

Now, she is back at work and makes almost $1800 per month and I still pay for everything from my paycheck except groceries and water because I make a lot more. I do not ask about her pay and spending and consider it hers. That isn't good enough. She wants access to my pay that I use for bills, savings and investment. She does not take money from my account because I got a new solo account after losing my checkbook (this was also due to the fact that several times in a fight she went to the bank and emptied the account. She usually put it back afterwards but used it twice to pay her credit card off.

Now, she is angry that I will not put her back on my account and says that she doesn't want to have sex.

There are some trust issues....she threatens me with humiliation at both work places, has often got angry and took all cash and bank money. She has lied to me about money. A couple years ago her son and had a deal that if he would be more mature, control his spending his entire paycheck within days, and stop getting tickets and wrecks I'd help him get a nice vehicle when he had a steady job. She knew the deal and watched us shake hands. Two weeks later, while I was working out of town, she electronically signed my name on our tax return for over $8000 and tied it up to back a loan that he could not afford on a vehicle. He could not afford full coverage and soon totaled the vehicle.

Once, she had a new ring and said that her mother bought it for her. Later, I bought a $300 gun and told her, she gave me hell until I found a reciept showing that she charged the ring on a credit card and lied to me. She has also lied to me about expensive gifts and cash / loans to her children. Sadly, we fight over raising children too. Her 22 yr daughter has terrible credit and her son was getting up to 7 NSF notices from the bank per week. I cannot live like this. This morning, after another money / no sex argument, I found 5 very recent overdraft notices that my wife had hid from me from her checking account. In the fall she wanted a new SUV, we fought because I said that it would be something to look forward to when she went back to work. She complains that we have an ATV, small boat and recreational property and investment.

Am I a dictator controlling prick for not living life for the minute with an instant gratification attitude?

Within the last few weeks, and her working while I pay for everything (I do make more) I gave her $200 for her planned vacation when we had it left over the day before my payday, I paid her $400 car insurance from our savings (kept in my account) and gave her $300 that I had won.

She pays a gym trainner $250 per month since last summer and counters that I buy cigarettes and beer.

 

Any advice? I know that I'm anal with saving and perhaps frugal with my paycheck, but that is why we have stuff that is mutual and beneficial to the entire family. I do not pamper myself or spend a lot on myself. I think that paying for almost everything and her doing as she pleases with her pay is generous. Am I missing the boat here?

[sally4sara]

There are several statements you've made that would lead me to believe you are controlling with money but in a way I think is prudent. You are also not tight fisted; you're deal with the son about the car and that you cover most expenses shows that.

 

But my opinion is an indication that we have like minded attitudes about money. I cannot tell what started the rift between you and your wife. It could be that when she didn't work, she felt small over having to ask, as a child would, and it caused a hoarding reaction within her. Maybe, SHE perceived a witholding of funds from you and felt powerless. Maybe feeling that way caused her to begin to pack money away behind your back so the next time she felt you had all the power, she had back up funds to avoid the helpless feeling.

It is hard to say. I agree that counseling would be a good idea so that the two of you could get your perspectives on the table with an unbiased person mediating.

[Eve]

Sounds like you are supporting a very fickle lifestyle rather than being a partner in a marriage. This works for many people though.

 

Decide what you want.

 

It seems the more you struggle the more this 'marraige' crumbles. Personally I would let it crumble and start again.

 

If there is anything to salvage it will become apparent during this process but I dont think you can fix this until you get absolute control of your finances back.

 

Take care,

Eve xx

[Enema]

I agree with the other posters. I'm amazed you have allowed this to continue, but I realize it started small and became a slippery slope.

 

She's now so entrenched in this method of operation and her own entitlement issues that you'll have to do something big to break through to her. I don't think simply cutting her out financially is going to help as she seems very comfortable withholding affection as punishment. She needs counselling.

[allina]

What your wife is doing is absolutely wrong, unfair and dishonest! She is taking advantage of you, stealing your money when you fight and threatening you with humiliation, and you're the one asking if you're too controlling with money?! If I were you I would do everything possible to protest myself and my money from her. I'm honestly shocked that you aren't seeing huge red flags in this marriage.

