Why are We as a Society, Trained to play the field and Keep love options open?

[sullenboy]

What is it with the whole "I Need Space" thing?

 

 

It sucks, why don't they just break up with us and call it a day? Instead they say

they need time to figure stuff out and not see us for a while? People are so

focused on Greener Pastures and what's on the other side of the fence as far as relationships go.

As far as goals and achievments go, It should be all about pushing the envelope, Not settling,

Experiences, Seeing what you can do, trying different things......But that shouldn't pertain to

Love and Relationships. It's sad, so many good relationships are lost to people second guessing and

wondering what it would be like to try other lovers.

 

Sucks.

[NotaBadGuy]

The other side of the fence must appear to be that much greener in some instances. I do believe there are times in which one must, out of necessity, get out of an unproductive/unhealthy relationship. However, one's definition of that is subject to individual interpretation.

 

It appears I recieved the same speech you recieved, I was just 6 months into my marriage. I think my ex believes the other side of the fence has more to offer and she has chosen to take that route. Whether she suceeds of fails in this journey will ultimatley depend on the choices she makes. But in all reality, the grass is often not as green as anticipated. It may be green for a season or two but then the true landscape comes to surface. I know what you're saying. Try to take the positives and look to them instead of focusing on all the negatives. In any case, its not easy.

[tattoomytoe]

also people learn that having at least one option is better than none. kinda selfish.

 

but on the other hand, i really hate snubbing someone just because we are not romantically compatible, so it is just more tactful to say "you are a really great person....let's stay friends"

 

It's sad, so many good relationships are lost to people second guessing and

wondering what it would be like to try other lovers.

 

not really though, why would you want to be with someone who doesn't think you are the best thing out there? additionally i wouldn't take some one back that thought it, and discovered-mmmm maybe she was...Oh well sorry buddy!

[sullenboy]

SO YOU'RE SAYING THAT, iF SOMEONE SECOND GUESSED THEIR LOVE AND RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU,

TOLD YOU THEY LOVED YOU, BUT NEEDED TO GO OUT ON THEIR OWN, REALIZED IT SUCKED AND THEY MADE

A HUGE MISTAKE AND TRIED TO GET YOU BACK,

 

YOU WOULDN'T TAKE HIM BACK???

[Errol]

Being sure about a relationship means thinking about, and sometimes experiencing, life without that person - so that we can be sure we are right.

 

it reminds me of a joke I heard. Now--I heard this with women as the central figures - but the same "logic" can certainly apply to men. This is just how I heard the joke so if you get your panties in a bunch over this -- well, that is YOUR problem!

 

 

A group of girlfriends went on vacation and saw a five-story hotel with a sign that read, "For Women Only." Since they were without their boyfriends, they decided to go in.

The Bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors... go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide, since each floor has signs telling you what's inside."

 

So they start going up, and on the first floor the sign reads, "All the men here are horrible lovers, but they are sensitive and kind"... the friends laugh and, without hesitation, move on to the next floor.

 

The sign on the second floor reads, "All the men here are wonderful lovers, but they generally treat women badly." This wasn't going to do, so the friends move up to the third floor where the sign read, "All the men here are great lovers and sensitive to the needs of women."

 

This was good, but there were still two more floors.

 

On the fourth floor, the sign was perfect: "All the men here have perfect builds; are sensitive and attentive to women; are perfect lovers; they are also single, rich and straight."

 

The women seemed pleased, but they decide that they would rather see what the fifth floor had to offer before they settled for the fourth.

 

When they reach the fifth floor, there is a sign that reads:

"There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that it is impossible to please a woman."

[tattoomytoe]

well... i may, but it would always be in the back of my mind that i wasn't enough the first time.... so i would probably just say, well, we can still be friends......

 

unless they had totally proven to me that i was it.

 

but i have never had anyone love me, but look at other options.

 

but a lot of times that is why people break up, b/c one is looking for something that they are not getting, so wasn't it a mismatch to begin with?

