norajane Posted April 4, 2010 Posted April 4, 2010 he doesnt seem fazed in the slightest that he has left her, That seems a bit...cold, doesn't it? That would worry me. Because if he can be like that about his wife, he can be like that about anyone including you. Presumably they married because they were in love, and have only been married a short time - yet he already has no concern for the woman he intended to spend the rest of his life with? There's something very self-centered and selfish about his attitude toward his wife. That he can't see outside his wants to feel even a little compassion and concern for the woman he chose to marry might speak to his character as a whole. How well do you know him outside your personal relationship? How does he treat other people? How does he treat his family? How does he treat strangers, like waiters and taxi drivers and clerks? Is there kindness in him for others? Or does he not give a damn about anyone, really, except for himself and what he wants? You said he is staying somewhere...is that his place? Has he rented a place, bought furniture, moved all his things out of the house, changed his mailing address? Has he spoken to a lawyer, filed for divorce? Keep an eye on all the steps he is taking and whether what he tells you matches up to what he is actually doing. And don't let him take over your life at this point. Maintain your own life, your own friendships and activities. Don't let your life narrow down to only him and his divorce.
Author princess1234 Posted April 6, 2010 Author Posted April 6, 2010 (((Got it))) Thank you! what a nice post.. *blushes* and i have looked up the book your talking about. reading a book or two might be just what i need.. i know i am young, i have lots of time on my side!! as much as it sounds like this relationship consumes me (as it is all i have talked about on this forum), it doesnt. i have a job, i study, i train, and have lots of friends and family that i spend time with. he is a part of my life, but not all of it. however, he of course is my love and has my heart! so i guess that counts for a lot (((OWoman))) i am sorry that things were said that were untrue! i can see that everybodys situations and experiences are a little different here, so the opinions vary a lot here on LS!! im pretty sure i will support him through this time.. i have been having longs chats with him over the past couple of days and i can see that he REALLY wants to make things work between us. he is really asking for my support, and as a friend, and a lover, im going to give it to him. My H left his xW and was on his own (with the kids) for about 6 months before I moved in with him. So in this time, were you IC still? of were you NC for the 6 months that you didnt live together while you tied up issues on your end? It also allowed him to get some emotional distance and to know why he was choosing to be with me, rather than just falling from one M into another. my man is really keen to see how things go between us. he speaks very openly about planning to eventually live together, get married, have kids etc. etc. ...it looks like he has fallen from one M straight into another!!! i spoke to him about having some time apart, and he was against it. he said that he had done everyone and everything he needed to do, and was ready to settle down with me. i really have been trying to push for some time apart. i said that we could go and do whatever we wanted (IC or NC), to make sure that we are ready for such a huge commitment (since he wasnt ready the first time).. but he keeps saying no. i dont feel like i need the emotional distance from him, i am ready to be with him. i just want to make sure he's ready too!
