All is fair in Love and Warcraft! - Is it? <long post>

[Deadcan]

I am new here and quite excited to have stumbled upon the forums a few weeks ago. It really is helpful to read the thoughts and experiences of those in similar situations.

 

It motivated to want to share mine and solicit some thoughts and feedback from the community and I apologize in advance if it's a bit long it's almost 5 years of on and off LDR experiences with the same woman.

 

Currently she is in Arizona, and I am in Chicago tied to my job at the moment.

 

We met on Myspace 5 years ago, she had the kind of myspace profile that I was always subconsciously clicking on every time I saw her profile on my friends friend list.

 

I would always smile out of the 100's of listing how I was always drawn to clicking on her without even realizing it was the same girl over and over again.

 

Those first month of flirting with her and getting to know here were some of the most amazing weeks I have ever had in my life. It wasn't long before everything we both did involved spending time together however we could. Watching movies online, writing hand written letters, emails, im's spending hours talking and sleeping on the phone night after night together.

 

We were each others most wonderful obsessions and in spite of me being in my 30's and her in her younger 20's we enjoyed so many of the same things it felt like we had grown up together.

 

Many months of online dating and I felt I had known this woman my entire life. We had shared so many secrets and hours together it felt just so wrong that I had yet to actually meet this person in real life.

 

Finally we met and after a few awkward minutes of not knowing just what to do with our bodies, our hands, our feet, in each others presence, the calm and and serenity that love when it is behaving can only grant took over and finally the realities of standing in each others presence felt as natural as drawing in breath. Like hand in glove it we were a perfect fit.

 

We began trading visits back and forth between Arizona and Chicago. As you all know how absence of your love can make your heart grow fonder our visits were always whirlwinds of passion and and pure enjoyment of each others company.

 

It wasn't long before she moved up to Chicago to live with me and it was such a dream come true. Finally I was going to be able to share so much more with my girl and it all just seemed to perfect.

 

One of my hobbies I was so anxious to share with her was my love for an online game called World of Warcraft or WoW as many of you have heard it referred to. She was awkward in the game at first, but it seemed like such a wonderful time for us to share sitting next to each over chatting and playing our game, doing quests together, exploring new places. It was perfect. At first...

 

She enjoyed her new online gaming hobby. We joined guilds and learned new things together in game. We both had jobs, but I was working a pretty set M-F 9 to 5 schedule and she was working part time and often had more time to play. Her schedule also allowed her to play later at nights through the week than I could but we still enjoyed grouping up in game when I could.

 

So as the months go, as people often do, they start to fall into a routine, they start to take for granted all those wonderful little things they once cherished in their lives.

 

We drifted apart a little. I stopped doing the little things like buying her flowers, chocolates or even just getting us out of the house for a night on the town like we used to do.

 

She progressed in the game way beyond I was able to because of my limited play time. She started making friends and learning in game things I seemed incapable of grasping. She was slowly building up a nice arsenal of friends and companions in game. All of them mostly male but some female as well. I had no worries.

 

It wasn't long that she was running her own guild in game (group of friends who play together) and had quite a loyal following. I was proud of her, but I was starting to feel resentment creep up into my heart. As time moved on she would begin texting some of the guild members, which made sense to me as an efficient way to schedule and keep in touch with people and assist with our busy in game schedule.

 

She had a lot of friends in game that were men. I started getting a little jealous and this is the part were I have to admit I made a lot of bad decisions. On nights when I had to go to bed because the train to work came early, she would sit up and play WoW with these friends into the wee hours of the next morning. This also meant her in game character was progressing way beyond the abilities of mine and assured there was less and less that I could do in game with her as the gap grew.

 

All the while the more and more I was growing resentful and jealous the more I started to flirt with girls and try to meet real life girls in game that I could have as friends and do things with.

 

My heart was never wandering or even hosting the remotest thought of leaving but I was sure if she had to experience how I felt when it came to her male friends she would see my point and it would bring us closer together.

 

All I can say is every time I tried it it backfired. One girl I met in game worked for a hotel chain and after chatting with her in game she told me about some special event tickets she could get for some friends of mine who were going to las vegas. I sent her one or two at the most texts inquiring about this for my friends. A few days later she looked at my phone end deduced based on the area code that I had texted a girl from in the game and the very next week she packed up and moved back home furious at me.

 

For the story I have to add that she has moved in and moved out with me about four or 5 times since we have been together. Besides the two times I am going to mention the other times were not over situations like this or "break up" situations but for other reasons like financial or family.

 

After some work between the two of us and hanging on to our good times and me trying to explain why I had acted the way I did she eventually moved back in with me and it was good but quickly the routine had turned flat again.

 

I began looking at the phone bill and started to see just how much she was texting one individual from WoW and it was very shocking to me. Now, her and I text a lot, we always have, but here I was looking at the fact that she texts him more than she texts me!

 

Not only were they texting but now they were talking on the phone. Naturally I brought this up and she didn't spend a lot of timing talking about it but assured me they are just friends there is nothing to worry about, she doesn't have any friends around and so I tried to brush it off thinking she really needed some friends. For the most part she has never really given me any reason to think she was romantically involved with anyone so I was able to quell my feelings for awhile.

