How to stop caring about what he is or isn't feeling??

[LostMe]

Well, i know i want my M. And i need to reconnect with my H. So I am working on spending as much time with him as possible, talking, listening, quality time where we DO stuff as a couple. Our main and only real problem is that we're too independent to the point of almost living separate lives sometimes. That's what made the A easy almost. Simple things like going to bed at the same time. It's making a difference. I feel like i'm falling for him again. When i'm with him I stop thinking about exMM so much. But when i'm on my own...but there's progress. I feel it. I just want to be over exMM now. I'm tired of hurting over a such pointless 'relationship' that could've cost me everything. I am also learning about me a lot and understanding how i got here so i never make the same mistake again.

[Just a stone's throw]

Again, I could have written your post! Quite interesting human behavior if you think about it. And warning signs for those in M that see this happening. I'm gone most of the week out of town. That makes it hard to keep my focus. LS helps - I think....

[sarkandlauren]

Again' date=' I could have written your post! Quite interesting human behavior if you think about it. And warning signs for those in M that see this happening. I'm gone most of the week out of town. That makes it hard to keep my focus. LS helps - I think....[/quote']

 

Sadly, I could've written it as well. Seriously, anyone in M and think that the highs of having an A, or even an emotional one, it's not worth it.

 

It causes a huge hit on my self esteem, he's never around, and the thought about me wasting my time/energy on him rather than focusing on someone actually love me and cherish me makes me sick, but I admit, i have no self control. When things are well with AP, it's rainbows and stars, but usually, I'm just sitting here staring at the damn phone wondering why he's not calling or texting. Hate myself for that. Why did i let myself fall for him?

[Just a stone's throw]

Sadly, I could've written it as well. Seriously, anyone in M and think that the highs of having an A, or even an emotional one, it's not worth it.

 

It causes a huge hit on my self esteem, he's never around, and the thought about me wasting my time/energy on him rather than focusing on someone actually love me and cherish me makes me sick, but I admit, i have no self control. When things are well with AP, it's rainbows and stars, but usually, I'm just sitting here staring at the damn phone wondering why he's not calling or texting. Hate myself for that. Why did i let myself fall for him?

 

 

unfortunately, I don't have any tricks to break that cycle. I wish I did. I totally know the staring at the Blackberry gig!! It's so counter productive to a smart woman.

[PlanetJanet]

It is very hurtful and painful to find out that someone who you love/loved can just pull the plug, throw us away like yesterday's garbage, turn around and live a full and happy life. ...it is difficult for me to grasp the idea that our relationship means absolutely nothing to him.

 

I hear you. My former MM drives me nuts because he seems to have just put me aside and is moving forward with a happy and hopeful life. New job, working on things with the W, hobbies, happy as a clam. I am still sitting here an emotional wreck as I try to untangle the mess that he stirred up in me. I loved him so much.

 

I cannot tell you how many hours I have spent asking myself WHY doesn't he suffer like I do, HOW can he just drop me like a sack of potatoes and walk way like nothing happened, WHERE is all that love he showed me?

 

I was able to ask my MM all of these questions. He told me over and over that I mattered and still do. But he has chosen to go in another direction. And he is guilty and he is sorry. He said that all the feelings and love and longing are still in there, but he has put them on a shelf. He chooses not to dwell on the pain he feels. He chooses to look at what is in front of him and not think about what he cannot have. (has chosen not to have).

 

After reading all the helpful posts here I can see that so much of this quest for answers is tied up in ego. My ego needs to believe that I mattered to him. Needs to think that he is pining away for me somewhere, that he misses me in quiet moments. What purpose does all of that even serve? The fact remains that I took the crazy risk of getting involved with someone unavailable. And there is a payment to be made now.

 

And also why do you assume that the other person is so happy? Just because they broke it off with you does not mean their "old" life is ideal. Some people go back from obligation or guilt, or finances, or a host of unhealthy reasons. If that person was unhappy enough to pursue an A, unless they fixed the root problem that led to them straying, who says they are any happier now?

