Dreamingoftiger's coping log

[dreamingoftigers]

Well we are at it again.

 

My "husband" who is supposed to be in counseling and recovery has decided to throw me away for girls on the internet, or girls he can try to get in real life.

 

Anybody but me.

 

I threw a keylogger in there last week because I just knew. He didn't miss our sex and I just knew it was because he was getting needs met somewhere else. I tried to be intimate with him last night and got shut down.

 

I am the other woman in my own marriage and I have gotten tired of it. I would never be the OW for anyone else, so why would I be for my husband?

 

I don't think he truly loves us (his family) at all. Just wants what he wants. Didn't even apologize for leaving us screwed for rent and utilities the way he did earlier this month when he went on his bender.

 

Time to go I think, time to go.

 

He writes me this card yesterday telling me how much he wants "us." And that he realizes how difficult things have been, then it turns out he was on the net with Adult Friend Finder. yeah, touch my heart.

 

"I made a mistake." I did too, taking him back the first time.

[dreamingoftigers]

Have been so upset I am throwing up over the fact I know my marriage is over.

He has been lying to me and our marriage counselors for over a year now

[Rearden Metal]

Have been so upset I am throwing up over the fact I know my marriage is over.

He has been lying to me and our marriage counselors for over a year now

 

DoT,

 

This guy is poison. I've rarely heard such a terrible, horrific story as yours. Are you in counseling? I have to believe that the damage this has done to you is deeeeep...

 

I'm so sorry you're going through this. He's not your responsibility. Excavate him from your life. Permanently.

[candymoon]

awww ((dreamoftigers))

 

From reading from what I have read in your former posts, including those in support of me (thank you SO much), you you do what you need to do for that baby of yours. Focus on her and what is best to make her a wonderful young woman like her mother. If he can't realize now what he is missing, then you do what needs doing.

 

At work, so will check in here after. Just wanting to lend a virtual hand of support...

 

Best wishes

[dreamingoftigers]

He really didn't expect me to catch him and has been walking around like he got hit by a bus.

 

"I want my family" well the two of us and every other vagina in the world just can't seem to co-exist in this family.

 

So he went to an SA meeting tonight and really came clean about his activities. We'll see.... we'll see. I am not listening to BS words anymore. IT HAS BEEN A YEAR.

 

He is so checked out 75% of the time, he doesn't look at me with desire anymore and I thought the porn had been out of his life for over 6 months now, he told me it hasn't been more then 4 DAYS at any given time! No wonder our marriage is diharrea! I've gotten sick of being lied to all of the time.

 

We have an appointment booked at the marriage counselor because I called her earlier and she said she would like to see what is feasable, if he is even going to reasonable about negotiating about finances or our daughter. I have an appointment with a lawyer on Wednesday for a consultation, I hope that the numbers look good.

[kimflute26]

Oh my gosh.... *huge hugs*... First I am SO sorry about all you are going through. Second chances are a gift, and honestly, he pretty much blew his. I wouldnt take him back for anything. Stay strong and remember we're here for you!

[candymoon]

You tried and tried DoT. You gave it your all...and if he is choosing his addictions and unhealthy behavior over you and your child, then so be it. You can move on without guilt, regrets, remorse. Sadness can't be avoided, but you gave him more than enough time to get with the program so maybe some will be mitigated with that knowledge.

 

Big hugs to you!

[dreamingoftigers]

This has actually about his 4th chance. We have even gone to see a specialist in sexual addiction.

 

Last night I told him that he was losing his family and he looked like he got hit by a bus. I didn't have the guts to ask him to leave but we slept in separate rooms and he drove himself to work this morning.

 

(But because he has not been working there that long and I have always driven him, he got lost and was a half hour late HAHA).

 

He went to a recovery meeting last night and he came clean about everything but I know that he is capable of violating my trust at the deepest level. Being near him makes me sick. He wanted me to sleep with him last night to give him "some hope about our relationship." I said no.

 

Why would I want to sleep beside him? I don't even want to see him ever again. He is off my fb friend's list and I changed my relationship status to "in a relationship" from "married." Only because they don't have "in a stupid relationship."

 

He told me that he was "trying to to recover" but that he couldn't do it and that on Sunday he was proud because he had "cut back" on the porn/masturbating/online dating and it didn't "occupy his whole day." That Sunday was the day he had decided he wanted to work on out marriage for real and that's why he bought me the card and flower. FFS it is just more BS!

 

I said if he was working his recovery, at the very least he would have a sponsor, he told me he had one, I asked who and how often he checked in with him. He said "his name is ZZZ but I don't know where his number is."

