Why are We as a Society, Trained to play the field and Keep love options open?

[amerikajin]

>>>yeah i'm a bit surprised at Arabess for that post, she is usually very sensible and honourable<<<

 

And she still is sensible and honorable. The fact is, she's right: people can't handle the truth.

 

Oh sure, we sit here behind our keyboards and talk about if "They'd just come out and tell me the truth", the same ways girls trip us up with "If you'd only told me" that you slept with two girls before her.....

 

The fact is, love is an emotional game. When emotions get involved, people usually aren't in a position to handle "truth", because in order to tell the truth, you're asking a person to detach themselves emotionally from the situation so that they can momentarily become cold rationalists. And then when they do bring out the truth syrum, their hapless ex-partners begin sobbing and whining and getting defensive...and people usually get emotional in doing so.

 

The older I get the more I realize that people have nothing to apologize for in relationships when it comes to breakups - provided it's done with as much care and sensitivity to the partner as can be expected. About the only thing a person can ask for is that when their partner realizes the relationship can't continue, it's best just to go ahead and end it ASAP so that both people can go on with their lives.

 

Why do people want "space"???

 

For any number of reasons. It doesn't really matter. If one person isn't interested in pumping life into the relationship, why bother with it a moment longer? It's when the relationship drags on to spare feelings and they give false hope in the process that things get really out of bounds. Of course I'm talking about just dating - marriages are a different story.

 

Romance is a tricky thing. It's okay to be picky. 'Tis better to be picky now than miserable later.

[Sikamikaniko]

What about those PICKY people that go around being PICKY about any little thing and

feel like they're not going to find that perfect girl or guy, when they just past up several

good ones??

 

But I hear What you're saying. You really shouldn't have to Settle, especially if the relationship or

the person you're with isn't really the best person for you, for your personality, for you soul.

 

A lot of women(and some men) are manipulative b*tches. Some of them out there are very evil and they

break up with guys and say it's that They need space. Then you have women who really are torn and in

pain about leaving, but feel they have to, and they ask for space simply because it's like a break, to sort things

out and keep the guy around. It's not a definite split-up.

 

 

Some guys will probably hate me and think i'm whipped or something....But Honestly, It's a difficult society

for Real Women. Some of them want to be able to prove themselves and feel that they can do things on their own

in fact it excites them at the thought of being Independent. We men can't hate them for that. Not literally, but

in a way, It's a man's world and I think that sucks for them. I don't know if i'm right, i'm just saying that, from

my own experience with the whole "NEEDING SPACE" thing, that's what I discovered and it helped me see more clearly

and not get all depressed over losing my girl.

 

I got so depressed over losing my girl that and cried so hard for days, i gave myself pnemonia and was sick for weeks.

That's how much I loved her and still do. But You can't make someone stay or make someone love you as much as you

love them. I had to set her free and let her go.

[Arabess]

Why....Thanks Amer....!

 

Let me ask the posters this. Would you rather someone say "I need some space"

 

or

 

would you rather hear "The truth is, you no longer turn me on. As a matter of fact, you aren't what I'm looking for in a permanant relationship period. Sure, you are nice and do a lot for me.....but so does my Mom and she doesn't turn me on either. You've got the brains of a turnip, you smack when you eat and I don't like the way you laugh. Please get the hell away from me!".

 

Most of the time, people who want out of a relationship really DO try to spare the other person's feelings. The problem is....MOST people can't take a hint. They are always trying to make something MORE out of something that is either OVER or wasn't even there in the first place.

 

Just cause someone dates you a few times, probably cause you asked a MILLION times, doesn't mean it's a 'relationship which works'. I've had guys refer to me and introduce me as their 'girlfriend' when I didn't even like the guy in that respect. People ASSUME....then wonder why they have to suffer 'hurty feelings'.

[amerikajin]

>>>What about those PICKY people that go around being PICKY about any little thing and

feel like they're not going to find that perfect girl or guy, when they just past up several

good ones??<<<

 

One of two things happens: either they finally realize they're being too picky and decide they can live with someone despite some faults, or they continue being picky and they never satisfy themselves...and die alone. Law of natural consequences.

 

I'm a picky dater myself. Not because I like playing head games with people, but because I got a late start in the dating process, and I want to see what's out there. After all, it's not fair that some people got a head start, is it? Besides, I know I'm still trying to get a sense for what I want in a mate.

[Arabess]

Just because someone 'thinks' they are the perfect person for you.....doesn't make it so. Maybe a person isn't being picky.....you just aren't what they want.

 

I would never 'settle' for the sake of just having someone in my life. I think a wise person should always shop around.

