Dreamingoftiger's coping log

[dreamingoftigers]

As you probably know this is very likely to happen--once you kick him out of your life. Be strong.

 

I think about you and hope for the best for you and your daughter.

 

Isn't this always the way? Want it all and then when you realize you can't possibly have it, want what was best for you in the first place before you threw it away?

 

Thank you for your kind words.

[dreamingoftigers]

It is hard to realize that I still want to hear the magic words. They came and it didn't make a difference. The actions don't match the words. I am told they will. I am always told they will.

 

I have started to realize that my H is no fun whatsoever. I am continually shocked by how much nothing there is between us because we spent so much time together and had such an amazingly close bond.

[dreamingoftigers]

It seems that I am sliding down the slippery slope of depression.

 

On the bright side there was some worry that I might be pregnant but the test came up negative, which is actually okay now because things have been so tough around here.

[dreamingoftigers]

I have started to push more to take care of myself. I have been going for walks when I get to upset or stressed out. I also don't really confront my H with stuff anymore because he just lies or runs away anyways.

 

I told him I don't want to work on our marriage anymore, that I don't want "us" anymore and that I want to just have some peace between us. He seemed okay to oblige this but was very disappointed when I told him I don't want "us" anymore. He told me he wa just starting his recovery and that I should wait to make that decision.

 

I really think I have given about four too many chances. I don't think he is honest or trustworthy and I am not about to put myself in a position to be gaslighted again.

 

Last night he suggested we try to cheer up so we went to a comedy club. I had fun watching the show and my H tried to engage me the whole time and even be physically affectionate with me. I didn't give any false hope the whole time, I just wanted to have peace and just let us be.

 

But I screwed up after. We were on the way home and he reached across to kiss me and I haven't had any real contact with another human being besides my daughter for the past week and I let him. He kissed me like he has NEVER kissed me before. I had not been kissed like that since I was with my ex.

 

One major complaint I always kept to myself is that my H is a horrible kisser (and quick too). It felt really amazing. Then I realized what a mistake it was because it made me feel really emotional and vulnerable and he really does treat me like dog poop. Then I felt sick.

 

I did go to bed feeling a little better though.

[MrsPeaSoup]

I did go to bed feeling a little better though.

 

Even after everything you've been through this week, I want to say to that:

 

Good for you.

 

I really hope you had a proper night of rest, that is a real luxury; to actually be able to sleep.

[dreamingoftigers]

Thanks for posting up. This doesn't seem to be the mot heavily trafficed of the "logs" but I keep writing it for myself to keep centered and for some nuggets of feedback so folks can set me straight if I get dumb.

 

The one major joy of today has been my daughter. She is so happy and so much fun. My avatar has an awful picture of her but it is a flattering one of me She has been waving and shaking with me today, at 10 months old she is such a great blessing. I really don't want mine and my H's issues to take hold of her, especially at this young age. I love being a mom. They told me for 10 years that I would not be able to, so she is a real surprise and blessing.

 

My H and I had more of a down day. Sort of a fallout after last night. He kind of figured everything was okay after the kiss. I had to tell him that no it was not and that I have grown very tired of playing his fool about every six months. I also told him that he is a very good storyteller because I buy it every time.

 

He had told me earlier on in the week that I may not be able to believe what he has to say anymore but that he would be changing and recovering and that I could watch the changes. As of today I noticed that he is not checking in with me and has only attended one meeting this week (the day he got caught again). Glad to know the BS need not extend to months this time and that my feeling at the beginning of the week was not only justified but bang-on.

 

Things aren't what I want them to be, but I won't lie to myself in hope anymore.

[dreamingoftigers]

I just feel very deprived today. There were supposed to be dyed easter eggs and I dressed my daughter up very cute.

 

Then i got in a fight with the H. I think us living together even in separate rooms may not be workable.

 

he has told me that he simply doesn't have he energy to lie to me anymore and has been making a solid recovery effort the whole last week.

 

I told him I don't believe him anymore and he mentioned that he doesn't expect that and that there is nothing he can do about that.