[Just a stone's throw]

Janet, your post was to me, timely and very thought provoking. It's where I'm at today and I need to move past it. This is the exact convo I'm currently having with exMM and his words almost exactly. I'm sure he will never admit that he's moved on and is "not happy but accepting it" but I think it's a pretty good possibility as I truly doubt he had intentions of repairing his marriage. It might be good for awhile but what was missing for him will slowly creep back up. Thanks for helping me to get my head around this.

[LostMe]

Yeah, I'm feeling this today. I just need to snap out of it. Progress feels so slow. I've gone from not thinking about him for minutes to not thinking about him for hours. I expected it to be days/weeks by now.

 

Glad to hear your xMM is being responsive Stonesthrow and giving you some answers. Do you feel that it's helping you gain a less painful perspective? You and I are totally in the same boat. And I'm getting seasick!! hugs.

[Just a stone's throw]

Hi Lost, he responded last evening and initially it felt like a kick in the gut when I read "I've moved on and it was not going to work between us". I know that and I've moved on too. Its just hard to read. Harder to accept that he can say it so freely. That he did respond was important to me. I haven't replied back yet. His email reponse led me to believe he thought I was trying to reconnect vs bring closure. I haven't yet decided if or how I'll respond. I imagine I will respond because 1 he took the time to do so and 2 we will need to be social when I run into him which will very likely happen. He says that's not a problem for him but I know it will be for me unless I get a couple more things answered from him. Its the whole ego thing still.

[LostMe]

Hi Lost' date=' he responded last evening and initially it felt like a kick in the gut when I read "I've moved on and it was not going to work between us". I know that and I've moved on too. Its just hard to read. Harder to accept that he can say it so freely. That he did respond was important to me. I haven't replied back yet. His email reponse led me to believe he thought I was trying to reconnect vs bring closure. I haven't yet decided if or how I'll respond. I imagine I will respond because 1 he took the time to do so and 2 we will need to be social when I run into him which will very likely happen. He says that's not a problem for him but I know it will be for me unless I get a couple more things answered from him. Its the whole ego thing still.[/quote']

 

I would feel exactly the same and the fear of getting that same response is what stops me trying to get any more emotion or answers out of xMM. It's done now for him, there's nothing more to say. I too will have to see him in social situations but I am trying not to think about that now, i'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

 

If I was you I'd try and respond without any emotion or ego. Turn the tables, make him wonder how you can be so happy to move on. Remind him of the fabulous person he fell for in the first place, not someone that's hurt and needy for him. Take your control back, it's the loss of that that's getting to you (and me). Good luck, pls keep me posted

Edited April 19, 2010 by LostMe

[ladydesigner]

I cannot tell you how many hours I have spent asking myself WHY doesn't he suffer like I do, HOW can he just drop me like a sack of potatoes and walk way like nothing happened, WHERE is all that love he showed me?

 

I was able to ask my MM all of these questions. He told me over and over that I mattered and still do. But he has chosen to go in another direction. And he is guilty and he is sorry. He said that all the feelings and love and longing are still in there, but he has put them on a shelf. He chooses not to dwell on the pain he feels. He chooses to look at what is in front of him and not think about what he cannot have. (has chosen not to have).

 

Thank you for sharing this PlanetJanet. I believe this is the way my XOM felt. I cannot wrap my head around it any other way. A person just does not go from 100% to 0% in a day as mine did.

 

Thank you so much for this insight. I feel I can put my thoughts to rest now.

[ladydesigner]

Hi Lost' date=' he responded last evening and initially it felt like a kick in the gut when I read "I've moved on and it was not going to work between us". I know that and I've moved on too. Its just hard to read. Harder to accept that he can say it so freely. That he did respond was important to me. I haven't replied back yet. His email reponse led me to believe he thought I was trying to reconnect vs bring closure. I haven't yet decided if or how I'll respond. I imagine I will respond because 1 he took the time to do so and 2 we will need to be social when I run into him which will very likely happen. He says that's not a problem for him but I know it will be for me unless I get a couple more things answered from him. Its the whole ego thing still.[/quote']

 

I remember when I received my closure email from XOM. God they hurt don't they? I remember the seething pain upon reading his words "Did you honestly think it (us) was going to work?" I clearly remember answering the question immediately in my mind as an honest "no" but the fact that these words came from him and seemed to come so easily from him. That's what hurt.

