UPDATE!! Am I making another mistake by trying too hard

[distraught]

More confusion than ever!!!!! god how i hate this...........

 

I took all your kind advice and went onto the marriage guidance web site. it was very interesting and actually gave me some hope for a while.

 

the thing is that i am not sure exactly where i am with my wife, i told her that i would love to try again and after reading the guidance i thought i had found a similar situation to us which would help us both, so i asked her to read it.

 

Our situation is lover is not, as far as i am aware, still on the scene, they finished it a week ago and she is apparently in the mourning stage for him, cravings etc, according to the web site.

 

Anyway the piece i found described this perfectly so i sent it to her to read. She told me on the phone that she had recieved it and that she had read it quickly!!! and that she would read it again when she had some more time!!!!

 

Now the problem i have and again my own insecurities don't help me here is that the piece was based on the fact that the cheating wife wanted to try again with her husband, she just needed help on how to get that going, lots of similarities in the piece that do meet our situation but this bit i feel is the main point.

 

the thing here is that each time i talk to my wife about trying again she keeps saying she does not know where she is and cannot say to me that she wants to try again, she wants to clear her mind so she makes the right decisions.

 

this is what is so hurtful and confusing, why is she not willing to at least have another go unless she truely does not love me.

 

what do i do ....i have had a really bad night and spent most of it trying to figure out what is best for me.

 

i love her and want her back but i cannot even begin the healing process until she says she wants to. the thing is my pain and suffering is not having a chance to subside whilst i am kept in this limbo position.

 

So should i just keep hanging on in there and hope that she eventually decides to try again or should i steel myself to the worst and start to move on.

 

Should i just confront her and put it all on the line. saying something like 'i need something to hold onto in this time of real hardship' or 'if you cannot see a path for us to travel together can you finally let me know so i can find a path of my own. or words around that theme.

 

again your advice would be much appreciated as i know some of you are having to deal with the same path of life i am currently undertaking.

 

thanks again it all helps.

[Kay]

I've been in a similar situation and the only advice I can give to you is to back off completely and give your wife time to figure out what she wants to do. All the helpful books and articles in the world won't be of use to her until she decides to recommit to your relationship. That is something you do not have control over.

 

I do not mean to tell you to stop reading anything and everything that brings YOU comfort or helpful information. Just try to understand that she is likely not in the same place as you are or does not have the same agenda yet. That is not to say that there is no hope. There is always hope. But only you can decide how long you can wait and be patient.

 

In the meantime, focus on yourself. Make a point of rediscovering the person you are, or who you always wanted to be. Maybe you've always wanted to take a class, go back to school, start a hobby, begin an exercise routine ... whatever YOU want. Now is the time to do that.

 

In my case, once I stopped obsessing over what my husband was going to do or not do, and redirected all that energy on myself, my husband found it easier to get closer to me. I found that the further I backed away, the more he came forward. I truly believe he sees me in a different light now and we are making progress. It's taken us 2 years, however. That may be longer than you are willing to wait. Again, it is up to you. If you don't want a divorce, don't file. If you don't want a separation, don't separate. Leave this up to her. My guess is that once she sees that you have stopped trying to engage her, she will find it easier to reevaluate her feelings for you.

 

Keep in touch. I care. Kay

 

Show your wife by your actions that you are carrying on, regardless of what she decides she wants.

[Kay]

I've been in a similar situation and the only advice I can give to you is to back off completely and give your wife time to figure out what she wants to do. All the helpful books and articles in the world won't be of use to her until she decides to recommit to your relationship. That is something you do not have control over.

 

I do not mean to tell you to stop reading anything and everything that brings YOU comfort or helpful information. Just try to understand that she is likely not in the same place as you are or does not have the same agenda yet. That is not to say that there is no hope. There is always hope. But only you can decide how long you can wait and be patient.

 

In the meantime, focus on yourself. Make a point of rediscovering the person you are, or who you always wanted to be. Maybe you've always wanted to take a class, go back to school, start a hobby, begin an exercise routine ... whatever YOU want. Now is the time to do that.

 

In my case, once I stopped obsessing over what my husband was going to do or not do, and redirected all that energy on myself, my husband found it easier to get closer to me. I found that the further I backed away, the more he came forward. I truly believe he sees me in a different light now and we are making progress. It's taken us 2 years, however. That may be longer than you are willing to wait. Again, it is up to you. If you don't want a divorce, don't file. If you don't want a separation, don't separate. Leave this up to her. My guess is that once she sees that you have stopped trying to engage her, she will find it easier to reevaluate her feelings for you.

 

Keep in touch. I care. Kay

[Kay]

OOOPS! Sorry for the repeated post! Don't know how that happened?!?

[distraught]

Thanks for that Kay...nice to know someone cares!!!

 

i have been thinking about it again today and have decided that i have now made my position clear and that it is down to her to decide what she wants ( pretty much your advice i know).

 

so i will go back to trying to rediscover the person i was always meant to be but got lost in my charge to provide a life for my family.

 

i know it will be hard not to keep wanting to push her for a decision but i now realise that the truth of the matter is i can only state my case and wait to see if that is worth something to her.

 

I am so glad that you are moving on so well, 2 years seems a long time to me but i guess it would as at the moment 24 hours seems a lifetime.

 

but i am also intelligent enough to know that eventually no matter what the outcome i will survive. it just seems at the moment a particularly long way away.

 

still as Bon Jovi says 'Keep the faith'

 

thanks for your post it really has helped today...:-)

 

Andy

[will_woman]

Start to be good to yourself......you must loved yourself more than ever.

You will be fine at the end of the day.....everyone can survive such storm.......

[carra]

i know how you feel, i recently went through the same thing w/ my hubby during the holidays. he seperated from me baically telling me we were over.

 

i was in a new area(had just moved) i was basically siting on cushios on the floor(couch wouldn't fit in apartmen) i had 2 tv channels and they were fuzzy. anyway, i spent most my time at work, or on my cell phone. i acted really desperate toward my husband at first. i tried reconciling w/ him twice, but his heart wasn't in it, so the next day he would run . we were seperated for two mnths, until he realized he really did want to be with me, after i left him alone for about three weeks w/ no contact.

 

during my seperation i really began focusing on my self, and realizing what made me happy, and my goals. i also looked to God for guidence and support. just the thought of knowing that i was going to make it and i was happy.

 

even though my hubby said hurtful things and calimed to not love me anymore, i knew deep down they were just words. i looked inside my heart for the answers, and it has no failed me.

 

i believe if you leave your wife alone, she will miss you and start thinking about you more positively. when you talk to her act supportive, but neutral. don't get all mushy, and do not try to force her feelings for you, because it will only be temporary.

 

god bless, i hope everything works out for you. just have faith.