[moimeme]

No. Sometimes people have impossibly high expectations and they start looking at the flaws (however minimal) instead of the good stuff. Sometimes time apart is exactly what's needed to smarten them up to all the good stuff they'd lose if they ditched the relationship. Not for nothing there's a saying "Sometimes you don't realize what you have until it's gone". People who take 'time out' do the going and often figure out exactly what they would lose - and then go back.

[NotaBadGuy]

I understand the logic here, but just because someone looks elsewhere for something they are not getting in the relationship they are in does not necessarily mean they were a mismatch to begin with. I respectfully dissent to that "logic." Many factors contribute to the looking elsewhere. Be it immaturity, selfishness, or irrationality of the looker. Blame cannot be passed every time to the one who is rejected. In other cases it can.

 

Case in point --> I was married in May 03, been in grad school since I met my wife, very demanding. We both knew that our studies would consume some of our "us" time for a temporary period of time. Over the summer, school consumed a large proportion of my time. Come Oct, the wife began her search elsewhere to have her needs fulfilled or satisfied. Catch her at another man's house twice. SHe moves out and files for divorce in early December. Now I am not perfect and have faults like anyone, but never did I do anything to compromise my marriage or to push the envelope. Attention and time together were not what they should have been, but we BOTH knew this going into the marriage and that it was only temporary.

 

So to use the mismatch arguement would make my situation a mismatch from the beggining? Maybe it was and I just don't know it.

[tattoomytoe]

well my train of thought is..... if she is like oh i need space, but then goes out and dates all these guy, sleeps around then is like.. um no i like you better ...that is where i am coming from

[tattoomytoe]

and i am also from the school of thought that there is someone out there for everyone

[moimeme]

So to use the mismatch arguement would make my situation a mismatch from the beggining? Maybe it was and I just don't know it.

 

It may have been. It may have been that she needed much more companionship than you did and simply could not manage without, despite her promise. Perhaps if you'd been able to do some questionnaires or tests you might have known that. I got ditched by a bf because I was doing my honours paper - same reason; he could just not wait.

 

I guess my feeling on this would be that if a person's desire to be with you can't outweigh a necessary separation, then maybe you didn't belong together in the first place. Some people just have to have somebody and maybe your ex is one of those types. Of course, knowing that doesn't make it hurt less.

[dario]

Sometimes people have impossibly high expectations and they start looking at the flaws (however minimal)

 

 

This is so true.

[julieg]

i was incredibly influenced by my family, as was my ex. my parents told me don't get married young, get your education before anything else and it is just as easy to love a wealthy guy as it is a poor one. my ex on the other hand was told to go for love purely and simply and marry young and grow with your children. success will come careerwise with the years. this can be a bad combo.

i think if the person asking for space was like me she may be trying to satisfy her parents and hoping that they are not making a "mistake" by settling for the wrong person. now in retrospect it is really negative thinking and not the way i would raise my children. somewhere in between would be better.

[NotaBadGuy]

Tatoomytoe,

I see what your saying. Hopefully you did not think I was attacking your response. I reread what I said and it could be misinterpreted as such.

 

moimeme,

 

First, thank your for the reply to the question. I have noticed your replies over the course of my venturing through the site. You seem to have well thought out and educated advice/opinions. Thank you for taking the time to answer mine. I appreciate it.

 

Second, it is a possibility she needed more companionship than I was able to give at the time, but at the same time it was only temporary, and she knew this prior to marriage. What type of questionnaires are you speaking of? Compaitibility? Personality? I'm not sure without a little more clarification. I am never opposed to such a thing.

 

Third, why would my ex call me and want to see how I am doing and eat with me if life is so great on the green pasture? More on this is in my post in the coping section if interested. Can't figure any of this mess out.

 

Fourth, how does a test determine whether or not someone is about instant gratification or delayed gratification? I mean, I would have liked to know early on. I had to hang on for dear life to survive last semester - don't even remember the last two months, but still made out fairly well considering the circumstances.

