How to stop caring about what he is or isn't feeling??

[LostMe]

I am a MW, had a 4 month PA with a MM last year. He ended it when he left where we both worked and came to his senses. We continued to talk most days for hours on IM, mostly it was just friendly but I knew we were falling for each other. He saw it as a way of us being close without hurting anyone. He didn’t want us to meet up cos he thought it’d start up again…this was an EA right? I know it was for me. It’s like we built a little fantasy world where it was just the two of us. So so wrong.

 

8 months later I changed jobs and logged off IM for good. We never talked about it. My frustration and longing was just making me lash out and cause fights so he would reveal his true feelings. In the end he always would, but he says I know him well enough to know how he feels. Plus what’s the point right? Neither of us wanted it to go anywhere.

 

So that’s the thing. I’m glad it’s over I really am. But I miss him so much and I am really struggling with how he is just moving on like I meant nothing. I read on another thread that you wouldn’t ask your dealer to help you kick your habit ha ha! I just hate that he won’t ever say he misses me, or that he ever thinks about me. I think he’s struggling too because of how he behaves sometimes (we are in very LC), but he’d never admit he’s being anything but friendly.

 

I am keeping myself busy and trying to be the wife my husband truly deserves…but at times I feel like I just imagined all there was between us. And other times I think that we really loved each other. It’s been almost 4 months now…I know I shouldn’t care what he’s thinking, I need to concentrate on my marriage. I almost feel like I want to share getting over him, with him. I guess I am still looking for his emotional support?? I want to know if he has good days and bad days too. I want to know that I meant something to him. I find myself searching on here a lot for insight into how he might be feeling. I also think i use LS to keep 'us' alive somehow. It's just crazy. I feel so exhausted by it.

 

Why am I feeling like this?? Is it ego?? I can accept the affair is over but not the friendship/emotional connection??? None of it makes sense! The whole thing was just toxic!! How do i let him go once and for all??

[ladydesigner]

It takes time and most likely with NC (no contact). I used to feel the same way and still do every once in a while. I have been 8 months NC and I initiated the NC because I couldn't be friends. I don't think many people can continue a friendship after an A. My XOM ended things with me too. He had a long-term girlfriend. You are only 4 months out, I still think it is too early to be over it, especially if you loved him.

[bestplayer]

I am a MW, had a 4 month PA with a MM last year. He ended it when he left where we both worked and came to his senses. We continued to talk most days for hours on IM, mostly it was just friendly but I knew we were falling for each other. He saw it as a way of us being close without hurting anyone. He didn’t want us to meet up cos he thought it’d start up again…this was an EA right? I know it was for me. It’s like we built a little fantasy world where it was just the two of us. So so wrong.

 

8 months later I changed jobs and logged off IM for good. We never talked about it. My frustration and longing was just making me lash out and cause fights so he would reveal his true feelings. In the end he always would, but he says I know him well enough to know how he feels. Plus what’s the point right? Neither of us wanted it to go anywhere.

 

So that’s the thing. I’m glad it’s over I really am. But I miss him so much and I am really struggling with how he is just moving on like I meant nothing. I read on another thread that you wouldn’t ask your dealer to help you kick your habit ha ha! I just hate that he won’t ever say he misses me, or that he ever thinks about me. I think he’s struggling too because of how he behaves sometimes (we are in very LC), but he’d never admit he’s being anything but friendly.

 

I am keeping myself busy and trying to be the wife my husband truly deserves…but at times I feel like I just imagined all there was between us. And other times I think that we really loved each other. It’s been almost 4 months now…I know I shouldn’t care what he’s thinking, I need to concentrate on my marriage. I almost feel like I want to share getting over him, with him. I guess I am still looking for his emotional support?? I want to know if he has good days and bad days too. I want to know that I meant something to him. I find myself searching on here a lot for insight into how he might be feeling. I also think i use LS to keep 'us' alive somehow. It's just crazy. I feel so exhausted by it.

 

Why am I feeling like this?? Is it ego?? I can accept the affair is over but not the friendship/emotional connection??? None of it makes sense! The whole thing was just toxic!! How do i let him go once and for all??

 

If u miss him so much & feel u r in love with him it indicates there is no love in ur marriage , because u can't be truly in love with two persons at one time .

[LostMe]

thank you ladydesigner. I admire you so much for going NC. I think our contact will die out soon enough. I have stopped initiating anything because I find it really hard not be close anymore and talk about everything like we used to.

