My story: I want to separate - and need advice

[peakey]

Hi, I'm new here. Really, I just need a place to tell my story.

 

About a month after our first child was born, I found out my husband had just falled in love with another woman. Their emotional affair lasted about a month, and finished only becasue HER boyfriend found out and put a stop to it. I have no doubt that if I hadn't discovered the affair, he would eventually have slept with her. But he has always denied that it was an "affair" because he never had sex with her! Anyway, he blamed me for him having the affair, for various reasons, and even though we decided to try to work things out, things did not get better.

 

About a year later, he came to me to tell me that he still thought about this woman, and wanted to see if she still wanted him. I was devastated. He went to see her, but she had decided to stay with her boyfriend. My H came back to me, and I never got over feeling that I was his second choice, his backup plan. But as we had a little child, I didn't want us to split up, and I stayed.

 

Well, during that year, he had also been involved in online affairs, talking to women on chat lines. He would talk about sex, and about how unhappy he was in our marriage. But he didn't talk to me about why he was unhappy! Anyway, one of those online things became a real, sexual affair. When I found out about it, I moved out. But he was relentless in trying to "win" me back, saying he wanted to work things out, and he'd do anything. We started going to therapy, which was interesting, but even so, I found that he had continued seeing this woman. She lived in a different town, so mostly their relationship consisted of talking on the phone, and internet chats and cell phone text messages. It was so hard to put up with his lies as he told me he had stopped seeing her/being in contact with her, even though he hadn't.

 

Then, about six months after I had found out about woman number 2, I caught him on an internet chat line talking to woman number 1, asking her to try again! I moved out AGAIN, and once more he sweet-talked me into moving back. He can be very charming and sweet and persuasive. So I moved back again. THEN I found out he was talking to yet ANOTHER woman. He swore nothing was going on between them, he was just talking to her about our relationship for guidance (she was studying to be a therapist). Never mind that their emails were really flirty. So I told him I wanted a divorce. This time he really listened to me, and was willing to read stuff I gave him about working on your relationship after an affair, etc., and for over a year, things really seemed to work out. The trust issue was hard, and I would keep very close tabs on him, especially when he was on the internet.

 

I really thought that things were going to work out. And I thought he did too. Which is why we decided to try for another child. I'm happy to say I now have a 2 1/2 month old daughter. However, when I was about 6 months pregnant, I found out that woman number 2 had joined him on a business trip he took over a weekend. But he told me nothing happened. I didn't believe it, but had no other proof, and didn't want to deal with separating while I was pregnant. But over Christmas, I found out lots of stuff. I found out he has been on at least one other business trip with her, that they send each other text messages every day, that he calls her on his cell phone late at night while I'm feeding out daughter. Lots of things. He swears black and blue that he isn't having sex with her, and he seems to very truly believe that this means he's not having an affair. The thing that sickens me is that he bought himself TWO new cell phones that he kept secret from me, which he uses to call her (and I think maybe another woman too). And he got a credit card he kept secret from me! So this time round, his deception was really calculating. He had every intention of carrying on his "non-affair" in secret.

 

So now I want out. I don't care that I have a little baby to take care of. I'd rather be a poor single mother than live with a lying, cheating, deceitful idiot. But he STILL wants to work things out! I can only assume he wants to have his cake and eat it too. Even though he begs, and says he'll do anything to work things out, the one thing he hasn't done, and won't do, is stop seeing her. So why on earth should I bother?

 

It helps me to write this out, for others to see. I'm such a sucker, I might just be tempted to work things out with him. But I believe I won't ever trust him one little bit again, and I can see by what I've written that there's very little reason to trust him. He's put me through 3 1/2 years of hell. Even so, it's hard to tell him. I've told him a few times, but he doesn't seem to get the hint.

 

I want him to leave. Why should I have to move my two little children out of their home just to suit him? The question is, how can I get him to leave? Aside from changing the locks while he's at work?

