Should I accept invitation to stay with my Ex?

[GwiLo]

Someone might have asked similar questions before, but i've been drifitng in and out of the site all wek and haven't really found anything....Apologies if I go over old ground.

 

I met my girlfriend in the final year of University, and though there wasn't any instant chemistry, it built over time. We went through a lot together, both as a couple, as individuals, personally and secularly. We even built on our relationship when she went working a few hundred miles away, travelled the world together and i was accepted by her family. Mine where anything but supportive over the next two and a half years. But we made it work.

I asked her to marry me one romantic weekend, and all seemed good. 7 weeks later, while I was at a wedding anniversary celebration, she rang and we had something of a falling out over the pressures from my side of the family.

She couldnt see a future if things didn't improve, but didn't want to be the reason my family never talked to me again, didn't want to be the one who made me choose between family and her, but couldn't go on like it was.

I felt the same way, apart from being able to go on. I had always found her to be far stronger than I in this regard, but even I crumbled to hear her say those words.

 

We parted over the phone (i know, bad) and rarely spoke or saw each other, but we were on good terms. When we have met up, it's been really good fun.

I've spent two years now trying to work things out in my own head and with family, but still at least a year from sorting out some things.

All that time, I've wanted her back so badly. She's still wearing my engagement ring, which i stil ldon't know what to make of.

 

I e-mailed her earlier today just to see how things where going, hadn't heard from her in a few months and it's coming up to Chinese new year, which is important to her.

We got into an exchange and i joked that i'd have to come and see how her efforts to make one of my speciality desserts was going.

Her response was to offer a room in her flat and stay with her for the weekend.

 

Given that she knows how i still feel about her and how I am, should I accept the offer? I'd hate to do anything stupid like mention our situation and i'm unsure how i'd be once i got there. I'd love to spend time around her, but i don't know how i should react?

Should i just take it as the friendly gesture it is, but decline without giving a reason or go aong with it and just tread very carefully?

[moimeme]

I realize that family is much more important in some cultures than others but you have loved this person for five years and you're STILL a year away from resolving this? Are people expected to ruin their whole lives just to keep their families happy? Can you not hurry up and resolve this family stuff now? If she's still wearing your ring, that means a lot. I suggest you get moving, be strong, tell your family you're a man now, and go claim your woman.

[SoleMate]

Go.

[darling]

Your foot is in the door, she is asking you to stay with her. GO!!!! Just dont be pushy... Take it one step at a time and give her time and space. TELL HER HOW YOU FEEL!!!! let her know that your family matters to you, but your relationship with her matters just as much. Tell her that you are going to try your best to make it work, and if it doesnt, well, you still want her.

 

~darling

[RobertoPNW]

If she wants intimacy then make it the most loving, romantic experience for HER. Set your needs aside and concentrate on her. She won't forget it.

[GwiLo]

intimacy hadn't even entered my mind- it wasn't what we built our relationship on and i'd hate to think that it would suddenly be all that either of us wanted. If she does want that, I'd really have to think carefully about the morning after feeling for both of us.

 

Moineme questions whether family is that important in the final analysis and how long time has been dragging on for me.

It sounds terribly cold given the depth of feeling I have for my ex, but certain practicalities do exist. I come fom a very 'closed' sort of community, and it's been made clear to me by members of the family that pursuing the relationship wouldn't be accepted. I would no longer be welcome in the house.

At the same time, I'm working off debts acquired the last few years, and i'll be clear in six months, so i can focus on finding somewhere to live. catch 22.

 

I'm still in two very different minds about the offer. The more I think about it, the more I want to accept. I value everyone's view on it. Talking about our feelings might be a good thing - although we talked about it over the phone, it was pretty general stuff - I've never really talked to her about it deeply because of the pain I went through when we split.

 

Do you think it might be an idea to book a hotel room as a back-up in case we fall out or the atmosphere becomes extremely uncomfortable and tense? (oph god, don't i just sound like an terrible pessimist!)

