How to stop caring about what he is or isn't feeling??

[happygirl1234]

unfortunately' date=' I don't have any tricks to break that cycle. I wish I did. I totally know the staring at the Blackberry gig!! It's so counter productive to a smart woman. [/quote']

 

OMG, I couldn't agree more with JAST on the "staring at the Blackberry" thing. I have had a crush on a MM (I am M myself) for the past several months and one of the things I have HATED the most is finding myself checking my BB every 2 minutes to see if he has sent me a text or email. Makes me feel like a complete idiot loser.

 

It is totally counterproductive and I loved reading this post because it has helped slap me out of my infatuation fog. Hallelujah:bunny:

[Just a stone's throw]

Good for you HG1234! If you have to, there is nothing wrong with re-reading the threads that have hit home with you just in case you have weak moments and start to think but "what if" and "maybe my situation will be different"..... well, from all I've read here the likelihood of that being the case is very, very slim.

 

I'm glad you're in a "happier" place. You seem to swing your emotions pretty easily. I don't mean that as a judgement because I feel I tend to do the same. When something hits me and I just get it and it feels right, I kind of "snap out of it" and move on.

 

Acknowledge where you came from, learn from it and move on.

 

My thoughts for the day.

[happygirl1234]

Good for you HG1234! If you have to, there is nothing wrong with re-reading the threads that have hit home with you just in case you have weak moments and start to think but "what if" and "maybe my situation will be different"..... well, from all I've read here the likelihood of that being the case is very, very slim.

 

I'm glad you're in a "happier" place. You seem to swing your emotions pretty easily. I don't mean that as a judgement because I feel I tend to do the same. When something hits me and I just get it and it feels right, I kind of "snap out of it" and move on.

 

Acknowledge where you came from, learn from it and move on.

 

My thoughts for the day.

 

I am trying to re-read this particular thread every day now because of the effect it's had on me. It helps me stay strong and focused.

 

Yeah, I'm always a pretty happy girl (hence the name) but it's funny how you can be happy and still do really stupid things that you know have a 99 percent chance of leading you to a very unhappy place. What's up with that?

 

Thank goodness I do have an ability to snap out of things and turn on a dime when the fog clears and I can see clearly. I think if I hadn't had that affair many years ago when I was single, I would still be in the fog right now and be denying all the good advice everyone at LS has been given me.

 

So you're right... experience teaches, even if we forget what we learned temporarily.

 

HG;)

[LostMe]

Well, xMM does not like NC one little bit! What is it with that?! I've heard more from him this week than I have in the last 4 months. All because I haven't been responding. Sheesh. Explain me this someone. *

 

I had to send him a short message in the end as he started making out it was a work matter and I didn't want him calling the office as then I'd have to speak to him and I'm not strong enough to do that without blubbing like a 5year old girl. I kept it breezy, no bitterness, cracked a joke and left it there. I didn't respond to his reply, no need to. He's still not telling me about his life. I think he just wants to keep tabs on mine.*

 

I know I should feel good about it, I expect I will when the 5yr old stops screaming that she misses him!! back to NC.

[jj33]

He said that all the feelings and love and longing are still in there, but he has put them on a shelf. He chooses not to dwell on the pain he feels. He chooses to look at what is in front of him and not think about what he cannot have. (has chosen not to have).

 

Janet reading your post was very sobering for me. That is the decision that xMM has made with me. He does not look back. He looks forward. Sometimes I think it is easier for him as his life is so very full of people and places and things and obligations that it must be easier for him to compartmentalise. I realise its true when I am out with people (which is not as often as i would like). If I had a family around me and loads of social events where he was not present, maybe my mind wouldnt wander to him so frequently. But I dont and I just hope this realization stops my mind from wandering there... finally. Its a a terrible waster of time.

[Just a stone's throw]

Well, xMM does not like NC one little bit! What is it with that?! I've heard more from him this week than I have in the last 4 months. All because I haven't been responding. Sheesh. Explain me this someone. *

 

I had to send him a short message in the end as he started making out it was a work matter and I didn't want him calling the office as then I'd have to speak to him and I'm not strong enough to do that without blubbing like a 5year old girl. I kept it breezy, no bitterness, cracked a joke and left it there. I didn't respond to his reply, no need to. He's still not telling me about his life. I think he just wants to keep tabs on mine.*

 

I know I should feel good about it, I expect I will when the 5yr old stops screaming that she misses him!! back to NC.

 

 

Been NC since Monday (yeah me!) don't have to worry about him contacting me after our exit email. Just won't happen. Though tonight there is a fairly good chance I will run into him socially. I am praying that I don't. The social situation will be stressful enough without having to deal with our first public encounter. One thing at a time please. I look good, my H looks excellent and we will be just fine if it does happen. Will report back tomorrow.