[brownhair]

Dear Peakey,

unfortunately some men think it's perfectly normal to have 2 or 3 women. One at home and a few others on the side. And sometimes they'll switch and one of the women on the side will become the woman "at home", to be cheated upon herself, of course.

To such men this is normal and they can't for the world imagine why it should be so big a deal to you, as long as he is a good provider and doesn't beat you up or whatever.

The lying and hiding is part of this game, they'll deny everything, of course.

You seem to have done everything you possibly can to patch things up and I think you should be moving on - you deserve to be with someone who loves and respects you, this guy seems to be only loving and respecting himself.

Or if you can put up with it, stay with him until you are financially in a better situation. Take some advantage of him - he deserves it !

Maybe you'd better get yourself checked for STD - if you haven't done so already - as you cannot be sure he has been having safe sex.

Good luck to you girl.

Big hug

[brownhair]

 

I want him to leave. Why should I have to move my two little children out of their home just to suit him? The question is, how can I get him to leave? Aside from changing the locks while he's at work?

 

Sorry to have missed this part of your message.

Go see a lawyer and ask him for advice and take the proofs of his cheating with you.

I guess you can find a pro bono (pro deo ?) lawyer. If you are not completely satisfied with the answers or advice you get, go see another lawyer ! They are not all equally skilled - I know !

Of course your husband doesn't want to leave you - he needs someone to cook his dinner and wash his clothes and he wants a home to live in. So sorry - he'll have to do those things himself from now on and look for a place to stay.

But check first with a lawyer what steps would be in your best interest, financially etc.

If he really doesn't want to leave you might have to be a little more patient.. try to keep your calm, you will win this thing in the end.

[nap]

Oh peaky....your story is my story except in my case it is my wife and her affair happened approx 10 years ago but only found out 12 months ago. Again she said the same thing as your husband..."it wasn't an affair...I pulled out at the last minute" etc etc. She confessed to it being planned, over many weeks and it was a 69er episode...and its not an affair? Anyway, same thing...."get over it"..."don't constantly remind yourself over it"..."it was no big deal"...."it meant nothing to me"..."I called it off" ...etc etc....has been her response. At first, she said she wanted to make things work out...but it has always been a half-hearted attempt on her part. I agree with you 100% in the reply you put to "Doreme"...that is, the culprit should be doing everything possible, taking the initiative to change and make it up to the person who is hurt...and not continuing with the antics or antagonising the victim, etc, etc. In your case it seems he has the words but fails to deliver on the actions. In my case, my wife is short on the words and actions...her comments are now more along the lines ..."you'll never forget about it"..."we are not compatible"..etc, etc...as I said , minimal effort towards trying to make up for the deceit, etc. In fact in my case, from the time she had the affair to the time I found out 12 months ago, we had two additional children. I would not have had them if I knew about the affair back then.

 

This is killing me. I'm still at home however, not sure for how long. My wife seems to have given up a long time ago. Read my post "Wife Affair still strong" for the full story.

 

In your case I agree with you. No matter how hard you try I don't think you'll ever forget especially if your husband continues "reminding" you with his deceit and lies. I think it would be manageable if he romanced you constantly, bent over backwards to please, respected you and the marriage, etc etc. However, as soon as there is a argument over issues of respect, etc, etc...the bad memories will keep floooding back...and that is why I don't think things will be great...as they should be in a faithful marriage. I've always thought of myself as strict believer in marriage....but I can't see myself in this marriage for too much longer...I've been in it for 20 years...and as hard as it will be...this event will always haunt me...especially if my wife is not prepared to take the lead and provide true change and want to make it work.

 

Its strange, I find myself looking for movies with a similar story...I don't know exactly why...maybe I'm looking for answers, different opinions, etc etc. I'll have to have a look at that movie you mentioned..."Love Actually".

 

I feel for you. Somehow get him out and move on. I don't think you have any choice. Good luck and let me know....I need your words of wisdom to sway me on my final decision...I'm stuck in no man's land....I feel like I'm screwed whichever way I go.

 

Ciao

[peakey]

Originally posted by nap

I'm stuck in no man's land....I feel like I'm screwed whichever way I go.

