Looking for an objective perspective on this friends with benefits situation...

[cellardoor]

I need your advice! Forgive me if you've heard this sort of story before, I'm sure I'm not the first to be in this situation; however, seeing things from another perspective often helps when seeing something for what it is, and not what you want it to be...

 

Let me explain the situation, and I'll try not to make it too long (as I do have this tendency to be verbose).

 

I've been friends with this guy for about a year and a half. He always had a girlfriend, and he was a work mate, so I just didn't think about him in That Way. Anyway, he broke up with his last girlfriend about two months ago, which we'd talked about a bit - I offered no advice one way or the other, I basically just listened to him as he tried to sort his head out. He said he wanted to be single for a minimum of six months, just to sorta figure out who he was.

 

About a month ago, we were randomly chatting online (which we'd do from time to time but with no regularity), and by this stage we'd actually become good friends. I mean we weren't hanging out every week, but we'd speak fairly frequently and see each other in group situations now and then. Somehow, seemingly out of nowhere the conversation turned sexual, both of us kind of shocked at the direction it was taking, but both of us egging each other on until we agreed that it would definitely culminate with us sleeping together. Both of us said "woah, I seriously never expected this to happen!" at almost the same time.

 

During that conversation we had discussed friends-with-benefits, and how they could get tricky because in his experience the girls ended up falling for him. Both of us agreed that neither of us were looking for a relationship, and that as long as lines of communication stay open things would be okay.

 

So we slept together, and it was amazing, sensual and so comfortable. I'll spare you the gory details, but it was definitely upper-tier sex! There was even some basking in the afterglow, hand holding, laying draped over one another and talking about random stuff. Afterwards everything was fine, and normal, we were back to just being friends. In fact I think we're better friends now than we were prior to sleeping together.

 

We talk most days, but there's no pressure to talk. To be honest he initiates most conversation, and will usually chat to me most days. Sometimes it's sexual, sometimes not - sometimes he'll drop something really naughty in and it just devolves from there! Other times it's just friendly chat and totally not sexual at all. It's weird, because most guys I know are more interested in the benefits than the friendship, and it's kind of throwing me a curve ball.

 

We only slept together that once, but have spoken numerous times about doing it again in the future, but for various reasons it hasn't yet come to fruition. This doesn't bother either of us, and my attitude tends to be, if it happens, that's great, but if I'm too busy or we don't feel like it, that's totally fine too. There's definitely a mutual desire to come back for round 2.

 

So here's the problem... I think I might be developing a wee bit of a crush on him. I'm not sure, though. There's a part of me that really likes him, but what I can't determine is if it's just a friendly like, with the lust thrown on top. Some days I'm certain that I don't see him as more than a friend with whom there are benefits. Other days I think about how lovely he is and maybe one day... then I slap myself across the face and everything is back to normal.

 

Sometimes I get the feeling that he likes me a lot, but also we're young and not wanting to get into anything serious. What are your experiences with FWB? Do feelings usually develop? I really don't want to talk to him about it, because it would be an unnecessary complication, I guess I just want to figure out where my head is at. I know he likes me a lot as a person, and he always shows utmost respect, both inside the bedroom and out... I guess my gut feeling is that we might one day go for something more, but not just yet.

 

I usually have to be careful, because I am prone to seeing things through the hopeful, rose-tinted glasses. I try my hardest to be realistic, and as honest with myself as possible. I know that right now nothing could eventuate - neither of us WANT the complication of a relationship... but we get along really well, and are starting to develop this really close friendship. I'm not holding out for anything, and I certainly didn't get into this hoping it would develop into more.

 

I guess I want to know what has happened with you guys, has it ever worked out? How do you figure out if what you're feeling is just friendship + lust, or actually something more?

 

Well, so much for not being verbose! If you made it through this wall of text, place your hand on the screen for an internet high-five.

 

xx

[bolase]

Hey I just had to shoot a quick reply as I'm in almost the exact same situation, so I guess it is common enough except I live with the guy in question. I don't know how to proceed from here, neither does he!

 

SO you are not alone.