 

Lost Me, keep up the good work and positive (f-you) attitude!!

[Heather1]

Ok gals...rub it in. I haven't heard boo from him. I was right, he was done & didn't know how to end things. Kinda bummed, would have liked to at least be turning him down or not replying. Ugh

[Just a stone's throw]

H1 - Why on earth would we rub it in? Was sitting right where you were. My exMM has always been in the drivers seat on this one, I just decided not to let it bother me anymore. As someone else posted for me, be glad he made that decision for you and took the decision whether to respond or not out of your hands. Glass half-full approach. Hang in there !

 

Update from last night's social event. I thankfully did not run into him. It was a really fun event and we met lots of new couples that I think we will have opportunity to see socially in the future. I am very happy about the whole thing (except the wine hangover this a.m.)

[Heather1]

Just feeling sorry for myself. So much for me being a femme fatal (ha, ha). A part of me wants him to be bummed he lost me.

 

I'm glad he wasn't there JAST!!! I was at the ATM & saw xOM drive by the other day. I saw it from a distance, so by the time he drove by I didn't even look up.

[JustJoe]

Sorry for the thread jack, but I have a thread about disclosure, and would like any of you ladies to go there and tell me if you have disclosed or not and why. It would be a great help to me as a former OM.

[Just a stone's throw]

Just feeling sorry for myself. So much for me being a femme fatal (ha, ha). A part of me wants him to be bummed he lost me.

 

I'm glad he wasn't there JAST!!! I was at the ATM & saw xOM drive by the other day. I saw it from a distance, so by the time he drove by I didn't even look up.

 

 

Heather, I know that's what we'd all like to feel like at times. Reality is I'm "Just JAST". You're "Just Heather". Now, "Just Joe" wants us to say why we've chosen to not disclose. I've been following that thread but purposely not posting as I didn't need more scrutiny with my decision. But.... since he asked nicely and I KNOW he will keep the conversation about the POST TOPIC and not about the POSTERS, I will comply.

[Hazyhead]

I think when you let go of any relationship you want to know you meant something, that you'll be missed. It is an ego thing, I so agree with that. Damn our egos! I try not to think about it and it is getting easier as time goes on (over six weeks NC); actually starting to feel natural not to have him in my life again. When the thoughts get you though, it's hard not to have a stab of... something, knowing that they're just, like, 'Ok, see ya!' But then, I wouldn't want xMM to be hanging on or still contacting. Firstly, because it would make it harder for me to pull completely away; and secondly, because I do still love him; that doesn't go away, and I want him to be happy.

 

About the Blackberry thing, I get you completely, BUT, it's another thing I'm now free from - no more being tied to electronic, secretive communication. That is refreshing

 

We'll get there.

[Heather1]

I feel the same way Hazy, it's weird when another week rolls by & nothing though. I'm OK with it, I knew it was over when I said good bye. Actually, I knew when I got that email the day after we had mind blowing sex.

 

He knows I cared about him, that's all that matters. I think about him about an hour a day now.....power hour.

 

Keeping busy though!!

 

I'll have to find that post & reply to it. Maybe that was posted when I was on my wild trip?

[Hazyhead]

I feel the same way Hazy, it's weird when another week rolls by & nothing though. I'm OK with it, I knew it was over when I said good bye. Actually, I knew when I got that email the day after we had mind blowing sex.

 

He knows I cared about him, that's all that matters. I think about him about an hour a day now.....power hour.

 

Keeping busy though!!

 

I'll have to find that post & reply to it. Maybe that was posted when I was on my wild trip?

 

I'm happy with the weeks rolling by too; it means I'm getting there. What post are you talking about, Heather? I must have missed something.

[LostMe]

I think when you let go of any relationship you want to know you meant something, that you'll be missed. It is an ego thing, I so agree with that. Damn our egos! I try not to think about it and it is getting easier as time goes on (over six weeks NC); actually starting to feel natural not to have him in my life again. When the thoughts get you though, it's hard not to have a stab of... something, knowing that they're just, like, 'Ok, see ya!' But then, I wouldn't want xMM to be hanging on or still contacting. Firstly, because it would make it harder for me to pull completely away; and secondly, because I do still love him; that doesn't go away, and I want him to be happy.

 

 

But why doesn't xMM need to know he meant something? He's the one with the bigger ego...he seems happy to be friends, it makes me so resentful towards him. How can he just 'put it on the shelf' and not think about it? Or ever want to talk about it? Don't men need closure too?

 

But it's true and it's pointless, my feelings for him won't go away because he tells me he's struggling too. He could tell me he misses me every single day, nothing would change the situation. It is what it is. And if i ever brought it up, that's exactly what he would tell me.

