Getting married in 5 days

[Ashkayi]

I'll try to make this quick, I just need advice on how to solve a problem.

My fiance is not the typical understanding man. Today when he got up for work, he got up and told me to print out a map for people at work for our wedding. He told me he asked me last night and i told him that i was out of ink. I explained to him when he asked. Today he was less than understanding telling me that i didnt tell him that, *thats what he does, he plays it down as though it was my mistake everytime*.. Then he gets mad at me because I tell him that he sat on his computer for almost 7 hours last night and didnt even bother with it. Ive asked him to help me with music, to which he says, i will, and then ignores me. If i turn around and ask him a question while hes on the computer playing his games he acts like he gets mad at me and treats me horribly because of it. Well now hes not talking to me. He wont call me from work, and he wouldnt even barely speak to me.

So now what?? What do i do? Do i text him and say anything to him, or just let him stay mad? i dont know what to do.. I know if i message him he'll say something hateful and hurtful and im not ready to hear that only days before our wedding.. Im sick of the internet and games being more important than me, and i want to know what i need to do..

 

Thank you

[Enema]

Sounds like you shouldn't be getting married.

[Ashkayi]

You wouldnt be the first to tell me that.. But I dont know how else to handle the situation. I want to marry him, we already have everything paid for and everything, i just dont understand how someone could get so angry and mad at me for nothing, when i had every right to be upset. I'm tired of doing everything, so ive come to the conclusion that im just going to stop doing everything. And only do what i need to do for me, and hopefully he'll start realizing and maybe change?????? I dont know.

[quankanne]

what is so important about being married to someone who obviously doesn't respect you that it can't be pushed back or even called off? Yes, you've invested money in this celebration, but compared to a life of misery and potential abuse (and your original post sent up a big red flag), lost deposits and purchased stuff for a wedding is a small price to pay.

 

frankly, you deserve better than to be shackled in a relationship with this guy, because nothing justifies you staying with him.

[2sunny]

what is so important about being married to someone who obviously doesn't respect you that it can't be pushed back or even called off? Yes, you've invested money in this celebration, but compared to a life of misery and potential abuse (and your original post sent up a big red flag), lost deposits and purchased stuff for a wedding is a small price to pay.

 

frankly, you deserve better than to be shackled in a relationship with this guy, because nothing justifies you staying with him.

 

i agree. don't get married to a selfish, self centered jerk who looks like he's abusive and manipulative.

 

that is only signing up for misery - you can get out now. otherwise you only have yourself to blame if you are so desperate to be married that this is what you choose for yourself.

 

choose wisely - this is not what a healthy relationship looks like.

 

why do you not expect more for yourself than this abusive behavior?

[Ashkayi]

Alot of things have come to light in the past few months. He can be really sweet when he wants to be but its usually to get his way with something. I dont understand how someone would want to marry me, if they cant even respect me enough to help me when I ask, or just pay attention to me, instead of sitting on the computer for up to 9 hours on the weekend on any given day when his children arent here. I dont understand it. I dont treat him bad, and i dont make him as miserable as he says, he literally tells me hes sick of me, when we have arguments because hes so fed up and tired of it. And all i'll say is something like

All you do is sit on the computer all day and he'll say, fine i'll sell is, and im selling yours.

So ive made up my mind to not call or text him while hes at work, hes been at work for the past 3 hours and hasnt texted me or called me, and he wont apologize, which he really shouldnt, because i blew up on him, but can you blame me?

[2sunny]

Alot of things have come to light in the past few months. He can be really sweet when he wants to be but its usually to get his way with something. I dont understand how someone would want to marry me, if they cant even respect me enough to help me when I ask, or just pay attention to me, instead of sitting on the computer for up to 9 hours on the weekend on any given day when his children arent here. I dont understand it. I dont treat him bad, and i dont make him as miserable as he says, he literally tells me hes sick of me, when we have arguments because hes so fed up and tired of it. And all i'll say is something like

All you do is sit on the computer all day and he'll say, fine i'll sell is, and im selling yours.

So ive made up my mind to not call or text him while hes at work, hes been at work for the past 3 hours and hasnt texted me or called me, and he wont apologize, which he really shouldnt, because i blew up on him, but can you blame me?

 

oh my - this is worse than i thought.

 

YOU are the only one you can control - what are YOU going to do?

 

getting married to someone who treats you with such disrespect and disregard is not the answer!

 

you are in for a long miserable life - i guarantee it! he's sweet on occasion so that you will take more of his crap.

 

get out - RUN - and RUN FAST!

 

you don't owe anyone else explanations - just be sure to get out!

[norajane]

Alot of things have come to light in the past few months.

So now that you have a more clear view into his character, why do you want to marry him?

 

It doesn't matter why he wants to marry you when he doesn't respect you - he is probably getting something he wants from you: sex, someone to do his bidding, housekeeper/cook, sex, someone to care for his kids/have more kids with...