 

I don't want to get into a friends with benefits thing but I'm not sure I want a relationship either - though I am really liking his company in every way and we are very close. I asked him recently whether we were just friends because unless there was some level of commitment thats what we should be. He said he really wanted to be with me, but we would have ot open with other housemates etc, and then I backed out. I would decide whether you are going to want exclusivity and give it a proper shot, otherwise you will probably get hurt.

 

Good luck!

[saltnpepper]

From my advanced age, lust and deeper feelings are pretty different. The main distinction is that I get the warm fuzzy happy feelings and no lust. Lust needs to be triggered against that backdrop. Friendship really feels different.

 

My last girl Ms. D was clearly a friend, a dear friend, but a friend nevertheless. Who every now and then I'd help out with a sexual itch and vice versa.

 

My current special friend is clearly a mutual love deal, with sex thrown in on top when we can manage it, but really, the mutual love thing so overpowers.

 

The transition from "I like you and I don't need a lover" to "get those pants off now!" wasn't even particularly bumpy. Likely to be different for every couple.

 

have fun

[yellow]

Be careful....I was in a similar situation as you can read in my post "whats going on in this guys head". Although, your situation seems a little more less complicated. In my situation, I thought the same thing.. im not getting involved with this guy emotionally..and then our "one night stand" turned into multiple sleep overs a few times a week.. then cuddling and kissing and cooking dinner and watching movies..the connection grew, and our feelings for eachother grew. Thing is.. I eventually put so much of myself into the "relationship/friendship" that the only way to feel satisfied in order to not lose my dignity at that point was to progress with the relationship to a more meaningful level called commitment. HE on the other hand after 6 months of this, still says he isn't ready for a serious relationship after going through his breakup with his EX. BUT of course he still wants me around all the time! and of course I want to be around all the time! thing is when and where do we put our feelings aside in order to stay strong as woman and say NO, this is what I want. BELIEVE me.. if you are developing a crush on him now.. it will be great.. you two will hit it off, have great chemistry.. have great sex.. and its FUN, but you probably will begin to having deeper feelings for him eventually and let me tell you.. it wont be so FUN anymore when this happens. your mind will start spinning, and he will wonder what happened? JUST BE CAREFUL if you decide to go with this. I didnt think I wanted a relationship with my guy either.. now i cant sleep, and im always crying because I cut ties with him and i miss him...because I just couldn't sell myself short anymore.. OF COURSE he is not happy..he says im the best thing in his life. Well.. if thats the case then why isnt he with me?? IT HURTS because of course i want to go over there and close my eyes to reality just to have one more night with him.. but its too painful.

 

I wish I remained just his friend from the beginning up until now...because maybe now or in a few months from now we could have finally started something on the right terms...even though we are considered still friends.. im not sleeping with him nor calling him anymore. Once you get attached its very hard to cut the cord.

 

Good Luck! Keep us updated!

[cellardoor]

Ah, thanks for the replies and advice. It's nice to know I'm not alone!

 

It's bizarre, because every day, how I feel about it changes. Some days I have this big churny mess in my stomach and I get little pangs of... something. Other days I feel nothing. There's a mild fondness, where I'm like, oh... he's a nice boy, but nothing more.

 

I guess I kind of want to spare myself the heartache. It's not at that point yet, and I don't WANT feelings to develop - but to be honest I'm not sure they will. I feel naive saying that, because of course I cannot predict this silly heart of mine! But it's so separate, like the person I'm friends with is a completely separate person to the guy I'm sleeping with.

 

I dunno... I was once in love with a man, a long time ago. We were in love with each other but for a number of reasons couldn't be together. And letting that go hurt like hell, and I sobbed, I hugged myself to get to sleep, and I felt that all consuming ache that made the whole room feel so small. But I got over it, and I was fine and now I think of him and feel nothing.

 

Yes, it's painful, yes it's awful at the time, but I am very confident in my ability to deal with those emotions and move on. There's no disappointment or loss of love that I haven't been able to get over, and to heal from.

 

I spoke to him last night, and he was a bit standoffish... okay maybe that's the wrong word - I made some suggestive comments and was brutally rebuffed! And by brutally rebuffed, I mean he sorta laughed them off and kept talking about boring non sexual stuff like work and if I was enjoying my new job!