 

I feel like 4 months is a long time given that it was such a bad situation to be in and i should be relieved it's over. I am glad in my head but not my heart yet perhaps. It's like if i knew he was suffering too i would take some comfort in that. Or would I?! That's such a terrible thing to say!

 

I don't know if i really love him or not, i'm still in the fog with it. But i do know i don't want to love him.

[ladydesigner]

thank you ladydesigner. I admire you so much for going NC. I think our contact will die out soon enough. I have stopped initiating anything because I find it really hard not be close anymore and talk about everything like we used to.

 

I feel like 4 months is a long time given that it was such a bad situation to be in and i should be relieved it's over. I am glad in my head but not my heart yet perhaps. It's like if i knew he was suffering too i would take some comfort in that. Or would I?! That's such a terrible thing to say!

 

I don't know if i really love him or not, i'm still in the fog with it. But i do know i don't want to love him.

 

(((Lostme)))

 

I know exactly what you are saying. I also knew it had to end and was relieved that it did (especially with no d-day and my H still does not and will hopefully never know what happened). I knew in my heart that I could not leave my M for my XOM and a life with XOM would not have been the right choice it would have been a disaster. I too believe I was caught up in the "affair fog" but I also think that I did fall in love with him. It's crazy that we want to know the other person is suffering, but I too felt this way and I was suffering. Today I feel indifference and acceptance of the situation with an exception of a few days here or there when I still wonder how he is doing.

[LostMe]

Thanks for the hugs made me well up! I'm such an emotional wreck these days! I always knew a relationship with this MM would not be the same in real life, it was all such a fantasy. I hate feeling like I've imagined it all because he seems ok to be friends. I can't tell what's real and what's not.

 

LS has helped loads already thanks jthorne! It's helping me find ways to fix my marriage. I do worry about how much I'm looking on here sometimes...it's like I'm trying to find something that tells me 'yes, he loved you and now he's miserable too.'

[whichwayisup]

Remember that most of this is your ego hurting...And a habit you need to break.

 

Your brain KNOWS but your emotions and heart aren't there yet.

 

Keep as busy as possible and keep telling yourself what he does, thinks, says, feels doesn't matter. Because at the end of the day, no matter what he may tell you, chances are, you won't believe it or you'll question it.

 

The ego part of you wants to know that you meant something to him - Well, he, like you, risked his marriage and all that knows for an affair. Think about that aspect of it and try to keep things in perspective.

[Heather1]

He'll miss you when your gone

[LostMe]

WWIU- you are so right about ego and habit. I do feel I am getting the better of it slowly but surely. And you're right that nothing he ever says or does will be good enough for me anymore anyway.

 

He completely minimized the EA part so much that it confuses me into thinking I read too much into it and I am just doing this all to myself! The fact he's never mentioned me not being on IM anymore must mean he knows it wasn't right...

 

It's *thinking* and not *knowing* that does me in. I wish I could read his mind. God no, scary thought! I take that back.

[wheelwright]

It's *thinking* and not *knowing* that does me in. I wish I could read his mind. God no, scary thought! I take that back.

 

You have to learn how to get over it whatever his mindset may be.

 

That's what NC is for.

 

Good luck,

[fooled once]

So I am confused....

 

He ended it.

 

You and he both knew it would not go anywhere anyway.

 

You want him to tell you he loves you.

 

You want him to tell you he misses you.

 

You want him to want you.

 

You are trying to focus on your marriage and healing it from the damage you did (whether you told your H or not, you have damaged the marriage).

 

But you are too sad thinking about this MM and whether he misses you, etc.

 

So ask him. If he says no, will you believe him? If he says yes, then what? Have you told him how desperately you miss him?

 

And where will these 'feelings' leave you? Any better off than you are now?

 

Maybe it is time to end your marriage? Are you just going through the emotions or are you really wanting your marriage to work and if you do want it to work, what are YOU doing to make it work?

[LostMe]

I did ask him once, he said of course he misses me but it's confusing. He also said 'i know you see it from your side but it's no different from mine.' That's as much as he'll talk about his feelings. But then we don't speak for a while and when we do he's all happy and friendly and i feel like he doesn't care or miss me again. I know it's easier for men to set aside their feelings. And he has started so many new hobbies since we stopped it's ridiculous...it's just that we used to share everything and i feel so alone in grieving the end of it.