[preyedon]

I'm the man who found this forum and first posted this first post this morning "Am I controlling with our money? ".

 

Many of you suggested counseling….we have tried that. Counselors try to lead couples to conclusions. However, when one person doesn’t seem to get it, a counselor will not say “you are wrong”. Example: I’m always put last….a few years ago on Christmas day I stayed on the phone for hours getting airline tickets with some mileage and mostly cash. We were divided up in the plane with one person in coach and her, our toddler and her teenage son a couple rows away in first class. After working for hours to get the tickets, then paying myself from two jobs, solely supporting the family, while being an adult and parent, she put her 16 or 17 year old son in first and gave me the coach ticket. I’m punked like that weekly. The counselor tried, but would not just say that it was screwed up. My wife still thinks that it was ok, and I’m hurt over nothing.

I don’t mind supporting the family, but how about some love and respect. I never complained about supporting everyone ($1000 to my ex for support, and my now wife and her two kids who never got a single penny from their dad). She slept with our child for 5 years, her kids missed the school bus several times weekly. Her now 20 son has stolen a lot from both of us. I caught her outside talking to him about stealing and using her credit card, he stole my large jar with about $200 and she tried for a year to convince me that my friend did it while working in our home, she swore he did not do it, even after I caught him doing it again and now he admitted to both times. I was putting a new starter in his vehicle last week in the garage and he went through the front door and snuck off on me. Then I found drugs in the vehicle, after I got him a $3000 per month job that requires random drug testing, and he just got a random test. My wife and I fought 2 days before because I refused to help him get his 4 vehicle. He may not even have a job soon. $3000 a month and lives hotel style in our home and she won’t make him pay rent. He misused a trusting girl’s credit card for $2800, which nearly caused divorce when I threw him out because until it was proven, she was a “lying little whore”, and I’m a bastard with unsatisfying body parts.

 

I have worked around nearly all men my whole life, but am sure this crap isn’t normal and some woman would like and respect me without all of this drama. She actually subconsciously fought me in trying to raise her son properly and hold him accountable for his actions with consequences. Now, we are reaping what she sowed. It is heartbreaking to know that the way things are now, our child together will grow up with none of my values. I’m already often admonished in front of him for correcting his disrespectful behavior that I find so difficult to be around.

[Eve]

Yes, a lot of repeated horrid behaviour there from the wife. The son sounds utterly spoiled too but all of this is acceptable to some who live very socially defined relationships due to being high earners.

 

Unfortunately, this may be it for you.

 

How does it feel to acknowledge that?

 

If you could change anything what would it be?

 

I hear what you are saying about your son but as the saying goes, 'the apple doesnt fall far from the tree'. Unless your son happens to just be wired differently, this too is going to be his lifestyle.

 

If you were getting sex, would things be different?

 

Overall, I think that having the potential to earn lots of money probably attracted your wife to you. Maybe you liked how this felt too? So, although I would disagree that you are tight with money, you have been lax within defining how you want to be treated.

 

I think deep down you know what you have to do but probably feel trapped.

 

I think you should work step by step on trying to untrap yourself but I am highly idealistic.

 

Significantly, looking at some of the figures you have mentioned, I think your finances can still stretch to securing an environment of your own for the time being.

 

If you are serious about being sick of all this, firstly open a new account and stop your wages going into the former account. Allow enough to cover a fair share of the bills and idk, go on holiday somehere for a bit to decide what you want to do. Break the chain. Shake things up.

 

Dont hide what you are going through to those who are close either. I mean , like friends and family. Support is key.

 

Maybe its time now for you?

 

Let go off all the stories and concentrate on the essence of what this relationship says about you and to you.

 

.. Unless of course you like the fact that money has bought you a wife and family and you cannot realistically do any better than this.

 

Take care,

Eve xx

[SarahRose]

Just cut her off completely

[SincereOnlineGuy]

I'm the man who found this forum and first posted this first post this morning "Am I controlling with our money? ".

