My Healing Log

[DontWorryBHappy]

So I did have another log but am starting this new one for personal reasons.... Also, I decided to take on a more positive approach this time and title it my "healing" log, since that's ultimately what I need to be doing right now. I'm just gonna pick up from where I left off before.

 

Today is day 2 of NC and I'm doing alright, even though I'm still thinking about my ex damn near constantly . I'll admit that the facebook stalking is a little out of control and I know I have to cut it out completely in order to REALLY start healing. This last month of school needs to be about me and my own self improvement. I realize that focusing on my ex will make this NC period a heckkk of a lot more difficult and will prolong the process of getting better. I'm trying to secure a job for the summer (hopefully before that though... the sooner the better) and I've gotta step up my exercising and eating habits even more. I already look pretty good but this is my chance to reaalllyyyy get myself lookin good.... lol.

 

Today I wrote down the reasons why I felt my ex and I split up (my contribution to the breakup) and it made me feel proactive for facing my issues directly... but at the same time, I felt quite sad. At this point I feel I'm changing very quickly and for the better (through therapy and a lot of intense self-examination) and I honestly am appauled by the way I acted on many days while in my relationship. I showed the classic signs of being clingy, controlling, insecure, jealous, and overly-dependant on another person. I understand it was because I've had difficulty dealing with uncertainty in my life and have not being proactive enough about making myself happy. I'm PAINFULLY aware of my mistakes and cannot tell you how serious I am about making sure those negative traits never surface in another relationship, whether with my ex or someone else.

 

That being said, I miss my ex terribly. I really do. Lately I have the urge to talk to him when something funny happens or if I'm in a good mood, and of course I have that same urge when I'm feeling down. I know I'll never actually do it..... and I don't think he'll be contacting me either because he's a respectful guy and will likely hold himself to my NC request. The only thing I wonder about is that my birthday is coming up. I'm wondering if he'll contact me then. My guess is no because I clearly said "Don't contact me again for right now. Summer would probably be a better time." Anyway.... speculation and wondring about that is kinda useless.

 

Feeling blue right now. Need to focus on school because I have a test tomorrow. Need to stay away from facebook. The only thing keeping me sane right now is the hope I have for the future..... and the fact that I'm pretty sure I will talk to and see the ex again. That's probably not how I'm supposed to be thinking but... I've definitely still got a lot of work to do (on myself). I'm so tired...... gonna post this then sleep. Everything is better when the sun rises again. Goodnight.

[9Lives]

would love to read it all but it is too long. But yeah, fix the facebook account. My ex and I were working on it and FB sent the chances of reconcilation down the drain for good. I recommend you go ahead and do it before the pain really kicks in. You will be happpy you did...happy

[DontWorryBHappy]

Thanks for your opinions 9Lives.... really sorry about what happened with you and your ex .

 

p.s. I forgive you for not reading it all. If pople do it's a bonus. Mainly this thing is theraputic.

 

p.p.s. I'm annoyed that I can't edit after someone replies. I made a few annoying mistakes in my opening post and can't fix them. GRRR

Edited March 31, 2010 by DontWorryBHappy

[DontWorryBHappy]

Woah..... 4 days after I sent him my NC message he broke it by replying. Now, I'm 1000% sure he read the message before today because he has been posting other things on facebook since I sent it, and these past couple days have been the first days that he didn't contact me at all since we first met. It seems that he waited a bit for it to sink in that I was really serious.... I know I can't respond at all (right?). Anyway, in his reply to me requesting no contact he said that this definitely comes as a shock for him but he'll try not to contact me. And that was it. Must focus on my test today.....

Edited March 31, 2010 by DontWorryBHappy

[DontWorryBHappy]

Yesterday was pretty good.... I applied for a few jobs and hung out with one of my friends.... felt decent enough throughout the day. But then I got home and started to really miss him. And then I woke up today, and I still really, really miss him. The absence of him in my life is impossible to not notice... and boy do I notice it. I keep wanting to talk to him when funny, random things happen during the day and just have him in my life still. But I know I dont want to be the friend. I know I cant do that....

[Rearden Metal]

The first month is really important. You really have to regain your composure in your own life and the only way to do that is through the withdrawal pains, and then to pick your @ss up and do things.

 

You're going to miss him, and you're going to hurt. Embrace it. It's all about you right now.

