Where to start, OM, Divorce??

[minutebyminute]

I started on this site with the other man, wanting to leave my H. and after 8 grueling months after my affair, I feel I can go on and live a life again. Skipping all the issues (told my husband about the affair, ended it with the other man, moved to another state, started over with my husband) I realized I was used by an opportunist (the other man) so he could have a better life. In the after math I figured out a few things for myself:

 

My husband does NOT make me happy, he is negative, lazy, insecure, mean, sarcastic, unmotivated, and depressed.

 

I plan to move again with him to a more stable environment, where we will both have family support with our two children. We are both professional people, but have been caught up in the "economic times", but can work our way through this. My plan is to move, set up house,(kids 10 & 6) make a home for us, and then file. I do not want to live with this person any more.

 

I keep giving it a chance. Today he woke up, came down stairs and had that vibe about him. It made me shake, like a dog who thinks he is going to get spanked for whatever reason. I calmed myself, and said, "just wait it out." Here is my problem. He has made my 10 year old his buddy. Going out of his way to point out my inadequacies, which she believes because she adores her father. My 6 year old isn't so taken.

 

My husband used my 10 year old during the affair, telling her all sorts of things she should never have been privileged to. He has never made any attempt to have friends, so he used my daughter to talk to. I'm not sure how to handle this, it's been 8 months, but needs to be addressed BY ME TO HER, any suggestions are welcome.

 

Anyway, I am afraid to leave my H, for my childrens sake, I was a child of divorce and it was devastating for me. After the children, there has been no violence and minimal verbal abuse, so I can hang on, but until what age for my kids?

 

I want to live, love & laugh SORRY I want to feel and be loved by someone else. I thought my husband was the one for me, but after 25 years, I DO NOT WANT TO GROW OLD WITH HIM, HE WILL NOT TAKE CARE OF ME. I stood by my father as he died a few weeks ago, mom at his side taking care of him because she wanted to, he would never ever do this for me-i want out and now or in the distant future, I just cannot an will not hurt my children.

[Chrome Barracuda]

You claim your husband has many issues, but right now your resentful because he used your daughter during your affair? WTF did you not think he would let her know the truth about what her mother was doing? I would have made a comment to my daughter about the same thing, maybe not so harsh but the truth, nonetheless.

 

Your husband has been through the ringer of what you did to him, he's probably going through his anger phase.

 

What gives you the right to blame your husband for your unhappiness. You are the creator of the happiness within yourself.

 

How long has it been since you ended your affair. Hmmm.

 

I mean there must have been something redeeming about your husband to why you married him in the first place?

 

Sounds to me like your more than a little resentful with the way things turned out. Why didnt you just leave in the first place instead of destroying your marriage the way you did? What gave you the right to have an affair in the first place?

 

P.S. you both need IC, and a great MC. if you dealt with things on the up and up maybe things would be different? Are you in counciling now?

[candymoon]

I am totally opposite to Barracuda's comment... Your husband broke the No. 1 Rule:

 

NEVER use the children as pawns. This will affect her for the rest of her life. This can emotionally devastate her forever... Children are a product of the marriage but not THE marriage. You cheated on her father, not her. She's a CHILD ffs... way too young to be using as a confident. It borders on emotional abuse.

It polarizes the house, parentizes a child, takes away bits of their innocence, pits child against parent, and other children against each other. I've been there done that (see my other thread) with my parents and you end up hating them both as an adult. You husband was being immature. Shame on him and any 'parent' that would do this to their child.

 

Now as for the rest? You've seen what happened when your father passed (condolenses) and that life is short. You dont want to be with him. You've made up your mind... just be prepared and have your ducks in a row. Sounds like this H is not going to work through custody easily with you.

[Meatballsmom]

Rule number 1?

 

I would think that would be to not cheat on your husband, especially with a user such as your OM.

[scatterd]

not to be rude but where is your compassion ,your husband hurts you cheated. marrige is for two partners not one.You owe him this time to heal,he should not confine in your daughter but you should be talk to him you cheated.have yyou gone to counciling that might help.

[AmeliaApple]

Sometimes people's comments (in the reply area) are absolutely fascinating to me...in some, not all, the bitterness is almost palpable. I agree that you should allow your husband some time to process what has happened, but in no way should he use your children has his companions and buddies. He is parent. He should act like one. There is a difference between constructively presenting the facts and lessons learned about a MISTAKE and pitting the child against the parent who did wrong.

