HurtinginVA Posted January 14, 2004 Share Posted January 14, 2004 What am I going to do with myself?? Last night was..........screwy. I couldnt sleep, something was eating at me and I woke H up and told him that we had to talk and he ended getting really pi$$ed We had a wild crazy drunken night Sunday night. 4 bars and 80 bucks at the "sex" store. Need I say more?LOL Well, after that I was kind of feeling like I had been very aggressive sexually/affectionately, so I thought I would step back for a few and see what happened. Well, not much at all happened. Thats what was eating at me. Neither on Monday or Tuesday did we have sex or even french kiss. Sure there was pecks here and hugs there but.......and what was really screwing with my head was this following thought: "I know he did not go and see OW 2 days in a row without kissing her" Nice thought huh? So I woke him up(which he hates when I do that) I told him that I was feeling "unwanted as a wife" that I had backed off to see what he would do etc... He said that he cant just flip a switch inside of him and be how I want him to be. That he felt like "just because he wasnt shoving his tongue down my throat, doesnt mean he didnt passionately kiss me" And then I brought up the above mentioned thought and he got really mad. His response to that was: "You have totally taken that situation the wrong way. First, I will NEVER kiss you, the way I kissed her. I kissed her like she was a little slut. I never kissed her because I was 'happy to see her'. I never kissed her goodbye when I went to work, I never kissed her goodnight. I kissed her in an effort to get laid and that's it. I know that sounds mean, and you dont want to hear it but that's how it was. And, no, I will not kiss you like that. I kiss you because I want to kiss you not because Im trying to get sex from you" I didnt even know how to respond to that. Or how to take it. He said that he wasnt going to dwell on the conversation but he did keep mentioning how he figures nothing he has done has been good enough. I told him that was not the case at all. That I was worried he would kiss/cuddle etc out of a feeling of obligation not because he wanted to. He said that would be lying to himself and me and he's promised not to do that. He does those things because he truly wants to or he wouldnt do them. Now that Ive succeeded in making him feel like his 'affections' arent good enough (what an ass I am) how do I fix this? No easy answer to that one Im sure. Really stuck my foot in that time Link to post Share on other sites
GoldfingerCymru Posted January 14, 2004 Share Posted January 14, 2004 You gotta stop feeling like it is your fault, it isn't and never was. He went to the other woman, remember that!!!!! The bulls**t about treating her like a slut, I don't buy for one minute. Sorry, if you don't want to hear that, but to go with anyone else while in a relationship is inexcusable. Forgiveable, maybe. Your concerns are exactly what I would feel if a woman did it to me. Don't let him walk all over you - that is what it sounds like to me. You are so willing to forgive him, that you have given him the upper hand. Unfortunately, it also sounds like he is using it to his own advantage. I commend you for attempting to save the relationship, but you need to be firm. If he really loved you, then he would sit down and talk it all out to relax your fears, as it was he that did the 'dirty' on you. Link to post Share on other sites
jester Posted January 14, 2004 Share Posted January 14, 2004 Now that Ive succeeded in making him feel like his 'affections' arent good enough (what an ass I am) how do I fix this? Hurting, you need to step back and take a deep, deep breath. During this recovery period emotions and thoughts can be uneven and a bit off center. Focus on the good things: the affair is over, your husband is contrite and still loves you. Also, he still sexually desires you. He appears to be making good faith efforts to change. You must be careful that you don't unwittingly sabotage this healing process. Instead of bringing up unhelpful comparisons with the OW, you should maintain emotional, sexual and intimate connections with your husband. Speak positively to him when he acts in a loving and committed fashion. Reinforce his positive behavior. If he acts badly, nail him. As for your needs, I again recommend that you obtain counseling to help you cope with the emotional costs your husband's affair has exacted on you. A good therapist will give you the opportunity to vent and teach you how you can, with time, move on. And I believe that, with time, your family will recover and move on. Not every affair is a marital death sentence. Link to post Share on other sites
Kriz Posted January 14, 2004 Share Posted January 14, 2004 I completely disagree with and personally resent GoldfingerCymru's opinion. This doesn't mean you're not entitled to ventilate your insights here, but do consider the husband's feelings as well. They need to balance things out. He had an affair. It's going to be a burden for the both of them to carry around. But since it is clear that this couple has decided they want to stay together, the advice we give HurtinginVA should bring them to assesment of their current situation. It's clear she loves him, so the 'hurting' that her leaving her husband or the other way around would be far worse than the pain she experiences in the slipstream of her husbands affair. HurtinginVA, I don't think you are submitting to him any more than he is submitting to you. I fear you both are letting the affair taking control of your relationship. Don't let it hurt you BOTH anymore, because it will live a life of it's own in your heads. You decide how big it is and if it's worth ruining your relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted January 14, 2004 Share Posted January 14, 2004 Hurting You can't keep punishing him over and over. Put yourself in his place - he's working his butt off to regain your trust, and you keep punishing him for his misdeeds even though he's trying real hard to make up for them. He will give up if you don't stop it. Next time you wake up in the middle of the night and are in the midst of turmoil, drag your butt out of bed, turn on your computer, and vent here. Then bite your lip right off, if you have to, to not punish him any more. As for today, apologize to him PROFUSELY. And do something really nice for him - FOR HIM, that is. If he doesn't feel like kisses or whatever, don't demand them. Do what he'd like. What message do you get if you hate when your husband does something but he does it anyway? He hates being woken up but you did it anyway. Don't do it again. Link to post Share on other sites