Author princess1234 Posted April 6, 2010 Author Posted April 6, 2010 That seems a bit...cold, doesn't it? That would worry me. Because if he can be like that about his wife, he can be like that about anyone including you. Presumably they married because they were in love, and have only been married a short time - yet he already has no concern for the woman he intended to spend the rest of his life with? There's something very self-centered and selfish about his attitude toward his wife. That he can't see outside his wants to feel even a little compassion and concern for the woman he chose to marry might speak to his character as a whole. It is a bit cold, i agree. he feels like this towards her because she cheated on him first.. he felt betrayed, then cold towards her. he has explained that ever since day 1, their marriage was never a conventional and happy one. i used to see them together in the early stages of our relationship, and they did have a weird relationship. when she came home, he would go out. when he came home, she would go out. like they avoided each other...? and pressure from family to keep the marriage together i think has made him resent her further.. How well do you know him outside your personal relationship? How does he treat other people? How does he treat his family? How does he treat strangers, like waiters and taxi drivers and clerks? Is there kindness in him for others? Or does he not give a damn about anyone, really, except for himself and what he wants? there is kindness in him for those that are kind to him. he is lovely to all my friends, parents, his family etc. he is a bit of a 'tough guy', so he doesnt come across as gentle and overly nice, but you can see there is kindness there. You said he is staying somewhere...is that his place? Has he rented a place, bought furniture, moved all his things out of the house, changed his mailing address? Has he spoken to a lawyer, filed for divorce? Keep an eye on all the steps he is taking and whether what he tells you matches up to what he is actually doing. And don't let him take over your life at this point. Maintain your own life, your own friendships and activities. Don't let your life narrow down to only him and his divorce. he is keeping his stuff at his friends place and staying there, although 90% of the time he is sleeping at mine he has given everything that they shared as a couple (furniture etc) to her, because he makes much better money then she does, and thought i would be an easier and cleaner break if he leaves her with everything. he has changed his bank accounts (i was in the branch with him the other day), and im not sure about mailing address but i will ask. he cant file for divorce because here you have to show the courts that you have been seperated for 12 months or more before a divorce will be considered.
LucreziaBorgia Posted April 6, 2010 Posted April 6, 2010 he cant file for divorce because here you have to show the courts that you have been seperated for 12 months or more before a divorce will be considered. That is how it is here too. Are you in a AOA/CC state?
mitchell Posted April 6, 2010 Posted April 6, 2010 What do you get when you marry a man who cheats on his wife? A man who cheats on his wife.
Fallen Angel Posted April 6, 2010 Posted April 6, 2010 What do you get when you marry a man who cheats on his wife? A man who cheats on his wife. Unless of course, he has found the connection and true intimacy that was lacking in his first marriage, with his new spouse. In which case, what you get is a man who now knows the warning signs of failing intimacy and how to communicate his needs with his new wife who was his former affair partner. And thus is able to aviod the pitfalls he encountered in his first marriage. And a man who is more determined to get it right, the second time around.
mitchell Posted April 6, 2010 Posted April 6, 2010 Unless of course, he has found the connection and true intimacy that was lacking in his first marriage, with his new spouse. In which case, what you get is a man who now knows the warning signs of failing intimacy and how to communicate his needs with his new wife who was his former affair partner. And thus is able to aviod the pitfalls he encountered in his first marriage. And a man who is more determined to get it right, the second time around. Certainly possible, but he is basically someone who has shown pretty low moral character. He cheated on his wife and has ignored his vows and commitment to his marriage. Hardly a ringing endorsement as a future keeper. These kinds of character flaws tend to stay with people.
outofthedark Posted April 6, 2010 Posted April 6, 2010 Sure it's possible. What I don't' understand is why you are so concerned with what others will think and feel. You didn't care for more than a year. You didn't care if you would be hated, you just loooooved the man. Well he is yours now, all the lying, cheating and disrespect that he showed to the woman at one point he said he loved. Now you are in that honored space. You are in the space of a whole lot of mess. OH BOY. Take it from someone who has been there, done that. You cant even begin to imagine the "mess" you are in. Run for the hills!!! Oh, and get periodic std tests.
OWoman Posted April 8, 2010 Posted April 8, 2010 What do you get when you marry a man who cheats on his wife? A man who cheats on his wife. Or, if you marry a man who cheatED on his xW, you get a man who cheatED on his xW - which is something else, entirely. Certainly possible, but he is basically someone who has shown pretty low moral character. He cheated on his wife and has ignored his vows and commitment to his marriage. Hardly a ringing endorsement as a future keeper. These kinds of character flaws tend to stay with people. If they are "character flaws" and not the uncharacteristic response under conditions of pressure (such as the flight crash survivors who ate their dead fellow passengers up in the Andes - who didn't go on to remain cannibals all their lives) OR if the MM sees no reason to change. Many MM "cheat" uneasily, feel uncomfortable in that position and swear off it thereafter, doing the work required to examine why they found themselves in that uncharacteristic situation, and how to avoid it in future.