 

I said, "so you don't check in with your sponsor, you don't go to meetings, you lie during check-in and you have never gone more then 4 days without the other stuff, you miss counseling and that is your version of recovery? No. This is someone who doesn't want their family."

 

I just feel sick today, yesterday was just so gross being upset to the point where I was throwing up.

 

Today I guess I'll just do some cleaning to try and give my daughter a good home, I am the only one she really has.

[MrsPeaSoup]

DoT,

 

I think you're one of the strongest women I've ever met.

[dreamingoftigers]

I appeciate the compliment but I don't feel very strong right now.

 

I feel very, very worn out. Just emotionally and spiritually exhausted.

 

It has been so hard dealing with all of the gaslighting BS for so long and realizing that my husband is absolutely capable of being a bottomless pit of lies and pain.

 

I never would have thought I would marry someone that would hide and lie and run away form things. I always talk things out. I thought I married someone with the same values. I thought I married someone I had found great fun and sexual expression with.

 

He has no energy for this relationship, it is all about the girls and the porn.

He has no energy for his daughter or to really accomplish anything. I wonder how much better he would have done in University if he had used even half of his porn time for studying.

 

Today has been so hard already. I want to see him come home and give me a hug. I even have been really really horny and I think about having sex with him and then it digusts me. I know it is because I feel like maybe that way I can get his attention. But I know it won't. He has all of those images in his head for the past 3 years and it obviously works a lot better for him then I ever could.

 

I feel so desperate for some kind of real touch. Like a real affectionate, loving, caring touch. I almost feel like posting an ad up on CL for someone just to come and cuddle intimately.

 

The only thing that is pulling me through today is playing with my little girl. She is so cute and happy and has no idea what is going on.

 

I have just been bawling my eyes out. But I have to do laundry, or else no one will.

[dreamingoftigers]

Quoted from another thread:

"Seriously though, people like this didn't want a husband to begin with, they wanted a surrogate parent to care for them while they run around and play teenager. It's really weird. A strange sense of entitlement. Like they really don't get that they are responsible for themselves."

 

 

That's it! Thank you.

 

Sorry to thread jack but that explains my husband completely. He has literally been acting like he is twelve. Running away, lying, throwing temper tantrums. My goodness I have an out-of-control child!

 

This does explain a lot. I find it so weird that after 5 years of being together that he commonly says things to me such as: "I didn't want to tell you because then you would be mad." He is so often expecting me to lose my temper, which I find kind of baffling because losing my temper usually happens under EXTRAORDINARY circumstances. I don't even think I lost my temper the last two times I caught him.

 

His mother loses her temper at the drop of a hat. Cut the peaches too small or the potatoes too big and BAM!

 

This stuff is so childish, it is ridiculous. I really hope that for himself and to be an example for our daughter that he goes into recovery and learns some adult coping skills.

[candymoon]

This does explain a lot. I find it so weird that after 5 years of being together that he commonly says things to me such as: "I didn't want to tell you because then you would be mad." He is so often expecting me to lose my temper, which I find kind of baffling because losing my temper usually happens under EXTRAORDINARY circumstances. I don't even think I lost my temper the last two times I caught him.

 

His mother loses her temper at the drop of a hat. Cut the peaches too small or the potatoes too big and BAM!QUOTE]

 

That does explain a lot. But hey, you already have a child to care for. Somehow he expects to see his mother in you and that is not your job. It's sickly Freudian. But not anymore since you are pulling the co-dependent cords and letting him find his way (and now you yours). Even though it's tremendously hard, probably the hardest thing we have to do, there has to be the relief of at least taking action (and KNOWING you are really going for it this time) as opposed to the burden of of inaction.

[dreamingoftigers]

This does explain a lot. I find it so weird that after 5 years of being together that he commonly says things to me such as: "I didn't want to tell you because then you would be mad." He is so often expecting me to lose my temper, which I find kind of baffling because losing my temper usually happens under EXTRAORDINARY circumstances. I don't even think I lost my temper the last two times I caught him.

 

His mother loses her temper at the drop of a hat. Cut the peaches too small or the potatoes too big and BAM!QUOTE]

 

That does explain a lot. But hey, you already have a child to care for. Somehow he expects to see his mother in you and that is not your job. It's sickly Freudian. But not anymore since you are pulling the co-dependent cords and letting him find his way (and now you yours). Even though it's tremendously hard, probably the hardest thing we have to do, there has to be the relief of at least taking action (and KNOWING you are really going for it this time) as opposed to the burden of of inaction.

 

 

I know that he keeps expecting to see reactions that are just like his mother's. He is always freaked out that I might try to control him or make him feel guilty. Everything is so bizarre because I just want to live a normal, healthy life.

