A bit more complicated of a break up. Cultural Differences between us

[vdiddy210]

Hi all,

 

I've dated the same girl for three and a half years. She was my first real girlfriend (I had lesser things but nothing of this caliber).

 

I am of Indian decent (born in India, moved here when I was very young, no accent, nothing). I met her in high school and and we became best friends and then by senior year we started to date. I never anticipated making this relationship last past High School so after senior year was over I broke it off. I ultimately couldn't last without her and I got her back. We were fine in college, she was long distance her first year, and we had a good time and over the summer I had mixed feelings and broke it off, AGAIN. I know I sound like a complete and utter ******* at the moment, but keep reading.

 

That summer, I debated long and hard and ultimately realized that I love her too much to lose her. I pleaded my case and had to jump through all these hoops to win her back. It was well worth it because she was/is the love of my life. Now i'm a junior and just recently I broke it off with her and this time I have every intention to keep it this way.

 

NOW, you may be wondering what's up? well as stated earlier, I'm of Indian decent and my (ex) girlfriend is Caucasian. You can imagine where this is going... My parents can't stand her. They refuse to meet her and they don't mind me dating non-Indian girls but want me to only ultimately end up with an Indian girl (like most Indian parents do). The problem is, that over the course of the relationship I feel so deeply in love with this girl that I could see myself marrying her and living a long and happy life. But I have an obligation to my parents and I can't let them down as well. Before everyone jumps down my throat about how I shouldn't care, it isn't an option. I care HEAVILY about my parents, but I care about as equally about her. I broke up with her because I do not want to string her along and keep giving her these false hopes that we could live together. I felt as if I did the right thing.

 

The problem is that old flames die hard. I cannot get her out of my mind. On the one hand I look at how much fun single life can be and how I am being semi-noble in all of this. On the other hand, I keep thinking about her. We had our issues, true. But we never had a major fight just small quibbles and when I said this girl would do anything for me, I mean it. anything.

 

Now here is the last twist. I know that I should not go back to her primarily because I do not want to string her along. I also know that if my parents love me they would understand what makes me happy. We wouldn't get married until we were nice and settled (read: years from now) so I know something else could get in the way, but am I throwing it away for something ridiculous and selfish? She also once told me (semi-recently 6 months or so) that if I ever did break up with her again she wouldn't get back with me. This of course was when we were all fine and dandy just hanging at her place cuddling and watching TV, so who knows.

 

I'm really confused and I've noticed that most of you (if not all!) tend to give some pretty top notch advice. So any help?!

 

thanks!

[Davey McG]

So basically your parents are racist and you decided to live by their rules. Good move!

 

You've blown it and are just helping to keep racial divisions alive in society. Leave her alone and let your parents arrange a marriage for you because they clearly run your life.

 

By the way there is no nobility in your actions whatsoever, just cowardice. Leave her to find someone worthy of her love who would actually stand up for themselves and stand up for her. Let her find someone who won't bow down to their parents obscure, xenophobic and outdated viewpoints

 

Sorry I don't have anything nicer to say, but you're being a wuss.

[Els]

I would strongly advise that you post in a mainly Asian forum instead. To be honest, most non-Asians will not understand the sort of commitment and duty that we have to our parents.

 

Thus, I won't presume to advise you about your parents, but I honestly think you should not have just broken up with her without discussing things with her, though. If you're not planning on getting married anytime soon, I wouldn't throw away something like this over something that's so far away on the horizon. Do you think there's a possibility that your parents would let down their guard a little and accept things if you brought it up when you're older (several years from now)?

[vdiddy210]

@ Davey

thanks bud, way to tell me things I already know! You're ridiculous arrainged marriage? If you knew anything about Indian culture you know that those "xenophobic" beliefs are going by the wayside. My parents don't want me to lose the culture and traditions of my heritage. Big difference. How dare you call my parents racist, my parents have many non-indian friends and associates. There are millions of people in the world that do not want their children straying from their religion/race that doesn't make them racist. I am not a coward. I don't want to string her along not do I want to lose her. You've single handely made me want her more, marriage is something at 21 I am no where close to worried about. I was worried that this relationship would get too serious for both of us and we wouldn't know how to handle it. Why would you even respond if all you had to say were the things I explicitly borates in my post that I didn't want to hear? I know about all of that I was looking for other insights.

