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My Healing Log


DontWorryBHappy

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DontWorryBHappy

I'm reaallllyyyy gona try and enjoy it.... Unfortunately the other night I got drunk with one of my english group members who was gona take me out for my b-day, did some questionable things (which was the night of my drunk texting disaster with the ex)... so now things are a bit awkward with that guy. lol. But there's another girl who was gona take me out if I wanted... might go with her. Personally I am BETTING he will not wish me a happy b-day. Not after my facy farewell message. But then again I don't really know a damn thing... I'm just gona try to be unaffected.

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Rearden Metal

Shut your phone OFF and go out with your friends! Give your mom or whoever your friends # to contact you in case of emergency. Don't look at the phone.

 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, TO YOU! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, TO YOUUUU! HAPPPPPPPYYYYY BIRRRRTHHHHDAAAAYYYYYYY DEARRRRRR DONTWORRRRRYBHAPPYYYYYY....

 

HHHHAAAAAPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPYYYYYYYYYYYY BIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRTHDAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYY TOOOOOOOOOOOO YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU~~~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

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DontWorryBHappy

Thank you.... the support means THE WORLD TO ME. It really, really, really does. Birthday plans are not set in stone yet.... gona try to plan it tonight.

 

That being said, fasten your seatbelts because I'm about to tell you all how I'm currently feeling.

 

I freaking hate my existence right now. I miss my stupid ex so much that I've lost my zest for life... I feel like a zombie walking around without my best friend in the world. Talking to other people and having fun with others dulls the pain for a bit, but then it hits me again, and again.... Nothing feels like talking to HIM... nothing can replace it right now. I have rare moments when I almost feel like I don't care that he isn't in my life, but then I'm back here again. I MISS HIM SO MUCH, I feel like hiding from the world. I'm not taking calls from my brother.... whenever I talk to anyone about the ex if they say something lke "he just wasn't the right one" I want to fight them. I can't hear that stuff right now. I DEPERATELY need to get that glow back into my life and heart. At the moment it is GONE :(.

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Rearden Metal
Thank you.... the support means THE WORLD TO ME. It really, really, really does. Birthday plans are not set in stone yet.... gona try to plan it tonight.

 

That being said, fasten your seatbelts because I'm about to tell you all how I'm currently feeling.

 

I freaking hate my existence right now. I miss my stupid ex so much that I've lost my zest for life... I feel like a zombie walking around without my best friend in the world. Talking to other people and having fun with others dulls the pain for a bit, but then it hits me again, and again.... Nothing feels like talking to HIM... nothing can replace it right now. I have rare moments when I almost feel like I don't care that he isn't in my life, but then I'm back here again. I MISS HIM SO MUCH, I feel like hiding from the world. I'm not taking calls from my brother.... whenever I talk to anyone about the ex if they say something lke "he just wasn't the right one" I want to fight them. I can't hear that stuff right now. I DEPERATELY need to get that glow back into my life and heart. At the moment it is GONE :(.

 

I was right there 3, 4 weeks ago. Couldn't open a book. Couldn't watch a movie. Rough.

 

It passes. I promise!

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Happy Birthday, lady! (So many Aries women on here.. :confused:)

 

Just had mine a few days ago - I went to a comedy night, which was great. A friend of mine took me to the same night just after my break-up. Worked a treat.

 

Make sure you've got a friend to be with if you get drunk. And someone who can ease you through the hangover the next day. (On the phone, if not in person.)

 

We have all been where you are, sweetie. We KNOW it will pass.

 

Try making a list of all the things you've always wanted to do. Then figure out how you can cross one of them off and start working towards it. Look ahead, it's bright over there.

 

x

 

P.S. Ta, McG. I knew you were a good guy, really. :)

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DontWorryBHappy

RM: I know you're right. It will pass... I WILL get through this and it will pass. This is one of those necessary humps that I WILL GODDAMN GET OVER. Whew.

 

Drama: Good advice... thank you

 

Mickleb: You're right... the world is bright. I'm going to do everything I can to bring that brightness back into my life for real. Thank you for your comments as always :).

 

AND NOW......

 

Oh my god you guys..... something amazing just happened.