 

PS JAST nice update! Seeing him so soon after your last contact would've been so tough, could've stirred up those emotions that you've got such a good grip on right now. Pretty soon bumping into him won't even be an issue. xMM had a habit of 'popping by' my office when he was in the area, so hard to prepare for that. Seeing him for 5 mins was worse than not seeing him at all. I told him this. He stopped wanting us to be physically in each others presence a long time ago for any length of time and certainly not on our own. I think he found the temptation too much and of course neither of us trusted ourselves. I'll be avoiding any social scenarios where he might be like the plague from now on. The temptation to slap his 'friendly' face would be too much

[Just a stone's throw]

I hear you, Lost! I don't want to rely on him for any needed info or introductions or updates on anything. I want to be done and rid of him from my daily thoughts (good in theory but boy, it's still hard to do). Thank goodness he can't just "drop in". That would be way distracting. I doubt he would though. He made his point very clear. Just a piece of a$$.

[Hazyhead]

But why doesn't xMM need to know he meant something? He's the one with the bigger ego...he seems happy to be friends, it makes me so resentful towards him. How can he just 'put it on the shelf' and not think about it? Or ever want to talk about it? Don't men need closure too?

 

But it's true and it's pointless, my feelings for him won't go away because he tells me he's struggling too. He could tell me he misses me every single day, nothing would change the situation. It is what it is. And if i ever brought it up, that's exactly what he would tell me.

 

PS JAST nice update! Seeing him so soon after your last contact would've been so tough, could've stirred up those emotions that you've got such a good grip on right now. Pretty soon bumping into him won't even be an issue. xMM had a habit of 'popping by' my office when he was in the area, so hard to prepare for that. Seeing him for 5 mins was worse than not seeing him at all. I told him this. He stopped wanting us to be physically in each others presence a long time ago for any length of time and certainly not on our own. I think he found the temptation too much and of course neither of us trusted ourselves. I'll be avoiding any social scenarios where he might be like the plague from now on. The temptation to slap his 'friendly' face would be too much

 

Lost, I think he does crave assurance that he meant something (you fed his ego after all), BUT his situation makes it so much harder to dig for that information so, in another way, he's showing respect by not stringing you along further. Long term, this is a good thing; you can put your efforts back into your marriage now and soon you wont care what he thinks of you. Play the whole 'So... who are you again?' game back at him.

 

Remember - fake it 'til you make it

[secretlady76]

May I just firstly say that I am good at giving out advice and RUBBISH at doing what I advise other people to do...anyway...

 

I am a MW, had a 4 month PA with a MM last year. He ended it when he left where we both worked (no bad thing)

 

and came to his senses. We continued to talk most days for hours on IM, mostly it was just friendly but I knew we were falling for each other. He saw it as a way of us being close without hurting anyone. He didn’t want us to meet up cos he thought it’d start up again…this was an EA right (yep)?

 

I know it was for me. It’s like we built a little fantasy world where it was just the two of us. So so wrong. (yes, wrong but unavoidable)

 

8 months later I changed jobs and logged off IM for good. We never talked about it. My frustration and longing was just making me lash out and cause fights so he would reveal his true feelings. In the end he always would, but he says I know him well enough to know how he feels. Plus what’s the point right? Neither of us wanted it to go anywhere (so what was the point in you trying to make him show his true feelings?).

So that’s the thing. I’m glad it’s over I really am. But I miss him so much and I am really struggling with how he is just moving on like I meant nothing. (er, you logged of from IM so what do you expect? Also if you're glad its over then you shouldn't be gutted that he isn't crying over you????)

 

I read on another thread that you wouldn’t ask your dealer to help you kick your habit ha ha! I just hate that he won’t ever say he misses me, or that he ever thinks about me. I think he’s struggling too because of how he behaves sometimes (we are in very LC), but he’d never admit he’s being anything but friendly. (why do you care?)

 

I am keeping myself busy and trying to be the wife my husband truly deserves…but at times I feel like I just imagined all there was between us. And other times I think that we really loved each other. It’s been almost 4 months now…I know I shouldn’t care what he’s thinking, I need to concentrate on my marriage. I almost feel like I want to share getting over him, with him. (that's an excuse to keep in touch and that's because he was the only other one in the relationship. However you will get all the support you need here, your story IS NOT unique...)

 

I guess I am still looking for his emotional support?? IISant to know if he has good days and bad days too. I want to know that I meant something to him. I find myself searching on here a lot for insight into how he might be feeling. I also think i use LS to keep 'us' alive somehow. It's just crazy. I feel so exhausted by it. (er, even if you knew he missed you, that you meant something to him, that he loved you even, what difference would it make to you moving on and being glad it's over?....you're a contradiction!!!!???)