 

I realize that I do have a character problem because I don't want him to just get better, I really want him to SUFFER like I have been. Even in the last week he has seemed pretty happy-go-lucky and i really want him to feel just like I do, that he is emotionally and intimately starving to death.

what this tells me is that I am still very hung up on this and I wish I wasn't. I resent him so much. I wish his self-worth reflected mine.

 

I might be wrong but I think if I put some more space between us that maybe some of the feelings might dry up a little more and then i will have the strength and energy to deal with all of this much better.

[candymoon]

Happy Easter DoT.

 

I read your log everyday, and oddly, your situation is so similar to mine (yet in many ways different), I can't quite find anything to say.

 

As you, I think of living seperately, and am leaning towards that being a good idea (for your situation and mine). Space from them would give us space to think, to find ourselves... though the idea is very scary. Being alone and with a child is a very scary prospect! I know if it were just me, the D would have been final and I'd have started re-discovering life years ago.

 

If you two are arguing constantly or if you feel it is that way, maybe you should give the idea deeper thought and make plans to get him out. At the least, further arguments and venom and your constant rage towards him (though justifiable) even if you are not arguing verbally, is not good for the kid. As young as she is, she feels it. Feels when mommy is sad, or angry, or upset. It's in everything we do and being the sponges they are they soak it up. Goodness knows how they process that in the long term....

[dreamingoftigers]

I went completely mental yesterday....

[dreamingoftigers]

I am taking a break from LS. I have been trying to get over my computer addiction and I am spending way too much time on here.

[dreamingoftigers]

back for just a couple of minutes.

 

I have not entirely shut out my marriage yet but I can see the active gaslighting attempt still going on. I have no idea what the hell for though.

 

clearly this marriage isn't about sex for him. or respect and honesty is an f-ing joke. so why bother trying to lie and stay in the marriage? Why act like things are getting better and you are so in love if you aren't?

[dreamingoftigers]

Well things have been getting better for my daughter and I. Her happiness is returning and she isn't having as many angry frustrated cries. there was nothing more heartbreaking then seeing her regress (as my therapist put it)

 

she is so pretty and i love her so much. her dad is paying more attention to her and she loves him so much.

[GrayClouds]

DoT, can I ask you a question,know your husband for who he is, the likeliness he's not going to change, what do you want from the relationship and how do you think it is best to get it?

[dreamingoftigers]

If my husband does not change (my money is on that) then there is nothing left of our relationship. There is no respect, honesty, sexual intimacy, or real affection that can be had without anxiety. We may be able to talk about the weather and the news headlines together. Those don't particularly interest me anymore just because they are things that we used to discuss together.

 

The only things really left in our relationship would be a financial arrangement and co-parenting our daughter. Since he has been unstable it is unlikely these would go on for an indeterminate amount of time.

 

The only thing really left in my relationship without change is the ghost of my husband, the man I married. It is very hard if not impossible to live with someone that is the shell of who they once were.

 

I keep waiting to have some breathing room to think about this but I am finding that I need to create my own. Separate bedrooms have been a blessing because I can finally sleep instead of lying awake night after night.

[dreamingoftigers]

Well I keep plugging away, my husband is still in recovery. He has supposedly done 2 weeks of work and went to counseling yesterday.

I am going to my own recovery for co-dependency. I realized that I have cried everyday over our relationship for over a year and either way I am looking forward to the suffering ending. I hate this.

[BlueeyedJonesy]

((((((((DOT)))))))))))))

I can't even read all the way through this because it makes me cry..its like reading something I've written myself. The pain you are going through is something I went through for years with my H. He was in denial for about 4 years..he didn't think he had a problem. I hurt, everyday..I still do. We had our dday 6 months ago..I told him I wanted a divorce. He lost it, and for the first time in our 6 yr relationship he found a counselor, he did the research and looked up "signs you are a sexual addict" he did everything possible to fix things..but like you, I was already gone. I still am. He has been in IC for 6 months he started 12 step 2 weeks ago and he is doing good..BUT I am no longer a woman who believes in people, at least not at the moment..I know that he could be lying. He could be back on AFF looking for local singles. I know that this is a possibility..but I'm slowly starting to have some faith in him again. I unpacked my bags and decided to stay..Its been hard but I'm happy with my decision.

