How to stop caring about what he is or isn't feeling??

[Passion4Life]

Thanks secretlady, everything you say is true. I think I have well and truly been 'boxed away' by him and much as i would like to think we can eventually be friends, it's just an excuse to try and keep him in my life because I'm finding it hard to let him go.

 

Feeling a bit numb about it all now. So tired of thinking about it, hopefully this is a good sign!!

 

well it looks like you have devoted your complete self to the MM & want to remain that way .

[LostMe]

Been busy today, not really thinking about him, and he caught me on FB chat and before I knew it we'd been chatting for an hour and a half about everything.

 

He says he misses me but hasn't known what to say without it seeming like he doesn't/didn't care. And he didn't want me to think that missing me meant he wanted to start it all up again. He said he's had to tread carefully to avoid upsetting me without meaning to. And that's what's made him distant. And he's been scared sh*tless by what we did and dealing with the guilt from that. Once he realised i wasn't going to go all psycho on him he started saying some really nice things about me, and what i mean/meant to him (and he said he knew I already knew all of this anyway). He said that in another life we'd be together. It was nice.

 

We ended on a light note and a kinda 'speak soon' but i think we both know we wont be in touch. It was too easy to slip back into how we were and we know where that path leads now. I feel ok, happy and sad. I guess maybe i did need closure. It's all got to sink in yet. I'm still taking it all in. Gulp.

[Just a stone's throw]

Been busy today, not really thinking about him, and he caught me on FB chat and before I knew it we'd been chatting for an hour and a half about everything.

 

He says he misses me but hasn't known what to say without it seeming like he doesn't/didn't care. And he didn't want me to think that missing me meant he wanted to start it all up again. He said he's had to tread carefully to avoid upsetting me without meaning to. And that's what's made him distant. And he's been scared sh*tless by what we did and dealing with the guilt from that. Once he realised i wasn't going to go all psycho on him he started saying some really nice things about me, and what i mean/meant to him (and he said he knew I already knew all of this anyway). He said that in another life we'd be together. It was nice.

 

We ended on a light note and a kinda 'speak soon' but i think we both know we wont be in touch. It was too easy to slip back into how we were and we know where that path leads now. I feel ok, happy and sad. I guess maybe i did need closure. It's all got to sink in yet. I'm still taking it all in. Gulp.

 

Yeah, Lost Me! I'm glad for you that this happened. I know you have mixed emotions about it and that's understandable. I think I felt the same way like "now I can move on". Of course, he didn't admit that I meant something to him but we did air some of the issues and I did feel better about going NC after if for nothing else than now you had my answer and knew I couldn't do anything about it so why dwell on it. It is what it is.

 

I hope tomorrow and next week and the next you continue to feel good about your time together, your experience and that you have a special place in someone's heart.

[LostMe]

Thanks JAST! Glad you're here. Yeah, i do feel like i can move on now. It's weird, i didn't think i needed closure - 'it is what it is' is exactly what he used to say and i understood that. I guess i wanted to know he's found it hard to move on as proof i meant something. And i have my answers now. And i get the feeling this meant more to me than him, could be a girl/boy thing? Or maybe he's further along in the process so less foggy.

 

Anyway, what i must NOT do i analyse it to death!!! I knew what i meant to him deep down and now he's confirmed it. Onwards!

[Just a stone's throw]

 

Anyway, what i must NOT do i analyse it to death!!! I knew what i meant to him deep down and now he's confirmed it. Onwards!

 

Absolutely and I think that was one of the good things that came from our "Closure email conversation" was the fact that I stopped over-analyzing everything to death. I just didn't feel the need to do it anymore. I felt like we had as honest of a conversation as possible and I wasn't going to find anything additional out. And.... I absolutely know that he meant more to me than I to him so what is the point. I don't need a martyred relationship or idea of one. it has very much helped my Marriage also. My husband has stated that he is in a very happy place and I have admitted to him that I am too. I don't think I would have quite gotten there without that closure.

 

Hugs!!

[LostMe]

Oh yeah definitely I Hope I won't feel the need to analyse/wonder what he feels anymore now, an honest conversation as we will ever have is what it was absolutely (sorry, got called away earlier!!). A lot of good things have come out of it too that will make my marriage stronger in a weird way. Things I needed to know about myself and what I need in a relationship. Hopefully now we are both free to focus on only that! some people learn the hard way!!

[MsRight]

Well, I am a little late to the party, but having discovered this thread and just felt like I was finally with people that understood me....I feel like I just have to post.

 

My story is the same, yet different. Always, right? My OM and I had a brief relationship in college, but he ended it before we got too serious. I wasn't head over heels for him, so I wasn't too sad then, but whenever I thought of him, I always was a little sad it never turned into anything.

 

Well, we got back in contact a couple years ago. And eventually it ramped up and you know the rest. We struggled a lot with it at first, but also admitted immediately to each other that we wanted to find out "what if". Probably the clincher for me was that he admitted he regretted ending it back then and had been thinking of me many times all these years.

 

As it was starting, I was telling myself that I was going to get hurt and it was wrong and yadda yadda yadda, but I couldn't not do it. It was a real slippery slope too. So, reading happygirl1234's posts - I just hope you are stronger than me, because even though I knew it would almost for sure end in disaster and pain, I couldn't not do it.