 

Those words touched me very much.

I think that too many people give up on their marriages too early. Love and commitment are about hard work as much as anything else. And I was originally prepared to stay in the marriage because I just couldn't stand the idea of being a quitter, or becoming a statistic. And because I still loved my husband - I still do.

 

But for me, it has reached a point that I feel more screwed if I stay than if I go. Is that how you feel? It just feels sort of humiliating to stay. There was another quote from the movie I mentioned. The nearly-unfaithful husband said he felt like such a fool for what he almost did. His wife replied "yes, but you've made a fool of me too, and made the life I lead foolish." It was the last bit that hit a nerve with me. The cheater makes a mockery of their marriage, of the life that a husband and wife have built together, especially if there are children involved. Life for them can never be the same, even if the cheater really is sorry, and tries to make up for it. And in your case, it must feel like half your marriage has been built over a foundation of lies. Her affair may have stopped 10 years ago, but that means she's been lying to you ever since. Yikes.

 

It's hard for me to offer "words of wisdom", because I feel like a fool myself. Right now I'm so angry and bitter too, and that doesn't help to see things clearly.

I think that maybe you do have to let your wife's actions be your guide. It's okay for both of you to feel confused and uncertain of what you want, but you can't let that drag on forever. I've gone through more than three years of uncertainty, and I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

 

I've read your story in your post "wife affair still strong". I have to say that it seems odd to me that she would admit to you about this affair such a long time after it happened. It seems a very provocative thing to do. What I mean is, did she tell you because she wants to force YOU to make a decision about your marriage, rather than facing up to making the decisions herself? Then she doesn't have to feel guilty about leaving you (though she's got plenty else to feel guilty about!). Does that make sense?

 

Not that it helps make decisions. Whatever you do, don't just sit for years waiting and waiting. Give yourself a time limit. Even discuss that with her. If she really wants to work things out with you, then she knows how much time she has to get her act together.

 

BTW, the movie I mentioned - "Love Actually" -- it's actually quite a feel-good movie, about how love is all around us. It's a British film, with lots of great actors. And it lifted my spirits immensely. But there was the sad storyline of the husband on the brink of an affair. I too am drawn to movies or books about people in my situation. Almost like I'm looking for guidance or affirmation.

 

Anyway, it's a small comfort to know that we're not the only people in this no-man's land you mentioned.

[peakey]

Originally posted by brownhair

To such men this is normal and they can't for the world imagine why it should be so big a deal to you, as long as he is a good provider and doesn't beat you up or whatever.

 

brownhair, it's funny you say that, because my husband did say to me things like that: "at least I don't beat you." Yay. Thanks so much! He would also compare himself to a friend of ours who has screwed around on his fiance dozens of times. Probably hundreds of times. So my husband says to me "at least I'm not as bad as him." Yay again. I know it is worse in some ways if your spouse has cheated on you lots instead of just once of twice. But really, once they've cheated, they've cheated. Like being "a little bit pregnant", you can't just be "a little bit of a cheater."

 

The funny thing about my H is that I really don't believe that he is aware of his own attitude. If you asked him if it was acceptable for a man to be married and have women on the side, he'd probably say that it's not. Well, anyway, that's what I would have believed of him when I married him. Maybe it's just that he's not willing to admit to his *wife* that he thinks it's okay for a man to have a happy home life AND girls on the side.

 

Thanks for the advice, too. I'm looking forward to the day when he has to do his own ironing. Except I bet he gets his mom to do it for him.

[nap]

Peaky,

 

You make a lot of good sense. Some posts give u advice about seeing a lawyer and proof on infidelity....I'm here in Sydney and in oz I don't it matters two hoots what proof you've got. Anyway, I'd love to respond more but I've got to go to work.....and be a "good" provider.

