Wife pregnant but thinking we should separate - any thoughts?

[alanwr]

Hey Guys,

 

New to this forum and I'm in a bit of mental anguish and don't really have anyone to talk to about this, so thought I could maybe ask for some advice from a bunch of strangers

 

Long story short - been in a relationship with my wife for 7 years, and married for almost 3. We've always had a pretty tumultuous relationship with regard to fighting (nothing violent), but things can often get pretty nasty, verbally. I don't think I'm being biased when I say that the things she says to me are far worse that what I say (I'm no saint, but she can be especially nasty e.g I just sat through a tirade of "I hate you", "Burn in hell", "Wish you were dead", "You're like a disease" (that was a new one to me!).

 

Point is, I don't know if she's justified in these outburst. I don't know if its my fault we fight and am I a complete A-hole as she says. I feel I'm a pretty decent guy, and although I'm a looooong way from perfect, I don't feel I deserve to feel that I'm constantly doing things wrong and end up getting yelled at.

 

Anyway, been unhappy for a long time (and I know she is too). Recently she became pregnant and now I'm worried about a child growing up in this poisonous atmosphere. I've asked her to go to counseling but she wont go. I would certainly want to remain an active part of her and the baby's life and would offer financial support to the best of my abilities. I just don't want to be in a relationship with someone who thinks I'm "a disease".

 

Anyone have any thoughts on my situation?

 

By the way - we're both in our mid-30s.

 

Thanks

[tojaz]

Welcome to LS Alan. You say your relationship was Tumultuous like it is a regular accepted part of your relationship. That scares me.

 

You ask if her outbursts are justified, yet you didn't really say what it is that brought them on. What she is saying to you does seem pretty harsh, but we really need to hear some of what her side is (as far as you know) to be able to give you any real advice. Anything else is just speculation. What reasons does she give for wanting the seperation? What causes her to classify you as a disease? Why does she refuse counseling???

 

The more of the story you can provide, the better we can help.

TOJAZ

[dreamingoftigers]

seperation is a total last resort. There are so many books on communication between spouses out there.

 

Things don't just explode between couples and one person can seriously turn around a whole conversation. I would totally look into this.

 

If you want the best for your child, you will try to keep its family intact and healthy. Your wife will still be the child's mother will all of her issues, the best you can do right now is work on yours.

[Gunny376]

I really don't even know where to start?

 

Hormones even without being pregno ravages a woman's body, mind, and spirit each and every month of their lives?

 

And that's guessing they're sane, don't have mental nor emotional problems? Develomental problems, pyschological problems, etc? (Which BTW? Most of us do? In one shape, form or fashion?)

 

And that's even before factoring into the equation social and cultural expectations of Western Society?

 

My advice?

 

Do the right thing! You know what it is! You don't need me nor anyone else to tell you what it is!

 

It was written upon your heart the day you were born!

 

Just do the right thing!

[candymoon]

I'm with tojaz, you're not giving us much to go on. What is preceding her calling you names (which is never acceptable). What's she so angry about the last time? She is obviously building up resentments towards you... but what is she telling you they are exactly?

 

You also have to remember pregnancy is a crazy time for women... tumultuous is a good word for it. The hormones are nuts and sometimes what we felt before pregnancy is amplified during it. So if she has stepping up her outbursts to whatever it is you do that pisses her off, some of it can be attiributed to the pregnancy. However, that is not an excuse for name-calling either, but it certainly doesnt help

[nobmagnet]

[Hello,

 

Welcome to love shack.

 

well as Tojaz said a bit more info helps if you feel you can. Is there a cycle of nastyness? ie certain triggers like you working late, her working late, her monthly cycle, people visiting, you going out, lack of money............... its worth trying very hard to see if there are.

 

When did the arguements start? what there an event or did it slowly disintergrate?

 

How far along is the pregnancy?

