Why should I not kill myself?

[plowman]

She left 6mos ago took my daughter, my 2 sons stayed w/ me. Ifound her a nice apt. hoping we could work on things, asked her not to date, she said I was controlling her and if asked she might go. tried everything I could think of except nc and 180. only pushed her away.tried dating, hurt one woman, then was hurt by another. second one said Im not over this and pulled back after having sex (her idea). now the wife hooked up with a classmate from high school, and is all aglow and in love. she treats him like I always wanted her treat me. Im not a big man 5 10 165 lbs and have always been bothered by this, always thought she wanted a "real man" he is 6 3 and prob 250 lbs and she is absolutely giddy. shes already had the kids meet him and even color easter eggs together. We were married 16.5 yrs and she never told me she was this unhappy not even close, she says I should have known she was miserable. I knew things werent great but I thought we would get through it and at least try if one of us was so unhappy. looking bck I can see how she was treating me was eroding my confidence, and Ive confidence issues anyway. She is so glad to be be away from me and be with a "real man" how do I go on? My kids would be shattered if I do it, But Hes probably the man they need too Im damned if I live and damned if I die...

[mark982]

plowman, you have exactly 3 reasons to live. their called your children. i came from a family where my dad died when i was 9 yrs old. you have no clue now not having him in ny life screwed my devolpement up. bein 6' 3" and 250, does not make you more of a man,sure it helps in bars fights but that's young kid stuff. your ex is in a affair fog right now,where everythings peachy. it's up to you to take the higher ground. love your kids,spend all the time you can with them. maybe get some therapy for yourself. there is a big light at the end of this tunnel,it may seem small right now, but it is there. you have no clue how you will screw up your kids, by thinking or doing this selfish act.. take care

[spriggig]

She left 6mos ago took my daughter, my 2 sons stayed w/ me. Ifound her a nice apt. hoping we could work on things, asked her not to date, she said I was controlling her and if asked she might go. tried everything I could think of except nc and 180. only pushed her away.tried dating, hurt one woman, then was hurt by another. second one said Im not over this and pulled back after having sex (her idea).now the wife hooked up with a classmate from high school, and is all aglow and in love. she treats him like I always wanted her treat me. Im not a big man 5 10 165 lbs and have always been bothered by this, always thought she wanted a "real man" he is 6 3 and prob 250 lbs and she is absolutely giddy. shes already had the kids meet him and even color easter eggs together. We were married 16.5 yrs and she never told me she was this unhappy not even close, she says I should have known she was miserable. I knew things werent great but I thought we would get through it and at least try if one of us was so unhappy. looking bck I can see how she was treating me was eroding my confidence, and Ive confidence issues anyway. She is so glad to be be away from me and be with a "real man" how do I go on? My kids would be shattered if I do it, But Hes probably the man they need too Im damned if I live and damned if I die...

 

This is similar to my situation, the part bolded above is dead on except mine was 10 years.

 

The other guy is different from you, but no better than you. He is a man just like you and he has his strengths and weaknesses, just like you. The "real man" thing is all in your head.

 

I think you already know your own biggest issue: low self-confidence. This issue needs to be your focus right now, along with your kids.

 

Speaking of your kids, hide from them AT ALL COSTS any conflicts between you and your wife--never argue in front of your kids. Go through this site Up To Parents

[blind_otter]

Live for your children. My mom tells me this all the time, and it's true. They need you to be there. Their mother's boyfriend can never replace their father. Sometimes my son is the only reason I can get up in the morning, but better that I use that as a motivator.

 

Never let what someone else decides to do choose your path as well. You must be strong, now, and find that ability to move forward. Many have had to do the same. It is difficult, but if you do it right, you become a much better person.

[2.50 a gallon]

Hey big guy, I am only 5'6 and 140

 

I was once in your shoes and here are some of the reasons I found

 

Because:

you are lucky enough to live in the greatest country in the history of the world

puppies are fun to play with

the gardens will soon be filled with flowers

it is bikini blossom time and the local beach will be filled with beautiful women

the fish will be biting again

baseball season starts this week

motorcycles are fun to ride, even more so if you have one of those bikini babes riding behind, (keep hitting the brake)

chocolate cake is so good to eat as are chocolate chip cookies just out of the oven, or fresh pie, even better ala mode

in a few months we will be eating fresh new corn and watermellons

beer goes great with pizza and mexican food

and most important, in time you will heal, you will find a woman you can trust and love to share your life with that you will look back and feel sorry for her latest guy friend

trust me on this last one, I didn't believe, I never wanted to ever love again and did everything in the world to avoid it, and cupid still nailed me.

and mostly your kids need you to teach them some of the above things, such as learning how to fish and hit a baseball

[nobmagnet]

NOBODY is better than you. As far as you wife moving on goes well its almost enevitable. He is no better than you and you will always be Dad to your children.

