My Healing Log

[DontWorryBHappy]

If I could turn back time I would've told him from the start that I couldn't be his friend, then at that point blocked him from facebook and stopped talking to him completely. But I know things wouldn't have happened so easily that way..... I mean, I was so completely confused and emotional that every time I did anything, I'd feel like it was the wrong thing, so I'd do something else. And you know what.... suddenly I feel bad for him too. I feel like I went over there is pretty much messed up his life and made everyone more confused. Why couldnt I have been more strong and cut contact from the start??? I feel like I will never forgive myself.

[mickleb]

You can't turn back time but you can make tomorrow a good day.

 

Start by forgiving yourself. Next decide what could be improved about YOUR life (nothing to do with him). Set yourself a little goal that helps towards that end and do it. Whatever it is.

 

Use this experience to become a happier person. I know you can.

 

x

[DontWorryBHappy]

Right now is horrible. Horrible regrets, what ifs, guilt, sadness, nostalgia... Wishing I had done certain things differently, but at the same time wondering if I ever actually would have. Not being able to fully accept what HAS been done. I can only take solace in knowing that I can't screw anything else up at this point. I'm looking forward to more days going by.... Each day that passes where I can get further away from this past weekend and the past month in general will be a better day than the last.

 

P.S. Suddenly I have the urge to re-read my entire journey.... I dont know, for my own learning experience I guess. If anyone else wants to read over my story from the beginning you can do so here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=226155&highlight=Kim's+Coping

 

I had made an original coping log 4 days after the breakup with a different user name and made this new name (and log) for fear of being discovered. But hey, I don't think my ex will be surfing the internet on loveshack any time soon, or ever. So there it is.

Edited April 28, 2010 by DontWorryBHappy

[DontWorryBHappy]

Suddenly I find myself waking up in the morning and becoming aware of my ex's existence in a split second, followed by a wave of pain that's like a shock, and continuing with another all day affair of thinking about him. One of my first thoughts today was "Why does he have to be in my reality?" and my next thoughts had to do with wondering how the hell I let myself get into the predicament I've gotten myself into.... Why couldn't I have let things go a lot earlier than this before they REALLY got messed up? No, I couldn't do that. I had to keep things going until they completely crashed and burned. I guess it was because I thought if I did nothing, I wasn't doing enough. If I wasn't fighting for him in any way I could think of, I wasn't doing enough.......... WRONGWRONGWRONG. The best thing I could've done is nothing. And I swear it, if anyone else ever breaks up with me again, that's exactly what I'll be doing afterward - nothing.

[DontWorryBHappy]

I've been invited out with friends for tomorrow night. Thank freaking god. I need to escape. I might fail a class because of this crap, because I couldnt focus on ANYTHING for long enough to write a research paper. I'm scrambling right now to do the work and turn it in late just for the possibility of not failing. I think I'm beginning to associate my ex with hurt and pain. (ok, not quite but sort of). I think the next time I see him I'll more or less run away in fear... and if he contacted me today I'd do the same thing (he definitely won't but I'm just saying). Anyway, time to party.

 

Btw, I think maybe my ex really, really did me a favor by blocking me. Now I can just assume he hates me - which is way better than holding out hope for months and months. It's almost an odd sense of freedom. As in, I did everything I possibly could to try and fix things, everything I did failed, and now there's literally nothing else to do. So I can accept my life as it is and continue on.

Edited April 28, 2010 by DontWorryBHappy

[DontWorryBHappy]

Hey, guess what guys? I'm done being a pussy. Guess what else? The semester is over and I'm realizing some important sh*t. Important sh*t that I've realized:

 

- I am beautiful. Seriously, I know I am. While I was in my ex's city some random dude started singing to me and asked me out to a dance that night. I said no... but he was cute.

 

- I am funny. Really. I'm awesome to be around... people like being around me. I'm fun and I make them laugh.

 

- I'm embracing qualities in myself - even ones that led to me making "mistakes". Hell, it took a lot of guts to do what I did this past weekend. I took one greyhound bus for 6 hours, another one for 9 hours, 2 taxis (all of that in total). I pretty much didn't know where I'd sleep and just winged it. When I got there I followed my heart, I chased a guy I loved, I showed him a good time when we had sex, I told him I loved him while we had sex. Why? But I fu*king did. Big deal. At least I took a chance and went on an adventure for three days.