 

So we had our routine, most nights after work we would run "raids" in the game which require 10 or 25 people depending on the objective and we really enjoyed the strategy and the company of our online friends. But as the game progressed I was falling behind because I had less time to commit with my real world obligations and soon I was no longer in her league to be included in most of the game nights she conducted with her friends. I found myself coming home more nights sitting next to her watching her play her game without me and with her guy friends in game.

 

I also noted in particular the one guy she was texting so much acting peculiar in game.

Almost creepy how he was always where she was, how he was always following her around in game to different places. How whenever I would find the two of them they would be in a group together doing just "nothing" he would give her in game gifts, he would even start sending her things in real life. Mailing her presents, cookies, computer parts a number of things. But I can see how friends do that. She assured me from time to time that I was being silly and getting to emo over stupid things but it wasn't helping me.

 

So over the last few months, once again (i don't learn) I met a person in game who also happened to be a woman and ironically enough she was a woman my age with a boyfriend younger than her and very much the same (but opposite) situation I was in. Feeling like our SO's were putting game and in game friends before it.

 

We had a lot in common. My girlfriend knew of her and despised her. So many nights when I had no one in game to hang out with I would hang out with this new friend I had. At first I felt like hiding it from my girl because she often over reacts. This was a bad idea. No matter how hard you try to hide something like that your SO will find out and because you were hiding it (even with the best intentions of not trying to stir them up needlessly) it will look even WORSE! No amount of logic could assure her it was because you were trying to avoid an over reaction.

 

She would send in game messages to my friend to leave me alone and some other unflattering comments as well as tell her boy friend in the game that his girlfriend was cheating on him with me. Tensions were getting tough between the two of us yet she kept playing warcraft, with this guy in game, sending texts and calling him.

 

One day I had the day off from work. My girlfriend left for work early that morning and I saw my friend online and we chatted a bit, talked about movies... She wanted to see one I had recommended so we decided that she could watch it off netflix and I would watch it to so we could chat about it. In our conversation of the movie (that I didn't watch in its entirety) we commented on some of the more racy aspects of the movie that we both found humorous (it was Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind).

 

Long and short is this... She came home, I was in the shower, she started looking through my computer and found the chats logs and went BALLISTIC!

 

There was some deeper part of me that without thinking to much about it was lashing out and craving attention from a woman because I wanted her to feel how I felt. Thinking she would get jealous and draw closer to me perhaps take me less for granted.

 

It didn't work. A painful and difficult week later of barely talking she moved out.

 

The day she left, I begged her to stay and work on our problems. We both shed a few tears and talked briefly about all the good times we had together. And before she climbed in her car and drove away from me, she agreed that we could stay together and try to work on us. We also agreed it was good for her to go home, finish up school and get back on track financially.

 

It was a small start, but I hadn't lost her completely. I understood how betrayed she felt, how upset she was that I had interacted with another woman outside of the game. But I was still struggling to figure out why it was wrong for me and not for her.

 

Since her departure I have awoken to the reminder of how absolutely in love with this woman I am, and aware of the fact that I also let us slip into the routine of everyday life, taking for granted all of the wonderful things we had in the beginning.

 

I have since NOT interacted with anyone outside of the game and gently shut off the few contacts I had. My heart burns to have what we had back and I have had a renewed sense of us and dedication to making us work.

 

Before she left, I said and did some not very pleasant things to the people in her online guild that I was no longer apart of. They all hate me and to this day in game she pretends not to know me or even admit we are back together.

 

I wanted so badly that part of us back, the part of us that shares our time in game together. In moderation its a great aid for people in LDR's. I bought her internet access, I continue to pay for her game time.... I pay for her mobile phone. I do everything I can to make sure she still has access to her Warcraft. I had hopes that I could enjoy the game with her again while we work out our long term plans. But it's just as bad as ever.

 

Most nights she is in the game with this guy who OBSESSES over her. I went so far as to spend money to change my in game character with a new name and a new look hoping if no one knew who I was she would spend more time with me. But her guild always comes first. If it's a raid night I have to accept the fact that I will play alone (my daughter plays so it's still a bonding experience for me and enjoyable mostly).

 

She says she loves me, she calls me and she has made some effort to ease my jealousy. For instance she doesn't call this guy very often anymore. But I still struggle with the fact that she trades thousands of text messages with him. When I try to ask her what they talk about she is vague and says things like "stuff" and "Warcraft things".

 

My obsession has gotten worse. Every morning I analyze the phone logs, I download all the sent and received texts with time stamps into a spreadsheet and I compare how much she texts him compared to me. I see she texts him all through the night when I am sleeping. I see days and times where she only texts me but its not ever more than him.

 

I see on days when she says she will text me she gets off work, she doesn't she texts him first and only texts me hours later as I sit waiting eagerly for her reply. I can see there are times I text her waiting for a reply and see she ignores my text to reply to him.

 

Ugh, I am going mad. When I am in game she is almost ALWAYS with him. Once, when I was online and we were starting to actually make some progress I was grouped with her. I see HIM log on and a few minutes later she says be right back, drops out of the group with me... and wouldn't ya know it.... She left to group with him... I waited like 30 minutes and ask her about it and she replies "I said i would be right back..."