@ elswyth

thanks for you're response. I don't know to be honest. I think. That I've given my parents enough crap over the years that maybe they would, but I also think that maybe they would not. My ex and I have talked about this repeatedly over the course of the past three years, it wasn't out of the blue and I explained to her this when we broke up. She didn't take it as well obviously. I want to just say screw it and call her back now, but I'm also not sure if she'd take me back. It's a bit of a catch-22.

[TaraMaiden]

Classic culture clash, peppered with obligational guilt and conditioning.

 

I don't know where you live, but you're not in India now, so your decision is either to live *Indian* or live *where you are now*.

 

As an adult, (or when you become an adult) you are not bound by laws engendered and established in India, you are bound by laws engendered and established in your adopted country.

 

The imposition of your parents is cultural.

We can live in a multi-national society, but not a multi-cultural one.

 

Are you planning to return to India to work, live, stay, finish the remainder of your days?

I somehow doubt it....

 

Your parents have brought you to another country for better prospects, a better future and a better quality of life.

so now expecting you to adhere to "old World" standards is a difficulty they will have to get over.

 

Your decision is simple:

Sacrifice everything you have come to know, enjoy and practice, because your parents want you to do things their way,

 

or

 

stand your ground, adopt westernised living across the board, and explain to them ever so gently that you're sorry, but things are done differently *here*, (wherever 'here' is) and if they don't like it, they should have thought of that before subjecting you to such a wildly different culture.

you cannot be expected to live a life of different traditions, in a country where no such traditions exist.

 

A good friend of mine was put through an exceptional eduction by her parents here, and she achieved a position in her profession, never before achieved by someone so young.

Her father then told her he was arranging a marriage for her with a cousin in India she had never met, and who was 19 years her senior but quite uneducated and basic in his living.

It didn't happen, because she stood her ground and told him where to put his arranged marriage.

 

Your parents can't have it both ways.

And neither can you.

Decide where to plant your feet, and then act accordingly.

 

but I really think you've blown it with this girl.

And honestly - can you really blame her?

Confusion, pain, betrayal and lack of communication doesn't cover it, does it?

You've been an idiot, but I can see why....

Now is your chance to never be an idiot again.

[Davey McG]

Viddy,

 

just because its not white people doing the discrimination doesn't mean its not discrimination.

How dare you call my parents racist, my parents have many non-indian friends and associates.

 

Or put another way

 

"Some of my best friends are <insert racial group> people"

 

Yes, they are racist - Here is a definition of racism: (Wikipedia)

 

"Racism is the belief that race is a primary determinant of human traits and capacities and that racial differences produce an inherent superiority of a particular race."

 

In other words, your ex's race wasn't good enough, and it should be noted:

 

"According to the United Nations conventions, there is no distinction between the term racial discrimination and ethnic discrimination."

 

Now that we've got over that bit, I don't think you should marry this one as you are only 21, read TaraMaiden's advice as its better expressed than anything I could say.

 

Oh and to address another of your points:

 

You're ridiculous arrainged marriage? If you knew anything about Indian culture you know that those "xenophobic" beliefs are going by the wayside.

 

First of all, I didn't say arranged marriage was ridiculous, I said you should just let your parents arrange your marriage because you seem used to letting them run your life. Also, the Indian community across the world is very large and in many communities it is not falling to the wayside. I say this as someone who attended an arranged (Muslim Indian) marriage just two weeks ago in Leicester, UK. Great party!

[vdiddy210]

Anyways, thanks for the input everyone.

I broke down, called her. Told her that I didn't care the whole bit. She didn't want anything to do with it. It's my fault for being such an idiot and i lost her. Case closed mods you can close the thread if you'd like thanks.

[TaraMaiden]

Why are you being like this?

Mods won't close the thread, just because you want it closed.

 

Why are you doing this to yourself?

 

Just man up and accept one thing:

You can't please everybody and do what everyone wants you to do.

 

It can't be done. If you do, all you end up doing is sacrificing everything you've ever wanted, betraying your own principles, and living a half of a life that you should be leading.

 

Grow up, man up and just get it:

This is the price you are paying for trying to be compliant and accommodating to what your parents expect.

 

This is the price they are paying for attempting to transfer cultural requirements into a country where unfortunately, they don't have any place being.