 

My ex is happy and yes it smarts because we want them to feel the pain we do. Work through your pain and see the positive aspects of your life starting with your children. You owe it to them to not do something stuppid.

 

I had a freind that tried to kill herself. She trew herself off a bridge infront of a lorry. Smashed her hips,legs,teeth,one arm, fractured skull and in intensive care for months. 12 months on she was ashamed she ever felt that desparate and is glad she didnt die. I wounder how many people who commit suiside would say the same? Most if not all. What is desparate now will not be in 12 months. DONT DO IT.

 

She appologised to the lorry driver by the way. He is emotionally scared by her actions as well as her family.

 

Get some support. get a counceller and NOW.

 

Hugs

 

Nobby xx

[plowman]

Thanks for your quick replies and encouragement, I know most people on here are hurting also and Im humbled that you would take the time to help me a stranger. I know my kids are most important, but I just feel so "less than" I mean Thats why shes with him, and its only a matter of time until hes wonderful to the kids too. add the fact that for the last 6 mos. ive been pretty wrecked, my motivation is gone Im on anti depressants and going to counseling but I keep backsliding. when she got the boyfriend and became so happy I hit bottom and I cant seem to get up. I do for a while but it comes right back and knocks me down. I know i just have to accept it I hope in time I can I know my kids would be damaged horribly if I were to kill myself, and I could never do that to them where do you people find the strength to overcome this stuff??

[plowman]

Gallon,

I almost cried when I read your post, thank you and you too nobby. I feel like I know you as Ive been reading this site for months trying to get over this. I really do have wonderful children. and I am going to focus on them and love them. I really am a lucky man. Gallon again thank you for that inspiring post, I think Im going to take my sons fishing today

[scatterd]

Hey im horriably lost myself and get the same thoughts but I know It will get better no man or woman on this earth is worth you or I not living loving and laughing again,She will get hers in due time,You will find someone so much better that she will hate to see that someday to. your children need you and love you what woman could possiably come close to that.Give it time to heal its her loss good riddens to the ***** honestly now you know who she is. ab I know you hurt some people play dirty and are just nasty.Good luck we will come out better people because we are caring but only to whom deserves it.big hugs:bunny::bunny:you was loking for someone before her and you will find someone after her you need to heal though.

[Gunny376]

Speaking as a retired Marine? That's 6'1" and 210?

 

Its the guys that smaller than you that you have to worry about? Them some mean SOB's! It took five years to take the Japanese out of the War, four for the Koreans, and the Vietnamese never did quit not once in ten years.

 

I witnessed a JP (Japanese Policeman) all of 5'7 take down a big Swede of a Marine over 6'4 and 250+ down to his knees with tears in his eyes begging for him to let him go. Made me step back!

 

Suicide is easy. Its living that's the hard part.

 

But suiciding yourself is selfish and BS. Sure you cash out and your pain is gone?

 

But you leave a LIFETIME of heartache, heartbreak, misery and suffering for those you leave behind.

 

You've an obligation and responsiblity to those three children of yours to be there for them.

 

And I hate to be one that breaks it to you? But that's a lifetime obligation and responsiblity.

 

Once they were born? It was no longer just about you? Its about them.

[spriggig]

I'll just add that if things never change, then things never change.

 

You're not going to be there fully for your kids until you start to move forward. It's time for you to start moving in the direction you know you have to.

[plowman]

I know Sprig, thanks. and everyone else too. I will

[nobmagnet]

Plowman,

 

now you have posted and stuff will you promice me one thing?

 

Please please turn to us on LS for support when you are low. You will never be alone on here.

 

 

all the very best my sweet

 

Nobby xxx

[mikeymad]

There is an old Cherokee tale about an elderly chief who was teaching his grandchildren about life. He said to them, “A fight is going on inside of me. It is a terrible battle and it is between two wolves.”

 

He continued, “One wolf is evil – he is fear, anger, envy, judgment, weakness, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, lies, competition and separateness. The other wolf is good – he is love, understanding, joy, acceptance, strength, pride, sharing, compassion, wisdom, truth, cooperation and unity. This same fight is going on inside of you and inside every other person too.”

 

The children thought about this for a minute and then one of them asked the chief, “Grandfather, which wolf will win?” The wise old man looked at her with love in his eyes and said simply, “The one you feed!”

 

Plowman, you were put on this earth for a reason, and it may sound cheesy, but you are special and you have a purpose to fulfill. Maybe it is something as simple as to be a shining example to the kids about how to get through hard times. Maybe it is that and something more. Know that someone, somewhere will have their life changed because they interacted with you. It's called the butterfly effect.

 

“You never know how far reaching something you think, say or do today, will affect the lives of millions tomorrow.”

 

Keep posting, and we're here for you.