[DontWorryBHappy]

Hey all. Approaching day 5 of NC..... Over the first few days I felt really huge jumps in my emotions. Sometimes I was really low and other times I felt really empowered. Now I kind of feel a general emptiness and blues... and it's really odd because I'm pretty much past the point of crying (with exception of an april fools prank that was played on me this morning... see here http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t226726/).

 

Anyway.......... The only time I feel a sense of anxiety is when I wonder if as time is passing by he is starting to realize that yes, he made the right decision. I look back at the way I was while in that relationship and I don't even recognize that girl anymore. That girl was anxious, with low self-esteem, and she didn't know how to control her emotions at all. I feel like I've made more progress on myself in a week and a half than I've made in years, all because of how much this whole thing has shocked me.

 

I have a lot of fears.... I actually have a weird fear about the pain starting to feel better, because that means the old relationsip really is being left behind. I guess that's a good thing, especially if I ever want to pursue something with this boy in the future, because at that point we would be starting a brand new relationship. I know the road to healing is just beginning.... and it's a long road. I still secretly hope that he will try to make some kind of contact with me, despite my requesting him to not do so. I daydream about him contacting me and saying "I miss you.... I want to try us again."

 

You know what I don't get though? I was in two previous relationships prior to this one..... One guy I was with for 9 months. The other I was with for 2 years. I NEVER, EVER took those break ups anywhere NEAR as hard as this one. I was his girlfriend for only 2 months (courting stage was about a month). After those other 2 guys, while I was heartbroken initially, I realized pretty quickly that those relationships weren't right. But with this one I've always felt that it's right.... and I just wasn't being the person I always could be while with him. This is the guy that I've wanted to fight for. It makes me wonder if the feeling is mutual, or if he feels the way as I felt in my other 2 relationships. Don't feel like thinking about that too hard.........

 

Hope you all have a good night.

[ingridh]

Hope you all have a good night.

 

You too, DWBH! {{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}

[DontWorryBHappy]

I'm getting better. Noticing little signs that I'm beginning to heal. Like genuinely starting to accept this breakup and gradually becoming more open to dating others. I still need to hang tough though. I know this process isn't anywhere near over.

[mickleb]

Glad you're feeling better, DWBH. Does this mean you're back on the NC?

 

Yes, DO 'hang tough' on the dating front. You're right: this process ain't over, yet.

 

Have you had any thoughts about any of the replies you got on your other two threads, at all?

 

x

[DontWorryBHappy]

Hey, right now my ex and I are sort of talking again (basically whenever he initiates something.. which is averaging once a day as of now). And yes.... I'm thankful for every response and every new perspective. This forum is awesome, I love all you guys!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Therapy is starting to help too. Now that my head is a bit more clear I'm getting more into working on my issues one step at a time. Trying my best to accept that things just have to be this way right now. The person i was in that relationship was someone who NEEDED to take a huge step back and work on herself. She's doing that now.

[DontWorryBHappy]

So after the disaster that was yesterday (see here for details http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t227299/) I knew I had to finally cut the chord.

 

I blocked him from facebook after sending a heartfelt message... a farewell of sorts . Some might knock me for the message but hey, I love the boy and that's just who I am. I have no regrets. Now suddenly his facebook page is gone.... his face removed from my online world. I guess it had to be done.... but I know it's going to hurt more later than it does right now. Right now it hasn't sunk in yet because I stared at his page for a while before doing this. At least I can be sure he knows how I feel. Good morning all.....

[mickleb]

Well done, DWBH. That's really hard to do and you did it.

 

No worries re. the farewell message: it's the past, already and you're facing reality and your future, now, instead.

 

Yes, it will probably sting more over the next few days, weeks, even months. But, in the long run, you won't forget the strength you have shown today.

 

Now go and take care of yourself, hon. (You might want to start by picking up a copy of 'The Journey From Heartbreak To Connection' by Susan Anderson. It'll probably result in you needing less sessions with the therapist, it's so bloody good.)

