Being Polite

[mimidarlin]

How many of you think that your STBX or SO has lost the ability to treat you with simple human kindness/politeness?

 

I never thought of my STBX as rude before now. I don't know if this is new or if I am just noticing it. We were chatting online off and on this evening. No big deal...no argument. Just talking about a family gathering we're going to. That conversations is over so I continue surfing the web and suddenly notice he logged off. Now I know it isn't any of my business where he is going or anything. It just feels so rude. It's like you were talking to someone and they turned their back on you.

 

I did call and ask him hey...what's the deal. Oh didn't think about it. Is it just me or have manners gone out the window? He wants us to be friends (yeah...whatever). I think we should treat each other with respect.

 

What I am starting to get out of this break up is that I am more in touch with my emotional side. I'm more considerate, polite, empathetic and kind than him. He isn't horrible...he just doesn't think. The break up is rougher on me because I'm the dumpee and super emotional. However, I think he will end up with more scars and unresolved issues. So I'm a pushover because I worry about him. I need to get a freakin life!

[LonelyTiger]

Hi Mimi. I think there are very few people on here who remain 'friendly' with their ex but I'm one of the few and I can totally relate to what you're saying. The simple answer is yes, my stbxh seems to have lost the ability to treat me with the respect I deserve.

 

My situation is a little out of the ordinary because we were friends for 23 years before we got together, 38 yrs in total, including the 15 yrs we were a couple (which is most of my life). So completely cutting each other off is unthinkable! I suppose we're a bit like brother and sister now (which was probably the main reason the marriage failed - but that's another story!)

 

However, since he ended our marriage he has been acting like a complete jerk (well long before that really ). He walked out on our life and left me to deal with the house, the business, the cats (fortunately no kids). Unbelievably I still have most of his stuff stored in my loft and he's moving back in for a couple of weeks in Summer to take care of the cats while I go away (yes there is something in it for me - I'm not a complete fool!).

 

Anyway, occasionally I have to contact him about the divorce or whatever and he 'forgets' to reply - even when it's really important. Just like your stbx, he isn't being horrible, he's just completely thoughtless. I have to remind him and he says 'oh I thought I'd replied'! So that's how often he thinks about me these days! Some friend!!!

 

A lot of people will say that it's normal for the dumper to want to stay friends so they can assuage their guilt or keep their options open, and I'm sure this is very true in most cases. The problem with the 'friendship' is that the dumper doesn't genuinely care about the person they've dumped and therefore will not behave like a true friend should. Any good deeds they do are out of guilt, or for personal gain, not because they care. That's one theory anyway and maybe that will make sense to you.

 

There is a saying (you may have heard it) that says men will only leave a marriage if there is a woman in their head, or in their bed. This may be true. My own take on this is that men leave because they no longer care. A woman who still loves a man may leave him for her own good or the good of her children but, while a man still loves his woman, he won't leave her.

 

I guess what I'm saying, and this may be a hard pill to swallow if you are still in the suffering stages, is that, no matter what a man says about staying friends, he isn't your friend unless he acts like one - and that means treating you with respect and kindness.

[mimidarlin]

Thanks Lonely

 

I don't what to say either. I think he "cares" as in wishes me well. I don't think he knows how to care about others in the way you are describing. At least not emotionally. He doesn't have much of a sense of empathy for the pain of others.

 

You're right that he just doesn't think of me much. He wants the damn divorce and I'm making it pretty easy on him. I don't get it!

[tnttim]

Ladies, ladies, ladies, please.........men are not that in tune with their feelings let alone someone elses. We follow logic which comes from the brain, women follow feelings that come from the heart.

 

When you think we are being irresponsible of your feelings, you are right, but most of the time it was not out of malice. Just like when you try to figure out our elaborate home entertainment system, you just don't get it.

 

He's still a d*ck though

[mimidarlin]

Hey...Tim..

I'm damn good with electronics. Input...output duh! I'm a logical wench but I am have a strong sense of empathy too.

 

Malice? I don't know if he is malicious. I don't want to think that he behaves that way.

 

I'm just lonely, angry, scared and riding the damn divorce emotional roller coaster.

 

Right now I'm feeling malicious. Part of me wants to hopes that the divorce process is stalled so that he doesn't get what he wants. Why should he? That's the emotional reaction. Logically, it's better for me to go on my vacation free and clear. I might even have a fling. Why not? I do not want any emotional involvement right now but I would like a physical connection. Can I have one without the other?

[LonelyTiger]

Thanks Lonely

 

I don't what to say either. I think he "cares" as in wishes me well. I don't think he knows how to care about others in the way you are describing. At least not emotionally. He doesn't have much of a sense of empathy for the pain of others.

 

You're right that he just doesn't think of me much. He wants the damn divorce and I'm making it pretty easy on him. I don't get it!