 

I just finished going to a lame concert I had to go to for school and decided to catch the bus home. While on the bus this boy came on and sat down.... and my god, I was instantly attracted to him.... because... *wait for it*.... He looked SO MUCH like my ex. Same skin tone, extremely similar face, even his glasses looked the same. Basically he looked a hell of a lot like my ex except that he was taller and probably a tad more attractive in general. At one point he looked straight at me and I flashed a shy smile... Pretty sure he picked up on it. I was so drawn to this kid that I purposely missed my stop on the bus and sat there until he got off. When he got off I almost wanted to get off there too and introduce myself... but I didn't (and kind of regretted it even). Anyway..... who cares if I was attracted to him because he looks like my ex. Hell, the kid might have a girlfriend or might be a douchebag. But it doesn't even matter. Because suddenly I'm intrigued by mystery boy and found a little something to take my mind off the ex (not completely but it helps). It also gives me hope for the feeling of finding someone new who doesn't know about the old you... someone who can't judge you for your past. Maybe I'm a little crazy... but something really simple just made me feel better tonight, and hopeful for the first time in a while. Cheers to that.

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P.S. I'm 21!

 

edit: My brother just called me up to tell me I need to stop getting drunk (it happens on average once a month) and he said he told my mom about it. This was all before any mention of my birthday -_-. I guess this IS just another day. And if my ex doesn't say happy birthday i'm gonna try really hard to not think about whether he forgot it or if he isn't contacting me because I went NC.

 

P.P.S. Today I made up a list of negatives about my ex. They are:

 

- He's a frat boy... so that means he'll be attending plenty of drunken parties and events with his "bros".

 

- He has extremely close friends that are girls (maybe this is petty, I know).

 

- He didn't like to talk on the phone very often.

 

- He's going to have a travelling job and won't be around enough.

 

- He couldn't or didn't want to spend enough quality time with me aside from text messaging.

 

- He's immature in general and is 2 years younger than me.

 

- When his feelings for me started to change he never let me know it.

 

****. I still love him. But he doesn't care anymore. He doesn't care. He doesn't care. HE DOESN'T CARE. I need to repeat that to myself all day.

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DontWorryBHappy

Dear XXXXX,

 

I know I made mistakes in the relationship.... ones that I've apologized for. I also know that the circumstances were all against us. You were pledging your fraternity, I was unhappy with my major at school, and we were long distance. I understand now that when our communication died down a bit it wasn't because you didn't love me. It was because the relationship was transitioning into a comfortable routine. The thing is that the transition happened SO quickly because you became so busy once the pledging process began... It confused me. I kept worrying things had changed between us so I became more insecure, and you always insisted everything was fine, even if it wasn't. I realize now that our communication kind of sucked. Never once did we sit down and say "Ok, this is the problem. This is what we can do to solve it." I think you and I both had more work to do on ourselves before we could work on a relationship... that much is clear. But I'll tell you one thing. Despite the mistakes I made, my love for you was real and still is. Even if I would be willing to move past the issues that were there and talk about why they happened as a couple, I know you can't do that right now, or maybe not ever (with me). Basically, I made some dumb mistakes and didn't know how to correct them at the time.... and I can't change the past. It's done. All I have left are my feelings and the knowledge I've gained from the experience. It still hurts... I miss you so much. But I can't make you come back. I have to live my life now.... with or without you.

 

(no, I didn't send this. these are simply my current thoughts.)

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DontWorryBHappy

Birthday recap:

 

So it started off crappy, but ended well. I got up and was thinking a lot about him.... Actually I'm still at the point where I'm thinking about him near constantly, which obviously sucks. But anyway... My mom drove 3 1/2 hours up here and we drove 1 1/2 hours to meet up with her (at a japanese restaurant). On the ride up I was terribly depressed. Today I really hit the depression stage and pretty much didn't say a word on that 1 1/2 hour trip. When we got to the restaurant I wasn't much better and was polite but not very engaging overall. I felt unbelievably guilty because my mom came so far but my mind just wouldn't get out of that down place.... It wasn't until the ride back home that I broke down in tears, which sparked conversation between my brother and I. That actually helped quite a bit since I had a chance to vent everything out and hear someone else evaluate the situation.