NoIDidn't Posted April 8, 2010 Posted April 8, 2010 Or, if you marry a man who cheatED on his xW, you get a man who cheatED on his xW - which is something else, entirely. The fact that man once cheated matters to some people, obviously. Not to me, depending on the circumstances, but obviously to some. And to bring up the eW as "which is something else, entirely" really only sounds like the cheating is blamed on the xW and the R that he cheated in. Not exactly a fair assessment to make in absence of facts. If they are "character flaws" and not the uncharacteristic response under conditions of pressure (such as the flight crash survivors who ate their dead fellow passengers up in the Andes - who didn't go on to remain cannibals all their lives) OR if the MM sees no reason to change. Many MM "cheat" uneasily, feel uncomfortable in that position and swear off it thereafter, doing the work required to examine why they found themselves in that uncharacteristic situation, and how to avoid it in future. If they are "character flaws" and not the uncharacteristic response under conditions of pressure OR if the MM sees no reasont to change. Please clarify, as by iteself, without the text in parenthesis, it doesn't make sense. How does one compare actions taken in a life and death situation to cheating? Cheating is just not that serious.
CrissyQ Posted April 8, 2010 Posted April 8, 2010 What do you get when you marry a man who cheats on his wife? A man who cheats on his wife. This is so true.
Fallen Angel Posted April 8, 2010 Posted April 8, 2010 The fact that man once cheated matters to some people, obviously. Not to me, depending on the circumstances, but obviously to some. And to bring up the eW as "which is something else, entirely" really only sounds like the cheating is blamed on the xW and the R that he cheated in. Not exactly a fair assessment to make in absence of facts. If they are "character flaws" and not the uncharacteristic response under conditions of pressure OR if the MM sees no reasont to change. Please clarify, as by iteself, without the text in parenthesis, it doesn't make sense. How does one compare actions taken in a life and death situation to cheating? Cheating is just not that serious. I can not speak to what OWoman wrote, only to my interpretation of it.. I see what she said as not blaming the affair on the xW, but on the relationship dynamic of the marriage in which he was in. That particular relationship is an entity all by itself, and had it's own seperate and distinct issues, that quite possibly were unique in the WSs life to that ONE relationship. What I mean is that perhaps the affair was not "modus operandi" for the husband but just a one time departure from his normal self, brought about by the circumstances he was in. Change the circumstances, get a different result.
NoIDidn't Posted April 9, 2010 Posted April 9, 2010 This is what I posted. Note the bolded and underlined. The fact that man once cheated matters to some people' date=' obviously. Not to me, depending on the circumstances, but obviously to some. And to bring up the eW as "which is something else, entirely" really [b']only sounds like the cheating is blamed on the xW and the R that he cheated in. Not exactly a fair assessment to make in absence of facts.[/b] If they are "character flaws" and not the uncharacteristic response under conditions of pressure OR if the MM sees no reasont to change. Please clarify, as by iteself, without the text in parenthesis, it doesn't make sense. How does one compare actions taken in a life and death situation to cheating? Cheating is just not that serious. I can not speak to what OWoman wrote, only to my interpretation of it.. I see what she said as not blaming the affair on the xW, but on the relationship dynamic of the marriage in which he was in. That particular relationship is an entity all by itself, and had it's own seperate and distinct issues, that quite possibly were unique in the WSs life to that ONE relationship. What I mean is that perhaps the affair was not "modus operandi" for the husband but just a one time departure from his normal self, brought about by the circumstances he was in. Change the circumstances, get a different result. You basically just posted what I said felt was being done anyway - blaming the R, if not only the exW. Plus, that wasn't what I was asking OWoman to clarify anyway. I was asking her to clarify the sentence that didn't make sense. But, thanks for the attempt.
Recommended Posts