 

"I guess my feeling on this would be that if a person's desire to be with you can't outweigh a necessary separation, then maybe you didn't belong together in the first place."

For future reference, at what point can you tell if such a person cannot handle the necessary separation. It was not a situation in which I was only going through the gautlet educationally for myself, but also for our future. I would have liked to know before hand that this necessary separation was such a problem. We were together the whole time I was in grad school and the demands were known.

 

 

Dario,

 

That is also another school of thought that I have had. High expectations about the relationship from the point of marriage on were most likely way too high. I mean, I could have dropped out of school and found some lackluster job, spent all the time in the world with her, and have been dissatisfied with life OR I could have done what I have done, busted my tail to get through school, and plan for the future with her as my co-pilot. I guess in my case, it is a catch 22 because either option leads to a negative consequence either way. Anyways, back to reality.

[sullenboy]

Well I once have good friend and his girlfriend left him after 5 years because she felt she needed

space. She told him she loved him, knew he was "The One" and that it was just that they has been together so long that

she needed time to herself to figure out her life and figure out her career and feel independent.

She also stressed that there wasn't anyone else and that the break wasn't because she wanted

to date other guys. So he stood by her and let her go.

 

But that same week she slept with another guy, Got pregnant and had an abortion because she never wants

to have kids. She never told her ex and never told the new guy...well my buddy found out and vowed never to speak to her again and moved far away and she and He were crushed and ruined, He wont talk to her.

 

I'm a guy, when I hear that a girl needs space, I think there HAS To BE thoughts of trying other guys...Because

if they loved us, why would they have to break up with us?

 

I don't get the whole: "I had to experience other guys to see if I love you or not".

 

ERROL'S Joke hit it right on the mark. It goes for men too. But I think women fall more easily into that

method.

[bicylejunk]

That's exactly what i have always thought.

 

I'm a cool guy, I'm sensitive to a woman's needs and desires and I try to fulfill them

to the extreme... But If my girl came to me and told me she wanted to leave me because

she needed space and that she loved me, but just had to be on her own, I would think

there was another guy involved or that she at least liked some other guy and was having second thoughts about us.

Am I wrong to think that? It's true people like to keep their options open and It's sad. Always looking

for something better, A better deal, Like sale shoppers or something. stop gambling and realize what you

have, If it's a good thing that is.

[moimeme]

moimeme,

 

First, thank your for the reply to the question. I have noticed your replies over the course of my venturing through the site. You seem to have well thought out and educated advice/opinions. Thank you for taking the time to answer mine. I appreciate it.

 

Thanks very much for your kind words.

 

What type of questionnaires are you speaking of? Compaitibility? Personality? I'm not sure without a little more clarification. I am never opposed to such a thing.

 

The Idiot's Guide to a Healthy Relationship has some great questionnaires. There are now several books out on questions people should discuss before marrying. There are even marriage prep courses. Can all of them or even any of them prevent such disasters? Maybe yes, maybe no. I figure at least a couple of them are worth a shot.

 

Third, why would my ex call me and want to see how I am doing and eat with me if life is so great on the green pasture?

 

Could be she regrets the choice. Could be she feels guilty and wants to make sure you're ok. Could be lots of things.

 

Fourth, how does a test determine whether or not someone is about instant gratification or delayed gratification?

 

Actually, I think that's fairly easy to tell. Can she wait for stuff like gifts or does she have to open them before events? Is she unwilling or unable to wait for stuff? Does she do anything impulsively like spend or eat? Instant versus delayed gratification is usually not confined to one aspect of a person's life. I think it can be difficult for people to mesh if they are too far apart in this respect.

 

For future reference, at what point can you tell if such a person cannot handle the necessary separation. It was not a situation in which I was only going through the gautlet educationally for myself, but also for our future. I would have liked to know before hand that this necessary separation was such a problem. We were together the whole time I was in grad school and the demands were known.

 

I wish I knew. Maybe somebody does. Your parallel to instant gratification may be a clue, though.