Errol Posted January 14, 2004 Share Posted January 14, 2004 Originally posted by HurtinginVA Now that Ive succeeded in making him feel like his 'affections' arent good enough (what an ass I am) how do I fix this? No easy answer to that one Im sure. Really stuck my foot in that time There is an easy answer. Print out this thread - you expressed yourself quite well - and show it to him. Tell him that you are sorry that you woke him up and that you want to get some counseling to help you deal with this. Your emotions and random thoughts are not wrong - they are expected in your situation. The way you express them is where you need some help -- there are ways to deal with the pain that won't add confusion or more anger or resentment. A good counselor will help you with this. The next time you feel the need to wake him up, or interrupt him in some way STOP and ask yourself what you want the outcome to be. When you woke him up to talk to him, what did you want to accomplish? What was your goal? And what did you expect him to do or say that would have helped you reach your goal? Was that a realistic expectation? If you feel the urge to call him during the day - what is the call for? What can you realistic expect him to say or do to accomplish the goal of your call? Is that the best way to deal with the situation? Can you achieve the goal without calling him? Like Moimeme said -- come here to LS and vent! Ask yourself these questions before you act. It will help you to adjust your actions so that you have a more positive / productive response. Link to post Share on other sites
kkat Posted January 14, 2004 Share Posted January 14, 2004 Hurting, As you know, I don't have first-hand experience from your side of the table, but I have been in other (healthy, long-term) relationships other than my triangle freakshow, so I'm hoping I can offer some useful thoughts. First - whoa, hang on a second. You are not an ass, and you haven't done anything wrong - just human. And let's get some perspective here -- your marriage shows signs of surviving this affair -- if it can survive that - it will certainly survive your angry wake up call to him last night. So don't panic. Secondly, you are still angry and hurt, and emotions come in waves. Your behavior last night was an outburst of this anger and hurt. You aren't over this yet, and you will not be for a while. I saw an episode of Dr. Phil once where he was addressing men who had cheated on their wives, and he said the husbands have to be willing to deal with the "crap" - the anger, the tears, the suspicions and insecurities, etc. - for as long as it takes for their wives to get through it - because they created it and are responsible. I sounds like your husband really wants to make things work, and you do as well. You are both giving alot right now, but you're still going to have some rough days and nights. This is a process that unfortunately can't happen overnight. Do you write in a journal? I recently started and it is helpful to write your feelings, track how they swing from day to day, week from week, and to see patterns that you can use as opportunities for improvement. It can also be a way to vent your hurt and anger without directing it all at your husband (not that he doesn't deserve it - but it will be more productive if you can control and temper it a bit). I think this guy loves and desires you -- and take it from the OW here -- at the end of the day, he is with you, not the OW like me -- he wants to be with you and he is showing that through his actions. Do something today to make yourself feel GOOD about you -- take out a piece of paper and write down five great things about yourself - your inner and outer beauty, your friendships, that you are a loving mother and a devoted and loyal spouse, that you have great legs, or whatever! Try to build your self-esteem back a bit day by day, and that might go a long way towards you not feeling so bad when he takes a day off not being sexual with you. And besides, it sounds like he's tuckered out from the big night on Sunday! Best, Kkat Link to post Share on other sites
kkat Posted January 14, 2004 Share Posted January 14, 2004 I did have a question -- how do others feel about Hurting showing him this thread? I saw that someone suggested that, but I don't know that she would necessarily want to show him what she wrote in private with others - he might be angry about her posting about him? Not sure - wondered what others might think? Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HurtinginVA Posted January 14, 2004 Author Share Posted January 14, 2004 I love you guys LOL Guess I needed a good spanking for waking him up. I knew better. Guess in some ways I like to aggravate him after all he's done to me. No intentional aggravations anymore. If I feel the urge, I will vent and post....just gotta keep repeating that to myself....vent and post and vent and post Thanks for the advice Link to post Share on other sites
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