 

We had a great year. Of course, it was heady and romantic, like an A will always be, but also like, for instance, it was with my husband and other serious boyfriends at the beginning. You know, the in-love, infatuation stage. So we were progressing through that bonding, exciting stage to the deeper stage, and he ended it. I was devastated, and still am, and it's been almost 6 months. I feel a little worried because you ladies all seem much farther along in much less time! I think about him constantly, still cry more days than not, and just lament the loss of our conversations, our sex and our companionship. I kind of feel like, what kind of life is it if I have to resign myself to not having that with him? Months and months of IC have not helped me with this (at least as much as I'd like).

 

As for our respective Ms...well, mine is ok. I was definitely having some existential angst before OM came back into my life, so it was easy to fall in love with him and out of love with my H. But, we have been together for about 15 years now and we are perfect for each other in so many ways. Through IC and MC I've realized how great he is, but I of course don't feel the giddy way I did about the OM. I of course can't talk to him the way the OM and I talked for hours - because I already know everything about him! He's just not as exciting anymore. So I know it's apples and oranges to compare them and I should be so grateful that I found my H and that we can make it work. He never found out, but even if we did I think we would make it through that, just with a lot more added pain.

 

As for xMM....here's where you stop empathizing with me. I outed him. In fact, I sent her a package with copies of emails, pictures and cards he had given me. Yes, I am a hypocrite. I am terrible. And I'm still glad I did it. There are several reasons why. Obviously because I was hurt. But, actually, I had had many fantasies of her finding out when we were in the midst of it too. I wanted her to know and to leave him....not that I intended to leave my husband, but I wanted him to get a wake up call. See, he always told me how perfect his marriage was. At the beginning, I was like, hey if your marriage was so perfect you wouldn't be here with me! But he just stuck to his story. He loves his W but couldn't resist me. I guess he's just a cake-eater. I finally gave up on trying to find out what was wrong with their relationship, but was always jealous and annoyed when he would talk about her so positively. Anyway, I guess part of it was definitely revenge (yes, let's say it altogether - I am a hypocrite, I am mean, I am a broken and shallow person....I'm trying to figure this all out in IC....it's tough), like, "how's your perfect marriage now?" and part was because I wanted him and her to hurt as much as I did....I didn't want to be alone in the pain. Finally, a really big part of it (especially at the time) was that I knew I couldn't just be friends with him and keep in contact. He wanted to, and I knew it would destroy me and I would be calling him all the time and trying to convince him to come back. I couldn't take that degradation of myself....but I knew I wouldn't be able to stop it....so I did something drastic that I knew would ensure we wouldn't talk again, to make it less embarrassing and painful for me. How's that working out? Well, it's still really painful....I can only hope that I was right that the other way would have been much worse.

 

So how is their M? No idea, since we have been NC (for obvious reasons) since the instant she received my package. Well, a bit of an idea. We still have mutual friends (that know nothing about our involvement) so I know they are still together. The friends (who are not really close to either of us) don't seem to be aware of any changes in their relationship or anything.

 

So, I guess I am getting what I deserve. They are still having their perfect marriage and riding off into the sunset together, while I am struggling to appreciate my own and turning into a bitter and sad person. I wonder all the time what he thinks when and if he thinks about me. Before NC started, he said similar things to me that another xMM on this thread did. That he loved me and it felt terrible and he missed me.

 

Maybe it's taking me longer to stop thinking of him because I was so horrible to him? A little karmic retribution? I don't know, and I am losing patience. All I think about is how great a person he is and how I want to surround myself with people that are funny, happy, smart, etc like he was and how sad it is that I can't. He added so much to my life, and now there's a big empty hole.

 

I sometimes fantasize about another chance for us. I know I shouldn't, but it's those times that I actually feel able to cope with life. I also have thought about, but don't want to, demonize him in my mind. I mean, I really don't want to idealize him either (which I am probably doing) and stop myself from realizing how lucky I am to have my H, but I also just can't think terrible things about xMM just to make myself angry and get over it faster. He really is a great person, and it doesn't fair for me to do that (yeah, now I'm getting all "it wouldn't be fair to him"...I'm so ridiculous!). I guess most of all it feels false to do that. To try to convince myself he is terrible just to help me get over him. He's not...if we had both been single, we would have had a great relationship. As good or as long as my marriage to my H? Who knows, I'll never know. Probably not. But it also wouldn't have been a fleeting thing. The best I can do is tell myself that xMM is not really good with money, I think (and my H and I are very, very frugal, careful financially) and I think he is sort of messy at home (again, my H and I are really strict about clean bathrooms and kitchen)...but that isn't quite enough to make me get over him

 

So I've given it time and will obviously give it more...but I'm starting to be skeptical that I will ever get over him, that it will ever get better. And that I will ever solve my own issues, for which I go to IC up to twice a week! I feel really hopeless. And just wanted to be able to share with people that could empathize with (part of) my story.

 

I miss him.

[Just a stone's throw]

MsRight - Welcome to LS. I would first suggest that you copy and paste (then edit a bit) this post and start your own thread on this OM/OW Forum. It will give you the most benefit to allow others who will come along (and they will from both sides of the camp) and discuss your situation with you. While your situation has a lot of similarities to that of LostMe you do get into some different issues when you discuss what you did to "out" your exMM. I would have some questions for you regarding your own M and what you're doing about that.

 

But again, my suggestion to get the most bang for your buck on LS is to start a new thread and let's discuss this. Again, welcome to LS, we're glad you're here. I am confident you will find some help here if you're open and willing.

 

JAST

[MsRight]

Thanks, JAST. I will do so. It's a little scary, but I am sure I need it...