 

There are no real guarantees, unfortunately.

[NotaBadGuy]

Its a tough call in the end. Maybe society as a whole has become less and less in tune with what it takes to make a relationship work and instead looks to whether we are ultimately being satisfied right now. I am sort of old school in my thoughts in that I know it takes work and difficult times. But these times only make your relationship grow stronger. Now, society teaches us to run in such rough times and comforts us with a pat on the back saying how good it was that you got out of such a bad situation. Commitment is basically becoming a word of the past. As the wrodl around us speeds up, so do the life cycles of relationships. Even the media invades out minds with commercials, tv shows, movies, music, etc...all speaking of NOW, NOW, NOW. Then you run across people like me who are willing to wait and grow, through good and bad, and are willing to delay the gratification to another day. Not to say that there is not going to be any gratification now, just that the big piece of the pie is for later - only a taste now. Maybe I am flawed in this way. Work for what you have to now and you will ultimatley be able to play and enjoy the benefits of it later.

 

Maybe these tests could be useful in the future. I will check them out in the near future. Any guidance to avoid my current situation would be most helpful.

 

Options in relationships is like owning a car - you like what you have to begin with, but eventually you start looking for another car that you think is better, and then you have another car. Then the cycle starts all over again. In my opinion, there is no such thing as a commited relationship with options. These are the people who are never satisfied and are always looking for something better, but only realize when they look and look to no avail and then realize that they already had what they were looking for - that no one is perfect and that we all have flaws.

[bicylejunk]

Oh Man, Television and Media suck these days. There are so many "let's Party" and "Let's hook Up" shows on all over the place.

What happened to the show The Real World when they dealed with Real issues like racism or AIDS. Now that show

is all about "i'm here in (wherever) I love my girlfriend back home, But my roomate is so HOT, I think were going to need to Hook-Up"

And everybody sleeps with everybody. Where is the Depth and Purity and REALness.? These kinds of media almost encourage people to keep there options open and Not settle For anything in the world of Love, "don't sell yourself short, don't settle, You're young!"

I just don't believe in that.

 

I know there are kindred souls out there who simply want Love and don't need to sample and shop around.

That's why I'm saying it's sad. we humans are a strange species, Some of us truly do not know what we've

got til it's gone. some of us make bad decisions and dumb moves and leave perfectly good romances only to

find they should have stayed because what they had was really good. Some people risk losing their bf/gf because

they think they need to see what else is out there, And i've just heard too many stories where people have said that, The biggest mistake they ever made was leaving the best relationship they ever had to search for something else, only

to come to their senses too late in the game and then that romance is forever lost.

 

Nobdy is perfect, everybody has flaws, You're lucky to find a good guy or a good girl in this world.

 

A Very True Statement NotaBadGuy: There is No such thing as a commited relationship with options.

[Arabess]

Actually.....I've used the 'give me space' line several times.....just to get rid of someone.....while trying not to hurt their feelings.

 

Because if you are honest and say "I dont' want to be with you anymore."....they want to know "Why?". Then you have to come up with something like "It's not you..it's me.".....and then they STILL don't get it. Finally, you see them in a bar and you've had a few too many. You end up saying "Leave me the F*CK alone!".....but they don't. They are still waiting for you to realize how much you really care about them.....but you just don't know it. You come home to emails, flowers...and them in your driveway in friggin tears.

 

See....it never ends. So....you just say "Give me space"........

[wing81]

I'm sorry but the "I need space" excuse for a break up is a complete cop out. Its almost as bad as breaking up over the phone or through email. It leaves the person wondering about your feelings towards them and what is to happen in the near future. If the relationship has been a good long term relationship the two of you should be able to sit down and talk things out respectfully and be able to part on friendly terms. I think this leaves the door more open in case you did want to try again. Kind of hard for someone to take you back after you have disrespected them.