Keep folding like this, full of anger and resentment, and practising self-sabotage, and you will never have a firm footing or place anywhere. You'll be Mr wanderer, with no aim, objective or focus.

Then, guess what?

Your parents will die.

(I should know, my dad is slowly dying, as I speak. so I'm not being callous, I'm being realistic.)

And you have spent your entire life deliberately shooting yourself in the foot to appease your own guilt and conform with what the want - and for what?

 

Just like now.

you rang her, made her doubly miserable, and she probably holds you in contempt and thinks you're weak.

Does that feel good?

Of course not.

But you did this to yourself, by sulking and being spiteful.

You didn't do this out of following your heart, you did this out of malice. To try to really nail the coffin in it, so that you would never have a way back in.

 

Cool.

keep going, genius.

 

I know about you.

I really do.

I used to assist at a college full of mixed-up torn -apart kids like you. They all had exactly the same issues. Parents who had either brought them here, or even had them here in this country, and wanted them to be educated, and brought up safely, with a good advantage over their peers back in *wherever*. But these same parents wanted their kids to conform, completely, to their own cultural customs and ideals.

Can't be done.

 

And we'd often have evenings to discuss issues with parents.

usually, the mothers came, more than the fathers did. but we'd have a good share of fathers too.

 

The arguments were always the same.

"Morals and ethics are missing in your country. there's no respect for parents, elders and authority.

Everybody is so lax and corrupted here.

we don't want our children exposed to this."

 

And the answers were always the same (in a nutshell):

If you have chosen this life because of the advantages, know that there is no way of gleaning the advantages without having to ride the disadvantages.

Unfortunately, you must take the rough with the smooth.

all you can do is to instil the core values into your children, but don't confuse those with cultural custom.

 

Just as the parents begrudgingly had to accept this, then so must you.

 

You cannot be a servant and serve two masters.

Decide which way you are going to go, but don't overload yourself with the mills-stone of guilt.

You have enough to deal with, without beating yourself over the head with it as well.

[Els]

Tara: What would you do, if your father who was dying (assuming he was a good father to you previously) really didn't want you to date this one guy? And you could see how much it hurt him each time you came to visit him, and you realized that you were making the last few years of his life miserable?

[TaraMaiden]

Tara: What would you do, if your father who was dying (assuming he was a good father to you previously) really didn't want you to date this one guy?

I'd want him to explain to me why. and what his reasons were...

And you could see how much it hurt him each time you came to visit him, and you realized that you were making the last few years of his life miserable?

 

I'd explain very gently that "papa, I love you dearly, but you have to let me lead my own life now, make my own mistakes and repair my own damage.

I'm not asking you to like the guy, and we don't have to mention him or discuss him. but I'm asking you to accept that sometimes, no matter with how much love may motivate your wishes, it's not what someone else wants or is obligated to follow. "

 

Hopefully we could reach an understanding.

but it's not me making the last few years of his life miserable. It's him.

 

A parent cannot lead their life through their child, and a parent cannot - and should not - expect children to conform and abide by standards and principles the children do not share.

 

If he chooses to continue agonising over this, then that would be his choice.

call me cruel and unfeeling, but I'm not.

 

Incidentally, I know through first-hand experience that this is the way to go, because ultimately, we all die, and ultimately, we all deserve a bite of the happy-apple. on our own terms, not on those of someone else.

[linwood]

You`re allowing your parents racism to destroy your life.

 

Stay away from the girl she deserves far better than you will ever be able to provide her.

 

She deserves a man not a little boy.

[123BeachFan]

This illustrates the very reason why Caucasian women avoid dating Indian men. We are good enough to date, good enough to get in a relationship with, good enough to sleep with. But when it comes to a long term committed relationship (read: marriage) we aren't, in fact, good enough.

 

I call that "Slumming." It's racism, pure and simple. And if marrying from your own race/culture is that important to you, date only within your own race/culture.

 

Okay, you need to decide once and for all, whether you follow your heart, or follow your parents' plans for you.

 

If you are going to be Americanized in your decision here, and follow your heart, you need to lay down the boundaries with mom and dad.

 

There is a good chance, though, that you've blown it already with your girlfriend. I mean, really. How many times have you broken up with her? Why should she trust you with her heart, you've shown her so many times how you can toss her aside for your own gain.

Edited April 5, 2010 by 123BeachFan