 

Why am I feeling like this?? Is it ego?? I can accept the affair is over but not the friendship/emotional connection??? None of it makes sense! The whole thing was just toxic!! How do i let him go once and for all?? (you need NC, mentally and physically, basically any reminder of him has to be ERASED FOREVER.....sorry, harsh but it is the only way......)

 

...and even then you may not ever get over him I am afraid....

[LostMe]

Hazy- thanks, fake it til I make it will be my mantra!!! Today has been a 'good xMM day' and I'm wondering why I'm so bothered...he's just a man. Though this is probably because he's been in touch a lot lately so that's making me feel like I did/do mean something. It just all boils down to missing him really and trying to adjust my thinking.

 

Secretlady- your post made me laugh out loud!!! Not sure if it was meant to I am a contradiction completely. I'm confused, I'm emotional, I'm hurt and I've been driving myself bonkers and that's why I'm here. Not much about what I did or how I feel makes sense to me either. I know I'll stop caring about it all eventually, I want the destination not the journey!

[Passion4Life]

Hazy- thanks, fake it til I make it will be my mantra!!! Today has been a 'good xMM day' and I'm wondering why I'm so bothered...he's just a man. Though this is probably because he's been in touch a lot lately so that's making me feel like I did/do mean something. It just all boils down to missing him really and trying to adjust my thinking.

 

Secretlady- your post made me laugh out loud!!! Not sure if it was meant to I am a contradiction completely. I'm confused, I'm emotional, I'm hurt and I've been driving myself bonkers and that's why I'm here. Not much about what I did or how I feel makes sense to me either. I know I'll stop caring about it all eventually, I want the destination not the journey!

 

You are confused & emotional that is understandable , but why hurt ?

[LostMe]

I'm hurt because he's cut me out of his life, emotionally at least, and won't be drawn on talking about it. He acts as if there was nothing between us at all. I understand why but still, it hurts.

[Just a stone's throw]

Lost, I wish there was some way I could "gift" you the feeling of indifference. I know it's only been a week of NC for me and I'm not sure that it was the email closure that did it but am pretty sure it was. I was stringing along trying to keep some semblence of pseudo-friendship alive with exMM knowing full well it wasn't going to work.

 

I can't say that the closure thing would work for you for sure but asking him for his bottom line may just allow you the freedom to get angry and move to indifference and get off the hurt wagon. I'm more of the mind set now of he's a bit pathetic and I don't deserve pathetic.

 

Hugs! You can only be hurt if you let yourself be. I think of a song by Coldplay where they say "Just because I'm hurting, doesn't mean I'm hurt". To me that means you can't label me (or for that matter I can't label myself) as damaged because you've done something to me. It may be a feeling but it's not permanent. There's a choice there.

[LostMe]

Thanks JAST, I would glady accept that gift!! I don't feel like I need closure but maybe I do. I don't know what i expect him to say to make it better.

 

I do feel like I'm stringing along waiting for some sort of outpouring of emotion from him. I've tried asking for it before but he'll only say what's 'right'. I don't want to push the issue as i'm afraid he'll say it meant nothing when i want to believe that's not true.

 

I am starting to think that I can't magically make the feelings to go away, I'll just learn to live with them and eventually they'll fade or i'll just think of him less.

[secretlady76]

..I do feel like I'm stringing along waiting for some sort of outpouring of emotion from him. I've tried asking for it before but he'll only say what's 'right'. I don't want to push the issue as i'm afraid he'll say it meant nothing when i want to believe that's not true.

 

I am starting to think that I can't magically make the feelings to go away, I'll just learn to live with them and eventually they'll fade or i'll just think of him less.

 

So you think that if he turned round and said he still had strong feelings for you blah blah that you would miraculously feel better? NO NO NO. It will put you back to square one. Men tend to put feelings into a compartment and put them away, so however much you push him, he won't budge. Look, YOU HAVE TO ACCEPT IT IS OVER. You have to deal with the feelings and eventually they will pass in time, you will slowly feel better but if you keep trying to get him to talk about it, you won't move on and in the meantime he is. He is doing you favour in the long run, even though you can't see it.

 

If you carry on obsessing about it, you'll turn into a nutter and that WILL NOT be attractive!!!! You have to accept that the next few weeks will be feelings of grief, numbness, pain, hurt etc but THEY WILL PASS AND THEN LIVE LIFE MY FRIEND AND ENJOY IT!!!

[LostMe]

Thanks secretlady, everything you say is true. I think I have well and truly been 'boxed away' by him and much as i would like to think we can eventually be friends, it's just an excuse to try and keep him in my life because I'm finding it hard to let him go.

 

Feeling a bit numb about it all now. So tired of thinking about it, hopefully this is a good sign!!