 

I do want my marriage. The problems are within me and I am happy with the progress I'm making in identifying and fixing them. I know i need to reattach to my husband. I want to. I am still too focused on trying to get over xMM rather than just living my life and letting it happen naturally. I hate feeling like i am pining for him while he acts like it never happened at all. It makes me think i've read too much into it. I want to feel like was/am special to him otherwise it's all such a terrible waste of emotion and i risked everything for something that wasn't even there.

 

I need perspective!

[bestplayer]

I did ask him once, he said of course he misses me but it's confusing. He also said 'i know you see it from your side but it's no different from mine.' That's as much as he'll talk about his feelings. But then we don't speak for a while and when we do he's all happy and friendly and i feel like he doesn't care or miss me again. I know it's easier for men to set aside their feelings. And he has started so many new hobbies since we stopped it's ridiculous...it's just that we used to share everything and i feel so alone in grieving the end of it.

 

I do want my marriage. The problems are within me and I am happy with the progress I'm making in identifying and fixing them. I know i need to reattach to my husband. I want to. I am still too focused on trying to get over xMM rather than just living my life and letting it happen naturally. I hate feeling like i am pining for him while he acts like it never happened at all. It makes me think i've read too much into it. I want to feel like was/am special to him otherwise it's all such a terrible waste of emotion and i risked everything for something that wasn't even there.

 

I need perspective!

 

well the fact is u still dont want to let go as u want to grieve ur affair with him & want him to tell u that he loves u as much as u do . Its hard to believe after reading ur posts that u want to reattach to ur husband as u would not have asked questions wondering about ur MM's feelings & expressing ur deep love for him . And u r happy about ur progress in ur marriage , while keeping in contact with ur MM ?

 

I think ur husband has no idea that the love he sees in his marriage is fake , his partner is pinning for some one else & he has been living a lie .

 

Anyway I wish u luck in whatever u choose

[Got it]

Have you looked into IC or MC? IC to help you figure out what you want in a relationship and life and MC to help you guys figure out how to fix the disconnect in the marriage.

[her_halo_slipped]

I am a MW, had a 4 month PA with a MM last year. He ended it when he left where we both worked and came to his senses. We continued to talk most days for hours on IM, mostly it was just friendly but I knew we were falling for each other. He saw it as a way of us being close without hurting anyone. He didn’t want us to meet up cos he thought it’d start up again…this was an EA right? I know it was for me. It’s like we built a little fantasy world where it was just the two of us. So so wrong.

 

8 months later I changed jobs and logged off IM for good. We never talked about it. My frustration and longing was just making me lash out and cause fights so he would reveal his true feelings. In the end he always would, but he says I know him well enough to know how he feels. Plus what’s the point right? Neither of us wanted it to go anywhere.

 

So that’s the thing. I’m glad it’s over I really am. But I miss him so much and I am really struggling with how he is just moving on like I meant nothing. I read on another thread that you wouldn’t ask your dealer to help you kick your habit ha ha! I just hate that he won’t ever say he misses me, or that he ever thinks about me. I think he’s struggling too because of how he behaves sometimes (we are in very LC), but he’d never admit he’s being anything but friendly.

 

I am keeping myself busy and trying to be the wife my husband truly deserves…but at times I feel like I just imagined all there was between us. And other times I think that we really loved each other. It’s been almost 4 months now…I know I shouldn’t care what he’s thinking, I need to concentrate on my marriage. I almost feel like I want to share getting over him, with him. I guess I am still looking for his emotional support?? I want to know if he has good days and bad days too. I want to know that I meant something to him. I find myself searching on here a lot for insight into how he might be feeling. I also think i use LS to keep 'us' alive somehow. It's just crazy. I feel so exhausted by it.

 

Why am I feeling like this?? Is it ego?? I can accept the affair is over but not the friendship/emotional connection??? None of it makes sense! The whole thing was just toxic!! How do i let him go once and for all??

Lost...you are not alone. Many of us here (myself included) are also getting over affairs and struggle with the " what did we really mean to him" and "how can he just get over us" pattern of thought.

The truth is he probably finds it just as difficult to move on as we do. Men and women just express it differently.

It will do you no good to dwell on him or his thoughts. Keep busy, do things that bring you happiness and satisfaction and always remember the toxicity the A brought to you.

How do you let him go......you just do. Will you forget him? Of course not. He was part of your life experience. But not so good things happen to us in and life and those things we don't dwell on. We might remember them occasionally but eventually we think of them less and less and just get on with the business of a new day. So too with him and the A.