 

Sorry for the questions but it might enable the lovly peeps on here help/support you a little better:)

 

Nobby xx

[Gunny376]

I'm with tojaz, you're not giving us much to go on. What is preceding her calling you names (which is never acceptable). What's she so angry about the last time? She is obviously building up resentments towards you... but what is she telling you they are exactly?

 

You also have to remember pregnancy is a crazy time for women... tumultuous is a good word for it. The hormones are nuts and sometimes what we felt before pregnancy is amplified during it. So if she has stepping up her outbursts to whatever it is you do that pisses her off, some of it can be attiributed to the pregnancy. However, that is not an excuse for name-calling either, but it certainly doesnt help

 

What she said!

[LucreziaBorgia]

Do you have any reason to think that the baby might not be yours?

[alanwr]

Hi everyone,

 

Sorry for not explaining things correctly. I'll try to clarify and expand.....

 

Basically, the relationship has been tumultuous for years, and the arguing has been going on as far back as can remember. I feel that my wife holds a lot of resentment towards me for a number of reasons. (The main two being 1. I went back to school to do a grad degree which meant I didn't have a lot of money (however, my wife (well, she was my girlfriend at the time) didn't have to support me as I did it all on student loans), and 2. we're originally from the UK and she followed me to the US 6 years ago and I feel she misses her family).

 

With regard to the arguing - it really occurs over the most asinine things. There's never been any infidelity in our marriage or anything like that. I just feel that for a long time she's held a lot of resentment toward me and doesn't really like me. What I am sure of, is that a lot of this comes from her inability to communicate or talk about things. This is the reason why she won't go to counseling - she can't seem to talk about anything. Even her parents have noticed it. (They came to visit a few months after we were married and they could sense the tension. They sat us both down for a chat and all my wife did was stare and the floor and say nothing. Yet these were her parents, not mine). This lack of communication and closeness has resulted in a huge gulf between us.

 

As for the stuff she's saying - well, its not that she says "burn in hell" as she's walking out the door. It's more a case of, "XXXXXXX burn in XXXXX hell, you XXXXXXX XXXX" said with a lot of venom and hatred straight to my face. The whole "disease" comment was made because I kept following her around the house trying to say sorry (although I never really know what I'm saying sorry for) . Apparently, she was liking me to a disease that you can't get rid of - nice, eh? (Yesterday, all this happened because I was at work and wasn't able to help her do a laundry!!)

 

About the pregnancy -she's 13 weeks along. I understand the whole hormonal thing but these arguments were going on long before then. If anything, her pregnancy has made her chill out and not jump on every little thing I do that annoys her.(The arguments have decreased from 2-3 times a week to about once a week or less. Between arguments, things are quite pleasant, but I certainly wouldn't say we had a proper marriage).

 

Also, someone asked why she wanted to separate. Well, it's really me that is thinking about that, although I don't really think she would mind too much if I left. I have brought it up that maybe we should separate, and she is always happy to say, "well, you know where the door is" and "good riddance" etc etc so not sure if she's saying that to try and hurt me, or if she really doesn't care.

 

It sounds like I'm blaming her for everything and I know that's not true. I of course could do more. I know I have a habit of getting frustrated and getting mad when these arguments occur, and all that does is elevate the tension rather calm the situation. I'm sure she has some ligitemate complaints about things I sometimes do and say. However, I can't help feel that there's something amiss when 90% of the time it's me that's doing all the groveling and saying sorry.

 

Hope that clarifies things for you. Thanks again for your feedback.

[nobmagnet]

Hi,

 

Firstly, thanks for clearing up the questions. Secondly OMG what an appauling situation you both find yourself in.

 

Her resentment towards you runs extreamly deep and your grovelling appologies just feed her resentment, she might just be thinking god he is so weak! Its an extreamly difficult position you are in as she refuses to communicate.

 

Your background suggests she maybe isnt happy in the US. Its a massive thing to be away from family and freinds. Has she managed to make any freinds over there?

 

I would suggest you dont engage in arguments. Maybe say, " hey look im really happy to talk about this but i wont engage in an argument, maybe when you are a little calmer we can talk?"

