how do i know if i can trust him again

[terri]

i am 35 years old, i have been married for 16 years with 2 children, whom i love very much.

i really dont know where to start with my story, as things have been hard for many years.

it started about 9 years ago, when i have women ringing the house at 1oclock in the morning asking for my husband, on which he would reply wrong number, i tried to confront him but he gets so angry i get frightened. two months later he leaves and convinces me there was no other woman. After 2 weeks he comes home and things are great i get pregnant have a little girl then things are fine (for a while)!!!!!!.

when my little girl was about 4 years old i start to suspect that something is wrong, he stays out quiet alot, and things start to change at home, he used to tell me he was going out over night fishing until a friend told me he was lying and she had seen him out drinking with other women. i confronted him, and he ended up leaving for 2 months still denying he was having an affair.

i cried for 6 weeks, i was so upset, i couldnt eat crying infront of the children, it was awlful........... i woke up one morning and thought enough is enough so i told him i had a life to lead and two children to look after and that i was applying for a divorce, he turned up the same day crying, and begging me to take him back, it was all i wanted so i took him back with open arms, but must admit things have never been the same since, everytime he goes out i think he is lying to me.........sex is difficult because i think of the things he as put me through.

i am 4 years still in my marriage after this has happened.

12 moths ago i started a new job, as an optical advisor i was so proud of myself as this was something different to me!!!! i had to go on a course away from home for a week. i thoroghly enjoyed it and passed the course i couldnt wait to get home to show my husband the certificate, i ran in to the house but my eldest daughter was only at home, she said "mom i need to tell u something but your not going to like it, ive found dads mobile phone and hes been seeing a lady called debbie, there was lots of messages saying how much she loved him etc...... i was devastated numb to the bone, my daughter being clever had taken her mobile number.

i got in my car went to my father in laws told him what had happened, packed my husbands clothes and took them down to the pub to him........ he was so angry (i was frightened and angry)!!!!

i rang the lady up and questioned her, she said she didnt know he was married he had told her that he had left me but we remained friends for the sake of the children, but she assured me she would never call or see him again.

he cried, told me nothing had happened, that she had pursued him called him all the time.

i endeded up taking him back again........ i know its difficult for people to understand and i cant give no answers why i took him back again.

my mariage is in ruins, im angry sceard and afraid, he tells me now he loves more than anything in the world, i love him to, but not how i should.

how do i get through this, how do i get to believe that he wont do it again, can anyone please give me advice, as im feeling so poorley now, i cant sleep and i dont know which way to turn............... terri xx

[will_woman]

i think you have been over lenient with him.

He is just taking advantage of your kind heart. It's been too many times....enough is enough.

Please think about how you would like to lead your life in future.

Do you wish to live in fear, as glass is already broken for too many times?

I believed you deserve someone much better than him.

I have been through this kind of fear once and going through the divorce now. The agony is really unbearable.

But no worries.....we can storm through it sooner or later.

 

However, if you choose to believe, you must be prepared to receive another blow from him again.......

Take care....

[AprilFool]

Yeah....he's going to do it again: nothing he's done says otherwise. Either accept that he's going to have other women, and love him for who he is, or leave him.

[peakey]

Poor you! I know exactly what you're going through, and I understand totally.

I too took my husband back again and again each time I found out he was cheating/still cheating. I loved him and wanted to believe him. I wanted to believe he still loved me, and I wanted to believe that he was going to be a good guy and not a total jerk. It really is hard to explain why we take them back, it's like you're stuck in some game or something.

 

Your situation sounds a lot like mine, and your husband sounds like mine. My H would refuse to admit that he was having an affair until I could show him proof. Even then he had a way of manipulating things so that it looked less like an affair. And each time it happened, my self-esteem dropped, and I felt more and more of a fool. But because we have children, I found it hard to think about leaving him, because I was scared about how I was going to support them on my own.

 

But enough is enough. It doesn't sound like your husband has any intention of stopping what he's doing, and it seems to have happened so many times, it's obvious that's his way of life. Is that how you want your life to be? Some people can live with their spouse having affairs, and that's fine for them. But if you can't, then please get out of that situation. I know how much you're hurting, and I know how hard it would be for you to leave him, but could life possibly be worse without him? Maybe for a little while because you would miss him (despite his faults and despite what he's done to you). Your struggle is just like mine. In my case, I just got so angry, the anger drowned out any fear I had. We haven't separated yet, but I am totally determined to move on from him. And I'm looking forward to a new, improved life.