 

Ciao

[xalysabethh]

I dont know if you've read my story here. But I have a 4 1/2 year old daughte rhave been with my husband for 9 years (married 1 year) and when i was pregent with our second child i found out about the OW. he swears they were just friends even though he racked up hundreds of dollars in phone bills on the cell phone, they said i love you, he was alwas late home from work , disapeeared lying, i found love cards andletters. i made himleave after we had agreed to work on things and i found on the phone bill he was still calling her 4-5 times a day and lying about it. i was devestated. so he moved out. come to find out she also was married with a 4 year old daughter, shes form another country her parents found out and forbid her from talkign . there talk time cut significantly down (he sitll talks to her though and they work togeher). he now desperatly wants me back.. i have tough days/weeks wehre i dont know what to do but im trying to hold strong. he still swears there 'just friends" and "nothing ever happend" i cant and wont buy that i dont know. I have many moments i want to go back i love this man and he is the father of my kids but i have to stay strong because if i let him cross any line he wants to what will ever change? good luck in all you decide to do,

Xalysabeth

[xalysabethh]

As for the lawyer, we are in the middle of bankruptcy so cant really do anythign until then but you can always get a "legal" seperation done until you go for a divorce id call a lawyer and just talk to them,

xalysabeth

[nap]

Originally posted by peakey

 

But for me, it has reached a point that I feel more screwed if I stay than if I go. Is that how you feel? It just feels sort of humiliating to stay.

 

Spot on peaky. I sure do! All self-respect and self esteem seems to disappear, like you are a lesser person, someone who needs to accept less, because you are accepting dis-respect for your committment and faithfullness. If we stay it seems like we are letting ourselves down - not supporting "me" - we are not protecting our integrity. And the worst part....we'll get used to it...we'll become like them....our sensitivity will diminish...having an affair will soon become a "fact of life"...it won't be a big deal. You and me don't what that.

 

You know Peaky...I liken our situation to the frog in water which is being gradually brought to boil. The frog will stay, getting used to the heat until eventually it is boiled to death. You're too smart for that.

 

And yet why are you (and me for that matter) still with your husband. If you are like me (I hope not), and the decent person that you are, your mind is rationalising the chunk of life you are thinking of throwing away and thinking of every possible reason to stop this from happening. Your mind is saying..."I'm going to be the meany calling this marriage quits, chucking him out, breaking the family up, etc" ...and... "I'm the meany not prepared to forgive a mistake" or as my wife said the other night..."we got married with the vow of ...for better or worse". Hold your horses! When we married, it was not part of the deal to cheat....it is up to the cheater to move heaven and earth and undo the wrong...if that is ever possible.

 

You are a strong person Peaky...much more than me. I'll need all of my resolve to make this massive change. It makes me sick. You can get through this and be strong all the way. Keep in touch.

[peakey]

Originally posted by nap

I liken our situation to the frog in water which is being gradually brought to boil. The frog will stay, getting used to the heat until eventually it is boiled to death.

 

Ouch! But yeah, I guess that's what it feels like.

 

Originally posted by nap

your mind is rationalising the chunk of life you are thinking of throwing away and thinking of every possible reason to stop this from happening. Your mind is saying..."I'm going to be the meany calling this marriage quits, chucking him out, breaking the family up, etc"

 

and I think that the cheating spouse plays on this a lot. For so long my H would keep saying that he wanted to work things out, even though he kept cheating. I really think that he wanted me to be the one responsible for quitting. I've heard that there are some people who have affairs when they are no longer happy with their marriage, just so that there is a "real" excuse to quit - I suppose because being unhappy in marriage doesn't seem enough reason to divorce (?). So, they do something to so seriously upset their spouse that there is no going back, no way to fix things. They are prepared to inflict a lot of pain, just so that they can avoid being the person to say "it's over" - so they don't have to be the meany, the quitter. So, we, the cheated-upon, not only have to bear the pain of being cheaten on, we also have to, as you say "be the meany" to say the marriage is over. How lousy is that?!

 

Originally posted by nap

or as my wife said the other night..."we got married with the vow of ...for better or worse". Hold your horses! When we married, it was not part of the deal to cheat

 

Ha, that's a good one! What was going through her mind when "for better or for worse" was said? And what about the other vows like "love honour and cherish"?? She wasn't exactly cherishing you when she was unfaithful.