 

I'm tired of people always looking for the easy way out of things. It makes it seem like the one doing the breaking up doesn't appreciate the time spent with the other person. Trying to protect the other person's feelings by letting them down easy doesn't do anybody any favors. Odds are that the person you are breaking up with knows what is going on and is even more upset that you don't talk to them directly.

 

We all need to take responsibility and be mature when breaking up with some. Some people act like little children thinking that if i ignore the problem it will just go away. What area of life does this technique actually work?

[BrainRightHeartWrong]

yeah i'm a bit surprised at Arabess for that post, she is usually very sensible and honourable

 

i agree with wing81, that is a complete copout and disrespectful to a poor dumpee,

 

i know if i ever hear it how i would like to retort

[bicylejunk]

That's exactly what My ex did, she ignored the problem, hoping it would go away because she didn't have the heart to tell me she wanted out. Once she told me, She was gone and out all the time. try going from a lovey dovey kissy spending time together relationship to a "she's gone all the time and out all hours hanging with friends doing stuff only High schoolers do"

I think the way my ex went about it was disrespectful. It was like night and day, All of the sudden she was out all the time and not calling to let me know that she was alright. It just made me feel like I didn't matter that much to her and that she

was a lot more immature than I thought she was.

 

I agree, The needing space is a cop out. Just tell us what you want, A neat clean break. Don't string along

and give false hope, It's insulting and not fair to the one that's being left behind.

[NotaBadGuy]

I agree with the last couple of posts. Out of mere respect, the dumper should at least be mature and have enough self respect to tell the dumpee the truth. The I need space argument lacks merit and is the cowards way out. Is it going to be tough to tell someone they want out of a relationship? Undeniably yes. Is it going to be tough to tell someone you need space for not wanting to hurt them? Yes, but this means to an end lasts much longer. There is no closure. It is also a way to ignore the finality of ending the relationship.

 

My ex started off by telling me we should have never got married (after 4 months), that she was not as ready to be married as she thought she was, and that she never really loved me the way she should have (only the friend kind of love is what I was told). She started staying out half the night, never called to let me know if she was okay, and never answered my calls when I would call to see if she was okay. All of this was completely opposite of where we began. She got to the point where she would come home at night, change clothes, and go to bed. No contact, no words, no anything. This continued for some time. In my case, I guess this all fits in place once you figure out there is another man involved in the dynamics of the situation. No wonder she was pulling away from me, she had to to pull towards him. Must be a great guy (or a frigin loser). So in the end, it was over before it began. Chalk this one up to immaturity, selfishness, wanting things right now, etc... In the end I am better off. If it was going to happen, better now than 5-10 yrs down the road. Still doesn't make it easier now, but it will heal over time.

 

So, to conclude, the I NEED SPACE is just like the relationship with options - not a commited relationship by one or both of the parties. Be fair to yourself and the other person and tell them it is over. Fellings are going to be hurt either way, so don't be a coward and seek the easy way out. In the end, you will feel better about yourself and will not have compromised your integrity. Like the subject of my post states, it is about trust and honesty. This applies equally to beggining and ending a relationship as well.

[bicylejunk]

I just read a post from a guy who's girl is leaving him and she asked him if he could

seek out the landlord for her and have him write up a letter of recommendation for her

to show that she pays rent on time, because she was stuck at work and needed the letter

by the time she got home..and The guy did it for her. That is totally something that

SHE should be doing on her own, If she's leaving him because she wants her own space and

independence, don't you think she should handled that one on her own, That makes me mad.

How selfish and manipulating.

 

My ex-girlfriend used to do the same kind of stuff. during her time when she was trying to leave me,

She was always out, Stopped buying food and things for the house, didn't do dishes or clean up

anything, etc. Once it was out that she was unhappy and desired her own place and to be on her own,

It was almost as if that was the Green Light to just sort of forget about our house and any responsibilties

we had together and most importantly, forget about my feelings. That's when she started being totally

disrespectful, but would just say sorry sorry sorry all the time, "You're so much better than I'll ever be"

kind of talk from her. Whatever.

 

Is that Childish or what???