 

I know the hopelessness you are feeling and that is the worst part, you have to go on and pretend like your fine with your kids....

 

I hope you know that you do have control over this situation, you have control over your happiness..your H is sick and if he isn't willing to help himself then you can't kill everything inside of you over it. I hope that things work out for you and your little girl. PLEASE pm me if you want to talk.

[You Go Girl]

Well I don't have to write a log, because you've written it for me.

 

My roommate, as I now call him, has been lying to me for all of our 6 married years of hell.

I realized, but was paralyzed to leave, less than a year into the marriage. We moved to a city where I knew no one, yanked my daughter out of her high school and into a new one, and there was no way I could yank her out again. She even told me so when I started ranting about leaving him.

So I felt stuck.

I spent 5 years in a deep abyss of depression. I am just starting to come out of it, but so slowly, as I still live with him, (hopefully not for long) although I've been on the couch for a solid year.

The thing to realize is that he never was the man you THOUGHT you married. He always was who you see today, just that he successfully hid that side of himself from you.

These people are selfish to their very core.

That's really hard to believe, especially if they were mr. charisma, mr. very generous, etc., during the courtship.

He'd still be mr. generous, mr. personality, etc., IF I would let him have his porn girls, let him lie to me, let him get drunk several days a week, and turn a blind eye.

It hurts. It's depressing, so very very depressing. Pulling my head out of the sand is very difficult because there is an addiction on my side--addicted to him. I think you suffer from the same disease. For some reason, he has a personality that I HATE and LOVE at the same time, and I am more passionate about him than anyone I have ever known, EVEN THOUGH I despise his selfishness. I feel like a willing mental institution inmate.

[dreamingoftigers]

Thank you both for posting up on my log. I really appreciate it. A lot of people give people like us hell for not being "liberated thinkers" etc. But really we have lost so much of our lives for something that we would not have even imagined so much as 25 years ago

[dreamingoftigers]

((((((((DOT)))))))))))))

I can't even read all the way through this because it makes me cry..its like reading something I've written myself. The pain you are going through is something I went through for years with my H. He was in denial for about 4 years..he didn't think he had a problem. I hurt, everyday..I still do. We had our dday 6 months ago..I told him I wanted a divorce. He lost it, and for the first time in our 6 yr relationship he found a counselor, he did the research and looked up "signs you are a sexual addict" he did everything possible to fix things..but like you, I was already gone. I still am. He has been in IC for 6 months he started 12 step 2 weeks ago and he is doing good..BUT I am no longer a woman who believes in people, at least not at the moment..I know that he could be lying. He could be back on AFF looking for local singles. I know that this is a possibility..but I'm slowly starting to have some faith in him again. I unpacked my bags and decided to stay..Its been hard but I'm happy with my decision.

 

I know the hopelessness you are feeling and that is the worst part, you have to go on and pretend like your fine with your kids....

 

I hope you know that you do have control over this situation, you have control over your happiness..your H is sick and if he isn't willing to help himself then you can't kill everything inside of you over it. I hope that things work out for you and your little girl. PLEASE pm me if you want to talk.

 

DAMN THAT AFF! He went on a few different ones. He started his 12-step but he doesn't take it seriously at all. Our therapist has been insisting that he go to at least two meetings a week. He has been to one in 3 weeks. the last time I caught him. He says he hasn't acted out in 3 weeks but who really knows, he has been so full of it for so long.

 

I figured this week that I absolutely cannot trust him until he is at least accountable to someone. He tried telling me last week that he didn't need a sponsor because if he gets too triggered he'll just phone me. I told him that I didn't want to be his accountability partner AT ALL, I have enough to deal with.

 

I am not emotionally or financially equipped to move out on my own with my daughter right now so I have decided to spend until next March doing everything I can to improve my situation and be ready to have a healthy relationship with someone, whether it be my husband (if he gets his act together) or someone else.

 

I have discovered that sharing my pain with him is completely ineffective in providing any motivation for him to get healthier, or becoming a better dad. He simply doesn't care. Not a good candidate for a relationship.