 

- I like my adventures. And sometimes I even like my impulsiveness. Before my last boyfriend and I broke up I paid some dude 150 dollars to drive me 2 1/2 hours. That boyfriend didn't even know I was coming. We had a terrible time, I went home, we broke up. I got over it in a week or two. Big deal.

 

- If I hadn't gone on this most recent trip to see that ex I'd probably still be pining for him, hoping he'd text me, waiting...... But now I'm not waiting. I'm assuming he's not going to contact me again. I'm assuming he is 100% gone. The hope is gone. And suddenly I'm becoming more confident in MYSELF.... because I'm not clinging and being obsessed with this guy coming back to me.

 

- Once again, I am amazing... I'm talented... I'm beautiful.... Give me a few months and any guy will be lucky to date me. I'm already changing for the better. The LAST THING I need in my life right now is that boy. THE LAST THING. Do you hear me???

 

THE LAST THING I NEED NOW IS HIM

 

Best freaking thing I've said in this log to date. Cheers to the coming months.

[DontWorryBHappy]

Some realizations today. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=2771678&posted=1#post2771678

 

In my next relationship I'm going to be very picky. And the guy will need to prove himself to keep me around... after this crap I deserve nothing less.

[mickleb]

I am not being rude. I am not being facetious:

 

I want to know if you have finished your therapy, DWBH?

 

x

[DontWorryBHappy]

Therapy kind of had to stop for now since the semester is over.

 

It's ok though. I actually feel great. The spell is broken. I no longer think my ex is the best thing since sliced bread. Actually, I think he's kind of a jerk. And even if I'm wrong and he isn't a jerk, he wasn't right for me anyway. Let's analyze this quickly:

 

- We practically tried to run the whole relationship via text message. He never made enough of an effort to spend more quality time with me via phone or Skype.

 

- We never talked about anything meaningful. Yes... literally never (ok, maybe one time. I asked him about his family once).

 

- It got to a point where I started trying to get his attention through sexual talk. Need I say more?

 

- When I was over there he had to get his two girl friends to tell me he wasnt comfortable with me being in his room. Because he was too much of a pussy to do it himself.

 

- He willingly participated in kissing me and sleeping with me post-breakup (hell, he asked me to come to his room), then didnt have the decency to man up and admit to my face that it was a mistake. Instead he ignored me then blocked me.

 

No matter who's at "fault" here the situation is clearly ****ed up and unsalvagable. And I reaallllyyyyy dont want to salvage it. All I want to do is become an awesome, confident human being this summer.

[GrayClouds]

Therapy kind of had to stop for now since the semester is over.

 

It's ok though. I actually feel great.

 

But therapy is about more the feeling great. It is about understanding why you made the choices you did and learning heathier ways to behave and keep from repeating the mistakes.

 

The spell is broken. I no longer think my ex is the best thing since sliced bread. Actually, I think he's kind of a jerk.

If you are right, then why did you not see it sooner? Why did it take so much for you to accept that he was?

 

 

Let's analyze this quickly:

 

- We practically tried to run the whole relationship via text message. He never made enough of an effort to spend more quality time with me via phone or Skype.

 

Why was that good enough for YOU?

 

- We never talked about anything meaningful. Yes... literally never (ok, maybe one time. I asked him about his family once).

 

And yet you thought you loved this guy?

 

- It got to a point where I started trying to get his attention through sexual talk. Need I say more?

Yes much more. Why would you compromise your intellect and dignity this way?

 

- When I was over there he had to get his two girl friends to tell me he wasnt comfortable with me being in his room. Because he was too much of a pussy to do it himself.

And yet you still went back to his room when her text you, do you understand why?

 

- He willingly participated in kissing me and sleeping with me post-breakup (hell, he asked me to come to his room), then didnt have the decency to man up and admit to my face that it was a mistake. Instead he ignored me then blocked me.

 

And you too was willing to. Why do you think that this is what a relationship is about? It is interesting you seem more upset about being block then being used as a one night stand.

 

All I want to do is become an awesome, confident human being this summer.