 

.....I'll still fall in love with the biggest MORON of the bunch....but at least I picked him.....LOL!!!

[bicylejunk]

i JUST DON'T SEE HOW PEOPLE HAVE TO SHOP AROUND.

 

 

 

I mean, You can tell right off how a person really is, before you go into a relationship with them.

After one or two dates, you should know. It doesn't even have to go as far as a date, if you know a person and

get to know them, you should know if you can click with them or not.

 

I feel like a lot of people feel like they need to DATE to see what's out there. Like they need

to have several relationships to see what's out there. You should sort of have an idea of what you want

and know what people to avoid and what people are a good match and have potential. But of course there

are some out there that are so desperate for someone, they'll put up with the worst crap and claim they are happy.

 

But being in a relationship for 2, 4 years and then realizing, hey, i don't click with this guy/girl??

i mean come on, You should have known within the first month yet you settled most likely.

That's the problem. Too many indecisive people waste too much time with partners with real

love and passion, only to hurt them by leaving. It's just the way this world is, Sucks, but

that's the way it is. I don't agree with it, but what can you do? everybody is different.

 

Me? Sure I'm picky, but only because i wouldn't want to waste a girl's feelings or time if i'm not that into her.

I wouldn't even think about going into a relationship with a girl, if I didn't think we had something special.

I don't need to have someone just to have someone.

[julieg]

settling down/ getting married is THE biggest life decision a person can make. it is a wise person who shops around and finds the best possible match.

[BlockHead]

bicyclejunk

i JUST DON'T SEE HOW PEOPLE HAVE TO SHOP AROUND.

Women love to shop around.

I am assuming that the guys who shop around really don’t care about them.

julieg

settling down/ getting married is THE biggest life decision a person can make.

Not anymore. Marriage seems more disposable than ever.

julieg

it is a wise person who shops around and finds the best possible match.

More like a fool’s errand. You can find a compatible partner but never the best possible match.

[moimeme]

But being in a relationship for 2, 4 years and then realizing, hey, i don't click with this guy/girl??

i mean come on, You should have known within the first month yet you settled most likely.

 

The first 3 to 18 months of a relationship are coloured by one's physical responses to the other person. The hormones and neurotransmitters that sex and love release affect every aspect of our thinking. It is often not until these effects wear off that people really 'see' each other for the first time.

 

The second aspect of this is that people who have serious issues/flaws can hide them for quite a while. Eventually, however, they will emerge and then the partner who didn't know about the issue has to sort out whether or not this issue is a deal-breaker or not. I know one couple who are not at all young kids who went out, spent time together, vacationed together, etc. for 18 months. It was only after they moved into a house together that she really saw the extent of his drinking. Not only that, but he's violent. Did she get any hints of this before? Maybe.

 

The third factor is 'the triumph of hope over experience'. You find someone and at first all is rosy. You build dreams of happy-ever-after. After a few months, chinks start to show. Sometimes it takes longer (see above). You REALLY want the relationship to work - after all, it looked perfect at the start. So you overlook the chinks. More chinks turn up, which you also overlook because, by damn, you are not a quitter and you WILL stick it out.

However, as the chemicals wear off and people who presented themselves as something they are not to win each other start to reveal their true selves, the chinks become humungous holes. Eventually, one person realizes that the rosy future they wanted is an illusion and that there are too many problems to ever solve, so bails.

 

How to remedy this? Understand that hormones will mess up your brain so don't get physically involved for quite a while. Try to be exactly who you are and try - hard - to find yourself someone who is strong enough to be exactly him/herself with you so that you don't waste time on pretense and games. Your best bet is to reveal your warts and flaws early - that gives the other person the option to decide if they are tolerable or not. Why waste all your time pretending to be what you aren't when what you are will eventually come out. Be honest and hope for the same in return and, with luck, you'll find yourself someone who can stick it out in the long run.

[BlockHead]

moimeme

Your best bet is to reveal your warts and flaws early - that gives the other person the option to decide if they are tolerable or not.

Do not, I repeat, do not reveal your flaws early on because women will look for any excuse to blow you off.

 

If you choose to follow moimeme’s advice, you might as well shoot yourself in the foot.

[Arabess]

Originally posted by BlockHead

women will look for any excuse to blow you off.

 

.....hmmmmmm Blockhead....I thought THAT was the GOOD part!!! LMAO!

[moimeme]

OK, BlockHead. I retract. Pretend to be what you are not. Run a bait-and-switch operation with the thought in mind that she will fall so hard for what you pretend to be that you'll be able to continue to fool her once she's hooked. Of course, when she gets to know whatever it was you were hiding and ditches you, it'll be that much more painful than being ditched at the outset but, hey, at least you got a little dick-lay.

