roflmao Posted March 31, 2010 Share Posted March 31, 2010 Hey everyone (= There's this thing going through my head for a while now, and I thought it would be helpful to share with all of you. Throughout all my teen life, I wasn't able to establish communication with girls very easily. I'm very shy and always affraid of saying something stupid. This gets even worse when we're talking about a girl that I love. I wanna transmit a good impression about myself, but with all the shyness and nerves, I do just the opposite. However, if we're talking about some ordinary girl, for which I have no intense feelings and no interest in dating, I can show my true personality a lot better. Now, this gets me kinda trapped here. If I stay like this, I will only attract the girls I don't want to attract, instead of the girl that I love. I'm not saying I don't want to meet other girls, I just wanna change myself, so I can attract the 'target' too. Any tips? (I'm 17, by the way) All replies are welcome (= Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted March 31, 2010 Share Posted March 31, 2010 At the risk of sounding patronising and condescending - which is NOT my intention at all, please believe me... You're young. you're still in your formative years. You're still an adolescent, finding his way, unsure of himself and awkward and as yet, not fully 'developed'. In other words: You are absolutely natural and normal. Guys of your age demonstrate bravado and machismo to make themselves head roosters, and I can promise you, it's in all probability completely bluff and superficial. you're a young feller, just coming into 'adulthood' (which is not the same as 'maturity', believe me!) and you have a lot of life-lessons to learn. Try to breathe and relax, and just be yourself. Don't worry too much about HAVING to be something you're not, and not being something that you are. be genuine, relaxed and honest. Don't trample on people's feelings, be kind, and be a gentleman. you'll be fine. Honestly, you will. Link to post Share on other sites
Author roflmao Posted March 31, 2010 Author Share Posted March 31, 2010 Thanks for your reply, TaraMaiden. Yes, I believe you when you say I'm still young. And, deep inside, I have hope that I'll turn out ok. But when I look around, I only see very confident about themselves, and almost all of them are starting their own relationships. It kinda makes me feel down. But one thing you sure got it: Guys of your age demonstrate bravado and machismo to make themselves head roosters, and I can promise you, it's in all probability completely bluff and superficial. I couldn't agree more...lol Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted March 31, 2010 Share Posted March 31, 2010 Relationships built up around this age, that last longer than a couple of years at the most, are as rare as hen's teeth, or rocking-horse droppings. It's all tentative, exploratory ans simply testing the waters. And look at this forum. Just look at it. Peppered and littered, knee-deep with broken hearts belonging to people old enough to be your parents. My advice to you, would be to focus on making yourself the best person you could be. "This above all: To thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, Thou canst not then be false to any man". (Shakespeare was one cool dude, and boy he was full of quotations!) Don't worry about getting the girl now. it will not be a hugely fulfilling thing, getting to know her, when you still do not fully know yourself. Boring and frustrating as it may sound, develop yourself into the kind of guy most girls will really want to end up with. It will take time, and you may not have the girl on your arm. But you'll have all the credit, and a good heart. Take my advice or leave it. I really don't mind, it's your choice. But whatever you do, yay or nay, remember it. I just hope you look back and think "I'm glad that...." rather than "I wish that...." Link to post Share on other sites
Author roflmao Posted March 31, 2010 Author Share Posted March 31, 2010 TaraMaiden, I believe in your words and I'm preety sure I'll follow your advice (mainly because I've heard it from other people as well). As I said in the first post, shyness and lack of confidence are some of the aspects I need to work on. I've tried to change that for a while now, but it feels like a long way to go... I'll have patience, I suppose Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted March 31, 2010 Share Posted March 31, 2010 There is some great literature available, and some good books around on building yourself into the person you'd like to be. It takes time, it's not an overnight thing. The thing is, every day is a blank canvas for you to paint the way you want.... You don't have to be 'that guy' here and now. I could point out that you are never the same person twice, ever, because experiences, feelings, emotions and social cultural conditioning are always bombarding us and blind-siding us with 'new stuff' to deal with. so you have to deal with all of this as constructively as you can. And all the while, make sure you're not falling behind with your school/college work. Life's tough for kids, in general. There they are, trying hard to cope with this volcanic eruption of emotions, juvenile hormones exploding everywhere and coming to terms with being a person in their own right, through adolescence and puberty - and we expect them to do really well at their studies and get good grades too....It sucks, it really does! As adults at the opposite end of the spectrum (particularly women) we have all this medical and new-age help and assistance with coping with the wind-down and changes in our bodies and hormonal systems.....we have supplements, herbal remedies and pharmaceutical medication to ease us through this transition. The young have detention and "we don't know what the world's coming to with kids today"..... Sorry to go off on a bender. Just to let you know, some of us do understand. Link to post Share on other sites