 

It sounds as if you have accepted responsibility for your actions. That is a good start. If you aren't already, you may want to go to a counselor. Mine has been very happy. That "vibe" you talked about, I totally get it. I don't think that men fully understand what that is about. When you are the physically weaker individual in a relationship, a person can flex his power and intimidate you with a "vibe". My H does that and some people have commented that, "I shouldn't let him dictate my feelings." Well, I'd like to see how you don't let fear of physical or emotional harm come into your mind if someone was walking around your home with a gun....kind of on the edge.

 

You also sound like you've hit a turning point in your life. I've had a few of those myself recently which is why I'm also taking a good look at my relationships. Despite any resistance you may get for wanting to change your situation, you should contemplate it, find out what you truly need in a relationship, and then take the next step. A question to consider is would you rather have your children see you in a loving relationship with someone else or in a stagnant/begrudging relationship with their father?

[Disintegration]

If you truly are unhappy with your M then you should leave. D is definitely hard on the children however they don't need to grow up in an unhealthy environment of parents not getting along. That is equally as bad. So was it because of your affair you realized your H wasn't someone you wanted to be with, did you compare the two men? Would you have felt this way if you hadn't had an A?

 

I totally understand that a child at the age of 10 shouldn't know the ins and outs of a dysfunctional marriage. I just seriously think your H was in desperate need of someone to be on his side and he was hurt that mommy was having an affair and needed the support of his child. Someone on his team so to speak. Not exactly the best way to go about it but I'm sure he was in a lot of pain and felt helpless.

[linwood]

You claim your husband has many issues, but right now your resentful because he used your daughter during your affair? WTF did you not think he would let her know the truth about what her mother was doing? I would have made a comment to my daughter about the same thing, maybe not so harsh but the truth, nonetheless.

 

 

Really?

 

I find it extremely childish and self serving to drag the children into that situation in such a manner.

 

There is only one reason for doing so and it`s destructive on all fronts.

[unsureLP]

Wow. I hope I don't sound too bitter in this post, but you both f***ed up.

 

My dad was a cheater, my mom used me as her "friend" and confidant. She used to tell me all this stuff about his affair (though I am not sure if she told me everything). Then my dad tried to talk to me and defend himself. It made it worse.

 

The result? I lost my respect for both. Unfortunately my father passed away before we could have a decent relationship again, but I almost felt sorry for him for a long time. My mother is still around but I rarely see her, though I am trying to get over the issues and focus on all the good things she did for me.

 

Basically, I don't know that there's much you can do to undo what both you (through the EA) and your husband (by telling her) have done to your daughter. I hope she'll be ok, she's so young...

[carhill]

he is negative, lazy, insecure, mean, sarcastic, unmotivated, and depressed.

 

OK, good picture. How would you describe yourself?

 

We are both professional people, but have been caught up in the "economic times", but can work our way through this.

 

Sounds like two motivated, positive, successful people.

 

My husband used my 10 year old during the affair, telling her all sorts of things she should never have been privileged to.

 

When was D-day? Was he 'sharing' with DD prior to D-day?

 

After the children, there has been no violence and minimal verbal abuse, so I can hang on, but until what age for my kids?

 

*After* the children....are you saying there was violence and verbal abuse *before* the children? If yes, how long did that go on?

 

I thought my husband was the one for me, but after 25 years, I DO NOT WANT TO GROW OLD WITH HIM, HE WILL NOT TAKE CARE OF ME. I stood by my father as he died a few weeks ago, mom at his side taking care of him because she wanted to, he would never ever do this for me-

 

Genders are reversed and those are your parents. I could share similar stories. It's a different time (your parents generation) and different dynamic. Would you have taken care of H that way? Why?

 

 

IMO, given the dynamic of the A, if you manipulate this situation to get yourself into a more advantageous position to leave, and especially if you wish to extract your pound of flesh from this quarter century marriage, I can almost guarantee you that things will go badly for you. If you think H is mean and sarcastic now, just wait until Plan B and a good lawyer come at you. Nobody, including your kids, will win.

 

How much MC have you and H had?

[candymoon]

Oh Wait! Hold the phone! You said:

 

"After the children, there has been no violence and minimal verbal abuse, so I can hang on, but until what age for my kids? "

 

Well if he has a history of violence and is giving you "that vibe" as you said--LEAVE. You had an A, but if he hit you and beat your prior to that, really, all bets of loyalty and honor are out the door. He destroyed that long ago and you should have left long ago. If he is not in treatment/anger management he will do it again. And he is further proving that he is abusive by emotionally abusing your child in this way.

