would you or wouldnt you?

[awkward]

NC is for you to heal. It has nothing to do with him. It isn't forever. It takes as long as it takes for you to heal and get to a better place.

 

NC doesn't really work when you still have contact, his emails.

 

If you are still hurting then I suggest true no contact (change email address or block his emails). If all is good, then email and let him know to contact you after he is divorced. The worst that can happen is you get back on the roller coaster. If you are okay with that then do it. But I would do as someone else suggested and re-read your earlier threads about MM first before you decide.

[Heather1]

JJ....I'm only saying it because their situations have changed. In my situation, yeah no thanks on the same 'ol, same 'ol. I've done it enough times to see it doesn't change. If OM & I were in the situation MBEG is now (& I relate a lot to her, but OM & I are still married) I'd revisit to see if under new circumstances the R would survive. That's just me though, I'm a huge risk taker, buti know when to fold 'em (another thread).

[JustJoe]

That's my point, Heather. MBEG'S MM is still married, and has a history of lying. Until he has proven by actions (divorce), NC will protect MBEG better than anything else.

[White Flower]

Heather and WF, You KNOW it doesn't work like that!! One e-mail leads to another, which leads to a meeting, which leads to bed, which leads to having to do the whole NC thing, all over again. F**k no!! MBEG, try this mantra......NC, until free!!

Cute mantra.

 

The only thing wrong with your post is that MBEG IS ignoring all his emails already. Answering one with one statement doesn't neccessarily mean she'll end up in bed with him.

[JustJoe]

WF, it only takes 1 germ to start an infection.

[Heather1]

JJ...sadly, all of us that are M turned into liars

 

MBEG is confused & hurt enough to not jump into bed with OM. One reply & he'll know he has to work his butt off to get her. No way on the sex!! Women have a little more control in this area than men:). No offense.

[JustJoe]

But Heather, not all women have control. I'f I answered even one of her (MW)'s e-mails or calls, she would be on my doorstep, in 20 minutes, with a pillow in one hand and a dozen condoms in the other. So for me, I CANNOT ALLOW, any communication, or it starts all over again.

[Fallen Angel]

But Heather, not all women have control. I'f I answered even one of her (MW)'s e-mails or calls, she would be on my doorstep, in 20 minutes, with a pillow in one hand and a dozen condoms in the other. So for me, I CANNOT ALLOW, any communication, or it starts all over again.

 

But there is a difference between what you want, and what MBEG wants. You want the relationship over. You want to cut your losses and get out. MBEG wants a relationship with a man who appears to be working towards that goal as well.

[JustJoe]

FA, I know tha MBEG'S wants and mine are different, but the song remains the same. He is still married, he lies, and cannot be trusted. When he is divorced, he will have at least shown one true thing. Right now MBEG is HOPING. In the face of all that deception, hope isn't enough to open communications. She should have proof of something, or her situation will not have changed, at all. IMO

[Heather1]

A dozen? Wow! Why are you in NC again? Just kidding.

 

Sorry for the aside....

[JustJoe]

Heather, I 'm OK with joking, but it is a HUGE problem for me. I'm by no means God's gift to women, but I am her heroin, and she's mine. When we are together, there is nobody else in the world. She left a message on my answering machine, crying, this morning.IDK what to do, except hope she gets better.

[Heather1]

I can relate. MBEG broke the addiction part, now maybe they'll fnd their reality.

[Owl]

I'd suggest that you stay NC...AND...stop reading his emails. Wait until your OWN divorce is final before even considering reading his emails again. Focus on resolving your own situation...ignore MM and let him focus on resolving his.

 

If you decide to see where he's at once your own D is final...that's cool. Just be ready to break and run if you find that MM is still married.

 

But staying NC for now...until you're clear...gives him time to do the same. Gives you both a chance to grieve and heal, as others have said.

 

Focus on ending your marriage, and getting yourself established as an individual again, instead of a partner.

 

THEN see where things may lead with MM...or someone else at that point, if that's what you end up choosing.

 

AND STOP READING HIS EMAILS...reading his emails keeps YOU from moving forward, keeps YOU from focusing on your own situation and resolving that.

 

Hope that gives you some things to consider...

[mybrowneyedgirl]

thanks owl.

 

I guess there are some things that I'm sure (or not so sure about). Reasons why I'm not just jumping in with both feet

 

1. i still am unsure about MY marriage. if i could find any sort of way to make it work with my H I would. And so now I'M the one who doesnt want to lead HIM on. i would pick my H 1000% over this man if I had the option.

 

2. i dont have the trust for him that I once did. it would take work. I do love xMM. I do miss him. But at this point I dont believe a word he says. Knowing where I am in my marriage and what a confusing process it is, I would bet its the same on his end.

 

3. BUT...(theres always a but). I do think I might tell him simply and clearly. I would welcome a chance to get to know him again, but only AFTER these other two issues are completely resolved. He says in his email that his marriage is over that there is NC and no room to question it. I just cant say the same for mine.