[trueluV]

But it's so separate, like the person I'm friends with is a completely separate person to the guy I'm sleeping with.

 

I'm somewhat in a similar situation as you, and my post is out there -'crazy about my friend'. So yes, I started developing feelings to my friend, greater day by day after we slept together.

 

but as you mentioned above, when we're not in the bedroom, he feels like a completely separate person, a good friend who would listen to me venting or would encourage me. The funny thing is though, since i slept with him (only once, but almost happened another time) i have feelings for him now, so i can't really honestly talk about "boys" with him, hahah, which i would normally do with my guy friends, and that is just one start, and of course it feels like a crush so i get a little "shy" around him too.

 

well, 2 years ago when i first slept with him, he was so sweet and the sex was like what you've described in your post, but we eventually stopped talking, and out of the blue, i missed him so much i contacted him last week and we met up, and hooked up again, and my feelings to him have all came back again, stronger....

 

it's pretty scary, and i'm so lost now. He didn't want a girlfriend then, and maybe now too, but i think girls like us want more once we have feelings for the guy, though in our mind we "try" to be cool, it's just in our nature to want stableness with a guy.

 

not sure how things will go with your friend/crush, but good luck and keep us posted! I'd like to know how you're dealing with it. (would help me too!)

[inin111]

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[inin111]

friends with benefits does not work you will just end up hurting yourself. if you see/talk to this person all the time and specially that when you have sex that there are sweet/romantic moments, you will just inevitably fall for the guy. i have been in a similar situation, a few years ago me and this co worker started having a sexual relationship, we're friends and we hang out with the same group of people and then when it all started i thought that i was above it, i mean i thought i wouldnt never have a thing for him but i was wrong, i called it a phase, i had a phase where i constantly talk about him with my other friends and i was sort of thinking about him all the time, in short i was starting to develop a thing for him which i didnt want at all. Few years passed, we still see each other and have sex but i cant say that were really friends you know and this set up works for me. I would never want to do it with someone that there's a potential of me falling inlove with, i mean if its just sex. girls in general are just too emotional, im not saying all girls but most girls, it's just the way it is. you just have to be realistic about it. if you think you can still handle the situation like you still want to see him, talk to him, hang out with him and have sex with him then by all means go ahead but im telling you, if youre developing a crush then you’ll be expecting or wanting to be more than FWB, its just gunna get worse, if he does not offer anything more than just sex and that "friendship", youre gunna get hurt...sorry

[CarrieT]

It's bizarre, because every day, how I feel about it changes. Some days I have this big churny mess in my stomach and I get little pangs of... something. Other days I feel nothing. There's a mild fondness, where I'm like, oh... he's a nice boy, but nothing more.

 

The mere fact that you are feeling SOMETHING shows you are already invested, despite days of "nothing."

 

As he has already said, too many girls start to "feel something for him" and you have already crossed that line (although he may not know it yet).

 

There is no good solution; you can either 'fess up to him and be forward, or walk away entirely, lest it get a ton more complicated and nasty.

 

Don't delude yourself that it can continue this way without someone getting hurt OR it developing into a full-blown relationship, but HONESTY is key and you need to talk to him about it and take the consequences. You never know; he might be feeling similarly or you might lose the friendship. That's the price you pay with FWB...

[cellardoor]

Ah, you're all completely right. So last night we were hanging out with a group of mutual friends, and I found it kind of awkward. It was mostly that I was very conscious of the fact that I didn't want to act awkwardly, and the irony certainly isn't lost on me! Hahahahaha, oh how typical...

 

Then we started talking about this other girl who he has recently started seeing, who he is a bit smitten with, and he looked really uncomfortable talking about it with me. Aside from the whole 'oh, that's right, we're friends with benefits, i have to be happy for you' moment, I think more than anything I was annoyed that we lost that easy way we used to talk about stuff.

 

I have always felt that if it ever came to it, I'd just drop the sexual stuff and would prefer to preserve the friendship, but I feel like sexualising our friendship has kinda damaged the friendship, AND now I am going to have to cut off the sex. I don't like that it has made things awkward. I can totally see how if I let it keep going it's just going to spiral wildly out of control, and I will end up being hurt and the friendship will be destroyed in the process.