 

I have returned to my old romantic ways. I email her, text her, I send her cards and letters in the post 3 or 4 days a week. Ive sent her boxes with treats and romantic presents. I send her roses. Once I sent her roses as a surprise and I tracked their delivery via fed ex and knew they had been delivered... I was anxious to get a text or call thanking me or saying just that she got them.... I knew she had been home a while... I didn't want to ask about it.

 

So to kill time I log into the game and there she is, with him.... running a raid with her guild not a word from her.

 

I am just at a loss here.

 

I am not mad that she texts this guy as much as I am confused and upset about what it is he has that has her so much more caught up that she will consistently chose him and her guild over me?

 

She has never been one to really open up and discuss things and I have tried and tried to talk to her about it and she ALWAYS goes on the defensive and will say something like "Well if you really wanted me to stay you shouldn't have done this <insert some past transgression". I need us to look ahead and stop living in the past.

 

I need to figure out if perhaps she is punishing me for making her feel bad? I want to know what it is about this guy even if he is just her best friend that draws her to him. I'm a firm believer that your SO should be your best friend as well.

 

I'm not controlling, I want her to have her friends and her hobbies I want her to go and do things and be happy. But if you really love someone, and you tell them you love them... Wouldn't you naturally want to spend time with them? Wouldn't your love compel you and motivate you assure them of your love as well?

 

When I to just open this up and express to her how I feel she quickly will shutdown say goodnight and turn off her phone.

 

I feel more like a woman in this relationship. I want to talk about feelings and plans and goals. I want to be told I love you and not have to remind my SO to do little things like drop me a txt saying "Im thinking about you!" or "I miss you" or "hey got the flowers!"

 

When I send a text that says "Good Night. I love you." I want more than "Ok. Night".

 

Funny what I am about to say, but I wish I had a SO that was clingy and a little more needy.

 

I am seeing her in two weeks, and she appears very excited about my visit. I am really hoping I can get her to open more and come to some better understanding of how I feel. I admit, I can get a little gloomy or EMO.

 

But I try to tell her its so simple to solve this problem with just a few re-assurances from time to time I would be happy as a clam.

 

So am I wrong to be jealous that she has a man in her life she communicates with and spends more time with at the expense of spending time with me?

 

 

 

<if you read this whole post my sincere thanks for indulging my diatribe>

[aerogurl87]

This is why I hate online gaming communities and the people who become addicted to them. I was in a similar situation a little over half a year ago. Except my ex and I met on Second Life. Everything was good when I had time to play on there all the time, but when I went home for the summer and started hanging out with my friends in the real world and working again, I had less time for the game. Then my ex got mad and started hanging out with this random woman behind my back. He claimed nothing was going on, but about 2 weeks after I found out about her he dumped me and planned to move in with this woman whom he had never met in real life (funny huh?) Granted she left him about a week and a half later, but Second Life helped to destroy our relationship. After that fiasco I took the advice of a friend I'd met in game, he told me that SL is good for starting relationships, but if you find someone worth keeping, keep them, yourself, and your relationship away from it because more than likely it will also rip you two apart.

[Els]

Games, especially when you reach the higher tiers of them, are very bad environments for relationships to thrive in. Believe you me, I have been through a lot of them, and they are NOT an activity that can accommodate a relationship well - they're not like movies that you can just bring your SO to, and have a fun evening watching. If you both play them casually it can work, otherwise it will just screw you over.

 

As you have noticed, WoW is very stage-based - you'd better be on the same 'stage' as your partner, or else you aren't going to be spending much time together ingame at all. This refers both to raiding and questing. It is simply the way the game was structured, and it was NOT structured with the purpose of helping a romantic relationship flourish.

 

The simplest solution would be to find something else to do together (like errr yahoo games??), although that's really easier said than done, especially if one party has a lot invested in it (friends, commitment, etc). How many nights a week does she spend raiding (sorry if I missed that part)?

 

As for the guy, well, there always will be guys like that in computer games. I wouldn't be too worried about what he does for her, but rather how she responds.

[Sivok]

For what it's worth, I met my gf on WoW and she had a guy friend similar to what you explained. I knew he was interested in her, absolutely was confident in it, and I did trust her, but didn't trust him.

 

Finally, she told me he just hit on her and I went ballistic. Told her to not talk to him again etc. She agreed not to but hey, lo and behold a month later she acts like we never made that agreement and makes constant arguments about it. When we met up last week I found she had a private vent with him and she told me she has his number too. We also agreed not to really keep in touch with exes, but she got back in touch with one recently, friended him on facebook, and when I messaged her online she just said 'not much just waiting for you to get mad'. This E **** is terrible. The game got us together but is now ripping us apart. This bitterness is causing me to reach a breaking point and I'm on the very verge of ending it.

 

There's just so much disrespect and like you, Deadcan, I compromise so much financially and for her to break relationship promises we made just seems like she's taking everything I did for granted and is severely disrespectful of me

Edited April 2, 2010 by Sivok

[northstar1]

The only way this is going to work is for both of you get the heck off this game. It's created a very unhealthy environment.

 

I know it's a hobby, but clearly it's causing big issues of jealousy, mistrust etc.

[SarahRose]

Leave the game as obviously it is ruining your lives.