 

Whatever you decide, you need to call up all your strength, and hopefully you have friends and family who can help you feel strong.

[xalysabethh]

i dont have any advice and im sorry about the situation your in but i want to thank you guys for posting your stories, I myself am just in a similar situation but im at a crossroads where my husband is saying he's changed he loves me more then anything and he wnats me back. And i've been figthing this in me, i've on one hand always taken him back (he's broken things up with me about 9 times... ugh) but now i am trying to be strong b/c i dont deserve this and neither do my two beautfiul girls. if you decide to stay and trust him you have to know somewhere it could happen again. because after 3 years of thinsg being perfect with me and my husband i got pregent againa nd really believed he'd never leave me again.. then he did. if you decide to leave it is hard but either way i wish you luck

xalysabeth

thanks again.

[TheFaithfulWife]

Terri,

I just finished giving Ello advice on staying with her cheating bf, he cheated once and under extreme circumstances but I would have to agree with the majority in your case.

A husband who cheats more than once or who lies about it when caught probably does not stand a chance of staying faithful.

 

When I confronted my husband he confessed right away, he was deeply upset and he left the house.

 

We reunited only after 4 months of counseling and we have continued to go each week.

 

Should he ever cheat again there would be no more chances, for if he cheated more than once it would show me a pattern that I would assume he would continue.

I wish you luck and wish I had happier advice.

The FaithfulWife

[reservoirdog1]

I'm also a victim of a cheat, only I'm a husband. TBXW had one affair right before the wedding, an 8-month one right after, and then another 3 years ago.

 

The difference is, I didn't know about any of this until this past August. She'd been secretly unhappy the whole time and this is how she dealt with it.

 

Does this suggest a pattern as well? Is this different than somebody cheating, it coming out, all is forgiven, and then they do it again? In my case nothing was forgiven between affairs because I didn't know about any of them.

 

Any thoughts?

[nap]

terri,

 

Damn hard to trust again. Similar situation happened to be...see "Wife Affair still strong".

 

I've been married for 20 years. 1 year ago my wife admitted to an emotional affair (with an ex) approx 16 years ago and a physical affair 10 years ago. In that 10 years we had an additional two children. Marriage has never been a bed of roses but it was OK until the admission.

 

My feelings? Well my whole marriage seems a farce. She only admitted to it now. I've been made a fool of for all this time. I've been the ever faithful husband and if she truly regretted what she did and wanted to make a go of the marriage she had to do two things - admit to the affairs immediately and, - be a married person (that is no going out to night clubs, work as a couple, etc, etc). None of this happened and I get this news slapped on me now-10 years later. What else happened? She says nothing - I don't know and will never be able to trust her unconditionally - unconditional trust is the only way a marriage should be. A marriage cannot work any other way. My problem-I have 2 teenage and an 11 and 9 year old kids. I'm hurt, and the only way forward is to seperate and start again.

 

terri, it seems your husband wants it all (like my wife) until they caught. I committed to the marriage vows..my wife didn't. It seems you did but your husband didn't. When trust in a marriage is broken in a big way such as a planned physical & emotional affair - it is near impossible to fix. If forgiven, the culprit does not suffer any consequence and if you have ever done something which you feared but realised after it was done that is wasn't so bad and everything worked out fine - guess what? - the next time round it will be easier to do. Breaking committments without consequences is like that - the more you do the easier it becomes.

 

I haven't completely made my mind on what to do - although seperating ranks very high. In your case terri....I feel the same for you....you deserve better...hard to trust again.

[Kriz]

You obviously want it to work. I say go for it. You might get hurt, but I have a gut feeling that you value your marriage over the safety from pain. You decide this, and don't let anyone here make that decision for you.

 

Let him read this thread. Show him that everybody thinks you should let it go. Then have a long talk and although he can't give them to you, ask him for reassurance.

[DivaGirl]

While I'm normally one to give people second and even third chances, I keep thinking about your daughters. If they were grown and out of the house, I'd say do what your heart tells you. However, if they're still fairly young and impressionable (and even teenagers are easily impressionable), then you might be sending them the sign that it's alright for men to cheat, and that women should deal with it because of "love". I personally hope you find someone who treats you the way you deserve to be treated.

 

On a side note, if it's true that the other woman didn't know and then broke it off with him, then I commend her for her honesty and morals.