Edited April 2, 2010 by her_halo_slipped

[Just a stone's throw]

LostMe - I could have written your posts. Truly. The only thing I can't identify with is the thought that exMM has any emotional thoughts about me at this point or did at any point. I believe that some men really can detach themselves from all emotions and move on so much more easily. I can choose to make myself crazy trying to wonder if he's thinking about me but likely, he is not. He is keeping himself very busy doing what he needs to do to live a very full and happy life.... without me in it.... Plain and simple.... hard to swallow but it is what it is. Not sure if you read the post where jthorne paraphrased a quote from TaraMaiden but it really struck me today and it's something I really want to focus on so I stop asking "why" and "could he be thinking about me" because if he was what would it prove? We're not going to be together and we need to separate ourselves. It is about ego, pride in ourselves and an evaluation of our self-worth.

 

"To move forward, you have to give up hope of a better past." (jthorne ala TaraMaiden)

[sarkandlauren]

LostMe - I could have written your posts. Truly. The only thing I can't identify with is the thought that exMM has any emotional thoughts about me at this point or did at any point. I believe that some men really can detach themselves from all emotions and move on so much more easily. I can choose to make myself crazy trying to wonder if he's thinking about me but likely, he is not. He is keeping himself very busy doing what he needs to do to live a very full and happy life.... without me in it.... Plain and simple.... hard to swallow but it is what it is. Not sure if you read the post where jthorne paraphrased a quote from TaraMaiden but it really struck me today and it's something I really want to focus on so I stop asking "why" and "could he be thinking about me" because if he was what would it prove? We're not going to be together and we need to separate ourselves. It is about ego, pride in ourselves and an evaluation of our self-worth.

 

 

 

 

"To move forward, you have to give up hope of a better past." (jthorne ala TaraMaiden)

 

Both OP and Just a stone's throw post hit me right in the head. I am still in contact with him (not MM, but he has SO), our relationship is complex in a way that I don't think I can even label it is an A or EA. We talked almost everyday for the past 5 months, we've cuddled and spooned and spent nights on same bed before (no sex), yet, I don't think he even consider me as someone he likes romantically. How hurtful is this? We're just friends... well, in my book, friends don't do this !!!

 

He's just not that into me, and frankly, if I truely know that this will not go anywhere, why do I want himto be into me? I'm confused.I dont' know what I want, i don't know what he wants either. I probably don't want to find out what he truely wants because the truth could be very painful.

 

Like what Just a stone's throw said, the hardest, most hurtful thing is that, if i decide to just walk away, no contact, and just disappear in his life, I truely believe that he has no emotion attached to this at all. He will live a very happy life and that live will not even have a thought about me in it, as simple and painful as it sounds, it is what it is.

It's like, oh, she's gone... okay, let me just erase her name on the board. I don't know how long it will take me to get over this, but I believe I will.

 

To OP: I think all of us wanted to know, that our exM/lover still thinks about us, love us, that this departure is painful for them as well, it's a closure/ego thing. We need to try to convince ourselves that, it doesn't really matter what the answer is, it really doesn't.

[LostMe]

wow. every new post makes me burst into tears! Maybe this is the emotional support i'm looking for! i've been feeling like i don't deserve any from anyone but him. Almost as if he knows what i did and accepts me for it anyway.

 

He has the ability to just cut things off too, this is what makes me doubt what i meant to him. But in my heart i *know* he had very deep feelings for me based on the things he did, and continues to do actually, rather than anything he ever says or didn't say. He just doesn't want to go there and quite rightly doesn't see the point.

 

Part of me is not ready to let him go, no. He has been such a big part of my life for the last year, and two years prior to that when were just friends with a crush...some days i wish we could just go back to the EA as it seems easier than trying to get over it.

 

I am not in IC or MC, i have thought about it but i want to see how i go as i feel i can fix it. All this looking for answers and trying to find out what i can DO or he can SAY to make it stop hurting is me trying to be pro active and hurry things along. Maybe the answer as some of you have already pointed out is just simply time.

 

It seems cruel that we can't be in each other's lives anymore. But obviously not as cruel as the consequences. Love the quote, thanks. So true.

[LostMe]

To Just a stone's throw - he told me once that i would get over this quicker than him as women always do. I think there is some truth in this. I think some men bury their feelings so they don't have to deal with them but it means that they carry them around a lot longer. Us girls tend to just thrash it out, cry, scream, agonise and be done with. Just because he's not showing it, does it mean he's not feeling it...it's what i would love to know.