 

I find it interesting that not once did you mention talking to her about any of the issues you were having with her but instead did sneaky things behind her back.

 

Get some counseling and learn some communication skills so you can discuss things with her.

[dazzle22]

Even though most of this is going on online, it still has all the earmarks of putting a SO several rungs down on a list of priorities. Has she ever even met that guy in real life?

 

Yes, you did a couple of things, but she is really being disrespectful of you and your relationship. Also, I think the virtual world is starting to be a vortex sucking both of you out of living your lives in the real world.

 

You feel like you are becoming more female in the relationship, and that can happen if the woman is a very dominant personality. I can tell you though, you have to alpha up on this, because we women in our hearts aren't as attracted to beta behavior. It's just in our millenia of evolution I guess.

 

In order to save this relationship, there is a lot of backtracking and communicating that would need to be done. She is really in a place where she doesn't respect you or the relationship much, and digging out of that is going to be tough.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Your relationship will not survive with outside "friends" or WOW. Period.

[ingridh]

My ex dumped me for a much younger girl he met on WoW. All I see is, that is just about the only thing they have in common. Unbeknownst to me, they were playing together for hours everyday and fell in love before even meeting each other in person. They are now engaged and inseparable. I hate that game.

 

(Friends later told me that many people found their 'soul' mates through playing WoW.)

Edited April 4, 2010 by ingridh

[aerogurl87]

My ex dumped me for a much younger girl he met on WoW. All I see is, that is just about the only thing they have in common. Unbeknownst to me, they were playing together for hours everyday and fell in love before even meeting each other in person. They are now engaged and inseparable. I hate that game.

 

(Friends later told me that many people found their 'soul' mates through playing WoW.)

 

Oh it won't last as soon as one of them gets bored with the game. One or the other will be left behind and then their relationship will fall apart. I've seen it happen before (and had it happen to me).

[milkmaterial]

ok..

 

i been playing this game for 4 years and i can say that..i prefer it u dont meet ur girls here. u easily fall for them because they share the same passion/hobby as u. and most of the girls in the game are weird..like, they have a lot of options.

 

a lot of lonely men out there, who are..loners (cant find other words) who meet a girl in the game and they just feel an instant connection. she healed u and u tanked for her.. it isnt difficult to fall for someone like that, who u do stuff with every day.

 

ive heard a million sob tales in the game about my male friends there and the girls they liked. i dont have the energy to post all of it right now though.

 

ive also met soemone there i really liked. we are going to meet soon. but during the course of the months ive noticed he has a tendency to neglect me..like..he doesnt call me , he just sometimes disappears for 2 days w/o a text or offline msg about where he is. its kinda ..isolating.

 

i myself am emo and a loner. ive met a lot of guys there whos the same like me..only i am worse i guess. hehe

 

if u have a lot of time to waste then surely u can progress better than any other casual. i should know, ive been unemployed for a month (i just graduated last february and my school papers arent fully released yet, need signatures and stuff) so i have actually progressed more than i have ever imagined.

 

anyway all i can say is, take care of yourself, dont BE TOO NICE. if ur too nice, u will lose.

 

dont be jaded either, thats a turn off.

 

just have a positive outlook in life that there is a girl out there waiting for u to find her, and she will come in the right time and right place and u'll thank me for it someday..

 

and by out there i dont mean in-game.

 

see ya in azeroth

 

edit:

 

ok ive read some people here have had bf's leave them for a girl in wow, that is just effed up. but i dont know what i can say about that. except i have noticed most of the guys in wow, have their girlfriends barring them from playing or whatever. personally i think guys need time to do do what they want, play video games, play pool, hang out w/ buddies, but still have time for the girlfriend (and not neglect her at all).

 

if he plays too much wow(or any other video game) and he doesnt have time for u, please dump him. please just do, or ur wasting ur time. u can find soemone else out there who will love u and appreciate ur presence in their lives.

 

my friend went to england for her boyfriend, and all he did during her visit was play Battlefield online, he totally ignored her and she spent so much money going there..

Edited April 4, 2010 by milkmaterial

[FreddieJones]

This is pity that she is involved with someone else even she already has a relation with you. You must have straight talk with her about your relationship and figure out what she think about you. If she is not interested in you in a way you want then you must continue with your life in a positive way, don't let anyone spoil your life.

[ukguy1985]

i think it is likely this will end for you and her. ldr from a videogame i do not recommend as i had one myself. still want the items i gave her back lol. funny how you are from the same city too lol.

Edited April 4, 2010 by ukguy1985

[goatee]

WoW sucks, nuff said. I won't go into mine but I have experienced some of your feelings too. What you have to do is STOP!. STOP texting her, STOP following her around, STOP being the 3rd wheel. You are only feeding her resentment towards you by coming off as needy, and she's probably talking to this guy saying all the stuff she can't tell you.

 

Go soft NC (play the game, don't make any effort to group or talk to her), in otherwords STOP feeding the beast (other dude). Let her come to you when she starts missing all the good things you were to her before. Being needy never works.

[BettyBoop]

My advice is for you to STOP PAYING FOR HER INTERNET, GAME AND PHONE!! She only seem to use them to communicate with that guy and her WoW mates. That is step one. Women do not like needy guys who we cannot respect...start making her respect you by not taking her crap and paying for her stuff while getting nothing back...

