How do I forget about my ex?

[Joey]

So here's my story...

 

I was dating this guy on and off for about 2 years. I've finally told him that since he's not interested in having a serious relationship with me that we have to go our seperate ways. It's been two months and since then we have chatted a few times(4 or 5). I know he still cares for me as a friend and because I care for him deeply it's difficult for me to completely sever ties with him. We have agreed that if a special circumstance arises that we would call each other if we needed/wanted to talk. In my opinion, we have parted on a good note.

 

So here's my dilemma, I still want to be with him but I know that it isn't even possible. He has told me that he isn't interested in me that way anymore. It's been up and down for the past two years with him being happy with me at certain times then he loses interest. Nothing significant happens (that I am aware of) that triggers his change of heart. I suspect that it's a bad cycle where once things are "back on track" I try very hard to keep them that way and that pushes him away and he loses interest. I'm no expert on this subject but those are my suspicions. It could be that we're not meant to be together afterall but I have a feeling in my heart that in many ways he is just not ready for this and also the more I want this and try to make it work the more it pushes him away (emotionally). As two people we have great respect and enjoy each others company immensely. He has said many times that he thinks we get along very well. As well there is good physical chemisty between us. I know it's not good to hope but I've come to realize that no matter what I do I'll always have a little hope. There's no sense in denying this.

 

Regardless of all these things, I have come to realize that the best thing for me is to move on with my life. I know that telling him that we needed to be apart was a big step but now I want to get to a point where I no longer think about him constantly. Can anyone give any advice besides just getting out there to keep busy meet new people? I have done that and it has been somewhat effective but a lot of things I do and places I go still remind me of him.

[Randy]

You seem to have decided to move on, although reading your post left things a little open ended between the two of you.

 

Forgetting about someone you love is not automatic and you really can't will it. It just happens over time, the frequency of your thoughts diminishes by the years but you may always have some thoughts of him. Don't concern yourself about that. The amount of time it takes for these thoughts to disipate depends on each individual.

 

If you make a concerted effort to forget him using some prescribed strategy, the very act of using that strategy gives him more time in your mind. So let nature take its course. It won't be long before you'll be able to fully function romantically despite the thoughts of your ex.

 

Now what you really need to work on is the stuff about working so hard on relationships. Always remember, the more you reach out, the more they pull back. Men (and women) want a challenge, they want unpredictability, they want some sizzle. No man wants a doormat, a sweet thing following them everywhere and meeting their every need. This creates absolutely no romantic spark whatsoever and can be downright nauseating.

 

So in your approach to your ex or any other man, the more aloof you seem, the more indifferent (particularly in the beginning of a new relationship), the more successful you will be. Stop working so hard and being so nice. You even said yourself in your own post, doing this pushed your ex away.

 

Don't let it happen again.

[Butter]

i think you still love him. there is absloutley nothing wrong with that. you love him as a person but the two have you have decided that it is best if you separate.

 

the problem is that you need closure. that's it. and however you get it doesn't matter, but point blank CLOSURE. you don't have to stop talking to him, you just need to separate how you know him as a boyfrined, and how you know him as a frined.

So here's my story... I was dating this guy on and off for about 2 years. I've finally told him that since he's not interested in having a serious relationship with me that we have to go our seperate ways. It's been two months and since then we have chatted a few times(4 or 5). I know he still cares for me as a friend and because I care for him deeply it's difficult for me to completely sever ties with him. We have agreed that if a special circumstance arises that we would call each other if we needed/wanted to talk. In my opinion, we have parted on a good note. So here's my dilemma, I still want to be with him but I know that it isn't even possible. He has told me that he isn't interested in me that way anymore. It's been up and down for the past two years with him being happy with me at certain times then he loses interest. Nothing significant happens (that I am aware of) that triggers his change of heart. I suspect that it's a bad cycle where once things are "back on track" I try very hard to keep them that way and that pushes him away and he loses interest. I'm no expert on this subject but those are my suspicions. It could be that we're not meant to be together afterall but I have a feeling in my heart that in many ways he is just not ready for this and also the more I want this and try to make it work the more it pushes him away (emotionally). As two people we have great respect and enjoy each others company immensely. He has said many times that he thinks we get along very well. As well there is good physical chemisty between us. I know it's not good to hope but I've come to realize that no matter what I do I'll always have a little hope. There's no sense in denying this.

 

Regardless of all these things, I have come to realize that the best thing for me is to move on with my life. I know that telling him that we needed to be apart was a big step but now I want to get to a point where I no longer think about him constantly. Can anyone give any advice besides just getting out there to keep busy meet new people? I have done that and it has been somewhat effective but a lot of things I do and places I go still remind me of him.

[Joey]

Hi Randy,

 

I have noticed that you give a lot of advice and good advice to everyone who post on this site. I'm just curious but are you a relationship counseller?

 

Thank you for the vote of confidence that in time I will be able to fully move on from my ex.

 

You make a good point about not working so hard at a relationship but it's instinctive for me to want to do things for someone I love so it's difficult to be aloof...

 

I feel like if I act aloof and indifferent then I'm trying to play a game with them? I realize you are probably right about the outcome being favourable to me in the end but I can't justify the actions as being really me. Does this make sense?

 

You also made a point that you think I have left things a little open ended between myself and my ex. Do you think I should do otherwise, i.e. tell him to not contact me anymore. Again I feel that although it may be good for me it isn't truly what I want. I guess I am hopeful that someday we can at least be friends.