 

Thanks for the advice, I think I needed a bit of a kick up the butt to stop the daydreaming, haha.

[dazzle22]

Sadly, this is the way most FWB situations end up for the woman. Women bond a lot during sex unless they are seasoned pros with their guard up, but usually, the guy is much more capable of separating sex and emotions and so the woman is the loser, because she cares more.

 

Now you see where his head is at. He is now in limerance with some other woman. By being FWB, you automatically put yourself on the back burner, "runner up" spot, leaving the "winner" spot wide open. You didn't think you wanted it, but your emotions changed. Very few women manage to move up in such a situation. I would take this as a good lesson for the future when confronted with another guy friend.

 

Remember that no one, and that is girlfriends too, will give you more respect than you demand of them. I used to demand little of friends and lovers. And guess what, that is exactly what I got!! :eek:Now I demand A LOT. You gotta be real good to me to keep me now!

[CarrieT]

I have always felt that if it ever came to it, I'd just drop the sexual stuff and would prefer to preserve the friendship, but I feel like sexualising our friendship has kinda damaged the friendship, AND now I am going to have to cut off the sex. I don't like that it has made things awkward. I can totally see how if I let it keep going it's just going to spiral wildly out of control, and I will end up being hurt and the friendship will be destroyed in the process.

 

Thanks for the advice, I think I needed a bit of a kick up the butt to stop the daydreaming, haha.

 

Yep. If you want to maintain the friendship, you have to stop the sex NOW. In a way, the friendship is already damaged as you felt the discomfort in his being attracted to a new girl.

 

My recommendation is to have an open and frank talk with him; explain that you want to go back to that friendship and NOT have a FWB situation, all the time wishing him the best and hoping he finds what/who makes him happy.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Yes, feelings can develop. Unfortunately, that does not mean that a relationship will.

[dancehead]

You sound like where I was 9 years ago, only I was the guy in the situaton and I was getting feelings. I would be careful because 8-9 years later I am still not knowing what to do about her. I am sure you are far too sensible to end up like me, but we have a very close friendship like you have. That really clouded my mind in the whole situation.

[cellardoor]

Well I've been thinking a lot, trying to figure my head out and see where I'm actually at with this whole situation. Last time I posted I was definitely confused as to how I was feeling. Fortunately, a whole lot of time to think has really helped me sort my head out.

 

So last time I posted I wasn't sure how I felt about this guy, or if I was going to continue the FWB thing. I think I may even have made some pledge to end it.

 

We slept together again, and it was really great sex - but what stopped it from crossing that line between great sex and best sex ever was the lack of emotional connection. You know how sometimes, even if you're attracted to a person, you just don't... feel it? Well that's what we have. We're friends - not really close friends, but friends.

 

I see him every now and then in a non-sexual context... the other day we hung out with this new girl he’s seeing (I mentioned her in a previous post) and it was a lot of fun. She’s a sweet girl, and if they get serious I would whack him on the head if he tried to keep up this FWB situation. It wasn’t awkward for either of us, and any weird feelings I had about him seeing other people I think can be attributed more to that whole comparison thing, like… is she better than me? Is she better in bed? It was just the stirring of those little insecurities that weirded me out, rather than any sort of possessiveness about him.

 

I honestly don't think I'm capable of feeling anything more than platonic friendliness towards him. He just doesn't elicit any kind of emotional response from me. The sexual chemistry we have just doesn't translate into anything outside the bedroom. We get along quite well, but a relationship is not something I'll ever want with him.

 

I'm still going to end the FWB thing, for a few reasons: firstly, because I know feelings can change, and while I'm okay now, later it might be a case of "famous last words". Secondly, I think this girl might really like him, and I don't really wanna get involved with that. I know it's not my responsibility, but I got the impression that she thought they were dating exclusively - and it's more about what I feel comfortable with. Thirdly, this actually feels a lot like settling, and I want no part of that. My favourite part of relationships is the emotional connection. Without that, you've got sexual chemistry, which wears off, and friendship if you're lucky.

 

Thanks for the advice, guys, really helped with me sorting my head out.

 

Xx