[bestplayer]

LostMe - I could have written your posts. Truly. The only thing I can't identify with is the thought that exMM has any emotional thoughts about me at this point or did at any point. I believe that some men really can detach themselves from all emotions and move on so much more easily. I can choose to make myself crazy trying to wonder if he's thinking about me but likely, he is not. He is keeping himself very busy doing what he needs to do to live a very full and happy life.... without me in it.... Plain and simple.... hard to swallow but it is what it is. Not sure if you read the post where jthorne paraphrased a quote from TaraMaiden but it really struck me today and it's something I really want to focus on so I stop asking "why" and "could he be thinking about me" because if he was what would it prove? We're not going to be together and we need to separate ourselves. It is about ego, pride in ourselves and an evaluation of our self-worth.

 

"To move forward, you have to give up hope of a better past." (jthorne ala TaraMaiden)

 

He is keeping himself very busy doing what he needs to do to live a very full and happy life.... without me in it.... Plain and simple.... hard to swallow but it is what it is.

 

hard to swallow ? so let me ask u is it like u wanted u & mm to stay together forever but mm decided to stay with his wife so u had to stay with ur husband & u r still pinning for MM ?

[sarkandlauren]

He is keeping himself very busy doing what he needs to do to live a very full and happy life.... without me in it.... Plain and simple.... hard to swallow but it is what it is.

 

hard to swallow ? so let me ask u is it like u wanted u & mm to stay together forever but mm decided to stay with his wife so u had to stay with ur husband & u r still pinning for MM ?

 

I know this was not directed to me, but I had to answer this. It IS hard to swallow. It is very hurtful and painful to find out that someone who you love/loved can just pull the plug, throw us away like yesterday's garbage, turn around and live a full and happy life. No, it's not that I don't wish him happiness, but it is difficult for me to grasp the idea that our relationship means absolutely nothing to him.

[bestplayer]

I know this was not directed to me, but I had to answer this. It IS hard to swallow. It is very hurtful and painful to find out that someone who you love/loved can just pull the plug, throw us away like yesterday's garbage, turn around and live a full and happy life. No, it's not that I don't wish him happiness, but it is difficult for me to grasp the idea that our relationship means absolutely nothing to him.

 

well the question wasn't " why it is hard to swallow ? " what I asked is weather she hoped to eventually be with the MM & for ever ?

[Just a stone's throw]

well the question wasn't " why it is hard to swallow ? " what I asked is weather she hoped to eventually be with the MM & for ever ?

 

Nope, didn't see that happening and didn't plan on it (having an extended future together). Just didn't like the way it ended. Wasn't ready for it to end when it did. It was on his timeline and by his rules and I just didn't like it. I'm a bit of a control freak and he took all control away from me. (so I think). But I still have control over myself and my actions. I just wish I could get control over my thoughts and the need to know that all of this "meant something to him". That's the pride issue. I am only doing this once (the A). I told him repeatedly, when we're done, I'm done with this kind of action. I mean it. So the ending of this A has a lot of implications for me. For him, he could probably (and maybe has) start one tomorrow. I have to stop worrying about that. It's a daily struggle but I'm winning.

[LostMe]

Nope' date=' didn't see that happening and didn't plan on it (having an extended future together). Just didn't like the way it ended. Wasn't ready for it to end when it did. It was on his timeline and by his rules and I just didn't like it. I'm a bit of a control freak and he took all control away from me. (so I think). But I still have control over myself and my actions. I just wish I could get control over my thoughts and the need to know that all of this "meant something to him". That's the pride issue. I am only doing this once (the A). I told him repeatedly, when we're done, I'm done with this kind of action. I mean it. So the ending of this A has a lot of implications for me. For him, he could probably (and maybe has) start one tomorrow. I have to stop worrying about that. It's a daily struggle but I'm winning.[/quote']

 

and this post, I could've written

[Just a stone's throw]

Okay, lost me. It's evident we're in similar positions. What are you doing to re-focus on your marriage? Let's get our flimsy minds off of the A and exMM and let's think about the "other man" in all of this, our husbands. As I told exMM, I am taking this time to work on my M and decide if it's what I want and I couldn't do that with him in the picture so this time is a gift. What am I going to do with the gift? What are you going to do with it?