 

Your advice is greatly appreciated.

[Randy]

My discussion about your being too nice is straight from the book of human nature. Even though you are a kind, sweet, sincere person, that will not get you far with many men initially. Both men and women are looking for games, yes, games. Nobody will admit to it. Maybe it's subconscious. But if you aren't willing to play, then you can wait until you are older and in an age range with those who don't play anymore.

 

Younger people, and even some older ones, simply don't go for that which is readily available. Most people tend to be more attracted to that which they cannot have (this goes for lots of things too. Advertisers always get people to buy stuff by saying "limited time only," "while supplies last," etc. People want what they can't have...or they want it more after it's gone and unattainable.

 

Chances are excellent your ex will die for you when you start seeing someone else. He will then appreciate how wonderful you were. Isn't life a bxtch?

 

In romance, people tend to have lots more sparks for someone who is aloof, unpredictable, not so sweetsy, sweetsy. Many women are really turned off by guys that send them flowers, candy, write them poetry, call them three times a day, etc. at the beginning of a relationship. And the sparks will not endure if it gets to be too much later on. You may be able to understand that.

 

Some people are naturally coy and they are most often successful in romance. You, being the kind, nice person you are, will have to work on it. Just ask yourself, and be really honest, would you go for someone and stay fond of him if he kissed your butt all the time?

 

Well, the game may not be for you. Yes, you can find a wonderful person but it will take a while to find someone who is rational, sane, and mature enough with an excellent self concept and who has had enough crap happen in life to be able to appreciate you. But how many rational, sane people do you know?

 

As far as being friends with this guy, in time you won't want much to do with him. He obviously doesn't appreciate you like you are. Why would you want a friend like that. Look for friends who accept you and value the personality traits that make you unique. Yes, perhaps you love him, but we are talking mostly chemicals here. I love barbecue sauce but it gives me terrible indigestion. Real love just isn't like this.

 

With regards to how you left things, you obviously are wanting to leave the door cracked open just a tiny bit. That's OK. If you can learn the game, he might just scramble back into your arms. But I would encourage you to try to forget him. You have to decide whether you need closure or not.

 

Right now, concentrate on yourself and do what will make you happy and comfortable.

 

Albert Einstein defined insanity as doing something the same way repeatly, expecting a different result each time. Not to imply that you are in that category, but if your love strategy isn't working for you, try something different for now. Or, as I said, you can go for older men who have been down many rocky roads of romance and are tired of the games.

 

Hopefully, those who are fuming because I have proposed you play a game may offer you much better ideas for attaining your romantic desires at this time in your life.

[Joey]

Randy, I think you have hit the nail bang on! The GAME is something I've been talked about (with various sources) for a long time but never fully understood.

 

Anyway, I see now that it is a game but one that I must learn how to play! I am certainly turned off by men that don't challenge me... so much so that my friends and I have decided to name the syndrome "challenge complex". Just this past weekend I decided not to continue dating a guy (after 4 dates) because he didn't challenge me so it was boring. Guess on the flip side, it's very difficult for me to provide a challenge when I love someone and really want to be with them.

 

I hope you are right about me not wanting a friendship with my ex after awhile. Unfortunately I have a contradiction to this and that is I am still good friends with another ex who I had a 4 year relationship with. Anyway I know each case is different and only time will tell... but you certainly make a good point about forgetting about him since he cannot seem to appreciate me as I am.

 

I think I am comfortable with how I left things with the most recent ex. I will try very hard not to contact him and also try to be more aloof/indifferent if he does contact me. Otherwise I think it's best left alone... do you agree?

 

I have one last question for you and that is this. There is a guy that I could potentially be interested in. (I wasn't kidding about getting on with my life) I met him while partaking in a team sport recently. Now that it is over I don't see him anymore... however, I can contact him via email. Do you recommend this and what do I say??? BTW, I'm not possitive if he is interested in me, he is very friendly towards me but he could be towards the rest of the team as well.

 

Thanks again for all your advice.

 

P.S. I like your Albert Einstein quote - it's certainly very, very true.

[Randy]

Usually, it is not a good idea to start pursuing someone or seriously dating right after a break up. Relationships that ensue during this healing period are typically transitional or healing situations and do not last. But the guy you are targeting, in this case, could be an unsuspecting victim and end up hurt. If you can do things with him as a friend, that would be good.

 

Give yourself some alone time to get your thoughts and feelings together before going forward into another serious relationship. Meantime, I do encourage you to make new friends and do lots of new things.

[billy the kid]

I understand what you said about forgetting about him, so try this, It may work.. first take some time to your self and think about one thing or two that totally made and impression in your life.. I will try to give you and example . Once while diving in hawaii I ecountered a whale. later in years when I was thinking about going to collage and thoutht about what I wanted to study and so I thought for months on what might intrest me. so I realized that one of the most intresting things that had happened to me in my life was the whale, and so I decided to study them. I was in the process of a divorce at the time and it really really helped.. so did school I met some really great people. the trick is not to think about how down you are or about who is next but to think about what is next for you and how it can really help you... good luck..

 

ps. there are people I know who can't believe I can live alone.. It can be done even if for a short period of time..

i think you still love him. there is absloutley nothing wrong with that. you love him as a person but the two have you have decided that it is best if you separate. the problem is that you need closure. that's it. and however you get it doesn't matter, but point blank CLOSURE. you don't have to stop talking to him, you just need to separate how you know him as a boyfrined, and how you know him as a frined.