 

Many of you suggested counseling….we have tried that. Counselors try to lead couples to conclusions. However, when one person doesn’t seem to get it, a counselor will not say “you are wrong”. Example: I’m always put last….a few years ago on Christmas day I stayed on the phone for hours getting airline tickets with some mileage and mostly cash. We were divided up in the plane with one person in coach and her, our toddler and her teenage son a couple rows away in first class. After working for hours to get the tickets, then paying myself from two jobs, solely supporting the family, while being an adult and parent, she put her 16 or 17 year old son in first and gave me the coach ticket. I’m punked like that weekly. The counselor tried, but would not just say that it was screwed up. My wife still thinks that it was ok, and I’m hurt over nothing.

 

I don’t mind supporting the family, but how about some love and respect. I never complained about supporting everyone ($1000 to my ex for support, and my now wife and her two kids who never got a single penny from their dad). She slept with our child for 5 years, her kids missed the school bus several times weekly. Her now 20 son has stolen a lot from both of us. I caught her outside talking to him about stealing and using her credit card, he stole my large jar with about $200 and she tried for a year to convince me that my friend did it while working in our home, she swore he did not do it, even after I caught him doing it again and now he admitted to both times. I was putting a new starter in his vehicle last week in the garage and he went through the front door and snuck off on me. Then I found drugs in the vehicle, after I got him a $3000 per month job that requires random drug testing, and he just got a random test. My wife and I fought 2 days before because I refused to help him get his 4 vehicle. He may not even have a job soon. $3000 a month and lives hotel style in our home and she won’t make him pay rent. He misused a trusting girl’s credit card for $2800, which nearly caused divorce when I threw him out because until it was proven, she was a “lying little whore”, and I’m a bastard with unsatisfying body parts.

 

I have worked around nearly all men my whole life, but am sure this crap isn’t normal and some woman would like and respect me without all of this drama. She actually subconsciously fought me in trying to raise her son properly and hold him accountable for his actions with consequences. Now, we are reaping what she sowed. It is heartbreaking to know that the way things are now, our child together will grow up with none of my values. I’m already often admonished in front of him for correcting his disrespectful behavior that I find so difficult to be around.

 

 

 

Hello ??????

 

 

YOU are the person who "doesn't seem to get it" in this case.

 

This woman is basically a prostitute.

 

Indeed you were in it together, for a time, until your wife excused herself from your relationship.

 

Once she did that to an extent which anyone could identify as such, beyond that point it became you alone who was in the wrong for continuing to be her victim.

 

This is the exact same logic that applies to a woman who is physically abused within her relationship. At first such offense, she should just leave immediately without looking back. Those who remain in the abusive environs are only doing a great disservice to everyone else in not demanding certain behavioral standards from abusive people like your wife.

 

On behalf of society, thanks for nothing.

 

 

The only sensible conclusion for you is "D.T.M.F.A.!!!!!"

[Happytobe]

Tell you the truth, I am a little surprised by all the negative comments about your wife. I am not saying that she is without fault, but I would offer an alternative view of things.

 

Firstly, you are married, and so your income is her income, and her income is your income legally. This may not be how it is working right now, but this is legally what is fact.

 

When you took over as being the breadwinner in the family, I would suggest that she lost reality about how it takes work to make money. You became her ATM. Basically you were her candy store, and it took little effort to get "free" candy. Kids do not like having their candy supply threatened. Lastly, having you as sole breadwinner, sort of took away her financial control of the relationship, and this may have triggered spending in an attempt to reexert "control."Even when she went back to work, you are still her reserve ATM.

 

My humble suggestion would be to accept that your finances are shared. Agree that her income and your income are pooled each month into a family income. In order to make you comfortable, you should produce your list of expenses/savings that you believe need to be paid each month to allow you to sleep each night. She should also produce a list of expenses/savings she feels is necessary each month. Lastly hopefully there will be some extra each month to be divided each month equally. Making such a list and discussing it will force her to defend what is reasonable. You both then will need to agree to stick to their own proposed budget unless discussed in advance.

 

Good luck