 

And wtf is "minimal verbal abuse"? It IS verbal abuse... OMG...

 

I mean really, exposing your A to a ten year old, on the verge of puberty, who has no concept of the idea of sex and marriage? Wildly innapropriate and SICK. And if he is a former wife beater? Even worse... he's lucky to have had a family this long, such as it is.

[nobmagnet]

i have one comment...............

 

you are both screw ups.

 

wouldnt waste by breath trying to help.

 

Nobby xx

 

 

yeah so infraction me!!

[hopesndreams]

What have you learned about you these last 8 months since the OM did not rescue you?

 

Why are you going to pretend to be a W for a bit longer? Need time to find the next sucker?

[dreamingoftigers]

Alright:

 

My guess is you had a screwed up marriage to begin with. Just a guess.

 

You decided to escape a you-being-unhappy situation by having an affair.

 

Probably not happy with that either.

 

Made things worse between you and H.

 

Got kids involved.

 

Affair ends.

 

He is not a happy individual.

 

You are not a happy individual.

 

Now you want a D.

 

What you seem to not notice is in all of these things YOU ARE NOT HAPPY.

 

YOU NEED to work on becoming HAPPY. For yourself and your children. Seek some help and recovery. You can bang the victim drum a million times over what a jerk your husband is. Set some FREAKING BOUNDARIES.

 

Say this is what I find unacceptable in our relationship: verbal abuse, talking to our children about things they should not know, any aggressive action. If he responds with "well you had an A." The simple response back is "and it was unhealthy and has caused a lot of hurt, I don't want other unhealthy things to hurt us or our kids."

 

THEN WORK ON YOU being happy. Find a new hobby. Take a bubble bath when he drives you nuts. Don't take his crap and have enough self-respect not to throw crap at him either. You are an adult. Take some responsibility.

 

Not everything needs to go down the tubes every time someone has a mood swing.

[Meatballsmom]

Rewriting our marial history, we are!

 

Husband is mean, negative, sarcastic, unmotivated and depressed. Do you think you chosing to slut around and getting sexualluy used by a player who broke up his family has anything to do with his attitude?

 

And now your future plans, include resettling with your H and filing for D as soon as you get your feet back on the ground

 

Wake up this is all of your doing

[minutebyminute]

I was a stupid girl out of high school when I met my husband. He was a drug user and a heavy drinker. I didn't know about the drugs until way into our relationship, and the alcohol, it was family friendly. His parents were horrible alcoholics, but everyday was a party. I was never exposed to this f-up behavior, have a drink, party life is great. So being the stupid girl, I did what most people would do, I had fun. My husband has been emotionally, verbally and QUITE physically abuse to me in the past. But, I hung on. I took my vows, I didn't want any one to know.

 

The physical abuse stopped after my first child was about 6 months old. By then I was a scared lost person. He did horrible things to me, but I always forgave him because of this or that. He told me basically I was not attractive, fat middle aged and who would want me.

 

I kept up my body, skin, hair for whatever reason, but always felt like the 70 year old in a 35 year old skin. He made fun of my clothes, watched what I ate, made fun of every aspect of my human nature, but I prevailed for whatever reason... Fast forward, after I gave birth, something happened to me, I stood up for myself (1/2 way), then with the second, I started to come into my own.

 

Always being the good wifey, I worked, we had our own business, I covered Him so many times, there is no count. He continued to use pot, and drink heavy, the employees noticed, but I was there ALL the time to make his excuses. Then I would go home and be the house cleaner, play date maker and follow througher and on and on.

 

One day, 25 years into this ****, this man noticed just how beautiful I was, I was shocked and turned on. After months, I went for it. He made me feel wonderful. He gave me a purpose in life, he treated me like the person God meant for me to be. Then it came to me. My Husband was a HUGE BAG OF STINKING, MIND & SOUL ABUSING PIECE OF S*H*I*T!!!

 

I have always been the one to make ANYTHING in our relationship happen, my husband is lazy, negative, blah blah just as I said before.

 

Anything good happens, he is right there to tear me down. He doesn't want me to do well, it takes away from him.

 

I have asked him over and over for a divorce. I tell him I am unhappy, and he couldn't possibly be happy either, but he refuses. Mostly because he is lazy and does not want to start over.

 

He threatens to commit suicide, etc. We have both spent numerous years in therapy, personal only. I tried a marriage counselor and after the third visit, she refused us, yes, she refused to see us, turned to me, shook my hand and said, GOOD LUCK!