 

Buy why do YOU want to marry him when you SEE what kind of guy he is? Do you really want to sign up for a lifetime of this kind of treatment?

 

If you marry him, I hope divorce is accepted and easy in your culture. Because that is how miserable you will be, if you aren't already. You are going to feel so trapped and he is going to step all over you.

 

If you think it's complicated calling off the wedding, just wait until you have to divorce. That is far more complicated.

[confused and broken]

I have to agree with everyone

What are you doing???

You have so many doubts!!!

You are already having problems now is not the time to tie the knot

Now is the time to move on with your life

[Ashkayi]

I just cant figure out what ive done to be so disrespected and to have regard for anything...

And the more you guys bring up different highlights, the more i see...

Its just so sad that ive been with him almost 3 years, and his family is nothing like him, and he cant even take five minute to even pay attention to me. Im the pretty girl everyone wants to date and he cant stand it. People ask me daily why im with him, why i put up with him, why i even bother.. and i tell them its because i love him. When all he does is use me.. I just dont know what to do, my situation is far more complicated than just stopping the wedding and getting out. We have so much debt together already, we have bought a house a few years ago..but yeah i see, all i am is someone to make his ex wife mad, and someone he can use to make his friends jealous.. The only conversations we have is him talking about what i need to do for him(sexually), and even then he tries to rush it so he can get back online and play his games... Im just a mess right now..

[Ashkayi]

Yeah the bad thing is is that was the only thing he had to do, was pick out the music, pick the honeymoon, and get the tuxes and car. Thats it, and his dad did the latter two.. I pretty much picked the honeymoon and my own music. He just sits on his computer with his headset on , playing his games with his friends and could care less what i had to say or what i had to do, he does NOTHING around the house, unless his dad comes over and makes him.... His own mom said i shouldnt marry him until he changed, but they are the very ones who tell me if it wasnt for me, he wouldnt be the person he is now, apparently he was FAR WORSE than this.. I just dont know.. I dont understand how someone can make me out to be this person that im not, but all it is is that he cant get over his ex wife and how she treated him.. or whatever... ugh..

[2sunny]

I just cant figure out what ive done to be so disrespected and to have regard for anything...

And the more you guys bring up different highlights, the more i see...

Its just so sad that ive been with him almost 3 years, and his family is nothing like him, and he cant even take five minute to even pay attention to me. Im the pretty girl everyone wants to date and he cant stand it. People ask me daily why im with him, why i put up with him, why i even bother.. and i tell them its because i love him. When all he does is use me.. I just dont know what to do, my situation is far more complicated than just stopping the wedding and getting out. We have so much debt together already, we have bought a house a few years ago..but yeah i see, all i am is someone to make his ex wife mad, and someone he can use to make his friends jealous.. The only conversations we have is him talking about what i need to do for him(sexually), and even then he tries to rush it so he can get back online and play his games... Im just a mess right now..

 

you've done nothing to deserve how he disrespects you... that is HIS behavior... and YOU can say NO MORE! you should.

 

no one deserves this.

 

get out. sell the house. divide things. it's easier to leave now than after you're M.

 

YOU need to find a boundary that keeps you happy, healthy and safe. start by leaving him and never looking back - always forward.

[Ashkayi]

Yeah ive always felt that way. Especially when we are around other people he shows me im there, but as soon as we are alone, its right back to criticizing how i drive, or what i do, always asking me questions, are you sure? or really?

Scenario from today: I woke him up at 130pm and told him the time. He has to leave for work at 2:00.. So he gets up and my youngest daughter wasnt here today so i got to sleep in a while, and my oldest was in school.. So he tells me i need to print out maps.. And i just woke up myself. I told him, that i didnt have ink.. He said, I asked you last night, which he did and in the chaos of just ignoring me and playing his game, he didnt hear me when i told him the ink was gone. So i get aggravated because thats what he does, he waits till the last minute to do something and puts it off on me. I told him he had all day yesterday after church to do it but he chose to sit on that game all day, and he got angry.. He kept saying something like, look at you look how youre acting, and i said whatever, and i turned the computer on.. He said if you write it down i;ll rip it up, and i told him, if i write anything down it wont me for you.

And he stormed out and went down stairs. He hasnt spoke to me since 210 when he said i love you and see ya later when he slammed the door and left for work. The man who is suppose to take the picture at the wedding called and i told him i havent even been able to get himt o sit down and write anything about the pictures he wanted. And he told me to have him call so i sent him a text with the number and he hasnt spoken to me since.

How do you treat someone this way, and his excuse will be because i was out of line, blah blah blah, the he wasn't going to have HIS day ruined by calling me, i already know what hes going to say before he says it. It never changes. So i have fought the urge to text him and tell him what i think, but i know it would do no good... So how to do fight this anxiety and just go on with my day.. I know the obvious.. But its just nice to get it out there, that way i can reassure myself that its not me.. Because you dont know how often i get treated like crap and told its all my fault.