 

By the time we were home I admittedly was feeling somewhat better and we decided to go bowling. I was having a good time and then this one song came on.... The last time I heard it was at my ex's place and he was teaching me how to dance to it :(. That really brought back good memories and gave me a terrible urge to talk to him.... I'm noticing that when I start to actually enjoy myself those are the times when I most want to contact my ex, almost as if I forget we've broken up and I want to be silly with him like old times. The best thing I realized today is that I NEED, NEED, NEED to do everything in my power to become an independant, strong, confident woman over these next several months. Then I know I'll feel unstoppable no matter what the ex is doing or even if he's with someone else. I must be getting a little better, because yesterday I wouldn't have been able to utter that sentence.

 

I think I'm going to take all the sappy music off my playlist and replace it with every empowering song I can find, then I'm going to do a ****load of empowering things like getting super organized, working my ass off at the gym... etc. I'm also beginning to have small moments of feeling attraction towards other people. Granted, since the breakup with my ex (who was a black guy) I find myself only being attracted to black dudes and I pay white guys no attention... lol. So that's a little... different. In any case, I just need to stay busy. Tomorrow I might be going out with some friends..... I know this crap isn't over and I'm going to keep having ups and downs. But I'm taking steps to get better.... that's important for me to recognize. I can't wait until I'm truly the sexy, confident woman I know I have the potential to be. Perhaps I'll be grateful for this breakup later when I finally am!

 

p.s. As expected, ex didn't make contact.

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DontWorryBHappy

I broke NC... I don't feel like explaining why right now. I'm confused as ****. I almost wish I had never met my ex. He has TAKEN OVER MY MIND. This is a cluster****.

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A clusterf*ck is a wonderful term that I had not come across, here in ole Blighty, DWBH. I thank you for it.

 

It is, however, (as you know) a clusterf*ck of your own making, non?

 

Your self-esteem has taken a blow from him leaving you. You continuing to break contact will lower your opinion of yourself further. It's that simple.

 

Stop beating yourself up like this and allow yourself to heal.

 

x

 

P.S. Glad you had a bit of fun on your birthday. Remember, at this time: every minute counts.

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The Non-Student

Love your healing log. Have you thought about starting a blog instead? Not that I don't like reading it on here, because I do, but because if you have so much to say, a blog might be therapeutic and cathartic for you. I write one about my break-up and I've found it to be really helpful thus far.

 

Sounds you are really making strides with your breeak-up. Keep it up.

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Thanks for the comments.... Right now my mind is a mess. Mickleb, you can thank RM for clusterf*ck... I stole it from him. Lol. Let me just go through what's happened on my journey so far post-breakup.

 

- Initial shock. Ex didn't want to stop talking to me, wanted to remain friends. I clung to this for a few days because it would've hurt too much not to. He texted me at least a few times a day, which made me momentarily happy, then I'd crash.

 

- I started researching stuff on the internet like crazy. I bought more than one "get your ex back" product. Didn't mention that on here til now because I knew you guys would shake your heads in shame at me.

 

- I kept hearing about how agreeing to a friendship meant death for people that want their exes back... so I sent a short NC message but kept my ex on facebook.

 

- On about the 5th day of no contact I broke it and told my ex I still wanted him in my life. This was partly because one of the "get your ex back" things I bought told me that no contact was a bad idea... lol wtf.

 

- I noticed that this time around my ex was contacting me less than before. I thought maybe I'd ****ed up so I freaked out.

 

- One night I went out drinking and made the huge mistake of drunk texting my ex. I said things like "I've been working my ass off to fix any problems that were in our relationship because I've never loved someone so much in my life." Yeah.

 

- The next day I sent a text saying "Sorry for last night. I don't know if this is a good idea but I kinda want to ask you a couple things later." Clearly this *was not* a good idea. No response.

 

- The day after that I watched The Notebook, decided I wanted to be like Noah, and sent the sappiest no contact message you could ever imagine. It was so full of sap, it was overflowing. Not exaggerating even a little. I titled it "Goodbye for now" and blocked him from facebook.

 

- Lasted a couple days with that before buying another "get your ex back" product that told me it's better to stay in contact than not. I was worried I'd effectively closed the door for him to contact me again.