[dreamingoftigers]

I think I have just been gaslighted (gaslit) again into believing that he wants to work on his issues and that he is coming home tonight.

 

He hugged me for a long time before he left and I now think he was hugging me goodbye. He has run away before and was planning to do so yesterday afternoon before I talked to him.

 

He told me that if he was going to leave that he would have done so last night. He says he wouldn't have gone to the meeting. That isn't his MO, he runs and hides. He doesn't leave with his head up or says he is going to and then does it. He just runs the second I am out the door.

 

He has lied so much that even if he were to tell the truth all day long for a year, I am pretty sure I would second-guess everything. Not good not good

 

I know that I have to work up the strength to end this. I don't have it yet.

[dreamingoftigers]

He always runs and then comes back, it is so hard.

 

I never know if he is going to be home when I get back.

[dreamingoftigers]

DoT,

 

This guy is poison. I've rarely heard such a terrible, horrific story as yours. Are you in counseling? I have to believe that the damage this has done to you is deeeeep...

 

I'm so sorry you're going through this. He's not your responsibility. Excavate him from your life. Permanently.

 

Hey man thank you for posting on my log!

 

Yes it has done a ton of damage. I am so broken by it that today I was even going to tell him, yes just do whatever you like, I just want to keep my family.

 

PLease stay at home and just sleep beside me and raise our daughter together and when you want to work on your issues you can.

 

But my mother was a co-dependent and I KNOW that there is no due-paying. Co-dependents and enablers do not reach stability or fulfillment this way. They keep paying with their hearts and souls so they can feed their SO's demons.

 

I am sick of his demons snacking on my self-worth. I want to bawl my eyes out for my daughter who is the happiest little girl in the world and looks at her dad with the stars in her eyes. She is only 10 months old and absolutely LOVES her Da-da.

 

When he left last time I just held her and sung: "Somebody misses your dad, somebody misses your dad, we miss him really bad, we miss him really bad, we miss your dad."

 

You never know what someone's character is going to look like after a couple of years. I am a Mormon and have done everything I can (despite my personal and childhood issues) to maintain my standards. I will never cheat, I never have.

[dreamingoftigers]

Yes I am in counseling and it has been tremendous. I would have been in the hospital or suicidal by now (I have had a history) if it wasn't for EMDR.

 

I would scream about EMDR from the rooftops it is so wonderful at getting rid of so much BS that you carry around.

 

My father, who was extremely abusive and deprivational, caused my anxiety until EMDR. I saw him the other day (he actually only lives about 10 blocks away) and it really didn't even flicker past me. There was a mild "ew" inside, but that's it.

[dreamingoftigers]

So I went to an S-Anon meeting tonight.

 

It's hard because a lot of the other women there have been able to put their relationships back together because their spouses were willing to go to treatment and take it seriously.

 

I have not had the guts to ask my husband to leave yet but I am pretty sure I will in the next week. He has been lying to me and denying me a sex life for so long that I can literally feel the dead weight between us.

 

Even though I would have done anything for human touch and contact earlier from just about ANYONE, the thought of ever sleeping beside him again makes me kind of sick.

 

I got mono recently and a cold sore (which I have never had in my life before) I don't know if he brought it home and gave it to me, which makes me even sicker.

[dreamingoftigers]

I still don't have the guts. Kind of in shock because he just yelled at me so hard that his spit was flying in my face. weird weird explosion. reminded me of my dad.

 

it was because i wanted to discuss something and then 5 minutes into the convo he cuts it off. I say sarcastically "typical." He loses it.

 

Trying to tell myself that I am not making any final decisions on our marriage until we at least see the counselor. Will have to postpone the lawyer until next week because I had to book a job for tomorrow afternoon.

 

sleeping in separate beds again thank goodness.

[dreamingoftigers]

So today was different. Dropped him off @ work. He was really down. He's starting to get it.

 

I went and got my friend who also works for us. We both talked about our screwy relationships (although she is bordering on abusive in her's and she knows it).

 

We cleaned a couple houses and called it a day. I really enjoyed the support.

 

My H called during the day to say he loves me and hopes I am having a great day. I don't believe him anymore, he probably just picked up a phone # or something.

 

Picked him up and he told me some check-in/recovery stuff. I am not going to derail his recovery so I played ball but really he has LIED on EVERY check-in except maybe this last one so it really doesn't matter.

 

I tried to call my sponsor but she didn't answer.

I was filled with anger and resent over all of the cheating/lying crap and how it is still continuing after all of the months of "recovery." So instead of being it up and talking about it like I tried for months and really I don't want to build a "relationship" or try to trust again. This is the FOURTH time he has been caught lying for an extended period of time. I went for a walk to try to take a break from being in the house and around him.