 

x

[DontWorryBHappy]

Thank you, mickleb... I think I was right about the sting getting worse. I'm feeling it more now than I did earlier. Suddenly he's really gone. I've effectively said farewell... rejected a friendship because I can't ever just be his friend. I think I was in denial the first 2 weeks... him contacting me certainly didnt help me escape the denial. But now that I'm faced with the reality I feel a bit isolated from people. I'm not really wanting to talk to anyone... I feel an emptiness about him being gone. My only regret is that I did not do NC sooner (meaning full NC... no facbook, no nothing). I wish I had done it BEFORE the dragging out of a "friendship" and the drunk texting I did a couple nights ago. THAT was the final straw that made me realize I needed to cut all contact with him.... You can only hide your true feelings for so long before they come out one way or another. I'm going to TRY and not beat myself up over not cutting contact sooner... but it's hard. I feel like if I had stopped talking to him and blocked him from facebook RIGHT after the breakup, the last thing I would've remembered was him telling me that he loved me but it couldnt work right now. Now, the last thing I will remember is him cheering me on to be carefree and "push the limits" while I was out stupidly drinking with people... and watching him act uncomfortable as I drunkenly expressed myself. It's impossible for me to know what his real thoughts are.... And I guess maybe things had to happen this way. Maybe I had to hit a low point in this breakup before I finally could have the strength to do the right thing.

Edited April 7, 2010 by DontWorryBHappy

[mickleb]

Ok lady, it's time to get the big guns in here..

 

Just a tick. I'll see what I can do..

 

x

[DontWorryBHappy]

Hey man, thanks for the support - you and everyone else who happens to comment on this thing. I just read through this thread and realized I don't always take a moment to thank everyone who comments... I'll be doing a lot more of that from now on. Before I was just waaaayyy too caught up in my own crazy thoughts and emotions to heed even the best advice. That being said.........

 

Although my feelings for my ex are still the same, I feel such a sense of relief from finally cutting the facebook cord. I really should've listened to the people that were telling me to do it a week ago.... but I guess I had to learn on my own. Don't get me wrong, this is still painful as all hell, but I no longer am plagued by uncontrollable urges to check his facebook (because I can't) and there is so much freedom in that. I will no longer come home, see a status update from my ex and analyze it to death, check to see if he's on facebook chat, look at all the profiles of people he adds to his friends list, stare at his photos... and I could go on. Having access to his facebook was doing more emotional leeching than I realized and wasn't giving either of us the time we need to ourselves..... Thank god I woke up and smelled the coffee on that one.

Edited April 8, 2010 by DontWorryBHappy

[DontWorryBHappy]

K so I'm definitely hi-jacking this forum tonight.... Starting to feel the effects of FULL NC (after blocking his facebook). It's definitely quite different than the fake NC I was doing before. So attention everyone: If you think you're doing NC and you still have your ex on facebook, you don't really know what true NC is...........

 

I keep getting the urge to go on facebook over and over because that's what I would do to look at his page. So now I go on there and instantly remember I can't access it anymore... then kind of crawl away from it like a sad puppy. I know this is for the best... no going back now... It helps a lot that I took the time to compose a message that clearly emphasized the difficulty and tremendous strength I had to muster to cut all contact. After such a message I could never go back on my choice...

 

I'm very nervous about the following months. I have no idea how I'll feel one, two three, four, five months from now. I guess I just can't be afraid anymore.... I have to live. And live I will.. one step and day at a time.

Edited April 8, 2010 by DontWorryBHappy

[mickleb]

Hang in there, girl. You're gonna be just fine.

 

May I apologise on behalf of that lazy-assed McGrupp? (Don't worry, I'll be having words..)

 

Really consider getting that book I suggested, me dear. I got lucky and was given a copy of it about three weeks into my break-up. Best gift I've ever had.

 

It will explain what's happening to you. It'll take you gently through it, step-by-step and prepare you for facing down this nightmare. It really helps to have the emotional support, here but that book offers you a very logical explanation of why you're feeling like you do. If you can find something rational that quietens down all those feelings, you're going to want to hang onto it.

 

Consider yourself unwell for the next few weeks and take care of yourself accordingly. I'll keep sniffing about and checking you're ok.

 

 

x

[McGrupp]

ahhh the facebook problem.

 

what you do is de-activate your account.

 

now i know you can just sign right back in. but heres the deal...its just one more wall to get in there.

 

so for me it worked for a bit. or even better have a friend/sister/mom/random person on the street...change your password!!!

 

this way you really cant get on. do this for like 2-4 months.

 

believe me at the 60 day mark it all get clearer.

 

also have you read "its a breakup cause its broken" yet?

 

its a good book that seems to fit your situation perfectly.