Author roflmao Posted March 31, 2010 Author Share Posted March 31, 2010 Thank you for helping me, TaraMaiden (= I've actually read a book about being happier and it kinda worked for a while. Although I'm not much of a reader hehe About the college part...that hasn't been a problem so far. I manage to get good grades almost everytime. And, as silly as this may sound, girls around this age usually see good students as nerds with no social life...thank god not all of them are like this! Anyway, thanks again ^^ Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted April 5, 2010 Share Posted April 5, 2010 I think it's worth remembering that people want to be liked and they want to feel they matter to others. This goes for most people, even the girl you think is the most attractive girl in the world. Put aside all the thoughts of dating, chatting up, and so on. Instead, think that this is a girl who also needs to feel liked and appreciated. If you ignore her or don't chat to her through your own shyness, you might be inadvertently hurting her. She may seem confident and used to men approaching her - probably is - but what matters is that a nice guy likes her for herself and is pleased to see her. Not pleased to gawp at her wordlessly, but pleased to see her and talk to her about things that matter to her (as well as him). I say all this because I am like you, terribly shy. I used to ignore the guys I was really attracted to and chat to the ones I didn't feel so embarassed and nervous with. Not surprisingly, I ended up in some rather difficult situations with guys I wasn't attracted to! I found one of the guys who I was really attracted to was actually a very nice man, when I eventually got to know him despite myself. He took the occasional opportunity to come and talk to me. Eventually, it dawned on me that he was wary of me because I didn't seem interested in him or show that I liked him. I didn't greet him, for example, because I was assuming he wouldn't want to talk to me. When I look back, I realise how rude and unkind my behaviour would have seemed to this genuinely nice man. Now there's a different perspective for you! Link to post Share on other sites
Author roflmao Posted April 6, 2010 Author Share Posted April 6, 2010 I think it's worth remembering that people want to be liked and they want to feel they matter to others. This goes for most people, even the girl you think is the most attractive girl in the world. Put aside all the thoughts of dating, chatting up, and so on. Instead, think that this is a girl who also needs to feel liked and appreciated. If you ignore her or don't chat to her through your own shyness, you might be inadvertently hurting her. She may seem confident and used to men approaching her - probably is - but what matters is that a nice guy likes her for herself and is pleased to see her. Not pleased to gawp at her wordlessly, but pleased to see her and talk to her about things that matter to her (as well as him). I say all this because I am like you, terribly shy. I used to ignore the guys I was really attracted to and chat to the ones I didn't feel so embarassed and nervous with. Not surprisingly, I ended up in some rather difficult situations with guys I wasn't attracted to! I found one of the guys who I was really attracted to was actually a very nice man, when I eventually got to know him despite myself. He took the occasional opportunity to come and talk to me. Eventually, it dawned on me that he was wary of me because I didn't seem interested in him or show that I liked him. I didn't greet him, for example, because I was assuming he wouldn't want to talk to me. When I look back, I realise how rude and unkind my behaviour would have seemed to this genuinely nice man. Now there's a different perspective for you! Yup, just like I thought. But knowing that I can be hurting her because of my shy personality almost makes me wanna hurt myself. This is like a vicious cicle. My shyness is maybe due to my not-so-high self-esteem. And those inabilities to talk to girls due to shyness kinda dissapoint myself, lowering my self-esteem even more. And so on, and so on... (sorry if I explained it wrong, but I think you got the point). I'm trying to get out of this situation for a while now, but, like I said in the topic, I'm still "kinda trapped". I wish that I could simply snap my fingers and suddently be a lot more confident. That way, I could talk normally with any girl. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted April 6, 2010 Share Posted April 6, 2010 Hun, I'm sure 50% of guys your age are shy and feel just like you do. You will grow out of it. In the meantime don't let your nerves keep you from approaching girls you like. Just tell yourself she is just a girl and is one of many that you will meet and like before you meet your future wife. Link to post Share on other sites
joethomas9 Posted April 18, 2010 Share Posted April 18, 2010 thank you for the post on my thread, i really appreciate it. don't let being shy hold you down, i did the same thing the last time i loved a girl, and it all ended up in misery. don't think of talking to her as hitting on her, just think of it as a normal chat, talking to her is the least you could do for yourself, the one thing you never wanna do is bring up something awkward or something un-comfortable, or even something she's not into. Good luck, Joethomas9 Link to post Share on other sites
Author roflmao Posted April 18, 2010 Author Share Posted April 18, 2010 thank you for the post on my thread, i really appreciate it. don't let being shy hold you down, i did the same thing the last time i loved a girl, and it all ended up in misery. don't think of talking to her as hitting on her, just think of it as a normal chat, talking to her is the least you could do for yourself, the one thing you never wanna do is bring up something awkward or something un-comfortable, or even something she's not into. Good luck, Joethomas9 Hey, Joethomas (= thanks for posting here (= sometimes that's exacly what happens (in bold in the quote). and sometimes I do it undeliberately. It just pops out of my mouth, without any good reason. This happened to me sometimes, and now I feel the need to examine carefully every word I'm about to say to a girl, so I don't say something stupid. Part of my shyness is because of this =| Link to post Share on other sites
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