I don't even want to see him, he presence more irritates and annoys me.

I discovered on my walk that I just really want OUT. I never thought I would feel this way about my spouse.

 

I also realized that I just don't have the energy right now to completely overhaul everything. I lost so much energy being sick with mono the last couple of weeks and before that him running away for 8 days on a bender. I just need a little break and to start planning my exit. I don't want to make this really fast and sudden and vicious. Maybe I just need to get used to being apart from him. It's been 3 days of this roommate situation and that feels better. I actually get more sleep not being so stressed out about our relationship all the time even though I sleep in our baby's room. And I get to keep more blanket

[dazzle22]

Heartbreaking story... Did you have any warning signs that your husband was so far gone into addiction before you married him? Or that he was such a habitual liar?

[dreamingoftigers]

One of the biggest reasons I married him was because I thought he was an honest man. His actions matched his words for so long. it was in the last 2-3 years that his addiction seemed to take him away.

 

I think the early stages of love were like an addiction to him (and to me too honestly). So he wasn't too hooked on the other stuff. We spent about 24 hours a day together for the first 2.5 years of our relationship. (Which I realize now isn't healthy). So there wasn't much room to hide and we travelled all over leading a pretty stress-free life. Not much space for an addiction to take solid root.

 

It was when we settled down into one place and I started working that the S hit the fan.

 

It is the early years that I grieve the most. All of those memories and qualities seemed to have disappeared. It is very much like the man I knew died, or perhaps never existed. The only things I look forward to in our relationship is sharing some cute memories of our daughter (he pays less and less attention to her) and a hug at the end of the night and that didn't even happen last night. I also realized that is NO foundation for a relationship and and I can't ever imagine sleeping with him again. My heart is really quite broken and for the first time I can even imagine trying to move on.

 

He is talking about saving for a house. I cannot imagine moving away from here with just him and me and our daughter. I haven't told him yet. i find it so hard because I keep thinking if I just hold out a little longer maybe the man I knew will make an appearance. Maybe he'll just come through the door one day and say "I was such an idiot to treat you that way and to treat myself that way." "I want to be your husband so bad, you are the only woman I want in my life and I will do all that I can to recover from this because I know it is destroying my life and my family."

 

And then.... do everything he can to work his program. Sponsor, Step into action, meetings, reading, check-ins.

 

But i do not hold out much hope that this is going to happen. I don't think he misses "us" very much because he always has the porn to turn to. The porn never says "no" on any level. The porn never makes him feel anxiety about the relationship he has with it. And the porn never has any "feelings."

 

I am real and I come flawed.

[dreamingoftigers]

We talked a little on the way back from work. He's still talking like he wants his recovery, I have heard this too much.

 

I apologized for some of my defects of character that have made things difficult for him.

 

Today I made sure to try my best to take care of myself. I did my work and then went to the zoo. Kind of a mixed idea. My H and I had tried to get to the zoo for years but just "never had the time." So I decided to go with two of my friends. They wanted to see The Canadian Wilds exhibit and that made me kind of sad because my H and I travelled all over Canada and the US (well 32 states together). We saw many of those creatures ourselves as we road tripped and it brought back a ton of memories.

 

I also Saran wrapped the toilet so that I could play a prank on him but he threw his kleenex it the toilet instead and laughed when it bounced out.

[spriggig]

Maybe he'll just come through the door one day and say "I was such an idiot to treat you that way and to treat myself that way." "I want to be your husband so bad, you are the only woman I want in my life and I will do all that I can to recover from this because I know it is destroying my life and my family."

 

As you probably know this is very likely to happen--once you kick him out of your life. Be strong.

 

I think about you and hope for the best for you and your daughter.

[dreamingoftigers]

I love April Fool's! Our neighbour came in and put toothpaste on the fridge handle and the master bedroom door. My H caught both of them LOL

 

I got an apology tonight for everything I have been put through. I am very skeptical. It sounds like a lot of the same stuff. After a year of all of this bs following all of the rejection it all just sounds the same and it does little more then ware on my nerves.

 

Did another last minute cleaning job tonight, am a little worried b/c the fumes from the shower cleaner seem to cause my throat to swell a bit.

 

I think I have to start hitting the gym soon to keep my nerves at ease.

 

Things seem to be a little calm here, but I know a huge storm can break at any time.

 

It is so weird how such a great loss doesn't all come out like a huge, wailing pain but like a dull roar that you carry around inside of you all day long. I wonder how long it will take to get over this. At this point it feels like it will never happen.