 

Do you think she may have been depressed? maybe had an EA (emotional affaire)

 

My ex resented me for 4 years before it came to a head. I did as you have walked around smoothing the way apologising when i really didnt know what i had done (im sorry if i have offened you ect) Its no way to continue. I found out Lowly worm had been constantly playing away for the 4 years and resented me because me and the kids were in his way. Nothing i could have done to help that, in the end he hated me. We tried councelling after he left the first time. I got lots from it. He payed me lip service and said what he thought i would want to hear. later on (4 months later when it was bad again) he told me he never ment a word of it and it is all my fault.

 

What you are doing hasnt worked for many years and it isnt likely to now is it??

 

Why not get some counselling for yourself? its not essential to go together to try to imrove things, you will get hints and tips to try.

 

Maybe when things are calm you could ask her directly how she feels about you and living in USA ect. Calmly. If she blows up then so be it. Just walk away.

 

so my advice it to be calm and walk away if you feel her blowing up. Dont allow her the satisfaction of rising you.

 

One last question...............do you love her? now thats a vey difficult question. Think about it. people in abusive relationships get muddled about what it means. Things get warped.

 

Nobby:love:

[carhill]

If the genders were reversed, what would the advice be?

 

OK, she doesn't want counseling. Wanting it is most of the battle to efficacy. So, if you want it, you go, get IC, and learn to communicate your boundaries and perspective more clearly and to accept in your mind that she is who she is and decide whether that is going to be your life path. The IC will definitely help with clarity, IME.

 

Best wishes and welcome to LS

[alanwr]

Thanks for the advice guys. I think that's a great idea that maybe I go and speak to someone myself first. Maybe then she may feel more comfortable about coming along and we can get to the bottom of the problem.

 

In answer to a couple of questions:

 

"Am I sure the baby is mine?" - yes, I'm 100%.

 

"Does she have any friends?" - unfortunately, no. And I think that is one of the biggest problems. She works as a teacher and has always worked in a school where her colleagues were much older then her, so they didn't have much in common. I spent a long time trying to get her introduced to my friends' girlfriends/ wives but she never seemed to click with anyone. I would love it if she had her own little circle of girlfriends who she could meet for drinks on a Friday after work. She doesn't seem to realize that she needs to make a bit of an effort to meet people, and as a result she finds herself pretty much with no friends (well, not locally anyway).

 

"Could she be depressed?" - maybe. I've asked her to talk to her doctor about that but she wont.

 

Thanks again guys.

[nobmagnet]

hi again,

 

how i see it so far is as follows......

 

You had extra studies whist she worked, you wanted to move to the USA, you have made lots of freinds and she hasnt. You have a social life maybe and she doesnt.

 

I would recon she is bloody lonley mate, weather you have tried to intergrate her or not she hasnt found anyone yet. Thats 6 years of just you. She is probably resentful because you have found a life and she hasnt. Now i am not excusing her lack of respect or inability to communicate but i cant help but feel you have missed vital signs over the years? If i had moved half the way over the world and my parter wasnt happy, snappy and withdrawn i would question immediatly if it was the move. Have you?

 

Im glad you are considering councelling because which ever way this turns out its important for you be be emotianally sorted.

 

please correct me if i am wrong. I am not having a go at you i am just maybe trying to make you see this from her point of veiw. I might be way of mark but thought i would say it.

 

 

Nobby xx

[unsureLP]

Your situation is incredibly similar to mine! Except that the genders are reversed... But we're also at the point where most of our relationship has been full of insane, angry yelling (by H directed at me), me going to grad school making things worse, H being lonely and away from his home country, not many friends and lonely. It's uncanny how similar your situation sounds. We have a little girl and let me tell you, things got 10x worse after she was born. Maybe because I don't feel she should grow up in that environment and started putting my foot down when he went off. Oh, and he's very, very uncommunicative. He tried 3 counselors before he finally stuck it out for more than one session. He doesn't talk to anyone (including his family), he just lets his anger stew inside until he explodes.