 

I so understand where you are at Stone's Throw. I believe these words kill the hope and in my case am thankful for nowadays because a life with my XOM would not have been ideal.

[Just a stone's throw]

Lady D. Honestly it's the first time that I truly thought about not replying to one of his emails and that part felt good. Up until now, I always have to have the last word and respond quickly and I just sat back and thought do I even want to answer? I have gone back and forth in my mind as to what I would say but also I have thought less about him today than usual which I think is a good sign that this has brought some closure in a good way.

 

I, like you, would have had to answer to myself "well no I didn't think it would work" but I thought that maybe we could both fool each other a little while longer???? Would that have been such a bad thing? Why did you get to say you're done? Who died and made you king?? I want to call the shots (total ego) but truth was I couldn't, didn't have the guts.

 

Ah well. The sex was so damn good though. I wish it hadn't been. This would have been over a long time ago. Maybe right away.

[ladydesigner]

I know. It was a big ego thing with me as well, couldn't believe I got dumped lol! I am so glad the sex wasn't good or my obsession with my XOM would have made me a bunny boiler:laugh:

 

I had a really great emotional connection with my XOM and he was a great kisser, that is the part I miss the most. I rarely kiss my H as it is not that enjoyable for me. It's funny you don't get everything. My H is a great lover, in fact the first time my XAP and I had sex it was hugely disappointing. I immediately thought what the hell am I doing?!?!

 

I guess what I miss is the ego boost plain and simple...so sad.

[Just a stone's throw]

So to update - we had our email "closure" exchange yesterday. It was typical exMM style, overly simplfied (his life is a series of boxes that he can open and close and put up on a shelf at any given time....). I admitted to him that I had a bigger ego than he and that's why I was bugged by all of this. I wanted the control. Also got him to admit (in a round about way) that I was just a piece of a$$ to him that when no longer available became not worth the guilt and risk. I of course know that deep down that is not what he believes but that's what helps him to sleep at night so thought I would help him to say it. He said he was protecting all those that "we" love from the inevitable disaster that was likely to occur if we continued.

 

I told him that things are very good with my H and thanked him for encouraging me sexually to do the things we did together for my H. He honestly seemed pleased that my M had improved. Strange? I dunno but wanted him to know that I had moved on too and am not looking to reconnect with him.

 

He hopes that I am able to see him in our "social gatherings" without being bugged and I said after the first time, that will not likely be a problem. We even joked a little with each other which was nice since we haven't done that in a long time.

 

So I guess I feel better? I still have yet to run into him face-to-face and I hope it happens when I'm feeling really strong and am with my H. I think that would be the best. Will let you all know.

 

We chatted a little about learnings from this and gaining happiness which was interesting. I told him I doubted he learned anything but was interested to hear it if and when he cared to share. He said maybe someday.

 

So that's my story, LS'ers. Today's a new day and I'm movin' on, closing up this box and putting it on the shelf. Maybe that's a good learning? Lot's to do, busy, busy and need to get a workout in! Good day to y'all! JAST

[LostMe]

So to update - we had our email "closure" exchange yesterday. It was typical exMM style, overly simplfied (his life is a series of boxes that he can open and close and put up on a shelf at any given time....). I admitted to him that I had a bigger ego than he and that's why I was bugged by all of this. I wanted the control. Also got him to admit (in a round about way) that I was just a piece of a$$ to him that when no longer available became not worth the guilt and risk. I of course know that deep down that is not what he believes but that's what helps him to sleep at night so thought I would help him to say it. He said he was protecting all those that "we" love from the inevitable disaster that was likely to occur if we continued.

 

I told him that things are very good with my H and thanked him for encouraging me sexually to do the things we did together for my H. He honestly seemed pleased that my M had improved. Strange? I dunno but wanted him to know that I had moved on too and am not looking to reconnect with him.

 

He hopes that I am able to see him in our "social gatherings" without being bugged and I said after the first time, that will not likely be a problem. We even joked a little with each other which was nice since we haven't done that in a long time.

 

So I guess I feel better? I still have yet to run into him face-to-face and I hope it happens when I'm feeling really strong and am with my H. I think that would be the best. Will let you all know.