[Deadcan]

Wow, I have to thank you all for the feedback here. I've been out of town for work and hadn't had a chance to reply yet.

 

The sad thing about the game is that she never played until after she moved in with me and I introduced her to it.

 

As for this guy she spends time with online I know for a fact that they have never met in real life. She told me once he mentioned something about how many hours it would take for him to drive to her town and she told me she had no interest at all in meeting him.

 

So, over the last few days I have taken some of the advice here and stopped being so "needy" and just kind of sat back and left things alone. I haven't been initiating texts or calls. I have barely logged into the game and when she does send a text I am not real fast to respond.

 

I have been sending her written letters a few times a week like I always have.

 

Anyway, my efforts have paid off. She has reached out to me and has shown a lot more attention towards our time together. We spent the last few nights away from her "GUILD" and raiding doing other online things just the two of us without interference from her online friends.

 

She has completely stopped talking to him on the phone, but, she does still text him a lot. And I am still really curious to know what they text about.

 

 

Anyway, all of this led to us having a pretty decent talk where once again i expressed my frustrations and my worries about losing her to a game and for once she didn't go on offense and start attacking back. Seems like she really listened to me and things have been much nicer.

 

I also told her about this site and that I was posting to it looking for advice and at first she started to get mad, but I explained a little more to her and she didn't seem to upset.

 

I am going to visit her on the 17th and we will have a good 4 or 5 days away from Warcraft and just with each other so I am hoping for some more quality chat time.

 

I'll keep everyone posted and thanks for the advice. Now if I could get her to just not text this bloke so much. In all fairness to the texting, I do not think she is the one initiating the texts, but mostly replying to him which is a lot.

 

- Deadcan

[Deadcan]

Good point. I ask myself the same questions. And I am about to do something I have seen many people on the LDR forums do, and that try to justify their SO's actions. (ugh!) But, over the past week she texts me more than she does him and I think my persistence in trying to communicate my discomfort with this has paid off. She has said she would stop talking to him all together if that made me happy and I couldn't say to her thats what I wanted because in the past she has tried to dictate to me who I could have as friends and I have to admit I really resented her for trying to do that and in all honesty I couldn't do that to her. I want to be free to chose my own friends and I want my lover to accept me and trust me for that... In the same token I cannot in all honesty try to dictate to her rules that made me resent her.

 

Don't get me wrong, I am still suspicious of his intentions. I am convinced of his obsession over her and she seems oblivious of it. She seems to not realize that most men really can't be best friends with a girl without ulterior motives (sorry not trying to say ALL men, just most IMHO)...

 

I feel we have made progress and I am really being better and manning up and not being so weak and obsessive over contact with her. I think this too has helped. We have agreed to certain nights that she can raid with her guild and these are set in advance, but we have also agreed on other date nights where we do not have any other contact with other online people but ourselves and this has really proven to be nice. Even she has admitted to wanting more of these nights and has shrugged off her "guild" nights many times for me since.

 

I have also told her, on the nights she has scheduled to play Warcraft, I will not sit home and feel sorry for myself or log into the game myself, instead I told her on the nights she choses the game I am going to go out, see a movie, hang out with friends, go to Yoga class... Whatever, but I will no longer give in to sitting at home feeling sorry for myself.

 

This has actually produced an interesting result. She is now very curious about what I am going to do and who I am going to hang out with on the nights she choses to raid with her guild. It wasn't intentional, I wasn't trying to play games, but it has caused her a little reversal in our feelings. I think she gets a little jealous thinking I am out and about with my friends and not sitting home pining for her attentions and she takes me a little less for granted that I am just going to always be there sacrificing my own personal life sitting far away worshipping her. Heh... Not that I would EVER flirt or try to meet another girl while I am with her, it does seem now that she is a bit worried that I might. She asks me about the few work mate friends I have and will go out to a movie or grab a bite with. She always wants to know if the blokes I hang out with are married, have a girlfriend, where are you guys gonna go? etc.

 

And I always offer her this, "Hey if you decide you aren't gonna raid with your guild, I'd much rather stay home and hang out with you all night. Let me know, Ill always put you first.." and this seems to be working.

 

So all in all things I think are on an up swing. We have done the LDR thing now off and on for the greater part of 4+ years. I do have to admit, I think the times we have to endure the long distance part of 'US" has ultimately made us stronger and appreciate each other so much more.

 

Each time we get to be together we both so appreciate so much more the little things that regular couples take for granted.

 

If I can keep up doing those little things that so many men take for granted I keep growing our relationship little by little and she is not a communicator like I am, it takes a lot of effort and time to see the results but so far its proving worthwhile.

 

Don't get e wrong, Ill still have my EMO days but they are getting fewer and further between.

 

I so love her. I can't imagine my future without her.

 

I see her in a week. I have a surprise for her. I have teased her a little with a gift I have for her. Something she kind of secretly alluded to awhile back before I lost her to warcraft... I have been putting hints and even mixing up secret words in my letters to her like a word find she has to try and match up amongst all my words. It has been a lot of fun, and she is even anxious everyday for my new card/letters and clues.