 

To tell you the truth, I'm still on the fence on what to do. I completely understand how awful the kind of life can be. But, because we had something that was really, because of our daughter, and because I feel that I can't give it up without doing my absolute best, I'm sticking it out.

 

For us it got to the point where he became scary and started escalating (breaking things, punching himself, etc) so I told him it was either go to counseling or I would be leaving. It worked. We've been going to counseling and things seem to be slowly getting better. I'm still uneasy and it's not all puppies and rainbows at home, but the crazy yelling fights are getting less and less.

 

So my point is, since your situation seems to be similar, I suggest you try insisting on at least MC before you make up your mind. You must have had some reason to marry her, right? As hard as it is to remember that reason now, try counseling together to see if you can get it back before you give up. Good luck to both of us with our angry spouses..

[unsureLP]

If the genders were reversed, what would the advice be?

 

I'm of the other gender and I got similar responses. Including some from you Carhill, which I really appreciated. :-)

 

My H also didn't want counseling until I gave him an ultimatum of either we try that or I have to leave because I can't take the anger anymore. I say he should try to convince her to go before trying IC alone.

 

Either way, I think you'll find really good advice around here.

[alanwr]

Thanks for the input UnsureLP. Hope things work out for you. I'm definitely going to persevere with the counseling. To nobmagnet - us moving to the US is a little more complicated than her following me over here for me to take classes (She was coming over here despite me initially to teach. I came with her and worked then began attending school. She ended up staying rather than going home because I was in school).

 

But, in answer to your question, yes, I have thought for a very long time that she was lonely and that she'd be less argumentative and happier if she had a better social life. She does know all my friends and will accompany me when we do stuff, but I know its not the same as her having her own group of mates. I've broached the issue a few times with her but it doesn't go down too well (I think she finds it a bit embarrassing to be honest). As I said in a previous post, I've also tried to encourage her to get to meet other people, but she just never seemed to click with too many people.

 

Thanks again.

[nobmagnet]

hi,

 

i moved to this place,as amazing as it is, i had a 14 month old and a 6week old. I was alone, felt alone for over 1.5 years. He ecourgeged me but because i was so unhappy (due to kids and stuff) i didnt open to anyone. Thought they wouldnt like me or just didnt have the energy to try. Whatever it was im afraid you can lead a horse to water but you cant make them drink. Unless you feel you have something to give in a freindship you dont put yourself out there. I can only take that she is deeply unhappy. And yes from what you have said its not you. It wasnt my ex'seither.

 

I did find my feet, got a fab group of buddies and I couldnt be happier because they are brilliant.

 

unhappiness makes you unwilling to make mates. Only because you wouldnt like to bore them at your unhappiness.

 

it was a mutual agreement to emigrate. It doesnt mean she hasnt changed her mind.

 

 

((hugs))

 

Nobby xx

[TDFYC312]

There could be many reasons for her behavior that in your eyes is not justified. However for me everything became alot easier when I quit trying to make sense or justify what my W does or says. My W has gone through pregnacy PMS menopause and maybe all at the same time (another story) but you cannot take any of those things to heart if you are commited to this woman. My W said things to me that I would not say to a dog that cut to the bone very similar ( maybe exactly ) to what you are enduring. Tough to do anything right and that causes fights with us too. I questioned everything about our marriage and after much sh*t under the bridge and research realized that my wife was doing those things to see how commited I am to her in a strange way. I also believe she is undiagnosed BPD and combined with the other hormone issues can lead to some real ugliness during fights. She too refuses counseling ( part of BPD ). We too have been fighting for a long time but we are still together and I am more committed to this woman and love her more than ever. Your wife probably needs and loves you alot more than she is showing. A little googling on BPD may help or may scare you but a man who loves and is commited to his wife does not run away because of a little name calling especially at the time she and your child need you the most. Grow up and realize actions speak louder than words.