 

We chatted a little about learnings from this and gaining happiness which was interesting. I told him I doubted he learned anything but was interested to hear it if and when he cared to share. He said maybe someday.

 

So that's my story, LS'ers. Today's a new day and I'm movin' on, closing up this box and putting it on the shelf. Maybe that's a good learning? Lot's to do, busy, busy and need to get a workout in! Good day to y'all! JAST

 

Hey JAST! This is great news! So glad you've had the closure you needed to help you move on and shut that box. Sounds like you had a very mature and grown-up conversation with each other and now you can put it behind you with no hard feelings. I'm sure now that when/if you do bump into him you'll feel total indifference and a big fat WHAT EV. I'm very happy for you, have a great day! Lost

[Heather1]

He hopes that I am able to see him in our "social gatherings" without being bugged and I said after the first time, that will not likely be a problem. JAST

 

This is the line of crap I got too....only he was going to see me at work & asked if I could be normal. In my instant analysis of his request, I read that to mean, "The last bit of this I need to get away with so I don't feel like a total jerk is that you act normal please & then I will have completely got away with this A with absolutely no consequences & a few BJ's....Thanks!! You're the best!!"

 

Nope, nope, nope. I changed my schedule & dropped off the face of the earth. It's not like if I saw him I would freak out or anything...I was pissed he said that to me though, I haven't ever done one irrational thing so he doesn't need a disclaimer from me. Nope, hurt/game over, he won but if he doesn't want to see me then he never will.

[Heather1]

To me, the worst part of the rejection is feeling like I never mattered:(

 

maybe that's why I have to think xom's having a hard go of it too?? 3 years that don't matter? Ugh.

[ladydesigner]

To me, the worst part of the rejection is feeling like I never mattered:(

 

maybe that's why I have to think xom's having a hard go of it too?? 3 years that don't matter? Ugh.

 

Yep this is the biggest thing for me too the rejection. In fact in some respect I'm sure I never did matter. I was friends a lot longer than the A even lasted. Who does that to a friend. It's one thing to be honest but the whole ignoring and rejecting that is hurtful. I know what you mean:(

 

My last means of NC was removing him from my LinkedIn contacts. I do believe this got to him as he deleted his whole account altogether... not that it matters. Everything sucks about the situation. I miss him as a friend straight out, but I know I can't go back there again.

[Just a stone's throw]

Haven't deleted his last emails yet but think I'll read them one last time then close the box. I'm feeling a bit indifferent. Kind of numb, well not really. I think I'm feeling it and that it's just over. I think the good thing about me, and from what I can tell about you other ladies (LD, Heather, Lost, Halo) we're all pretty confident ladies and we don't need a man to define what we are and where we'll go in life. We made a slip up, thought we needed these men to help us to feel differently about ourselves. We do not. I do not. I'm okay with me. I made a choice to cheat. I learned a lot about myself in the process. I learned I'll never do it again but like Heather, I don't regret that it happened. It's a part of me and I can't change that. I can only choose to do the right thing next time. I hope this indifference is a close buddy for awhile. I don't mind it. It's a bit refreshing in an odd sort of way. Thanks all for your support!

[pureinheart]

I hear you. My former MM drives me nuts because he seems to have just put me aside and is moving forward with a happy and hopeful life. New job, working on things with the W, hobbies, happy as a clam. I am still sitting here an emotional wreck as I try to untangle the mess that he stirred up in me. I loved him so much.

 

I cannot tell you how many hours I have spent asking myself WHY doesn't he suffer like I do, HOW can he just drop me like a sack of potatoes and walk way like nothing happened, WHERE is all that love he showed me?

 

I was able to ask my MM all of these questions. He told me over and over that I mattered and still do. But he has chosen to go in another direction. And he is guilty and he is sorry. He said that all the feelings and love and longing are still in there, but he has put them on a shelf. He chooses not to dwell on the pain he feels. He chooses to look at what is in front of him and not think about what he cannot have. (has chosen not to have).

 

After reading all the helpful posts here I can see that so much of this quest for answers is tied up in ego. My ego needs to believe that I mattered to him. Needs to think that he is pining away for me somewhere, that he misses me in quiet moments. What purpose does all of that even serve? The fact remains that I took the crazy risk of getting involved with someone unavailable. And there is a payment to be made now.