 

also the "journey from abandonment to healing" which is a little more serious...

 

ohh i see mickle already suggested it...

Edited April 8, 2010 by McGrupp

[DontWorryBHappy]

*edit* response below was to mickleb... reading yours now McGrupp

 

Hmmm... the book sounds intriguing. The thing is though..... I'm still at the point where I don't *want* to move on. (Does that make any sense at all?) But hell I'll try and find it... I know I need something like that to help me... I need something to make sense.

 

But I need to vent a bit right now. Today sucks, and full NC brings about more fear than I've felt before. The number one question on my mind is, does he care?? When he broke up with me he said he loved me... I KNEW he was having a hard time because of the way he kept contacting me at least a few times a day for several days after. But then I initiated NC (without facebook blocking) for days until I was convinced it was a mistake. At that point when we talked again he'd contact me maybe once a day, sometimes not at all, and the first picture of him sexy-dancing with anothr girl popped up online. Perhaps that meant he was going through another phase of the breakup... (I have heard that men will try to get out and be around other women, and basically live up the single life to try and heal). Then of course there was the drunk texting, which other postrs felt he seemed indifferent to, and now full NC.

 

Indifference? Is that really how he feels? Can a person go from being in love to indifferent in two weeks? Or was he hiding his feelings really damn well? I realize that trying to figure out his feelings kills me inside... which is why I couldnt wait one more day to go full NC.... I just wish I wouldve done it before a drunken text distaster. Damn...

[McGrupp]

doesnt matter what he feels. its what you feel. and thats pain. accept it will hurt for a long time, but nothing you can do now will make him come back.

 

NOT ONE THING.

 

so keep it moving. zombie it up for like 2-3 months. then youll find something that keeps you moving. and youll be back here giving advice in no time...

[DontWorryBHappy]

Heeey McGrupp, thanks for joining the party. Dang, deactivate alltogether? Not sure about that one.... I mean it was hard enough removing the ex. But I'd be worried about what I'd do without the general online support. What I will do is get on looking for these books now............

 

*edit* thanks. Right now I'm about as moved on as Noah from "The Notebook." So yeah.

[McGrupp]

well deactivation is very easy to undo. you basically sign back in.

 

and everything comes back. but its another wall to get in there.

 

**** i know its hard. i met my ex through fbook. then b4 we broke up (when we were on break) she deactivated her account. then defriended me and over 70 of our friends and my family. her sister blocked me, her work friends blocked me.

 

it was horrible. and then i called her and she dumped me!!!.

 

....and then she reactivated in novemeber. un blocked me!!

 

oh boy!...

 

and then i said **** that. blocked her. deleted the only 1 mutual friend we had left.

 

but do you knwo how hard that was? i had to go through like 100 pics of and delete them. pics of us at college graduation, pics at my cousins wedding, pics of us on christmas, thanksgiving, in cabo, on a sailboat in cape cod, of us playing in the snow, on the beach, in bed...whatever!!!!

 

i had to go through messages of us first meeting way in my inbox (over 4 years) o us first meeting up. things like "hey i think your in one of my classes, we shoudl hang out sometime"

 

**** i saved forever thinking it would be a great thing for our ****ing kids to see...

 

facebook is hard but like all this ****...it needs to go to heal.

 

up to you.

Edited April 8, 2010 by McGrupp

[DontWorryBHappy]

I know about the pain of deleting everything.......... I already got rid of all the pictures... the IMs... the text messages (thousands of them)... the videos... but there might be a few lingering facebook messages still. He STILL has some quotations from me on his info section. Quotes of m saying stuff like "I'll never take you for granted, you're amazing"... . I dont know if perhaps h just forgot they were there or what.... Anyway, I think one other reason I decided to go full NC right NOW was because I didn't wanna wait to see if he'd wish me a happy birthday tomorrow (tomorrow I am 21.... whoopee) so now I'm like... no need to worry about that. (or I really hope not).

 

The one remaining item is a valentines day stuffed panda that is now in my closet. I dont know what to do with it...

[McGrupp]

burn it. you turn 21 tomorrow?

 

holy ****...happy birthday...

 

ill say this, 21 is a birthday you should remeber forever, and not because of this guy.

 

think if he sends you something how will you feel? good? for a bit?

 

if he doesnt how will you feel? ****ty? for a bit?

 

not sure what to expect from that, but go out and have fun!!