 

It is important you take time to look a back and learn from this experience. You can not change his behavior but you have opportunity to change yours.

 

I am sure you will become this awesome person, be this means some really hard work, really challenge yourself, and taking the effort to look at your behavior, understand why you made the choice you did, and take time to learn new healthier patterns. That person is inside you but you have to have the courage to fight for her. What are you going to do to do so?

[DontWorryBHappy]

You raise awesome points, GrayClouds. It was all because I didn't have enough value and confidence in myself as a person. It's like I had this mentality that this person I was dating was wonderful, amazing, perfect... and if I couldn't keep him then I was lower than low. I put him on a huge pedestal and put myself at the bottom. What am I going to do? For one... I'm not going to look for a guy to fill these voids or fix things in my life. I'm going to take a long while to figure out what makes ME a worthy person. It never should've taken that long for me to realize the truth and that some things aren't worth fighting for.

 

Anyway, every day things get clearer and clearer. I'm starting by forgiving myself for my mistakes. I made a lot of them... but I do intend to come out stronger in the end. I recognize that my ex did indeed act like a jerk... there seems to be no question about that. But I was the one who let my emotions take over and didnt open my eyes the way I should. But I forgive myself for it. I can move forward now and become better than ever.

[mickleb]

So why do you think, then, DWBH?

 

Why didn't you have enough value and confidence in yourself as a person?

 

What do you think you can do to fill the void and fix things in your life?

 

I honestly don't mean to be harsh but I don't think the guy has been that much of a jerk. There are plenty of guys his age who wouldn't have behaved any differently. Much worse, in fact.

 

What therapy options are available to you?

 

x

[DontWorryBHappy]

I'll be answering those questions for myself a little at a time every day.

 

It doesn't matter if he was or wasnt a jerk. The point here is that I cannot ever be weak like that again. I mean for all I know, he felt terribly guilty for doing what he did, then deleted me from his life in an attempt to erase the guilt. But I'll never know. And it's not my job to know. I just need to see myself grow.

 

(but for the record, I disagree with you and think he acted like a jerk. Sorry.)

 

Anyways, today the following quote from Martin Luther King, Jr. means something to me:

 

"Lukewarm acceptance is much more bewildering than outright rejection."

Edited April 30, 2010 by DontWorryBHappy

[mickleb]

I think your expectations were way too high, love.

 

Anyway, I'm much more interested in your thought for today re. the questions GC and I asked..

 

x

[DontWorryBHappy]

I suppose they were. But you know what, I see both sides of it. His actions were jerk-like and they always will be. No question about it. BUT.... I still wanted to do it with him... with a guy who I wasn't in a relationship with who had told me it was OVER. So I'm equally to blame. That's why I'm throwing my hands in air and saying forget about who's at fault... because the point is that the situation is ****ed up and can't be fixed. ANYWAY...

 

I think this is day 5 of NC but it feels like it's been 2 weeks. In 2 weeks it'll probably feel like 2 months. I guess that's because we used to talk every day and all. In any case, I'm really not even counting the days of NC... I just decided to figure out how long it had been for kicks. It doesn't even matter though... because at this point NC is a lifestyle. We're simply not going to be talking to each other anymore.

 

Right now he definitely feels like a distant stranger. I can tell that this stage of analyzing the situation to death is beginning to fade. Give me another few weeks and it'll feel like a mere footnote and my brain won't keep going back there involuntarily. Screw him.

Edited May 1, 2010 by DontWorryBHappy

[DontWorryBHappy]

ANGER

 

 

I may have put myself in a position to be used.... but he still did the using, then the abandoning.

 

Coward.

 

Jerk.

 

User.

 

Fake nice guy.

 

Next time I see you I'll pretend I didn't. I hope you feel guilty EVERY DAY. I even said "I love you" while we were doing it. Lol. What an idiot I was. But you're a tool. And I hope you know it. ****er.