 

- So last night at 4:38 AM I sent the following text message:

 

"Hey XXXXX... I wanted to send you this to apologize for the way I've acted (i.e. Emo facebook message). Really I've done a poor job getting across that I felt we needed some space (hence why you aren't on my fb list right now). Over the last few days I have realized a lot of things and am coming to terms with the breakup. I just want you to be happy because you're a great person (though a little odd sometimes :p). I'm taking steps to move on... Going out with friends... Plans for the weekend, etc. Things feel like they're actually starting to come together. I'd like to tell you about it sometime... Maybe we can catch up in the future. For now I do want to give you your space. Call or text me if you want to talk. And take care of yourself..."

 

Woah. That was the longest text ever. Clearly I suck. But I don't have to suck forever, right? Live and learn? This will get better. It has to now. I think I've succeeded in making every mistake... only place to go is up!

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So even after my clear-headed message that I sent the ex (breaking NC) last night, I figured he probably thought I was crazy and woudn't contact me for a month (or anymore). To my surprise he sent me a message today... broke the ice by telling me he was in Georgia for the day. In my last message I told him I'd give him space, but he could call or text if he wanted to talk. I suppose he took this to mean we can go back to talking regularly because a couple hours later I got a "Wat u up to?" message. I told him I had my birthday and bought my first drink today.... he mentioned he wanted to go out too and that he might tonight. I said I might go out as well (with a friend). I was feeling good tonight... A LOT more stable, less emotional, etc. Then out of nowhere he sends me a message at around 11:30pm telling me he's on his way to a club. L-o-l. Why did he go out of his way to tell me he was heading to a club? Thanks ex, now I'll picture you grinding on other girls until I go to sleep tonight. Was that the goal here? Grrrrrrr, whatever.

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DontWorryBHappy

How will I start tomorrow without you here?

Who's heart will guide me while all the answers disappear?

Is it too late, are you too far gone to stay?

Best friends forever, should never have to go away!

 

What will I do? You know I'm only half without you

How will I make it through?

 

If only tears could bring you back to me

If only love could find a way

What I would do, what I would give if you

Returned to me, someday, somehow, someway

If my tears could bring you back to me

 

I'd cry you an ocean if you'd sail on home again

Waves of emotion will carry you, I know they can

Just let love guide you and your heart will chart the course

Soon you'll be drifting into the arms of your true north!

 

Look in my eyes, you'll see a million tears have gone by

And still they're not dry!

 

If only tears could bring you back to me

If only love could find a way

What I would do, what I would give if you

Returned to me, someday, somehow, someway

If my tears could bring you back to me

 

I'd hold you close and shout the words I only whispered before

For one more chance, for one last glance

Theres not a thing, that I would not endure.

 

If only tears could bring you back to me

If only love could find a way!

What I would do, what I would give if you

Returned to me, someday, somehow, someway

If my tears could bring you back to me...

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CKyBBYp5auw

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Hey all.... Just checking in. I haven't really been updating this thing daily anymore, because I found that it was making me more depressed to constantly come on here whining about my ex. In any case...

 

The ex told me that because of fraternity BS he is not allowed to use his phone this week (which is about through). This is common for that frat (or maybe all frats ... I dont know). It's the whole secrecy thing and the pledging process is about over, so yeah. I haven't heard from him since the 12th. Am I hoping he contacts me? Hell yes :(.

 

A couple nights ago this kid from my therapy group called me up and asking if I wanted to go bowling. I had talked to him periodically whenever I saw him around and always thought he was kinda cute, etc. He brought along a few of his friends and we all ended up drinking and taking shots at the bowling alley. From there I ended up in the pool then back at his place.... Spent the night there and some "stuff" happened. I wouldnt go all the way with him because I openly admitted I was too hung up on my ex to go far with anyone else. Obviously the next morning was awkward and I'm debating whether to attend the last therapy meeting or not. lol...

 

Being with other people in any capacity definitely doesn't help matters for me at all. Although, It probably doesn't help that the dude wasn't AT ALL my type (personality-wise), and I'd never get into a relationship with him.