 

I bought her a diamond promise ring, and I am going to give it to her with a list of promises I'm pledging myself to commit on her behalf and on the long term goals and commitments I intend for our future...

 

I'm leaving two blank for her to think up promises she would like for me to engage in on her behalf to prove my commitment to her.

 

Ugh, I just hope she doesn't ask me to quit drinking. LOL I would do it but it would be tough..

 

Thank you all! These forums help me and offer me hope knowing I am not alone in my LDR...

 

Cheers all! and have a good weekend.

 

- Derric Aka Deadcan

[Joe Normal]

YOu aren't suited to each other. Your relationship followed a very common pattern, especially with long-distance ones - online honeymoon period, desperation to meet, building her up in your mind. Then a real-life honeymoon period of a few months when they can do no wrong. Then the honeymoon wears off and you have to deal with the reality...and lo & behold, both of you are flirting with others, taking each other for granted etc. In other words, you two are never going to have true love and live happily ever after. Accept it and move on.

 

You'll probably try to dispute this, so just step back and look at the facts impartially - did you both treat each other with love and respect the whole time you were together? No. Did you stay faithful, only having eyes for each other? Not emotionally. Do you resolve disputes in a mature, calm fashion, listening to the other's complaints and taking them seriously? No. In other words, you aren't in a successful relationship. And that's because you aren't compatible. Break up, learn from the experience, and move on.

[Liveinthenow]

"I have returned to my old romantic ways. I email her, text her, I send her cards and letters in the post 3 or 4 days a week. Ive sent her boxes with treats and romantic presents. I send her roses. Once I sent her roses as a surprise and I tracked their delivery via fed ex and knew they had been delivered... I was anxious to get a text or call thanking me or saying just that she got them.... I knew she had been home a while... I didn't want to ask about it."

 

Bad move, you don't reward a dog for defecating on your carpet do you?

 

Likewise you don't become all sweetness and lights for a girl thats emotionally cheating with another man behind your back and IN FRONT OF YOUR FACE! What are you doing?!! Jeee-sus!

 

Also this should go without saying but anyway since I believe you are in desperate need of hearing this from SOMEONE...

 

NEVER under any circumstance live with a woman you aren't married to or are not planning to marry in within 6 months.

 

You are utterly powerless in this situation. NEVER buy a home with a girlfriend, NEVER sign a rental lease with a girlfriend. NEVER agree to move into her home and absolutely NEVER move a woman into your own established living arrangement. I'm adamantly opposed to the "shacking up" mythology, it is a TRAP that far too many men allow themselves to fall into. My fervor agianst this isn't based on some moral issue, it it simple pragmatism. I know guys right now living in the pit of misery with women they signed apartment leases with for a year and are basically living with their Exes now for the duration. If you live with a woman you may as well be married because upon doing so every liability and accountability of marriage is then in effect. You not only lose any freedom of anonymity, you commit legally to being responsible for the continuation of your living arrangements regardless of how your relationship decays.

 

I should also emphasize the point that when you commit to cohabiting with a GF you will notice a marked decrease in her sexual availability and desire, trust me on this. All of that competitive anxiety and it's resulting sexual tension that made your single sex life so great is removed from her shoulders and she can comfortably relax in the knowledge that she is your ONLY source of sexual intimacy. Putting your name on that lease with her (even if it's just your name) is akin to signing an insurance policy for her - "I the undersigned herby promise not to ƒuck any woman but this girl for a one year term." She thinks, "if he wasn't serious about me, he wouldn't have signed the lease." Now all of that impetus and energy that made having marathon sex with you an outright necessity is relaxed. She controls the frame and she's got it in writing that it is for at least a year. And in your case it doesn't sound as if she's all that sexually available in the first place.

 

Just don't do it. Relationships last best when you're dating other people or at the very least keeping each other at arm's distance. Look how this applies to your situation here.

 

"I feel more like a woman in this relationship."

 

Well sorry to say but you are behaving like a woman.

 

Women are supposed to be the ones obsessed about you and you don't get that kind of obsession from women unless you put your foot down about certain things such as no talking to other guys for endless hours at a time while you are with me etc. Stuff like that. Its not telling her not to have any friends but lets be honest here that guy is more than just a friend to her.

 

"Funny what I am about to say, but I wish I had a SO that was clingy and a little more needy."

 

You ever hear that saying "you get the government you deserve" well its the same with lovers, girlfriends, your wife, what have you. You will only ever get what you are willing to put up with. You have to make a decision for yourself about what kind of partner and life you want to lead and then live that life to the letter to the best of your ability. That means if you want a more loving girlfriend or for your girl to act a certain way to you consistently set your frame for that tell her, give her two chances to turn her behavior around if you feel you need to give a girl that much and if she screws up twice she's done and she's out of your life. If you don't set your own personal cut off point for BS and non compliance to what you want, what you need in a relationship then you WILL get screwed over and you will be 100% responsible for that as it is YOU who puts up with the crappy shoddy behavior over and over and over again.