[ADF]

It is nearly impossible answer your question without knowing what you're fighting about. You give some details about how the fights play out, but not about what causes them. That is a pretty critical thing to leave out.

[alanwr]

To TDFCY312 - it goes beyond a "little name calling". If that's all it was then I wouldn't really care. I totally understand everyone looses the rag now and again and says things they shouldn't - me included. It's probably more the way she says things to me than what she actually says (with such hatred and contempt). In addition, these arguments occur often and I feel there is not a real relationship there anymore (and this is not something new either, but I feel has been going on for a very long time - years even). We're very isolated from each other. The fact that a child is on the way is what has actually cemented my determination to resolve this once and for all. I grew up in a household where both parents fought all the time. As the years passed, I saw it eat away them until they couldn't stand the sight of each other. I will never subject my own child to that sort of poisonous environment. Its very scary to a small child to have parents that are unhappy and yelling at each other all the time. Simply telling me to "grow up" isn't really going to solve anything. I've been trying to deal with this and stick at it for a long time now, and all that seems to be happening is that we're both completely miserable most of the time.

 

ADF - the fights are normally about things that are so small I can't remember. Let's see - yesterday it was because I stayed late at work and when I got home she was in a mood about it. Last weekend I was out with a friend and texted her to let her know I was just going to stay over at his. Apparently, she was asleep when I texted and it woke her up. In general, most of the arguments seem to focus on something I have or have not done, or have or have not said. That's what it feels like anyway. I could deal with it if it was over in 20 minutes too, but they end up going on for days.

 

Hope that answers your questions. Thanks.

[LisaUk]

Hi Alan

 

This may sound a bit harsh, but I say it with the best of intentions, that I promise you. I was shocked when I read your first post. I was shocked and dismayed to think that someone would consider leaving their wife and unborn child because of some fights and name calling. You say your relationship has been like this for many many years, since before you married, yet you married and have recently conceived a child, but at the same time you are convincing yourself that you have been unhappy for a long time and re-writting your history together so you can allow yourself to leave. That is how it comes across, sorry if I have it wrong and you feel that is unfair. What I would ask you to think about is the happy times, not just the bad and why you married in the first place before you walk away from you marriage and unborn child. You owe that to your unborn child, your wife and YOURSELF.

 

In my personal opinion people generally don't fight and get angry with each other unless they care for each other, love and hate are not opposites, the opposite of love is indifference, so no I don't agree with what you said about your wife not loving you and not caring if you seperate. Also, generally, (I guess there are a few exceptions of people who are truely abusive, in that they deliberately intend to undermine your self esteem), people don't get angry and explosive and hateful and name call without cause. Don't get me wrong here, I'm not saying her behviour is acceptable or that it doesn't hurt you, I'm just saying that there IS an underlying reason for it.

 

I can't tell you what that reason is, only your wife can, but it is my bet that she has been telling you for a LONG time, it's just that men and women communicate in different ways and you maybe aren't hearing what the problem is. You might want to google Divorce Busting and read the article on the walk away wife syndrome, you say the fights are getting less? This isn't necessarily a positive sigh, in fact it could be the oppsoite, that your wife is so tired of trying to communicate her needs to you and her unhappiness that she is giving up. When a women goes silent it can mean she has stopped fighting for the relationship, when a women is fighting it is because she CARES. (The article explains it better than I can).

 

I hear a lot of you trying to change your wife in your posts? A lot of what you would like her to be doing, what you feel would be good for her - friends, social life etc. Now, you may be right, perhaps your wife is unhappy because she does not have her own friends or maybe you are wrong, maybe she is unhappy because she feels you are trying to get her to do what you would like? Can I ask, what are the fights about? You mention one yesterday, she got mad because you were at work and weren't there to help with the laundry. Do you normally work Sundays? Is one of the things you fight about how much time you spend at work and with friends?