 

And also why do you assume that the other person is so happy? Just because they broke it off with you does not mean their "old" life is ideal. Some people go back from obligation or guilt, or finances, or a host of unhealthy reasons. If that person was unhappy enough to pursue an A, unless they fixed the root problem that led to them straying, who says they are any happier now?

 

Your post broke my heart....JMO, I think your putting yourself down too much...could it be your heart that needs to know these things...you don't sound arrogant to me with a blown out of proportion ego, you sound hurt.

 

It's ok to be hurt...I'm hurt right now too (not about a guy, but my kids)...I feel ya...

[2sunny]

Haven't deleted his last emails yet but think I'll read them one last time then close the box. I'm feeling a bit indifferent. Kind of numb' date=' well not really. I think I'm feeling it and that it's just over. I think the good thing about me, and from what I can tell about you other ladies (LD, Heather, Lost, Halo) we're all pretty confident ladies and we don't need a man to define what we are and where we'll go in life. We made a slip up, thought we needed these men to help us to feel differently about ourselves. We do not. I do not. I'm okay with me. I made a choice to cheat. I learned a lot about myself in the process. I learned I'll never do it again but like Heather, I don't regret that it happened. It's a part of me and I can't change that. I can only choose to do the right thing next time. I hope this indifference is a close buddy for awhile. I don't mind it. It's a bit refreshing in an odd sort of way. Thanks all for your support![/quote']

 

this is good progress! i'm proud of your growth and willingness to take back your power over the MM.

 

now - taking it a step further would be to see him at a "social gathering" and carrying your indifference to that arena. then and only then will you feel at peace.

 

to "pretend" or to go along with his "little plan" to make his life easier like it never happened would be betraying your truth. it did happen, people's lives were affected by this. to go along like nothing ever happened is pretending, some call it continuing with the lie.

 

i guess you would need to determine what an appropriate response would be considering he participated in hurting others. indifference is a start. to not engage with him is good. a strong woman would be blatantly obvious in her disgust with him, mean, in fact. maybe somewhere in the middle is better. the ultimate goal is to become completely indifferent to whether he's there or not. it allows you to acknowledge the truth without the pretending involved. otherwise he's just asked you to continue with the cover up which sounds like the way it always was. that's not good enough if you are to heal and move forward.

[happygirl1234]

Wow-- just ran across this thread and it's the most powerful one I've read yet on LS. As some of you may know, I've posted a couple of things where I've admitted to major lust after a colleague at work. I've been pondering and pondering whether to make an overt move on him, though I did very briefly admit a crush to him several months ago (after having too many cocktails). Since then, he hasn't run away, but instead has ramped up our contact and we have been flirting pretty heavily.

 

But still.... I can't bring myself to initiate any more overt moves. I have been hesitating for all the reasons people keep talking about on LS: (1) it won't go anywhere (I wouldn't honestly want to be his W); (2) there are innocent children involved; (3) my H is a great guy whom I love, even if not in a major passionate way any longer; (4) why risk anyone at work finding out? etc etc.

 

So I read this thread and I think to myself: I can see this happening to me. I can see starting a PA, enjoying the great sex, and my MM/OM calling it quits before I have the guts to do so myself. Then I would be so hurt, not because I idealized the MM/OM and wanted to marry him, but because he was my friend, for goodness sakes, and I miss him. And then I would wonder whether it was just a piece of a** for him, or whether I really "meant" anything to him. And it would all be about EGO-- mine.

 

Thank you for making me realize that my crush is all about my own ego, and about trying to make me feel "wanted" again.

 

Thank you also for making me realize-- BEFORE anything happened-- what would happen if I gave into my egotistical desire to be wanted by him.

 

Man, I feel like I just dodged a major bullet......

 

LS is the best-- truly the best.

 

To all of you who HAVE gone through these feelings, I wish you the best. You are amazing women, otherwise these MM wouldn't have fallen for you. And yes, they did fall for you. So if they broke away from you, it's not because they didn't care, but because they just happened to come to their senses before you did, and this hurts your ego. Egos are dangerous things..... I'm going to try to distance myself from mine as fast as I can!