[BB07]

This is going to sound cruel and mean but I remember your prior posts Ashkayi and you were complaining about what an abusive asshat this man was/is.......so it's like this. You are here again complaining about it, so I don't get it. You are marrying him with your eyes wide open and you are damn sure old enough to know better. It's a mistake and you know it.....and if you do it anyway, then you are going to pay the price.

 

Geez woman wake up and smell the damn coffee and don't screw up your life. It's a lot easier to walk away now then later. Obviously from your postings you aren't stupid, so don't act like you are.

[norajane]

Look, here's what you need to do.

 

Pack a suitcase with your valuables, important documents (bank statements, passport, etc.) and some clothes. Call your mother and tell her you that you are canceling the wedding and coming home. Tell her you need her help.

 

Tell mom what an ass this guy is and you finally understand why everyone has been telling you he's no good for you. Ask her to help you cancel the wedding.

 

Do NOT marry this man.

 

Everything else can be sorted out, one way or another. But do not legally tie yourself to this loser.

[2sunny]

stop crying the same story over and over - and start DOING something!!!

 

what are YOU going to do about it?

[Ashkayi]

Because I wanted it to work. And i wanted to make it work.. And i know now that it wont. I guess i need to start talking to family and starting doing something now. Thank you.. Thank you all.. Cruel or not, i needed to hear it. thank you.

[TaraMaiden]

Ok.... two pages of posts, and here's the weird thing.

not one - not a single one - has actually stopped to think about giving you ideas for a compromise, or how to maybe try to turn this around, to try to make it work, and communicate together effectively to salvage this, and make your wedding day wonderful instead of woeful...

 

And you know what?

I'm not going to do that either.

 

It's a thread where amazingly, everybody is agreed.

 

I'm presuming you're going to be getting ready in different buildings on your wedding day....

Be sure to be where you're going, in good time. Grab all the important stuff you've been told to take (important documents, the lot....)

When you reach your pre-wedding place, start ringing all your family and telling them it's all off.

Whilst he's at the place of wedding, you be at the house, getting your stuff out, including your computer - and clear out of there for good.

 

My GOODNESS!! you will feel sooooo good!

[BB07]

Because I wanted it to work. And i wanted to make it work.. And i know now that it wont. I guess i need to start talking to family and starting doing something now. Thank you.. Thank you all.. Cruel or not, i needed to hear it. thank you.

 

 

Ashkayi.........you know that it's not solely one persons responsibility to make something work.......right?

 

Please don't do this....hell will freeze over before this relationship could possibly work out. It will only bring you misery and pain. Men that are loving, do not treat someone like he is treating you. I don't give a rat's ass if he is good to you two days out of the week, the other five days of hell don't make up for it. Relationships have normal ups and downs but not to that extreme. He is an abusive ass! Please........please don't do this.

[Ashkayi]

I know that it isnt worth it and i know its over for us... He called me the inconsiderate one and blamed me for everything.. So yes now i fully know that it will not continue.

[BB07]

I know that it isnt worth it and i know its over for us... He called me the inconsiderate one and blamed me for everything.. So yes now i fully know that it will not continue.

 

 

A big hug to you Ashkayi........I know you are hurting and I'm sorry. Don't do the wedding please..it will just complicate things more. Now start figuring out how you are going to untangle the things you have together or better yet......kick his azz out.

 

You deserve better and someone who truly loves you........BELIEVE IT!!!

[Ashkayi]

A big hug to you Ashkayi........I know you are hurting and I'm sorry. Don't do the wedding please..it will just complicate things more. Now start figuring out how you are going to untangle the things you have together or better yet......kick his azz out.

 

You deserve better and someone who truly loves you........BELIEVE IT!!!

 

I believe it.. We sat down and talked earlier, i left the room and came back and it all hit the fan agian, and he was blaming me, and all i said was that he needed professional help.. ANd he said he wouldnt do it for me or anyone else and that if i chose to do it he would leave and stormed off... So i think that pretty much says, he has a problema nd hes not willing to admit it.. So yes.. its off..

[norajane]

So yes.. its off..

 

Now THAT is the smartest thing you have ever done for yourself. Good for you.

[thom3]

This is why parents tell their daughters to do well in school and get a good career... so that they're not beholden to asshats like the OP's fiance.

 

What the OP describes of her relationship is not love, it's a lack of options and imagination at anything else.

[WalkInThePark]

I just cant figure out what ive done to be so disrespected and to have regard for anything.

 

You have nothing done wrong. He is an abuser. Plain and simple. Don't get married to him. Read: "Why does he do that? Into the minds of angry and controlling men" from Lundy Bancroft.

 

Throw him out of your life. You will be a lot happier.