[BlockHead]

moimeme

Pretend to be what you are not.

I never said that guys should lie. Early on, they shouldn’t reveal too much, and what they show should be their best qualities.

moimeme

Of course, when she gets to know whatever it was you were hiding and ditches you, it'll be that much more painful than being ditched at the outset but, hey, at least you got a little dick-lay.

Her loss, not mine.

[amerikajin]

Blockhead's right.

 

I don't think he's saying be a phoney; I think he's saying don't help a girl out in revealing your weaknesses. Romance is a conditional relationship - conditional on making the other person happy. You're not gonna convince the other person that they're going to be happy in 20 years if you reveal your weaknesses right off the bat. Truth to tell, I don't think anyone who does their homework on a partner can miss the weaknesses for too long anyway, so the point's moot.

 

But I do agree with Blockhead: your job is to sell yourself.

[BrainRightHeartWrong]

yeah a friend of mines is super honest 30 seconds after meeting a girl, tells her he has no real friends, is ugly, doesn't clean his teeth, just watches tv all day and that he has never had a relationship with anyone...

 

needless to say they run away rather quickly

 

he is 29 and the last time a girl kissed him was 10 years ago and she was paralytic drunk

 

i hate phoney people but you should never reveal all to a potential partner right from the start, how many girls do this in return and would we boys really like a girl who told you everything right on the first few dates?

[moimeme]

Ugh. That wasn't what I meant. Sigh.

[BrainRightHeartWrong]

i know what you mean moimeme, perhaps i was a little bit obscure there relating that to your post...

 

it is important after a month or two of a relationship to ensure that their are not any 'skeletons left in the closet'

 

my ex let me know about hers after about 6 weeks due to me unintentionally putting my foot in it, i would not have expected her to tell me this right away but after she did it actually made me feel more strongly towards her

 

i agree with your attitude of keeping things from one another for a long time as they will raise their ugly head sometime down the line

 

forgive me moimeme, perhaps my original rantings could be related to a different thread though i.e. "what not to say for a chat-up line!!!!!!!!

 

[moimeme]

Sounds like a fun thread LOL

[Arabess]

So Moimeme takes the HIGH ROAD and I make a 'blow joke'....but GAWD....did anyone see that but me?

[reasontosigh]

You, me and when he gets here, possibly Dave 1234 .

[Arabess]

JEEZ thanks Reason! HAHA!

 

Me Dave ///@@<<<< in search of Carly's/////&& bushy lips for blowing yon extended love organ...////////??????

[NotaBadGuy]

I might have to side with moimeme on this one. I am a male. I am not about games. I am no slacker. I have busted my tail for everything I have ever earned. I put on no fronts, no illusions. Basically, what you see is what you get. Sure, the first several months are about illusions and not letting our flaws and shortcomings invade the province of the other person's mind, but as moimeme clearly explained, why play with fools gold. I agree we are not going to see who we are really with immediately going into a relationship, but that will eventually show - verbally or nonverbally. I let alot of cats out of the bag fairly early on because I don't want to waste someones time if they do not want to accept me for who I am now and what I have experienced in life to get where I am. I value my integrity and believe honesty to be an integral part of a new or old relationship. I have nothing to hide.

 

"Try to be exactly who you are and try - hard - to find yourself someone who is strong enough to be exactly him/herself with you so that you don't waste time on pretense and games. Your best bet is to reveal your warts and flaws early - that gives the other person the option to decide if they are tolerable or not. Why waste all your time pretending to be what you aren't when what you are will eventually come out. "

I think this is sound advice. Revealing your self early is fine in my opinion. "Early" is an ambiguous word subject to many interpretations, but is also an important determination. You do have to sell yourself, but to what extent? Be yourself and look for the same in someone who is appealing as relationship material. And there is nothing wrong with being picky, but remember at the same time that there is no such thing as the perfect mate. Noone is perfect on this planet. Some carry more baggage than others, but noone is perfect.

[moimeme]

did anyone see that but me?

 

Well of course!

[BlockHead]

NotaBadGuy

"Try to be exactly who you are and try - hard - to find yourself someone who is strong enough to be exactly him/herself with you so that you don't waste time on pretense and games.

Romance and dating are games, and yes, women want to play games. Don’t assume that women use cost/benefit analysis or logic when dating. They want fun!

Flirting is basically playing. How many women like to flirt?

 

You win brownie points for being a good guy around women, but you won’t win hearts.

[moimeme]

You win brownie points for being a good guy around women, but you won’t win hearts

 

Bullfeathers.