 

Now, all of that may be way off beam and if it is I'm sorry, I just thought I would ask and see if it is a possibility. I understand that being called names and screamed at etc is not nice and will erode at you, but it is a very rare circumstance where that type of behaviour, by either spouse, is without cause, there are two sides to every story, because there are two people in a marriage and how they interact will produce the behaviours that result. I hear a lot of you blaming your wife in your posts, "she doesn't make the effort to make friends" "she calls me names and blows up for no reason" etc. I mean all of this in the nicest possible way, even though I know it sounds like I am attacking you, PLEASE think about your part in your wifes unhappiness, think outside the box, do you see anything differently?

 

You have a marriage, you made vows and you have a child on the way, now is the time to be brave and have courage to fight for your family. Marriage is work. No doubt about it, it isn't always a bed or roses, that isn't to belittle your feelings, of course what is happening is killing you, I wouldn't like being screamed at and called names all the time either, but you married this women because you love her, take that love, find it inside yourself and do what you can to resolve whatever it is that is underlying all this.

 

Keep posting, everyone here wants to help, most here are already divorced or seperated and take it from me, its no fun!

[LisaUk]

 

ADF - the fights are normally about things that are so small I can't remember. Let's see - yesterday it was because I stayed late at work and when I got home she was in a mood about it. Last weekend I was out with a friend and texted her to let her know I was just going to stay over at his. Apparently, she was asleep when I texted and it woke her up. In general, most of the arguments seem to focus on something I have or have not done, or have or have not said. That's what it feels like anyway. I could deal with it if it was over in 20 minutes too, but they end up going on for days.

 

Hope that answers your questions. Thanks.

 

Hi Alan, we cross posted, I see form this that I wasn't off beam! You say the fights are over small things to you, they obviously aren't to you wife, if you really wnat to resolve this once and for all and get back the connection and closeness to your wife you are going to need to look at all this from her point of view.

[alanwr]

Hi Lisa,

 

Thanks for writing so much (must have taken you ages) and no, I don't take offense at anything you said. Let me address a couple of your points........

 

Hi Alan

 

This may sound a bit harsh, but I say it with the best of intentions, that I promise you. I was shocked when I read your first post. I was shocked and dismayed to think that someone would consider leaving their wife and unborn child because of some fights and name calling. You say your relationship has been like this for many many years, since before you married, yet you married and have recently conceived a child, but at the same time you are convincing yourself that you have been unhappy for a long time and re-writting your history together so you can allow yourself to leave. That is how it comes across, sorry if I have it wrong and you feel that is unfair. What I would ask you to think about is the happy times, not just the bad and why you married in the first place before you walk away from you marriage and unborn child. You owe that to your unborn child, your wife and YOURSELF.

 

If we were to separate I certainly wouldn't leave her life. I'd hope to be as involved as I would be had we not separated.

 

my personal opinion people generally don't fight and get angry with each other unless they care for each other, love and hate are not opposites, the opposite of love is indifference, so no I don't agree with what you said about your wife not loving you and not caring if you seperate. Also, generally, (I guess there are a few exceptions of people who are truely abusive, in that they deliberately intend to undermine your self esteem), people don't get angry and explosive and hateful and name call without cause. Don't get me wrong here, I'm not saying her behviour is acceptable or that it doesn't hurt you, I'm just saying that there IS an underlying reason for it.

 

I'm sure you're right, but whatever the reason is I've been trying to get to the bottom of it for a long time (as I said in a previous post, even her parents have tried to talk to her). I first asked her about counseling 2 years ago. I've been willing to explore all options for a long time.

 

can't tell you what that reason is, only your wife can, but it is my bet that she has been telling you for a LONG time, it's just that men and women communicate in different ways and you maybe aren't hearing what the problem is. You might want to google Divorce Busting and read the article on the walk away wife syndrome, you say the fights are getting less? This isn't necessarily a positive sigh, in fact it could be the oppsoite, that your wife is so tired of trying to communicate her needs to you and her unhappiness that she is giving up. When a women goes silent it can mean she has stopped fighting for the relationship, when a women is fighting it is because she CARES. (The article explains it better than I can).