 

Don't be a doormat, don't tip toe around, don't walk on eggshells, demand what you want out of life and a partner and go and get it because nobody else but you is going to do it for you. That doesn't mean you have to become a control freak and order a girl around, just that you'll be paying attention to certain behaviors from girls you date and if they're not up to snuff they're obviously not the girl for you so adios! You can never be a control freak by setting a frame, having the girl agree to it in the beginning and then holding her to that agreement. Hey if she disagrees point at the door. She can walk out it at anytime. No one's holding a gun to her head to stay after all but yes you must control the frame or women will walk all over you.

 

"So am I wrong to be jealous that she has a man in her life she communicates with and spends more time with at the expense of spending time with me"

 

Not at all.

 

You're wrong to stay with her for cheating on you emotionally with this other guy and putting yourself through so much hassle to stay with her when the situation is screaming out for a breakup.

 

"Long suffering" does not make you a good man nor does it prove your love it just makes you a fool in a situation like this.

 

She's probably already slept with the other guy too.

 

Mark my words if you do not dump her she will dump you.

 

Its only a matter of time.

 

This part of the relationship is where the woman is simply trying to get over her remaining feelings for you and once she's made her ultimate decision she'll leave you completely for the other guy.

 

Right now she's mourning your loss, thats what this period is where you think things are improving and your sappy romantic behavior is going to have any effect at changing reality.

 

You have zero control of the frame here.

 

Your girl sees that she can get away with having a secret boy toy but when you try to play her same game on her she goes thermo nuclear and to answer your earlier question about this no it is not right for her to be able to get mad about the chick you were talking to on the side while she's whispering sweet nothings in the ear of your replacement.

[XKatieX]

"I have returned to my old romantic ways. I email her, text her, I send her cards and letters in the post 3 or 4 days a week. Ive sent her boxes with treats and romantic presents. I send her roses. Once I sent her roses as a surprise and I tracked their delivery via fed ex and knew they had been delivered... I was anxious to get a text or call thanking me or saying just that she got them.... I knew she had been home a while... I didn't want to ask about it."

 

Bad move, you don't reward a dog for defecating on your carpet do you?

 

Likewise you don't become all sweetness and lights for a girl thats emotionally cheating with another man behind your back and IN FRONT OF YOUR FACE! What are you doing?!! Jeee-sus!

 

Also this should go without saying but anyway since I believe you are in desperate need of hearing this from SOMEONE...

 

NEVER under any circumstance live with a woman you aren't married to or are not planning to marry in within 6 months.

 

You are utterly powerless in this situation. NEVER buy a home with a girlfriend, NEVER sign a rental lease with a girlfriend. NEVER agree to move into her home and absolutely NEVER move a woman into your own established living arrangement. I'm adamantly opposed to the "shacking up" mythology, it is a TRAP that far too many men allow themselves to fall into. My fervor agianst this isn't based on some moral issue, it it simple pragmatism. I know guys right now living in the pit of misery with women they signed apartment leases with for a year and are basically living with their Exes now for the duration. If you live with a woman you may as well be married because upon doing so every liability and accountability of marriage is then in effect. You not only lose any freedom of anonymity, you commit legally to being responsible for the continuation of your living arrangements regardless of how your relationship decays.

 

I should also emphasize the point that when you commit to cohabiting with a GF you will notice a marked decrease in her sexual availability and desire, trust me on this. All of that competitive anxiety and it's resulting sexual tension that made your single sex life so great is removed from her shoulders and she can comfortably relax in the knowledge that she is your ONLY source of sexual intimacy. Putting your name on that lease with her (even if it's just your name) is akin to signing an insurance policy for her - "I the undersigned herby promise not to ƒuck any woman but this girl for a one year term." She thinks, "if he wasn't serious about me, he wouldn't have signed the lease." Now all of that impetus and energy that made having marathon sex with you an outright necessity is relaxed. She controls the frame and she's got it in writing that it is for at least a year. And in your case it doesn't sound as if she's all that sexually available in the first place.

 

Just don't do it. Relationships last best when you're dating other people or at the very least keeping each other at arm's distance. Look how this applies to your situation here.

 

"I feel more like a woman in this relationship."

 

Well sorry to say but you are behaving like a woman.

 

Women are supposed to be the ones obsessed about you and you don't get that kind of obsession from women unless you put your foot down about certain things such as no talking to other guys for endless hours at a time while you are with me etc. Stuff like that. Its not telling her not to have any friends but lets be honest here that guy is more than just a friend to her.

 

"Funny what I am about to say, but I wish I had a SO that was clingy and a little more needy."

 

You ever hear that saying "you get the government you deserve" well its the same with lovers, girlfriends, your wife, what have you. You will only ever get what you are willing to put up with. You have to make a decision for yourself about what kind of partner and life you want to lead and then live that life to the letter to the best of your ability. That means if you want a more loving girlfriend or for your girl to act a certain way to you consistently set your frame for that tell her, give her two chances to turn her behavior around if you feel you need to give a girl that much and if she screws up twice she's done and she's out of your life. If you don't set your own personal cut off point for BS and non compliance to what you want, what you need in a relationship then you WILL get screwed over and you will be 100% responsible for that as it is YOU who puts up with the crappy shoddy behavior over and over and over again.