 

I don't know if you all know this.... but I'm transferring to my exe's university next semester. It's a decision I made PRIOR to this whole disaster and it was made because I really, genuinely, like the the school a whole lot and was accepted into it with the major I want. At my current school im in a major I dont like at all, and it's practically impossible to switch. Soo... I'm going to be visiting his school for a student preview day on the 23rd (yes, in 6 days). And I'm pretty positive I'll be seeing him. I'm nervous, I'm scared, I'm excited... I'm SCARED. Obviously I'm going to be wearing my metaphorical "confident woman hat" and will do my best to live up to it.... I'll be getting there via greyhound/taxi which is an adventure all in itself.

 

That's the update.

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I dont know if anyone reads this anymore, but whatever... it helps me to write.

 

Anyway... I feel weird. There are times when I miss my ex so much that I burst into tears and don't know how to handle it... and there are also times when I feel like I'm moving on, or really, that I don't know how I feel about him anymore. Maybe it's because we've talked so much less lately, or that he's finally acting aloof, or that I haven't seen him in person for around 6 weeks... Maybe it's that any connection we did have doesn't seem to be there anymore. How can it be when we don't talk? I'll admit I chased him a bit for the past couple days, in response to the sudden aloofness. I sent him messages asking him how he was or shooting a quick question or compliment. Mistake mistake mistake, I know, no need to tell me.

 

Speaking of mistakes... I'm in the process of trying to accept what's been done, whether it was a mistake or not. All day today I was beating myself up for the way I've handled the breakup. For several days I acted cool and calm about it... but after that the **** hit the fan and I did the drunk texting thing, the sappy message thing, implementing then retracting NC, blocking from facebook then unblocking, backing off for a bit, then chasing, then backing off again...... I did all of that. Maybe some parts of it weren't mistakes and other parts were... Frankly, trying to figure out where I've really gone wrong drives me up the wall because I keep hitting a dead end.

 

I think I have to get to a point where I stop analyzing all of this and simply accept it for what it is, regardless of who is at fault or what I did/didn't do. Continuously beating myself up for things I've said or done isn't going to get me anywhere.... I'm just about ready to metaphorically raise my white flag and admit that there isn't a damn thing I can do at this point to make things any different than they are now (except that I could probably make things worse... I'll be sure to avoid that! lol). Breakups are TOUGH, particularly when you feel so strongly for the person as I have... and to be honest it's DAMN HARD to maintain complete composure and NOT do something totally stupid (or more than one thing). If I've done anything epically stupid it was because I was so heartbroken that I practically didn't know up from down or right from left. So shoot me if I've done everything wrong... but hey, I'm human... a fool in love, so give me a break.

 

Yes, I still blame myself all the time. Except lately (as I said before) it's because of stuff I've done AFTER the breakup rather than during.... which seems so backwards, but hey. I guess I've wondered if I had kept my cool, kept talking to him as normal whenever he initiated anything... if I'd be in a better position now. But you know what? It just wasn't meant to be that way I guess.... because THIS is how things are. THIS is my reality, this is what I need to live with and accept. Can you tell how hard a time I'm having just to believe what I'm typing here?..... Yeah...... Well I see the ex in person, first time since the breakup a month ago, first time in 6 weeks,... on friday (or saturday). I have NO idea how I'll react to seeing him or how he'll react. I don't know if I'll still feel butterflies or ... well, I don't know much at all. But I'll let you know what happens.

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If you're definitely transferring to this university, DWBH, I suggest you get busy meeting some new FRIENDS (not potential partners/kids to get up to "stuff" with, etc). Or even check out the library.

 

It's a whole university: why would you bump into him? Even if you had the great misfortune to do so, you can just tell him you're sorry, you can't chat, you've got lots you need to do. Then smile and get on with it. (The stuff you really need to be doing.)