 

And PS. I'm 5'10, Through this D process, I have lost enough weight unintentionally so I'm down to about 145, so I think I have you AND gallon beat. One thing we don't worry about is getting fat! I'm guessing unless he's a bodybuilder or a meathead that 250 aint all that pretty. Think of yourself as a lean, mean, take no prisoners, ass-kickin MACHINE!

Edited April 2, 2010 by mikeymad

[Brightmoon]

NOBODY is better than you. As far as you wife moving on goes well its almost enevitable. He is no better than you and you will always be Dad to your children.

 

Get some support. get a counceller and NOW.

 

Hugs

 

Nobby xx

 

 

^^^This, is so true Plowman. No matter this guys physical stature, YOU are the only one your kids will look to and love as a father. You have to do all you can to protect your them, by protecting you.

 

You had at least 3 dates. Proof enough you are capable of dating and eventually moving on.

 

The insecurities around your height and stuff are your own... as Nobby says you need to seek counselling.

 

Good luck and keep posting..

[nobmagnet]

Boys boys boys

 

 

I am 5 ft 5. I have arms like a builder and i indeed can beat a man at arm wrestling anyday ( did lostboy both left and right muhahahah) i find tall and small men attractive it is what is within most sensible women want.

 

Myfirst husband (yes more than one) was 6ft 6/7 and built like a bricksh*t house. couldnt tell you in pounds you work it out but he was 19 stone and all muscle.

 

was he more attractive than my builder who came round today after a year and asked me out errrrrrrrrrrrrno way! My builder it 5ft 5 slim and sooooooo sweet. size and build is nothing. its what you are within.

 

By the way i recon he fancies me because I can lift more than him and can work hard all day! not very girly. note to self............be a bloody girl!

 

:lmao::lmao: nobby xx

[2.50 a gallon]

Nob

 

I love your posts!

 

It doesn't hurt to back off an be a little girly

 

When I first started dating my current GF, she was adamant, that men were only could for only one thing, and other than that she could do anything a man could do.

 

Then her sink clogged up. She called me and asked if I could bring over my tools. Thinks I, here's my chance to be a white knight. Nope, she took my pipe wrench and fixed it herself. Did not need my help, just the tool

 

Then her water pump went out, could I help. Shot down again, all she needed was a lift to get the new parts.

 

Then her lawn mower died, so I brought over a weed eater. She did it herself. All the time reminding me, she can do anything a man can do.

 

Finally came the desperate call for help at 3 in the morning, she had an animal in her house. Her cats had chased a small sewer roach under the cat box in the bathroom, and she was afraid to go in the bathroom until it was gone. After I arrived I refused to help her until she acknowledged that men did have other uses. Thank God it was 3 in the morning and she really needed to use the bathroom right away, or else she would have found another guy to help. Shortly thereafter she began to call me babe. I am now in charge of getting rid of all spiders and bugs. Even ants put her in a frenzy

[HockeyMom]

She left 6mos ago took my daughter, my 2 sons stayed w/ me. Ifound her a nice apt. hoping we could work on things, asked her not to date, she said I was controlling her and if asked she might go. tried everything I could think of except nc and 180. only pushed her away.tried dating, hurt one woman, then was hurt by another. second one said Im not over this and pulled back after having sex (her idea). now the wife hooked up with a classmate from high school, and is all aglow and in love. she treats him like I always wanted her treat me. Im not a big man 5 10 165 lbs and have always been bothered by this, always thought she wanted a "real man" he is 6 3 and prob 250 lbs and she is absolutely giddy. shes already had the kids meet him and even color easter eggs together. We were married 16.5 yrs and she never told me she was this unhappy not even close, she says I should have known she was miserable. I knew things werent great but I thought we would get through it and at least try if one of us was so unhappy. looking bck I can see how she was treating me was eroding my confidence, and Ive confidence issues anyway. She is so glad to be be away from me and be with a "real man" how do I go on? My kids would be shattered if I do it, But Hes probably the man they need too Im damned if I live and damned if I die...

 

Plowman, you're not alone with your feelings. Just today I so wished I didn't have to live my life anymore. I wouldn't miss anything about it except my son. And more importantly, I would NEVER let him grow up without having a mom. Short of that, I'd be gone. I feel as though I have nothing to look forward to. Every single day, over 6 months now, I'm a depressed mess. My son does know what's going on but he doesn't witness 1/4 of my sadness. We have to stay alive for our kids if for no other reason!!!!! I was thinking today I wish my kid was grown and married with a family so I could check out, but that's not the case. Oh well, I just have to face another day tomorrow and just keep trying my best to get through the day without crying. It's not easy but we have to do it right.

[mimidarlin]

ah man...depression, sadness, uncontrollable crying, fear of being alone.