[DontWorryBHappy]

This summer is a lesson in learning to live with me, myself, and I. The ex is completely out of my life with no expected re-entry into it. I'll be spending my summer taking classes at my current school before I transfer to the other in August. I think 4 months will be enough time to truly get over the disaster that was the situation with him, and at the same time really come into myself. There are free exercise classes going on all this semester that I intend to spend tons of time doing. Plus I'll get rid of the rest of my annoying general education credits (humanities, math, physical science, speech). By the time I get to school in August my hair should be 2 inches longer, I'll be fitter than ever, I'll be confident, I'll be out of the bit of debt I'm in (will be getting a good amount of financial aid this summer), and I'll pretty much be able to come on to the other campus as a MUCH more well-adjusted and happy person.

 

As for the ex... it's good that he isn't in my life... especially now. It's my hope that when I get to his school we can be at the point where we can at least be polite toward each other. But I don't expect anything. Simply looking forward to becoming a much stronger girl from this point forward.

Edited May 2, 2010 by DontWorryBHappy

[DontWorryBHappy]

Unfortunately it's still a roller coaster. I'm coming to find that my own thoughts are my worst enemies... because it's very easy for me to become lost in a web of analyzing the situation to death. The thing is that no matter how much I think about it, it's not possible for me to come to a satisfying conclusion. Every once in a while I feel I have a glimpse of closure... I'll think, for example, that he showed in the end that he didn't care about me... therefore I haven't really lost anything. I might feel relieved by that sort of thought for a few moments until I start thinking that perhaps BECAUSE of the way I acted AFTER the breakup (the unstable actions, bursts of emotion, finally sleeping with him in the end), maybe that CAUSED him to lose respect for me and then not care about me. So I pace around thinking to myself, "If I had enough strength to walk away and accept the outcome right from the beginning... would he have a lot more respect for me? Would we have been friends right now? Did I ruin a chance of us being together somewhere down the line.. even years from now?".

 

Then I eventually stop and realize that no matter how much I think about how things couldve been different, they cant be. What is... is. And that still really hurts... because I look back at what I thought that relationship was and it pains me to admit that I still miss him. I'm caught in a cycle of blaming myself and wondering how I let myself get in the situation... and I'm starting to wonder if anything about that relationship ever was real, or if I was kidding myself from the start.

 

In any case I want to be a different person... someone else entirely. I'm seriously considering losing about 10 more pounds then dying my hair dark brown and getting bangs. And then picking up new things to do that I've never done before.... and then nothing about ME will be associated with who I was in that relationship.

[mickleb]

Why all the need for these extremes, DWBH?

 

HE's entirely to blame, you LOVE yourself, YOU're entirely to blame, you need to ERASE yourself to make things better..

 

None of the above are true.

 

If anything you need to become MORE of you. You claim to be a confident person but you are not. You panic. You don't value yourself so you put your heart and soul into some guy who appears to for a few weeks. You need to believe in yourself and not need anyone else to.

 

You must know the changing of your exterior will not change anything. There's no harm in trying a few new hobbies but what about the things YOU've always been into?

 

Tell me about yourself. Tell me what you're into, what you find interesting. Become who you have been fighting because you're never going to escape that person, and you never should.

 

Take care, sweetie.

 

x

[DontWorryBHappy]

Well... I dont think I ever claimed that I AM a confident person. I've talked a lot about trying to be one... but as of now I know I'm not. Why? Because there are certain unresolved issues... including a physical nerve issue that I deal with every day (obviously not getting into that on here). I am confident about *certain aspects* of my life: I'm ambitious... persistent... imaginative.

 

Every day gets better. I'm at the point where my ex is not the first thing on my mind upon waking up. It takes me a couple minutes to remember him and the whole situation. I still wonder if he ever did care about me or if it was all a farse, but I recognize that I don't need or want anyone in my life right now anyway. Right now I'm at a time in my life where I'm trying to establish myself as a person. That being said, YES it still hurts. But it helps me when I think about what kind of relationship I'd eventually like to have. And what I see in my mind doesn't match what that relationship was like.

[mickleb]

I think I was thinking about post #56.

 

You recognise that you yo-yo, though? It's like you're hoping that the latest revelation will save you this time. Revelations are all well and good but the facts of life are that those 'Eureka!' moments just don't cut it.

 

Happiness, confidence, contentment, successful relationships: these things don't just happen overnight. They're not supposed to. The things of most value in this world don't just fall into your lap, or anyone else's. Who'd give a sh*t about them if they did?