 

x

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Hi DWBH, just read your whole log, and it was great. I guess it is just 'good' (i don't feel great about much atm, I'm sure you understand, the fact I'm reading about someone who seems to be as upset as me is a small ray of light... not that I'm glad you aren't happy, well.. um... so yeah, I'm english, and hence my awkwardness)... um... so... the part where you said you feel at your worst when you feel happy really resonated with me. I don't think anyone who hasn't been like this will really understand, I mean, the logic of it seems absurd. It is difficult as so many of my friends were supportive of me at first, and now they just seem to get annoyed that I'm still down. I know they care, I know they want me to be happy. But they think I know I should do what I know will make me happy, and that is, to eventually get over her... the problem is, that's not what I want atm. Your facebook thing has made me think...I use facebook so much usually, at college, all of my socialising is based around it, the last break-up I had, I just didn't log in for a month and when I did it was only ok because my ex had deleted me as a friend. I don't want to delete my ex, because I guess due to the way our break-up happened, I still want to think there is some hope, in the far off future. I just deleted her from mini-feed, so at least I won't see her unless i want to (which i cannot think i will want to for a good while) but I was just on, and she came on fbchat, didn't say anything to me, but i resisted the temptation to say anything (think that is the first time we have ever both been on there and not spoken)...not a big achievement, but I'm walking in baby steps atm

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mickleb: Don't worry... I'm not exactly going to be inviting him out to lunch. (believe it or not I considered that...). This is my chance to put on my confident hat and strut my stuff. He knows I'm gona be there on Friday. If I just go about my business and focus on my own stuff, only good will come from that.

 

Ethan: I definitely know what you mean about the logic being totally backwards (regarding feeling worse when you're happy for a bit). It's almost like you feel guilty or odd for being happy.... or sometimes being happy just emphasizes that you were happy about something - but WITHOUT them. I completely get it. About the facebook thing.... I've doubted my decision so many times... but I dont regret taking him off my facebook. I realize we needed some space from each other. Emotions are so high after a break up that neither person is thinking straight at first. Plus, him being on my facebook always resulted in excessive stalking. NOT GOOD at all for healing yourself and getting a grip on things. It's just like rubbing salt into your own wounds.

 

 

So.... It's Thursday. This is it. Classes ended yesterday for me. Tomorrow I'm off to his town.... his school. Don't know what to expect and actually am not entirely sure where I'll be sleeping yet. But this **** is going down at 8:30AM Friday morning (when my bus leaves). I've got an appointment to get my hair cut and styled, brows waxed, gonna head to the mall and pick up a cheap dress or something to make me feel confident. This weekend will be all about me being a happy, independent person who has her **** together. I'll be sure to fill you all in later...

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The following is the most important update in this log so far..... It's a recounting of the past 3 days when I saw my ex for the first time in 6 weeks (broken up for 5 weeks).

 

On friday I went to his school for a student preview day event that was going to take place saturday. I asked some people that my ex knew if they wouldn't mind me crashing on their floors for friday and saturday but it never worked out for one reason or another..... so my ex was going to let me stay in his room. Anyway more about that later. When I arrived he was sitting in the lounge of his dorm alone on his computer. We hugged and he proceeded to act largely unphased by my presence (which I know was an effort since his good friend later told me he hadn't been himself since finding out I was coming down).

 

I took my stuff to his room and was dead tired from the greyhound.. so I slept while he went sailing with friends. Later that night two of his friends (girls) came in with keys... One of them told me that my ex wasn't comfortable with me staying in his room. They said he didn't tell me himself because he was too scared of hurting my feelings or whatever. That was a bit disappointing that he couldn't come out and say it himself, but I took my stuff to one of those girl's rooms and that was that.

 

That night we all went out to a club for this other girl's birthday. I danced with several guys but of course was really hung up on what my ex was doing. We tended to dance nearby each other most of the time. Finally toward the end of the night I got up the courage to ask him to dance. We ended up dancing really close to each other.... then our faces were close... then I went in for the kill and kissed him. He didn't pull away and instead got playful about it (biting my lip, etc). We kept dancing until the club closed and made out I think one other time. He acted like I didn't exist once the music stopped.