 

I'm starting to wonder if we're both married to the same man Mimi! Either that, or as Tim says, most "men are not that in tune with their feelings let alone someone elses". I've often wondered if my stbxh has a touch of 'aspergers'!

 

I have no doubt your stbxh still 'cares' as in wishes you well. I'm pretty sure my husband still actually 'loves' me. We just don't have the same definition or understanding of what love is. Fortunately, there are actually men in this world who do know how to empathise. Sadly, 'needle in a haystack' springs to mind but I can assure you they really do exist - you just have to go out there and find one.

 

The rollercoaster isn't a fun place to be Mimi and you should concentrate your efforts on getting to the end of it as fast as possible. There's no point in making the divorce more difficult for him because that just makes it more difficult for you too.

 

I don't think he's being malicious, he's just being a typical man and don't worry about having these feelings yourself - it's part of the anger phase and you need to go through it.

 

With regard to having a fling - if you think you can handle it, go for it. Just be careful. You're obviously a very emotional person and, on top of that, right now you are very emotionally vulnerable. A bit of physical fun might be a welcome distraction but I'm guessing you'll struggle to have sex with a man and not become attached.

 

If you really want to try it, I'd recommend choosing a man you're physically attracted to but don't actually 'like' that much. The biggest problem with this is that, unless you have a particular type of personality (and I suspect you don't), getting physically intimate with a man you don't 'like' is not generally the way women are wired to behave.

 

The good news is, if you're starting to think about the possibility of 'other men', even if it's just for sex, I sense that the end of your rollercoaster ride may be just over the next bump.

[mimidarlin]

Lonely,

I don't think I am the kind of woman who can have sex with a man and not be attached. Well, I can't do it and expect it to be fulfilling. I'm going on a vacation in June and maybe I can find a fling there. Just a summer love kind of feeling. It would be fine if it was just flirting and making out. I feel like I've been bucked off a horse and need to get back on in order to gain confidence.

 

I think the first intimate situation I am in will feel tremendously awkward.

[mimidarlin]

Update on the being polite thing.

 

I had pointed out to the STBX that he was acting like a real a$$ at times. He said I'm exaggerating...being sensitive...no one else tells me I'm rude etc.

 

Last night he told me he realized he had been in a very negative and angry place. He replayed some interactions in his mind and noticed that he was projecting his feeling. My god he got those very "emotional" adjectives from years of living with me.

 

He asked me to continue bringing this behavior to his attention as he was going to work on improving. Wow...what happened to open his eyes? I know that I don't hesitate to call him on his rudeness. Did someone else comment?

 

Does he realize how much I helped him grow emotionally? Does he realize that I was the one person that shared so much of himself with? He hides much of his personal beliefs from his family and friends because he doesn't want to cause conflict. He never had to hide that from me.

 

 

This conversation caught me off guard but it felt nice. I have been mostly calm in my dealings with him and he has expressed appreciation for it. He was surprised that I could be calm though I was deeply hurt. Sometimes I cry in front of him but I haven't begged him. I told him I wanted him but I couldn't keep him against his will. I haven't told him that I love him since he moved out. I do ...but the words would be wasted.

[mimidarlin]

More progress...we were both logged on to AIM tonight but neither of us contacted the other. He did contact me to say have a good evening as he logged off.

 

I just want to be treated with the appropriate respect and courtesy that is due to someone who dedicated 15 years to you. He hurt me beyond belief but I treat him with respect, consideration and courtesy. Finally, he is working on this!

[LonelyTiger]

Lonely,

I don't think I am the kind of woman who can have sex with a man and not be attached. Well, I can't do it and expect it to be fulfilling. I'm going on a vacation in June and maybe I can find a fling there. Just a summer love kind of feeling. It would be fine if it was just flirting and making out. I feel like I've been bucked off a horse and need to get back on in order to gain confidence.

 

I think the first intimate situation I am in will feel tremendously awkward.

 

It isn't easy getting intimate with someone new after such a long time. Yes, you may feel awkward to start with but if you make sure you're ready for whatever you choose to do it can also be the best fun you've ever had. In some ways it's a bit like being a teenager again - without all the angst and with the added bonus of years of experience.

 

Get back on that horse as soon as you feel ready. Just make sure you've dusted yourself off properly first.

[LonelyTiger]

More progress...we were both logged on to AIM tonight but neither of us contacted the other. He did contact me to say have a good evening as he logged off.

 

I just want to be treated with the appropriate respect and courtesy that is due to someone who dedicated 15 years to you. He hurt me beyond belief but I treat him with respect, consideration and courtesy. Finally, he is working on this!

 

That's great news Mimi. You're getting through to him and he's obviously prepared to work on himself to become a better person.

 

My stbx has no desire to work on himself or to change in any way, which I find rather sad.