 

I just dont want him to take my not responding as meaning i hate him or i wouldnt consider it at all. But then again i dont want him to get false hope or for it to lead into starting things up again.

 

A very very confusing situation. For right now I'm keeping NC and still thinking on it.

[Owl]

OK, so here's where I'm confused. Please, PLEASE do not take this as a personal attack...

 

If you're 1000% sure that you'd go with your H (if that's an option)...why would you still consider going with MM/OM as your fallback plan since it appears that your marriage may not recover?

 

Why not instead focus on MBEG for a while when your marriage ends, rather than jump into a relationship with your 'second choice'?

 

Why rush into ANY relationship right away?

 

Why not focus on being happy with yourself first?

[Untouchable_Fire]

thanks owl.

I guess there are some things that I'm sure (or not so sure about). Reasons why I'm not just jumping in with both feet

1. i still am unsure about MY marriage. if i could find any sort of way to make it work with my H I would. And so now I'M the one who doesnt want to lead HIM on. i would pick my H 1000% over this man if I had the option.

 

If your really 1000% sure that it's your husband you want... why are you still reading Dbags emails?

 

Are you sure that you are not just addicted to wanting what you can't have? I've seen many good people fall prey to that type of emotional thinking.

 

 

2. i dont have the trust for him that I once did. it would take work. I do love xMM. I do miss him. But at this point I dont believe a word he says. Knowing where I am in my marriage and what a confusing process it is, I would bet its the same on his end.

 

They guy was cheating on his wife with you... that should have been a tipoff that he isn't trustworthy. Even worse the guy used his title and position to woo you.

 

Ever hear the saying... "If he can cheat with you, he can cheat on you"...?

 

I think this guy is probably wired very differently from you. Assuming that given the same situation his emotions would be similar to yours might be very incorrect.

 

3. BUT...(theres always a but). I do think I might tell him simply and clearly. I would welcome a chance to get to know him again, but only AFTER these other two issues are completely resolved. He says in his email that his marriage is over that there is NC and no room to question it. I just cant say the same for mine.

 

If you want your husband, give that a chance to end first! Stop trying to play both men. It is counterproductive.

 

I just dont want him to take my not responding as meaning i hate him or i wouldnt consider it at all. But then again i dont want him to get false hope or for it to lead into starting things up again.

A very very confusing situation. For right now I'm keeping NC and still thinking on it.

 

Your still trying to hang onto both men. I might be totally wrong, but I think that is the reason your H is done with you. I can tell when a woman is trying to do this... it's actually really easy.

 

I understand that this whole thing is confusing, but when you cut through all the garbage it's really simple. You pick one guy and put 1000% of your effort into that relationship.

 

Personally, I think you should stop trying to cling to either guy. One was not what you wanted, and the other isn't a healthy option. There are like 3 billion other men out there... don't be afraid to give one of them a shot.

[Heather1]

I hadn't realized you still wanted to be with your H.

 

If you're not ready to block his emails, put them in a folder through your server. I check my emails all the time, but the folder I check only once a day.

 

You need more time alone to make any decisions. You can't have both anymore.

[whichwayisup]

1. i still am unsure about MY marriage. if i could find any sort of way to make it work with my H I would. And so now I'M the one who doesnt want to lead HIM on. i would pick my H 1000% over this man if I had the option.

 

You had that option already and your H gave you chance after chance after chance. You remained in contact with MM, all the meanwhile trying to fix your marriage. Hate to say it, but times up.

 

Stop focussing and worrying what MM thinks or feels. He certainly isn't worrying about you. Go about your own life, and let yourself heal. It's time.

[whichwayisup]

The only thing wrong with your post is that MBEG IS ignoring all his emails already.

 

Yet she still reads them. BLOCKING him would be better, wouldn't it?

 

She just isn't answering him, that's not enough if she truly wants to give her marriage another chance, to try to reconnect with her H.

 

Question really is, does her H want to give it one more go?

[OWoman]

MBEG, while you still have both men as an option, this is not going to get any easier. All you have done is shuffle which guy is first option, and which is fall-back. You are unwilling to walk away from EITHER while you still worry that the one you choose might not choose you. That is not choosing. That is accepting being chosen (or not).

 

If you had chosen, you'd be going hell for leather for the one you wanted, and having nothing further to do with the one you'd cast off.

 

The sad thing is, whichever man (if either) you do land up with may not be choosing you, either. They, like you, might be going along with their own Plan B because Plan A didn't work out for them as they wanted, either.

 

Are you willing to be someone else's compromise? Are you willing - prepared - to invest everything you have, everything you are - in a future with someone who's not sure he wants to be with you, who's settling because you're what's available to him? Or will you - as he may - going to invest just enough to make it seem like you're buying in, while you keep your options open in case something better comes along?

 

This all sounds very high risk to me. I'm struggling to see happiness at the end of this rainbow

[ADF]

I wonder if your MM will actually get divorced. I suppose he might. But in a surprising number of cases like yours, the MM ends up ditching the OW and staying with his wife. Not because he cares for the wife more than the OW, but because staying with her is so much easier. Divorce is always a trauma and can lead to financial ruin. Ditching the OW is comparatively easy and painless. I guess you'll see.