[look forward]

GwiLo I understand that things can be difficult when merging two cultures I have been there myself.. but if you love you ex gf as much as you say you do and think there is a chance of reconiliation then why not go for it.. Its a bit extreme to say that your family would not let you back into the house we are now living in a muti-cultura society surely they realise this and surely its your happiness that they want.. This girl could be your future are you willing to jeapordise this?? plus why would you be worried about getting intimate with her surely this would be a good thing???

[RobertoPNW]

Originally posted by GwiLo

At the same time, I'm working off debts acquired the last few years, and i'll be clear in six months, so i can focus on finding somewhere to live. catch 22.

 

 

hmm, pay my debts or have the girl I want...

 

Now, I'm not knocking your desire to be debt-free, that's quite noble of you.

 

Is your ex aware of this plan?

[GwiLo]

Yeah, she knows, though i never told her how severe the problem got in the first place. Never thought it was something she needed to know about.

 

Multi-cultural society we live in or otherwise, it's not simply a cultural issue. Even cross-culturally, people can have much common ground in terms of upbringing, outlook, social conventions etc. My own family is rather cross-cultural in nature, albeit both considered as orthodox christian/westernised.

 

 

While I personally see it as an draconian simplification, some markedly different values and cultural references exist with my ex. I don't have a problem with that, but some do, and have no problem expressing themselves in no uncertain terms. Not just my side, but hers too (i've been cut out of some pretty major issues in the past thanks to the difference in language between generations)

 

However, I've got to face up to a few possible scenario's here.

1: Her reasons are entirely altruistic and she is serious about keeping things on good friendly terms. I have no real issue with that, but i'd probably distance myself even more than my absolute rule of NC unless major requirement (limited to Chinese New Year or common work/family related interactions)

 

2: She's wanting to make moves to reconciliation. For this to happen, something must have changed in her world. Mines changed a bit from what it was, more focussed. As much as I'd like to go along with it, unless there has been changes (and I don't excuse myself from that) it'd be a bad idea - although it remains to be seen how much more pain could possibly be caused anyway.

 

3: She wants to gain some sense of closure and draw a line under it so as to move on - she's found someone else. Seeing me again would allow her to tell me face-to-face and to (maybe) return the engagement ring. I obviously don't like this idea, but let's be realistic here - 2 years is a long time to be all alone in this world.

 

So at the end of the day, it's a toughie. I'm more in favour of going down to see her, but even more in favour of staying in a hotel or B & B so as to maintain safe distance. I'll make my mind up in a few weeks. Thanks for listening and sharing.

 

GwiLo

[GwiLo]

Apologies for raking up an 18month old thread, but seemed appropriate.

 

Exchanging e-mails with Rosie my ex-fiancee) the other week, she heard from a mutual friend I was touring the south of the country on holiday. She said I wasn't too far away, so how about meeting up?

Geography lesson : i was, at the nearest, 100 miles away.

When i pointed this out, she said well, why not stay over, there's a spare room in the flat?

WEll, i went to meet up with her for lunch.

It's been two years since i actually saw her in the flesh, so i was surprised.

She's changed. She goes out getting drunk and staying out till all hours at the weekends. Didn't seem in character, but she even said it wasn't good and she was going to have to stop. I dind't say a word.

The engagement ring isn't there anymore. mixed feelings about that one, but what did I expect.

She's put weight on too. But that only made it harder. She looks even better now than when we where together.

 

Lunch went well, very friendly, chatty.

We hugged when we met and when we left. There was talk of a re-union for the old crowd from Uni, and somehow i've been assigned the task of sorting it.I suggested back end of december in an e-mail to her yesterday, and got sent back a list of all the dates between now and January of where she is and when, specifically details a whole week (in 10 days time) when she'll be in town.

I realised after lunch the other day that I love her more than ever. I got drunk that night and the next, and called her. Don't know exactly what i said, but when I rang (sober) to apologise, she was ok with it.

I've written a letter to ask for a 2nd chance, to start from scratch again.

Going to meet up with her when she's in town and give it to her.

Bad idea?