Whats going on in this guys head!??

[yellow]

Well....this one is kinda twisted. Met this guy about a year ago, we were

flirtacious with one another..Him and his GF were on a sort of "break" and during that time we kissed. Then he called me to politley tell me he wanted to work it out with his GF and he was sorry if he lead me on. I said NO PROB. if you ever need anyone to talk to and be friends im here. 2 months later one day I couldnt stop thinking about him and later that night he called! Said it wasnt working out with his GF and so we chatted openly and honestly about things.. i tried to encourage him to keep trying with her.

 

Then he started texting me and calling me wanting to go for walks and hang out. I was very firm with him that I did not want to get "too close" to him because he was dealing with a major heartbreak. (GF broke up with him and went to another guy) He understood this and also said to me "im not ready for anything serious." SO...we agreed to hang and be friends.. it was fine until he started pursuing me full force. calling everyday, saying he missed me.. meanwhile im comforting him through this breakup. It was not easy for him, let me tell you.. he went through hell and lets just say i went through it with him. He is not the type of person that opens up to alot of people and does not have a whole lot of close friends. SO.. eventually he tells me he wants to be with me. says things like.."lets get married" "i think im falling for you" and Im the one saying.. whoa back up! after about a month or so we are intimate and we start getting really close. spending lots of time together.. he says he wants to be exclusive after 2 months. suddenly a week after he says this he pulls away and says he is just not ready and he jumped too soon. he says he still loves his ex. SO here iam.. like wtf? I told him this hundreds of times.. he begs me to trust him and then takes it away.

 

So we continue to "date" but not full on. I continue to listen to his BS. I know.. stupid on my part. anyway, 6 months has now gone by...he still keeps telling me he is not ready for anything serious.. and so everytime I try to pull away he freaks out and he cant handle it...he misses me, and wants me there with him. Then when he tells me we are just "friends" i start to feel insulted. Even when i act like just his friend he wants to kiss me and make love to me..I dont always let this happen. Then one day I just lost it... I started crying and told him I could not do this anymore and that I was drained. I dont pressure him for anything more but I told him I could not go on this way, and that I deserved more. He was REALLY upset, tried calling me multiple times in one day and i wouldnt answer. I told him it was over. I told him he was selfish. I didnt speak to him for almost 3 weeks.. he would text me silly questions like.."did i leave my wallet at your house?"

Finally a few days after his BDAY I decided to talk with him. He apologized over and over.. was trying to sit close to me on the couch, put his head on my shoulder.. told me i was perfect, and asked me if i was dating anyone. I asked him if he was and he said.. um, no not really. I was like huh, not really? Its like he says that **** just to get a rise out of me. He said he was heartbroken when i wouldnt speak to him and that im the only good thing in his life. I told him how much I cared for him and tried to explain to him my point of view. he said he understood. I got up and said goodbye we hugged for a long time..and that was it.

 

I feel so hurt and frustrated because I just want to be with him and i dont understand why we cant just be together. its like neither one of us can stand being apart from eachother anyway. He says he is getting better.. whatever that means. He says things could have worked out if we just went with the flow... but how do i do that with someone who calls me their "friend" and its been going on for 6 months! when do i draw the line here?

 

Anyone have any clue what is going on in this guys head!!???? Thanks!!

 

Sorry so long!

 

Oh and by the way... he is 35 and iam 30!

[WTRanger]

What's going on is bad news. More than likely his ex is somewhere still in the picture. She always has been. "Going with the flow" means that he wants to keep you on a string until he decides. He probably likes having multiple girls chase him. The "flow" also means he wants to continue to sleep with you with little to no commitment on his part which he hides behind the BS excuse of he needs time. BS!

 

I say good on you for standing your ground and now you've got to put your foot down and hold the line like you've never held it before. You've got to weather the massive guilt storm he'll bring your way, but it's just to manipulate you.

[Carolyn]

The ex is obviously still very heavily on his mind and if she called him to reconcile, he'd drop you like a hotcake to run back to her.

 

Guess this is what happens when you fall for people who are not two seconds out of a relationship

[yellow]

Thanks for the comments, and advice! I dont think his "ex" is still in the

picture. he says he realizes now that they were not meant to be together, but i think he struggles with the fact that she threw him to the curb, and went straight to another guy. he says he likes me because im totally opposite of her. im compassionate.. she wasnt.. all that stuff. BUT im sure he still struggles with the pain because no matter what break ups HURT and take time to heal.

 

I'm not making any excuse for him, but i just don't get it. He says hes not ready, but Im having a hard time because I keep taking it to heart. When he says he is not "ready" I hear I dont want to be with YOU. BUT then when Im not with him he wants me around..when I pull away he gets really sad and upset. he says he is not trying to date other girls. I have met all his friends.. he talks about me to his mother and grandmother, they live on the other side of the country so i havent met them. he tells me im too good for him. what is it men? im not a needy girl at all. Im independant, I set my boundries with him as much as I can.. he knows what i want and need I have made it clear to him...im self confident and always appreciate him when he is good to me. why cant it just be simple.

 

wow. listen to me....i sound pretty pathetic!!

[norajane]

He is still in love with his ex. He did not end that relationship, nor did he want to - she did.

 

She left him for another man. He is not only jealous, but his pride is hurt. He's still stewing about that. And because he is still in love with his ex, it drives him crazy to imagine them together.

 

Meanwhile, you have been and are his CRUTCH that he's using to get over her and all this hurt. That's why he can't be without you.

 

Yes, he is using you, maybe not intentionally and he didn't plan it, but he is using you nonetheless. And yes, he will drop you if his ex changes her mind.

 

So the only question is: why are YOU so into him when it's clear that he is no way, shape or form ready or healthy enough for a relationship?

