I've been in an abusive relationship and now I'm scared to let my heart go again.

[Feather]

Hi all, This is my first time ever posting a message. I'll just tell you everything. My ex-boyfriend and I dated for almost 5 years. we were very happy, but he had this problem. He liked to push me when he was mad. It happened about 10 times. The last time it happened, he pushed me into our grill and I busted my head open. My sister happened to be there when this was happening. He pushed her as well. She ended up with 50 staples in the back of her head.

 

It all happened so fast. All I remember was blue and red lights everywhere. The cops took him to jail. I had a month to move out of our apartment. I ended up talking with him again and hanging out for about six months. Both of us were dating other people, but we were still together.

 

I didn't talk to him for a week and wondered what was wrong so I left a voicemail. His new girlfriend returned the call. She said the most horrible things to me. I was very hurt that he would allow her to do this. They called me several more times.

 

It ends with his new girlfriend having him arrested for the same thing. He says she lied, but I don't know. He's now with her bestfriend. He likes to tell me how beautiful these girls are. It hurts my feelings. I'm not sure why he feels it necessary to tell me everything!

 

I'm in a new relationship, but this old relationship still haunts me. I really like this new guy, but he works all the time. I only get to see him once or twice a week. I guess he's working all the time ! He says things will slow down and one day we can have a whole day off together. He calls me his girlfriend and says he misses me all the time, but It's my thoughts that new relationships need attention. More attention than once a week. This new guy has been with many women. He claims he's never been in love or been dumped by anyone. I feel like I'm setting myself up for hurt again. I stay confused about everything. I hide my confusion and depression from my new guy.

 

I'm so scared of this dating world. Meeting new people, feeling uncomfortable, do you let your heart or head lead? This is my ongoing life!

[doniker]

I have never understood women who take back a man after being abused.

 

I have an ex girlfriend that I still talk to on occasion. 5 years ago the guy she was dating beat her up and choked her until she passed out. He did this on the front lawn in front of several witnesses.

She pressed charges and he spent alittle time in jail.

 

After all that thet got back together. She came home one day and found him having sex with another woman.

They broke up again.

 

To keep this short let me say she just married this guy 6 months ago.

 

She is smart, good looking and a wonderful person.....but terrible at choosing men.

----

 

It's tough looking for and trusting someone new, but going back to past abusive people isn't a good answer.

[jp13370]

I used to be married to a cop who was very abusive - mentally and physically. Although I divorced him after he shoved me the first time - I didn't wait around for a second time! He shoved me and I felt backwards and hit my head. I filed divorce papers three days later and ended it as fast as I could.

 

I've had problems trusting since that relationship BUT I notice I tend to pick men with the same type of personality (abusive). My dad was a control freak over my mom and I always find myself attractive to outgoing men who first come across strong and wonderful but end up being weak and insecure. Basically I'm picking men who are alot like my dad.

 

Before you can trust anyone and have a decent relationship - make sure you break that cycle and don't end up in another abusive relationship. There are lots of caring nice guys out there who will make you feel secure - then trust will come naturally!

 

Hope this helped - sometimes I need to stop and take my own advice!

[AMN819]

Well Don, I have to say...Love makes EVERYONE blind. AND STUPID. I was in an abusive relationship..mostly verbal. He pushed me a few times, but never hit me. I took him back..and in all honesty..I would probably do it again now. I still love him more than anything.

 

Now to respond to Feather....I know how you feel. It's hard to trust guys once that has happened. Plus, you get a guy who DOESN'T hit ya and you thinnk you have struck gold, so it's hard to tell if there is really a chemistry. Do you let your heart of head lead?? BOTH. I can't tell you if it's love or not..one of those things YOU have to figure out. I say take your time and let things work themselves out!

[locogurl]

Feather - RUN!!! 50 stitches to the head is very violent and dangerous!

 

Physical abuse always escalates & your next abuse from him might land you in the morgue -

 

After having been abused by a husband for years & then cheated on by another... I think you should just cut your losses and get some help figuring out why you are attracted to abusive, selfish men, before you get too old for it to matter.

[Feather]

Thank you for replying to my message. Each one of you made some really good points. I know I can never be with this guy again. He's already taken enough of my strength and heart. I'm just trying to get it back. I was so strong before I met him. Everyday is a struggle to forget what he did and move on.

 

I'm happy I finally met someone else, but I just wait everday for him to snap or just kick me to the curb. I know this is not a way to live. I'll sit home at night and worry why he's not calling me and imagine all the horrible things he might be doing.

 

Thanks AMN819 I like that idea to take my time and let things work themselves out. Time sure does tick slow doesn't it?

[sherrylg7]

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Feather,

I am sorry to hear about your situation! No women should go through any kind of abuse!

I was married to man several years and he also was abusive only 1 week after our marriage. It was so unreal I could not believe it was happening to me. But it did. I went through hell for our marriage to last but it ended in a bad situation which could of been even worse.

I had came in one night into our brand new home he had my stuff thrown outside right then I knew he was going to hit me again. This took place after many times before. I finally lost it and took a gun to protect myself I told him I would shoot him if it was not for my kids.

It took me along time to overcome this relationship. I went through a lot of alcohol and alot of depression probably about 3 years or so. Now I am recovered from the alcohol and from being scared. I knew I had to change my life around no one else could do it for me. I am now a probation officer and feel good about myself.

Do not let any man ever hit you or verbally bring you down.

In time your heart will let you know when it is time to love again!!!

Good luck

Sherrylg7

[silversoulfly]

First of all, I don't understand how any man could be a big enough piece of *@$% to abuse a woman.

Second of all, I don't know what makes the women go back to them. I guess some women don't think they can do any better, and some probably think they can change him.

 

I don't know why you maintained any sort of contact with this a**h***. Why would you even want to be his friend after all that? If you know the woman he's dating now, you should warn her that he's violent, and have the other women he hurt back up your story, because she isn't likely to believe you since you're his ex and all. She might have a harder time dismissing the testimony of 3 or 4 women.

 

There are support groups for women who have been in abusive relationships, and I believe they use the 12 steps like in AA. Why don't you check it out? It could make all the difference in the world. It is somewhere you can go to discuss how you are feeling, with women that know exactly how you are feeling. They could lend you wisdom, strength, and encouragement.

 

I dated a girl who had been severely abused by a boyfriend, and years later, she still has major issues. We had to break up because of that. I tried to convince her to try going to a support meeting, and see if it helps. I treated her as best as I could, and I wanted to make up for the living hell some monster put her through before I met her. I loved her, but she couldn't love me in return; she was always talking about the seal that was over her heart.

 

I think any woman who comes out of an abusive relationship has problems opening up her heart to any man afterward. I'm sure that's just the natural thing to feel. That's one reason why there are support groups for women like you.

[reasontosigh]

I am also a domestic violence survivor just learning to get back in the swim of things. It took me 4 years to get to the point where I could even consider trying again.

 

Online support groups were the biggest help for me. I also turned to books - everything from self-help to classic literature. (As much as I thoroughly enjoyed reading Dante, too long of a stretch did leave me with a migraine a couple of times.)

 

Your heart will indeed let you know when you're ready. Just remember (and this is something I have to remind myself of constantly!) to let your head in on it all too! Your head will certainly alert you of any potential dangers.

 

One place I really found helpful was here:

http://www.transformations.com/