 

One thing I can say. Be thankful you have children. I don't...probably can't. Wish that I had tried two years ago when we first ran into problems. I was afraid that bringing a child into our marriage would have pushed the relationship over the edge. Now...I wish I had a child.

[plowman]

thanks again to everyone who has replied, it helps so much to know you have been where I am and made it through. Im gonna man up and get through this, some of you have been through so much worse

[mimidarlin]

Our pain is all relative plowman. It's based on what we've experienced and where we are in life. Don't think that I am playing down your pain. I know it's real. Believe me. Just try to remember what you have to be grateful for in your life. It's hard. Just letting you know that I would be grateful to have a little one to give my love to.

[2.50 a gallon]

Plowman

 

I just lost a second post to you

 

My story: I caught my XW kissing an OM on our six month wedding anniversary. Amongst the name calling I gave her the impression to not come home that night, or ever again. To rub my face in it, my neighbor threw a party for her, her new BF and a couple of guys she worked with a couple of days after we broke up. They got her drunk and she did a strip for them. And to make matters worse, we had just recently moved a thousand miles from our home town, and all of my friends were hers and our friends. I was alone

 

In short I have walked in your shoes. I was at the bottom of the pit, wondering if I would ever laugh or have fun again.

 

The answer, is O YEAH!

 

The first step in healing is to keep busy. Do things with your kids. Did you take them fishing? If so why not make it a new family tradition. The Saturday before Easter you take your kids fishing, even your daughter. Maybe in 20 years you will also be taking your grandkids.

 

Work on your hobbies if you have any. If not find one. Try something new, step out of your comfort zone, learn to dance (I would go with Salsa dancing it looks hot and so do the ladies) or learn to sky dive. Put a thrill back in your life.

 

Me, I was already a good cook, and taught myself several new gourmet dishes. Learning and cooking took time, time away from thinking about the situation I was in. Also, I made new friends and my new lady friends enjoyed the meals and they in turn taught me more new dishes.

 

Here is a general rule of thumb. Wayward spouses trade down and betrayed spouses trade up. Meaning, that in the future you will have at your side someone so much better than you had. Not only kinder and sweeter, but also better looking, and someone you can trust.

 

My XW was already beginning to put on weight when we broke up. I would guess she had at least a couple of kids, and knowing her she never lost the extra weight.

 

My GF is one of the kindest people you would ever meet. Always going out of her way to help a friend. She likes Mickey Mouse, stuffed animals, kittens, and still believes that Santa's reindeer can fly. I am retired, she is plus 55, and still has an hour glass figure, with killer legs and a long pony tail that bounces sexily when she walks. I definitely traded up

 

Question? What is the status of the OM. Married, divorced, kids?

Edited April 3, 2010 by 2.50 a gallon

[plowman]

Hey gallon, thanks for another uplifting post. I can only hope I will find someone like your GF the other man is separated w 2 kids. his wife cheated on him, can you believe that?

[Gunny376]

2.5OG has it right.

 

I don't recall your saying how old you were PM (Plowman)

 

Me? I'll be 53 week after next.

 

Life really does get better. But you've got to want it, and you've got work for it. It means learning some self discipline and self control. It means earning it ~ the old hard fashion way? You've got to work for it, you've got to slave for it!

 

You've got to earn it!

 

I'm just about sitting pretty. I've got an easy low-stress, no stress job, with an easy low-stress, no stress bosses, co-workers. I'm retired military, got a "Cadillac" health and dental plan through such. I'm out of debt, (save stupid student loan )

 

Even though I'm retired military? I could go a year without a job and "no" money coming in and still make a go of it, because I quit "Living my life like everyone else, and started 'living' my life like no one else!" (Dave Ramsey quote ~ read his book ~ "A Complete Money Makeover")

 

I've got money in the bank for such, $5K in the bank to replace an auto engine, transmission, tires, etc. I've got another couple of grand stashed back for this, that and the other, (taxes, insurance deductibles, premiums ~ you get a cheaper rate if you pay such annually than you would if you pay monthly ~ read Mary Hunt's "Debtproof Living"

 

You've really have been given a golden opportunity to learn and grow in and with your life.

 

You've got a lot going for you ~ if you would but see it!

[dazzle22]

I can honestly say that I experienced almost no happiness in my life till I turned 50 and made some huge changes, which for me was divorcing a spouse who was never physically abusive, but very psychologically manipulative and abusive. So I have been very very low at points too, never wanting to take my own life, but wishing fate would just take me off this earth.

 

This has changed in ways I never could have imagined. So happiness can come after great darkness... You just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other every day, doing what you know you need to for your kids. I think the older men get, the wider their dating field becomes. My guess is you will meet someone whom you can have a better life with. Your marriage sounds like it was lacking in passion for quite some time. You may actually look back at this at some point and be glad you were set free from a passionless marriage.