 

I understand what you're saying, but in this case you're wrong. My wife has been a lot happier since she found out she's pregnant and seems less likely to let little things get to her. I really don't thing there's much more to it than that.

 

I hear a lot of you trying to change your wife in your posts? A lot of what you would like her to be doing, what you feel would be good for her - friends, social life etc. Now, you may be right, perhaps your wife is unhappy because she does not have her own friends or maybe you are wrong, maybe she is unhappy because she feels you are trying to get her to do what you would like? Can I ask, what are the fights about? You mention one yesterday, she got mad because you were at work and weren't there to help with the laundry. Do you normally work Sundays? Is one of the things you fight about how much time you spend at work and with friends?

 

No, I don't normally work Sundays. It happens now and again but is pretty rare. I pretty much work 9-6, and I'm not a workaholic. I usually go out with my mates one day a week - very often less. My wife used to come out a lot with me but stopped coming as much about a year ago, and not at all since she found out she was pregnant. We never fight about how much I work or that I spend too much time with my friends.

 

Now, all of that may be way off beam and if it is I'm sorry, I just thought I would ask and see if it is a possibility. I understand that being called names and screamed at etc is not nice and will erode at you, but it is a very rare circumstance where that type of behaviour, by either spouse, is without cause, there are two sides to every story, because there are two people in a marriage and how they interact will produce the behaviours that result. I hear a lot of you blaming your wife in your posts, "she doesn't make the effort to make friends" "she calls me names and blows up for no reason" etc. I mean all of this in the nicest possible way, even though I know it sounds like I am attacking you, PLEASE think about your part in your wifes unhappiness, think outside the box, do you see anything differently?

 

You're right about saying that it "erodes at you". That's exactly how I feel. I don't think I'm laying all the blame at her door. I think I said in my opening post that I am a long way from perfect, and I'm sure there's times that she's justified in flying off the handle at me. The main problem is that it just feels like she doesn't like me much and I'm always getting on her nerves. That sounds a bit pathetic but its really how it feels.

 

 

Thanks again for taking the time to write such a large posting.

[LisaUk]

 

 

 

If we were to separate I certainly wouldn't leave her life. I'd hope to be as involved as I would be had we not separated.

 

 

 

Hi Alan,

 

As much as I am sure that you think what you wrote above will be what happens, I have to say that it is unlikely to be the case.

 

Now I know you are going to say you will have a child toegther and that will always keep you in each others lives and you're right. BUT, what happens when you wife meets another man and remarries, your child being so young thinks he is Daddy, will call him so, even if she sees you regularly she's going to think of him as Dad! What if they decide to move? Have children of their own, then your child has half siblings.....the list goes on and on. It could reach a point where you have very little say in your childs life Alan, as much as you don't want that to be the case and are resolved to be a part of their life, in any case not being with her mother will mean you will miss out on an awful lot. Trust me here I know a bit about this, I am dong a law degree in the UK right now and I have seen this kind of thing happen in Family court.

 

To be honest you sound resolved to leave your wife? Ask yourself though, why are people here so desberately trying to get you to try everything to save your marriage? Take a look at some of the threads and see what happens when people divorce, see what happens to those of us who are left, the devestation it causes. Take a look at the threads of those who did the leaving and later regretted it only to find their spouse had moved on. People here on LS will try and help you find solutions to try and resolve your marital issues, but what they won't do (or at least I won't) is provide you with justifications to leave.

[carhill]

OP, can you commit to weekly counseling for two months? If you can, I think you'll have a good basis for making some healthy decisions as well as some tools for interacting in a different way with your W. After all, what's going on right now doesn't seem to be healthy for anyone.

 

My stbx and I went to MC for 14 months before deciding to divorce. It wasn't a hasty nor ill-considered decision. Many people who receive counseling stay married and build a different and better marriage. I hope you're one of those. Get started today.