 

The next day he was more distant. I went to the student preview event and saw him going around campus on a long board. He smiled at me as he went past... and I eventually got done with the event for the day. I decided I'd ask him to go to dinner with me that night - figured we could talk for the first time in weeks (because random crumb texts do not constitute talking). When I went to his door to ask him it was quite uncomfortable... He let me in then immediately went directly back to what he was doing before. After a few minutes I asked him about dinner and he asked when... I said whenever, he said seven-ish... I said ok then left. Finally the time came. At first we sat outside on a bench and things were incredibly awkward for several minutes...... so awkward that at one point he literally read all the ingredients on the back of a pack of trail mix OUT LOUD. Yes, that awkward. Luckily we moved inside to the school chapel which was much quieter and warmer. It was then that I finally opened up.... told him how hard the break up had been... told him I had missed him so much... that id' do anything for him... that every day was difficult... told him that he doesn't realize how much he means to me. He said he does realize because he noticed me staring at him anytime I wasn't dancing with someone else at the club.

 

After I opened up to him he really softened up and motioned for me to sit with him in his chair. I ended up on his lap and we got really close... It was nice. He smiled at me for the first time that weekend and gave me butterfly kisses. Again I ended up going for a kiss and he again didn't pull away... but kissed back and had fun with it too... I could tell. I asked him what the kissing meant and he said he didn't know... an exchange that would occur twice on my trip. In any case I was happy... I caught a glimpse of the boy I had fallen in love with. Unfortunately he had to go to a fraternity thing though but told me he'd be back at around 2am if I was going to be awake. I was awake and he texted me on the way back to the dorms.... Upon getting back they all hung out in the lounge for a bit before he decided to go to bed. Finally he sent me a message telling me to come by his room... that there was no point in us both being alone when it wasn't necessary. I got in there and climbed into bed with him.... He seemed unsure and nervous for a few minutes... he didn't really move much or look at me. I initiated things and it escalated... we ended up getting it on and it was nice... but of course I kept looking for things to be exactly like before. I looked for the light in his eyes that I once remembered... his smile... anything to make me feel we were connected. Sometimes I caught those little glimpses. In the end though, we finished and he became tired quite fast (or pretended to get tired quite fast) and fell asleep.

 

In the morning he was still very tired (or was still pretending to be) and I got up to work out the details of going back to my school. Unfortunately the events of the night before really got to me, especially with the whole us still being broken up thing, so I was a wreck for basically the entire day. It was so bad that I pushed my bus ticket back by several hours... thinking maybe I'd get to talk to the ex in person one last time before I wouldn't see him for the longest time yet... likely not until August. To my dismay he went to a fraternity meeting and didn't come back for the rest of the evening. I decided to write him a letter and gave it to his friend (now my friend too) to give to him. The letter basically said that I have no expectations, regardless of what happened... that it was great seeing him and getting to experience some of the kind of moments we shared when we were together.... but that I know things are broken now and I'm learning to live with it. I wished him well and told him the door is always open for him to talk to me.

 

I also mentioned in the letter that I still wanted him in my life and would add him back to facebook... and that I hoped he'd accept. The thing is... I've decided not to add him back. Once I left his town and got on the bus, then got into that cold greyhound terminal, surrounded by strangers, I texted him once to tell him I missed him already, that I was thinking about him, and I hoped he would have a good night. No response of course. At that point it hit me... This is a person who had always said he'd be there for me (even said it after the breakup)... He'll say that in one breath then won't respond to messages or will act cold. So no, I'm not adding him back to facebook. I've realized that I can't talk to him anymore. When I got back into my city this morning, after a 9 hour greyhound ride and a taxi, it really hit home..........

 

The boy is gone. I couldn't accept it before because the last time I saw him in person was filled with happy memories of us being a couple and I couldn't shake those. But this time I had a chance to see up close in person his change of heart. I actually got to witness his game of hot and cold... acting affectionate one minute then acting like I don't exist th next. He's probably more confused than I am at this point... and I say whatever. I do not WANT him back with the way HE IS NOW. I wanted the guy back that I fell in love with... and he just isn't that guy right now, or anymore. I know I made some mistakes in the relationship..... but I have more than made up for them with the amount of love and tears I've shed over this whole thing. I've given him my whole heart and have let him tear it up while it was already torn. If I could tell him something right now, I'd tell him he's immature. He played an equal role in kissing me, sleeping with me, telling me to sit on his lap, inviting me to his room... then he turns around the next day and acts cold and distant... ignores my text message for us to talk things out.