 

It's time for you to move on. Maybe in a year or however long it takes for him to get over her, you can try again, but it's best to not have contact with him until then. You are not his therapist, and should definitely not be his crutch to lean on while his head and heart are all messed up over his ex. Because even if you do stick around the whooooooole loooooooong time it's going to take him to get over her, once he does get over her, he's going to drop you for another woman because you will just remind him of his ex and how messed up he was over her; he will want to start fresh with someone who is fun and new and put the past behind him.

Edited March 31, 2010 by norajane

[cellardoor]

I don't think you sound pathetic at all! You're in a totally confusing situation where he's telling you that he needs you, gets upset when you try and maintain your distance, and then turns around and acts like you're just friends?

 

Think about your other male friends, the ones you really are JUST FRIENDS with, where if you think of them naked you cringe! If one of them turned around and told you that they needed you, that they were falling for you, and that you were perfect... well if anyone said that to me I'd pretty much take that as a confession of more than "friendly" feelings.

 

It sounds a bit like he's at odds with what he's feeling, which isn't great for you. I would say that you deserve better than that. Regardless of how much it hurts him to not have you, has he considered how much it hurts you that he doesn't want to commit, wants to be "just friends" yet retain all of the benefits of having a relationship?

 

I think for the sake of your own sanity, as this is clearly stressing you out, you should probably enforce this distance thing. I know it's hard, particularly as you're good friends, and you want to help make things better... but by not allowing you to let go he's denying you the opportunity to find someone who really will commit to you, if that's what you want.

 

Then again what if all he needs is time and someone to help him through the rough patch? Ah, sigh, dilemmas!

[yellow]

Norajane- You are right.. you know in the beginning I thought the same thing.. Iam just his "crutch" and he is using me. I have actually discussed this with him since we are very honest with eachother.. of course he denies that being that case. BUT in a way.. its true, and I also thought the same thing.. last thing I want is to be associated with his EX!! I had those exact thoughts so many times.. but of course.. what did i do? kept going for it. BUT you are right.. i have to maintain my distance. I have to be strong. I dont think he has any idea how hard it has been for me since I told him I cant do this anymore. He has been good at respecting my space since our last talk, but if i did not get up and leave his house that day after our talk he would have taken me to bed. grr.

and the twisted thing...now that he is finally realizing what all this has done to me and he is respecting my space.. it kills me that he is not pursuing me more!! oh gosh my head is twisted.. but then I have to keep telling myself its because he knows now that I WANT MORE, and He just cant give it to me right now. Its as if I thought telling him I couldn't do this anymore would make him wake up and smell the roses and a light bulb would go off in his head and he would come running after me begging to give me all i want! Who am I kidding. So anyway.. thank you for the advice. I would love to hope I havent yet lost all my dignity with him even after 6 months of this.. If there is a future with him or even a chance down the line i know that this is the only way it will happen.. but I sure hope I didnt ruin my chances for going this far with him already.

 

 

Cellardoor! Thank you so much for seeing this from both sides and understanding how this is making me feel. He really is a good guy and Im not just saying that because Im in love with him.. I know he means well. But what you said made me think....I have a lot of male friends and I sure would cringe if they said these things to me. I really do think he is at odds with what he is feeling...and it just plain sucks. I know I have to stop taking it so personally. I wish everyone was on my time table when it came to love. and yes, it KILLS me that I have been his friend for this long.. mind you there have been odd instances where he would call me his GF. so he has definatley gone back and forth with the friend/lover thing. but yes, it hurts like hell right now and sometimes i feel like he has no idea. Also, he has been getting much better latley..he was on depression and anxiety pills and has now gone off of them..he stopped doing all the things he loved and I have encouraged him to continue them so he is now back in the game with his sporting activities. I just fear that im going to end up the "nice" girl that loses. I also thought the same thing.. trying to look at this in a calm and collected way.,..maybe he just needs time and i can be there for him...so thats what this last 6 months has been about and now im drained and I need him to be here for me now. Im not superwoman, and I feel like I have to at some point stand up to him. It kills me not to see him... he is my buddy...and it sucks. . oh and the weird thing also.. he doesnt act like we are "just friends" when we are around eachother.. and other people see it too..i guess its just a comfort zone for him to say it. Anyway, thank you for your response. it really helps to hear others opinions and advice.

[Austen]

He is still in love with his ex. He did not end that relationship, nor did he want to - she did.

 

She left him for another man. He is not only jealous, but his pride is hurt. He's still stewing about that. And because he is still in love with his ex, it drives him crazy to imagine them together.

 

Meanwhile, you have been and are his CRUTCH that he's using to get over her and all this hurt. That's why he can't be without you.

 

Yes, he is using you, maybe not intentionally and he didn't plan it, but he is using you nonetheless. And yes, he will drop you if his ex changes her mind.

 

So the only question is: why are YOU so into him when it's clear that he is no way, shape or form ready or healthy enough for a relationship?

 

It's time for you to move on. Maybe in a year or however long it takes for him to get over her, you can try again, but it's best to not have contact with him until then. You are not his therapist, and should definitely not be his crutch to lean on while his head and heart are all messed up over his ex. Because even if you do stick around the whooooooole loooooooong time it's going to take him to get over her, once he does get over her, he's going to drop you for another woman because you will just remind him of his ex and how messed up he was over her; he will want to start fresh with someone who is fun and new and put the past behind him.

 

This is a wonderful post and speaks exactly to the situation I've been going through with a man whose now-ex fiance cheated on him. I was his crutch. There was nothing that wasn't painful about our friendship. He strung me along and I almost took the bait. Men coming out of relationships are a ticking time bomb. I still care for him but am giving him a WIDE BERTH because anyone he gets romantically involved with right now is going to end up heartbroken.