 

Don't be a doormat, don't tip toe around, don't walk on eggshells, demand what you want out of life and a partner and go and get it because nobody else but you is going to do it for you. That doesn't mean you have to become a control freak and order a girl around, just that you'll be paying attention to certain behaviors from girls you date and if they're not up to snuff they're obviously not the girl for you so adios! You can never be a control freak by setting a frame, having the girl agree to it in the beginning and then holding her to that agreement. Hey if she disagrees point at the door. She can walk out it at anytime. No one's holding a gun to her head to stay after all but yes you must control the frame or women will walk all over you.

 

"So am I wrong to be jealous that she has a man in her life she communicates with and spends more time with at the expense of spending time with me"

 

Not at all.

 

You're wrong to stay with her for cheating on you emotionally with this other guy and putting yourself through so much hassle to stay with her when the situation is screaming out for a breakup.

 

"Long suffering" does not make you a good man nor does it prove your love it just makes you a fool in a situation like this.

 

She's probably already slept with the other guy too.

 

Mark my words if you do not dump her she will dump you.

 

Its only a matter of time.

 

This part of the relationship is where the woman is simply trying to get over her remaining feelings for you and once she's made her ultimate decision she'll leave you completely for the other guy.

 

Right now she's mourning your loss, thats what this period is where you think things are improving and your sappy romantic behavior is going to have any effect at changing reality.

 

You have zero control of the frame here.

 

Your girl sees that she can get away with having a secret boy toy but when you try to play her same game on her she goes thermo nuclear and to answer your earlier question about this no it is not right for her to be able to get mad about the chick you were talking to on the side while she's whispering sweet nothings in the ear of your replacement.

 

^^^ This.

 

He said everything I didn't feel like typing, but he is right.

[Mary3]

A lot going on here :

 

You lived in a pretend virtual world and then one day you met. You then had her move in with you. It was THEN that you learned all about her.

 

Your world with this WoW is toxic. Unhealthy . Sick .

 

If there is a recovery group to join to wean you completely of your addiction. We have all likely became addicted to on-line since the late 90's for some reason or another.

 

But one day we realize we are spending WAY too much time doing that certain thing. Whether its online games or dating or networking sites.

 

This addiction reminds me alot of Facebook Addiction. : You were doing alot of things stalkers do to their ex partners. Checking when that person signed in , who they talked to , how long they talked , when they logged out.

 

Your OBSESSION with her was just sad. She was OBSESSED with the other guy so you were obsessed with her being obsessed with the other guy .

 

I hope you get some help for this.

[KikiW]

My SO and I met through WoW, so I understand the draw to it. I also understand how the relationships work as someone else mentioned "stages" - if you're not at around the same level, you won't be able to play the same areas so once she pushed past you in experience with WoW, you were going to be left behind.

 

My SO and I made a conscious decision to back off of playing the game. We both let our accounts lapse, and although it would be nice to pop in and see how the "old gang" is doing, on the other hand I don't much care. I'd prefer to work on my RL relationship with a wonderful human being. I'd prefer to snuggle on the couch watching Doctor Who. I'd prefer to be making dinner together and grabbing his butt when he turns to wash the vegetables. I'd prefer to go for a walk near the stream with him and my daughter to feed the ducks stale bread.

 

You need to make sure this woman wants that too. Hold onto that ring for a while, I think she still has some soul-searching to do.

[Mary3]

My SO and I met through WoW, so I understand the draw to it. I also understand how the relationships work as someone else mentioned "stages" - if you're not at around the same level, you won't be able to play the same areas so once she pushed past you in experience with WoW, you were going to be left behind.

 

My SO and I made a conscious decision to back off of playing the game. We both let our accounts lapse, and although it would be nice to pop in and see how the "old gang" is doing, on the other hand I don't much care. I'd prefer to work on my RL relationship with a wonderful human being. I'd prefer to snuggle on the couch watching Doctor Who. I'd prefer to be making dinner together and grabbing his butt when he turns to wash the vegetables. I'd prefer to go for a walk near the stream with him and my daughter to feed the ducks stale bread.

 

You need to make sure this woman wants that too. Hold onto that ring for a while, I think she still has some soul-searching to do.

 

Just Beautiful ! ........I hope OP reads this...

[Deadcan]

I have been reading all the posts here. And I have really learned a lot and I thank you all for you input.

 

In fact, I just spent the last week with her.

 

First, I need to remind everyone, I didn't meet her in game. I met her and had known her for 2 years in real life before I persuaded her to play the game.

 

So we had a lot to build on prior to the game.

 

Anyway, I would like to update everyone and tell you that she has stopped playing the game with anyone but me and cut off her contact with this other person in game she became friends with.

 

We have 5 years now of real life and LDR and I have taken a lot of advice from the replies to my message.

 

Thank you all.

[Mary3]

I have been reading all the posts here. And I have really learned a lot and I thank you all for you input.

 

In fact, I just spent the last week with her.

 

First, I need to remind everyone, I didn't meet her in game. I met her and had known her for 2 years in real life before I persuaded her to play the game.

 

So we had a lot to build on prior to the game.

 

Anyway, I would like to update everyone and tell you that she has stopped playing the game with anyone but me and cut off her contact with this other person in game she became friends with.

 

We have 5 years now of real life and LDR and I have taken a lot of advice from the replies to my message.

 

Thank you all.

 

She must reaaaaaaaaaaaaalllly LOVE you Thats awesome. And great pic of you both