 

I really hope he looks back on this later and realizes that he was the one being an ass while I did nothing but love him like a fool. And I hope he feels guilty over it for a long time. I no longer know who he is and still have love for the person he was... which is something I hope to get over given enough time. Either way, I'm done. I'm washing my hands of the whole thing.... I give up. I've put my whole heart into this and it's been rejected for the most part... so I've got nothing more to give. I deleted his number from my phone - luckily I never memorized it. I have no desire to make any future contact with him... which I believe is why me going up there was worth it. It forced me to finally swallow reality. No matter what though.. I damn well know he'll remember how much I cared. He wont forget. But I also know that his feelings and whatever he does are no longer any of my concern..... It's time to forget about him and live my life. If he doesn't contact me again then screw him... I deserve someone who won't reject my love and who will want to work things out with me instead of walking away. I still love the little coward... I do. I hope I meet someone else who catches my attention.

 

That's pretty much it..... I'm still dead tired from last night. I'm going to sleep.

Edited by DontWorryBHappy
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DontWorryBHappy

He blocked me from facebook. Obviously in response to the letter I had his friend give to him where I said I'd add him back, and hoped he would accept. Honestly I had already decided NOT to re-add him, but he blocked me anyway. Now.... it is VERY unlike him to quarrel with people or block them or anything of the sort... so this is extreme for him. In any case, WHAT THE **** EVER!

 

Hey buddy, YOU WERE THE ONE that invited me to your room on Saturday night. What did you think we would do, play cards!?!?!?!? My last words to him were "Know that I'm here for you" which is something he'd always said to me. Then he BLOCKS ME. Like what the ****??? It's all bull**** basically. He'd say he would be there for me but it was NEVER true. He wasn't capable of it. Well, I hope he's wracked with guilt over this for months and months and I hope he looks back on this and REMEMBERS that he was the immature one who went and blocked me after mutually participating in everything we did. He'll remember that I showed NOTHING but stupid love toward him and he was the one who stomped on it. Fine, jerk, take me out of your life. I'd rather be on your block list than the other way around... that way I can be the one who is TRUE to my word to always be there, while YOU can stare at my name on your "blocked users" lists and know that what you said was all BULL****. Good luck with your ****ty frat brothers - I hope you drink too much and have lots of meaningless sex.

 

Anyway, he probably did me a favor. Now I can do nothing but move on. I'm blocked on his facebook, he's deleted from my phone. I literally have no way of communicating with him... and that's awesome.

Edited by DontWorryBHappy
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sheesh, I just read your last two posts, and I really really feel for you. It is such a rollercoaster! BUT, at the same time, I if I have to be honest, also feel sorry for him. He is trying to get over you, and yet he still really cares for you, when you were there, it was very very very difficult to push you away... even though, ultimately, i think he has a negative vibe about you getting back together...you need to remember how he could still really like you, but it doesn't mean he is able to push you away. I know he should do. It isn't fair on you. But he is human. I'm sure he feels he misses you all the time. And when you are there, it makes sense. I wish there is something i could suggest to make things better, but I really can't, I'm not saying it is over forever, but I can't say it isn't. Such a mess. The one thing I do know is though, you need to stop now. You cannot do this to yourself. You need to stop. It is just going to hurt you. You are doing something which is going to hurt you, and if you continue to do that, you have yourself to blame.

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sheesh, I just read your last two posts, and I really really feel for you. It is such a rollercoaster! BUT, at the same time, I if I have to be honest, also feel sorry for him. He is trying to get over you, and yet he still really cares for you, when you were there, it was very very very difficult to push you away... even though, ultimately, i think he has a negative vibe about you getting back together...you need to remember how he could still really like you, but it doesn't mean he is able to push you away. I know he should do. It isn't fair on you. But he is human. I'm sure he feels he misses you all the time. And when you are there, it makes sense. I wish there is something i could suggest to make things better, but I really can't, I'm not saying it is over forever, but I can't say it isn't. Such a mess. The one thing I do know is though, you need to stop now. You cannot do this to yourself. You need to stop. It is just going to hurt you. You are doing something which is going to hurt you, and if you continue to do that, you have yourself to blame.

 

Nice advice, Ethan.

 

DWBH - the Anger stage is a good one. Helps you to move on. But Ethan is right - unless you stop involving yourself with him, you will be the one you are angry at.

 

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