 

He tells me the most important thing is that he isn't acting out anymore. It may sound weird, but it actually isn't. If he was working his program and being trustworthy and accountable and struggling with acting out, he would actually be further ahead then not acting out and not working his program.

 

He isn't doing anything to heal and I know that emotionally I need to back away from him. The ironic part is the less I have to do with him, the more he seems to want my companionship. There seems to be this weird denial part that believes he and I will be friends and I will just endlessly love someone that treats me like dog poop. I have gotten so sick of investing in a relationship that provides only substantial losses. I am going to spend the next year investing in myself and my daughter. Those investments will provide better returns.

 

At least we got our second vehicle plated today and I do not have to drive him to work anymore.

[dreamingoftigers]

I am just importing this bit from another thread. Just because it is my darn thread and I'll throw it in if I want to:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t226836/

[dreamingoftigers]

Wrong one, but that's a good thread too.

 

Here's my import: (Not in response to YGG and BEJ, just from another thread)

 

Ladies,

 

the peculair behaviour and perfectionism is DIRECTLY linked to the porn.

 

The porn floods these guys heads with dopamine for a high (which inhibits oxytocin, just in case you are wondering is the love and bonding hormone) when they are not in their high state they get INCREDIBLY TESTY AND ANNOYING.

 

Focus on every stupid imperfection they can find. If the porn goes and they start to smarten up, they actually lose some of the dopamine (they get depressed for a bit without the high) then they get the oxytocin back and start actually liking their SO again. IF YOU CAN GET THEM OFF OF THE PORN. GOOD F ING LUCK!

 

My H has been off of the porn for 3 weeks and this time I actually believe him because the depression is quite pronounced and a lot of the perfectionistic behaviours are starting to go. Furthermore, seems to be trying to bond with me (I am REALLY sick of his S though).

 

The funny part of all of this is that he started a job a month ago. He works for a porn addict. (Surprise, surprise) He can't take it My H calls me and tells he how tempermental the guy is and perfectionistic, he won't explain things and then expects everything great, or he gets irritable. :lmao:

 

I kind of said, "see, it's real fun eh? Try living with it."

[dreamingoftigers]

Things appear to be calmer today, we are just having a relaxing day and playing peek-a-boo with our daughter.

 

Looks like he'll be off to a meeting tonight. we'll see we'll see.

[dreamingoftigers]

Went to his meeting last night, nothing much to report.

 

I have been up all night very stressed out about tonight's counseling appointment. I have been very freaked out that our counselor will tell us to separate, we have just started pulling some very tender threads of our relationship back into place and doing a "healing seperation" will rip them apart.

 

Our daughter was so happy to see us being close with one another yesterday on the recommendation of our counselor. I kind of thought it was bs, just something to say, but our little girl was actually very smiley and cute.

 

I have decided to make this my Get Myself Better Log

 

Some of the goals I want to accomplish are:

 

lose weight

work my SA and S-Anon steps

look at getting back to school or improving my business

keep the house cleaner

attend church more regularly and read my scriptures

become more of a strong role model for my daughter

 

I am going to start reading Body For Life and following through on the steps. I hate how out of shape I am.

 

These things will help prepare me for being in a healthy relationship regardless of whether or not my husband works out his issues. If he wants our marriage and does the appropriate steps, great. If not that will suck but I will be in a much better place emotionally, spiritually, physically and hopefully financially to find love elsewhere.

[dreamingoftigers]

Today I went to the gym, read some more on self-regulating and the pitfalls that can happen. I cleaned up a bit and made sure to spend time with my daughter. I put a great effort into eating better (we'll see at dinner) and I took my Fish Oil. I feel a lot better and a lot more confident.

[dreamingoftigers]

Took my fish oils again and I can feel my mood stabilizing. This is the second day in a row that I have not cried. Skipped the gym but worked really hard today. Over the next couple of days I will likely have 12 hour days so I won't be able to go. Very hectic here. Trying to work things out has been very difficult without working on myself first so I am glad that I am reinvesting.