 

Yes, we can all benefit from some wise words but experience, making our own mistakes, figuring out what does or doesn't work for us is where satisfaction is really generated from. Accepting this can make the road a lot less rocky. Yes, less exciting but a duller route that actually takes us somewhere we need to go.

 

Maybe the first thing you need to tackle is that nerve issue you mention? You seem to have a whole lot of frustration pent up inside you that you need to release on something, often yourself.

 

I suffer from continuous daily headache myself, so recognise that need for an answer, any answer, that you appear to give off, in myself. It's something I still have to fight, from time to time.

 

More specifically, though, I was just interested in what really makes you tick?

 

x

[DontWorryBHappy]

Thanks for replying, first of all. I appreciate it.

 

Yes... I'm trying the tackle the nerve issue. Basically it's a problem that I've been dealing with daily for over half a year now where specific areas of my face experience tingling and burning sensations almost constantly. It's not a problem that others can visibly see... only I can feel it. I'm able to push it out of my mind sometimes and live normally, but it is always there, and I fight with thinking I may have to live with it for the rest of my life. I'm actually looking into booking a neurology appointment tomorrow.

 

I do believe that acceptance is what comes next in this process. Today I'm telling myself that I can see the mistakes I've made and I recognize that my new knowledge will help to make sure I never repeat them. At the same time, I can ACCEPT that those mistakes are a part of my life and will always be a part of myself as I was growing up. I do not need to waste time beating myself up over those mistakes because I can see why I made them at the time, and the attitudes about myself and about my life that led to me making them. And I can forgive myself for being the way I was then.... It was simply a part of my life experience.

 

As for what makes me "tick"... I like writing, I like to help people, and I'm musical.... I've played the flute for over 10 years (and actually am getting a new instrument the day after tomorrow), plus I also sing and play the piano.

 

Sigh.... there's a youtube video of myself online... It makes me sad watching it. It was before the heartbreak... before I saw invisible problems with my physical appearance that made me put glycolic acid on my face (possibly causing nerve damage.. etc). Why could I never accept myself? Why?

Edited May 4, 2010 by DontWorryBHappy

[mickleb]

Ok.

 

Thanks for being so honest, DWBH. I appreciate it.

 

A few things..

 

No - you DON'T need to beat yourself up about bad decisions you have made: you're damned right about that. It'll only help you make some more.

 

However, those choices WERE NOT 'simply a part of your life experience'.

 

You, again, are right: the question is 'WHY'? You DO need to figure out why you made the mistakes you made. This will result in you not repeating them.

 

What has the body-dysmorphic type behaviour resulted from? You're, how old? 20-ish? There can be no rational reason for you using glycolic acid on your face.

 

Why did someone with such wonderful, rare talents, as you posess, judge herself by her face more than her creativity?

 

You are hurt, deep underneath your skin. You know this and know you need to understand where that began before you, and only you, can address that pain and learn how to heal from it.

 

Stop putting on a brave face every day. It gets you into trouble because it fools no-one.

 

Put that courage where it matters: into facing what got you here.

 

Thinking of you.

 

x

[DontWorryBHappy]

Hey all. I think I'm actually doing better. Starting to make a real effort to get out and be more social. Today I passed out free coupons and flirted with cute strangers, and for the past couple days I've been corresponding with a guy. It might not turn into anything or it might.... but either way I am realizing that I DO have the capacity to date and perhaps even to love again. I know I'm not "healed"... but I'm definitely making gradual progress.

[GrayClouds]

Hey all. I think I'm actually doing better. Starting to make a real effort to get out and be more social. Today I passed out free coupons and flirted with cute strangers, and for the past couple days I've been corresponding with a guy. It might not turn into anything or it might.... but either way I am realizing that I DO have the capacity to date and perhaps even to love again. I know I'm not "healed"... but I'm definitely making gradual progress.

 

Slow you go DWBH. Dating is not a good idea at this time. If the last experience has taught you anything is that you need to take a good long time to learn how to love yourself, be happy with being alone, and know when to stand up for yourself.

 

No need to rush your crushes you have plenty of time to fall in love. Dating not only distract you form the work you need to be doing to heal, but the work you need to do to become yourself. Right now it is more about finding you the finding some one else.