 

I'm sure that you will find the strength to deal with your situation, whatever you decide to do. Sometimes it does take a while to gain the strength to leave. Look at me, it took me 3 1/2 yrs. I don't feel like I've been strong. I muddled through and merely "survived" most of that time, living day to day. But there comes a time when a little voice inside tells you enough is enough. For some it just takes longer than for others. I do wish you all the best with your struggle.

[peakey]

xalysabethh, I know how you feel.

 

Originally posted by xalysabethh

I have many moments i want to go back i love this man and he is the father of my kids but i have to stay strong because if i let him cross any line he wants to what will ever change?

 

That's exactly how I feel! When my H had his second affair, I made a deal with myself. I said if it happened again, I would leave him. But because he'd had so many second chances up til then, I don't think he believed I'd ever leave him. He just kept crossing that line, and didn't change.

 

So don't let your man keep crossing those lines! I know you love him, and it's hard to make decisions when kids are involved. I'm not saying you have to leave him, but if you are prepared to stay with him, maybe give yourself a time limit, and make sure that he works at changing. Just don't let him keep getting away with what he's done. If he really wants you back, he should be doing everything in his power to show you he loves you. And that includes not seeing that other woman!

 

Good luck to you whatever you decide.

[LuckyStar]

It's very difficult to trust again and although he's your husband, you should think really hard about the future welfare of your children. Take care of yourself, love yourself, it's important, your children needs a healthy mom.

[xalysabethh]

peakey

 

Thanks, I know Its hard and i am fustrated but as of now I feel the best thing is to divorce him I just cant imagine ever being able to trust him. but like i said i have my days lol. luckily i have loveshack so I wish you good luck too in whatever happens in your situation and if you ever need to talk were here !

Xalysabeth

[Firecracker765]

Hey, I have a similiar situtation. I have been in a relationship for 10 years now and found out last January that he cheated on me a couple of times. Once with a good friend of of his and one with a co-worker of his. I have always thought that him and his friend was a little fishy. He knew her about a year before I met him then we all became friends sort of. She and her husband and me and my partner. Well they would talk all the time and quick kiss on the lips when we would part with her after doing something and also say love you too each other. It always made me feel uncomfortable but he would twist things around and make me think it was normal. They are good friends is all. Plus they would talk on the phone alot and she would page him with things like miss you and love you. He denies that though. Well after a lot of years of fighting and being unhappy I finanally just left and went to my sisters house with our 3 kids. He asked me to come home to talk and admitted that they did have an affair but just once (ya right) and that he was seeing someone at work which I kinda knew already. Well as of now he hasn't seen or talked to his friend after I confronted he about it last year and of course she denies it and says he just said it to break us up as frends (they were kinda rocky for some reason I don't know) but she was talking to me about my partner and I and actually giving me advice about our problems. So I know he doesn't talk to her anymore. It is really uncomfortable for me because she live in my community, our kids are in the same class together and she teaches sunday school to one of my kids. What a joke right?? But this co-worker he still sees everyday because he works with her and he went horse back riding on his birhday and he went to a class for work in which she just happend to show up after it was over to go sightseeing together in Gettysburg. (Ya like she just showed up out of the blue) and he says he didn't know she was coming. But I don't know if he is nuts or if he just really believes that that is ok. He says they are friend and he isn't going to stop talking to her just because I am imature and can't handle it. They are not sleeping together anymore. (Ya right) Am I right?? It isn't normal behaviour is it. They had an affair and he should just cut off all contact with her. I sugested he quit and get another job if he has too. He is in EMS and there are alot of places he could go. Well anyway I just needed to say this. Thanks for listening. I am too wanting to leave but just have no idea how to do it. I have a disabled child and no car right now or job. He knows I am unhappy and refuses to leave the house. In his mind everything is ok and he wants to work things out. Well I don't. I am sick of his mental abuse.

 

Cin