 

I talked through my decisions for ending the marriage with my H, he listened and said we could try therapy again, he wasn't going to loose me.

 

I decided I had to give it a shot. I left a man i loved, for my children NOT my husband. We created our children, and I owe it to them to try.

 

We got into it a week ago and he said to me, everything you say is a lie, none of the things you accused me of are true, you are delusional and these stories are fabricated, you tell me right now you will never ever bring them up again. I said **** YOU, you didn't punch me in the face, you didn't spent money we had allowed for groceries and DIAPERS on pot, I can't even go on, it's #1 so disgusting, #2 it makes me look like a fool, #3 he should be in jail.

 

Just so everyone knows, I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO REMORSE FOR MY AFFAIR, AS A MATTER OF FACT, I WISH IT WOULD HAVE WORKED OUT, I LOVED THIS MAN AND STILL DO, BUT I KNOW HE WASN'T MARRIAGE MATERIAL FOR MY CHILDREN. I now know my worth, and it ain't what he is peddling. I deserve to be happy and not scared or uncomfortable in my home. I have lived like this for so long I thought it was normal, until my affair. The OM actually thought I was beautiful and sexy and I am. He thought I was kind and a good mom, and I am. He thought I was smart and a good business woman, and I am. To my husband, as long as he has clean under ware, something to eat and at LEAST a 12 pack of budlight we are doing a minimal job.

 

I want love, trust, mutual understanding, I want to be taken care of and I want to take care of someone. My Husband is unable to provide me with these things. You may say I broke the trust, I did, but he broke me a long time ago, he just didn't get my sole and never will. He didn't break the commandment of adultry, but he broke every other one.

[minutebyminute]

Why are you so hard on me?

Maybe you are a good person on the end the receiving line. . .

I have tried for so long with my husband, I cannot even document it.

 

He has belittled me, hurt me physically-just a few.

Has given me a black eye, made excuses, nephew jumped up and hit me, thrown a glass at me an bruised about half my thigh, punched me in the face and knocked me over a bed, threw me over a chair in front of my 6 month old daughter (too little to remember) called me names, taunted me, made fun of my family, has never attended my children's school activities (oh, I take that back, he had to, my eldest was lead role in a play, I had to work, he tried to get out of it, but no one else to take her so he went and complained and made me miserable for it) first time in 10 years) Still drinks heavily, uses our money for pot even though we are behind in our bills, uses me for any opportunity that comes along whether it is contacting his family for whatever, then sarcastically tells me how inadequate I am at whatever I did. Checks the garbage can regularly to see what i eat, because after all I need to look good, so he has something good to ****, even though he SUCKS at sex and only provides for himself. I mean what do you want from me??? Maybe you were a great spouse, and your other half f-ed you over, but I need real guidance here.

I need my kids to grow up normally, and I need a life too, but am willing to surpass that avenue to make them happy. Just don't understand your responses. It makes me feel really bad about myself, should just blow you off, but you have been with me since the begining and I value what you have to say. Anyway, later

[nobmagnet]

i retract my earlier statement.

 

You need to get as far away from this man as humanly possible. Get advice from a lawyer and get a restraining order ASAP.

 

Sounds to me you already know this. You want whats best for your children? Get out.

 

The affairre aside (which is inexcusable) this relationship is toxic.

 

Hope you find the strength to boot him out:mad:

 

Nobby x

[TroyNJ]

I don't care what your H has or hasn't done, it in no way enables you to justify having the affair. This shows you are a weak minded individual that needs something to believe in...Sorry for being harsh but it is what it is!

 

You leave the marriage first, I don't care what hardship it will create, and oh by the way YOU are useing your kids as an excuse to stay...So exactly who is the pawner here? LOL GROW UP!

[carhill]

OP, do you want to remain married legally for financial reasons and no longer have a marital relationship with your H? If so, you can work that out. You can each move on to healthier personal relationships, keep the businesses together and co-parent the children. That's one option to consider. People do it all the time.

 

Since I'm hearing a lot of anger and resentment, such emotions will be a hurdle to finding a healthy resolution. For me, therapy helped. I don't know if it will help you. Do you feel you benefited from it in the past? My plan, if I were in your shoes, would be to get some IC and then see a lawyer for legal advice on scenarios both to leave *and* to stay together. Look at all your options.

 

Your posts have now outlined both your responsibilities in the breakdown of your marriage. He's responsible for his behaviors and you yours. There's plenty of 'blame' to touch everyone here. Accept that. Own it. Then move forward. You only get one chance at life. Make it count