[Just a stone's throw]

 

I was able to ask my MM all of these questions. He told me over and over that I mattered and still do. But he has chosen to go in another direction. And he is guilty and he is sorry. He said that all the feelings and love and longing are still in there, but he has put them on a shelf. He chooses not to dwell on the pain he feels. He chooses to look at what is in front of him and not think about what he cannot have. (has chosen not to have).

 

 

LOL!! Janet, I think we have the same exMM! The "Another Direction" and the "Feelings on the Shelf" we're all things he said to me a couple days ago in our exit emails. Very interesting, did they read a book somewhere on how to make your exAP feel completely minimized??

 

LOL!

[Just a stone's throw]

happygirl, you're back! Was wondering what your status was. Good to hear you're hanging in there. You prompted me to go back and re-read this thread and glad I did. I for one made great progress just from the beginning of the month and I'm happy about that, thanks to all the support, encouragement and wisdom here from my friends on LS!

 

But you need to stay strong and keep to your words about staying clear of the situation if that's what you feel is the right thing to do. You are wise to see and pay attention to the future here of what most likely will happen if you make that one little choice to go that "extra distance" with MM.

 

I'm starting to think that some of us just don't know how to properly use fantasy play in their minds and feel we have to act out what we're thinking instead? Just a thought. Had I just kept my crush as a fantasy in my mind and pulled it out when I needed it, I'd be so much better off today (at least I wouldn't have the designation of a cheater to deal with). Again, just my early morning thinking. Perhaps I need coffee!

 

Good luck HG1234!

[happygirl1234]

happygirl, you're back! Was wondering what your status was. Good to hear you're hanging in there. You prompted me to go back and re-read this thread and glad I did. I for one made great progress just from the beginning of the month and I'm happy about that, thanks to all the support, encouragement and wisdom here from my friends on LS!

 

But you need to stay strong and keep to your words about staying clear of the situation if that's what you feel is the right thing to do. You are wise to see and pay attention to the future here of what most likely will happen if you make that one little choice to go that "extra distance" with MM.

 

I'm starting to think that some of us just don't know how to properly use fantasy play in their minds and feel we have to act out what we're thinking instead? Just a thought. Had I just kept my crush as a fantasy in my mind and pulled it out when I needed it, I'd be so much better off today (at least I wouldn't have the designation of a cheater to deal with). Again, just my early morning thinking. Perhaps I need coffee!

 

Good luck HG1234!

 

Thanks a million JAST!

 

You make a really interesting observation-- that some of us don't know how to properly use fantasy play and feel we have to act out on our fantasies.... It is weird, isn't it? It's like we're all becoming so self-absorbed and egotistical-- the product of reality TV, celebrity idolatry, the "me"generation and beyond--that there's some automatic assumption that if we WANT it, we should just DO it.

 

I know for me, this is how my thinking was going prior to reading this thread. Like I just assumed this was an irresistible itch that I needed to scratch.

 

But scratching that itch would most definitely not be about him. Yes, he's hot. And smart. And funny. And accomplished. But if I took it to the next level with him, it would be about trying to make ME feel "special" or "wanted" again. I've been married for over a decade and, though my H is a great guy who is always complimenting me, I realize now that my desire for the MM is about some deficiency in me, not all his assets. Frankly, my H has all those assets, too, and he had the decency to marry me, father our children, and still gives me compliments and cleans the toilets sometimes!

 

I was involved with a MM many years ago (well before I married my H). I was single then. And it's funny how I had convinced myself all those years ago that I LOVED him, that he was the BEST.

 

Now, in retrospect, I realize that I really did not love him at all. I could never, ever have been happily married to him. He was a rat. But he was charming and successful and he picked ME and I thought that this was a big compliment. Again, it was all about my ego.

 

Man, suddenly I realize that I need to work on my ego.

 

I thought I was this super confident, put-together babe. But I obviously have some insecurities that I still haven't quite figured out.

 

JAST, I, too, feel so lucky to have found LS. It's great to find a bunch of people who will just be honest, give it to you raw, judge you, not judge you, and generally give you simultaneously the tough love and support you need when the inevitable moments of weakness overwhelm us.