[Got it]

thanks owl.

 

I guess there are some things that I'm sure (or not so sure about). Reasons why I'm not just jumping in with both feet

 

1. i still am unsure about MY marriage. if i could find any sort of way to make it work with my H I would. And so now I'M the one who doesnt want to lead HIM on. i would pick my H 1000% over this man if I had the option.

 

2. i dont have the trust for him that I once did. it would take work. I do love xMM. I do miss him. But at this point I dont believe a word he says. Knowing where I am in my marriage and what a confusing process it is, I would bet its the same on his end.

 

3. BUT...(theres always a but). I do think I might tell him simply and clearly. I would welcome a chance to get to know him again, but only AFTER these other two issues are completely resolved. He says in his email that his marriage is over that there is NC and no room to question it. I just cant say the same for mine.

 

I just dont want him to take my not responding as meaning i hate him or i wouldnt consider it at all. But then again i dont want him to get false hope or for it to lead into starting things up again.

 

A very very confusing situation. For right now I'm keeping NC and still thinking on it.

 

Then you have your answer. If you want to pursue things with your husband than do so. But either way commit 100%. Your marriage needs to continue or end based on its merits and not another person.

 

If you feel you need to send him an email acknowledging his emails but telling him you are needing to be n/c then do so. But do not string one individual on as a consolation prize. Either you want one of them or not. If you want neither than let them both go.

 

Good luck to you.

[torranceshipman]

I agree with jj. The point of NC according to the masses here is to give both parties time to "clear the fog" and make up their minds about what they want. At least on his part, he appears to have done that, and it appears he wants you. i see no reason not to let him know that you are still an option provided he continues on the path he is now on.

 

I spoke with My Sweetheart about my veiws on NC, and he said that if I asked him not to contact me til he had made up his mind, and then he made up his mind and contcted me, only to recieve no response, he would assume I had moved on, and he would respect that choice and quit trying to contact me.

 

I think if you want to continue in a relationship with this man, continuing NC at this point is counter-productive. You may NC yourself out of the relationship altogether. I think you should take things very slowly, and certainly do not jump back into a relationship with him with both feet, but I see nothing wrong with a note that says, "Glad to see we are both heading in the same direction, hope to meet you there when we are done walking the paths me must walk alone. Look forward to holding your hand again when our paths meet so that we can walk to the final destination together. Keep on that path, and if you get there before I do, don't give up on me..."

 

Good Luck hun!!!

 

But we all know that what an MM says and what he actually does are two different things in many cases. Unless you are prepared to be an OW forever, you'll likely be involved in an NC scenario and I think that you might be surprised at a lot of things he ends up doing...

[Owl]

In the weeks after d-day, when my wife was trying to decide if she was going to work on rebuilding our marriage or leave me for OM, my wife went shopping one day and came across a handpainted sign at a craft store she was in.

 

She called me while she was standing in front of it, looking at it...and crying.

 

It said ""Wherever you go, go with all your heart.” -Confucius".

 

She called me crying at the time, because that's what she was trying to do...and she realized at that moment that she wouldn't have been able to go to OM "with all of her heart".

 

She realized that she COULD see herself staying with me "with all of her heart".

 

It was a deciding moment for her.

 

My advice to you MBEG is the same as what Confucius said..."Wherever you go, go with all your heart.”

 

You need to invest all of your heart into one of these two men (or neither)...so you need to decide where ALL of your heart can go.

[BB07]

In the weeks after d-day, when my wife was trying to decide if she was going to work on rebuilding our marriage or leave me for OM, my wife went shopping one day and came across a handpainted sign at a craft store she was in.

 

She called me while she was standing in front of it, looking at it...and crying.

 

It said ""Wherever you go, go with all your heart.” -Confucius".

 

She called me crying at the time, because that's what she was trying to do...and she realized at that moment that she wouldn't have been able to go to OM "with all of her heart".

 

She realized that she COULD see herself staying with me "with all of her heart".

 

It was a deciding moment for her.

 

My advice to you MBEG is the same as what Confucius said..."Wherever you go, go with all your heart.”

 

You need to invest all of your heart into one of these two men (or neither)...so you need to decide where ALL of your heart can go.

 

Loved your post and the sign......words to live by in all aspects of life. Anything less than all your heart is deceiving ourselves. It's tricky trying to reconcile the heart and the head at times, but if your heart isn't all in your marriage MBEG, then it just won't work.

 

I may be wrong but it sounds like the SMM is available to you now, but you aren't sure what you want and you are confused about your feelings for your H. To be fair and honorable to everyone, you shouldn't start something up with SMM until you've made up your mind.

 

Situations like this are never clear and there probably isn't going to be some big defining moment when it all becomes clear to you. Whatever you do....it's a chance, and it's kinda like going skydiving, it's risky. There isn't anyway around the risk no matter what you choose to do.