Gunny376 Posted April 3, 2010 Share Posted April 3, 2010 Most outstanding and excellent post dazzle22! :bunny::bunny: Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted April 3, 2010 Share Posted April 3, 2010 BTW? You get six sock bunnies from me? IMHO? It was truly a most outstanding and excellent post! I just don't give "sock bunnies" out to anyone! You've got to earn them! Link to post Share on other sites
dazzle22 Posted April 3, 2010 Share Posted April 3, 2010 BTW? You get six sock bunnies from me? IMHO? It was truly a most outstanding and excellent post! I just don't give "sock bunnies" out to anyone! You've got to earn them! Hugs! Always good to get feedback when you put your heart out there in a post! Link to post Share on other sites
Author plowman Posted April 3, 2010 Author Share Posted April 3, 2010 Gunny, and Dazzle, Both of your posts were awesome, and I thank you for taking the time to remind me of these things. Took my dog for a long walk this morning, and it is a beautiful one here in new york! and Im feeling good today. I actually am ashamed of thinking like that. I thought about all the things i have to be thankful for like good friends and family (LS included) my health my great kids to live in this great country(thank you Gunny) my motorcycle my job my home maybe Ill find someone again, but if not I still have alot to live for even if its just being a good example to my kids,and helping other people like you all did for me... thank you Link to post Share on other sites
Brightmoon Posted April 3, 2010 Share Posted April 3, 2010 thanks again to everyone who has replied, it helps so much to know you have been where I am and made it through. Im gonna man up and get through this, some of you have been through so much worse You ARE manning up... this is all part of the process.. admitting to feelings of not knowing how to carry on.. but you are still there... Manning up for you and the kids. You are doing well. Sending love to you and your kids.... oh, and tons of Easter eggs for them too... Link to post Share on other sites
mikeymad Posted April 3, 2010 Share Posted April 3, 2010 Plow, you are in a perfect situation to rebuild your life EXACTLY how you want it. Believe it or not, you are still in your prime. I believe older women have the benefit of looking inwards and dealing with hard times and really know themselves and tend to have a quiet confidence about them, which is something that I am finding more and more attractive. I would consider you lucky in that aspect, because you are going to be a greater man because of this. At my age (27), most girls (and I call them that on purpose) have NO idea what love, committment, communication IS. They bail at the first sign of trouble, with whatever's convenient. Everyone has relationship ADD. Such as "So i was going to the store to pick up some bread...Look! A BLUE CAR! I wouldn't necessarily say the dating field widens (because many girls my age are desperate and want to define themselves by a relationship) as you get older, but IMHO, you are getting more QUALITY than QUANTITY. And I would almost rather have someone that has gone through a D and taken that long hard road of introspection because they developed the above qualities, so don't see it as a negative. You are adding the term "marriage marine" to your resume! (I hope no offense taken Gunny). The World's your oyster....GO GET YOURS Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted April 3, 2010 Share Posted April 3, 2010 You are adding the term "marriage marine" to your resume! (I hope no offense taken Gunny). Only in that Marine is spelled with a capital "M" Do I look like a freaking sea horse or flounder to you? Most outstanding and excellent post BTW! :bunny::bunny: Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted April 3, 2010 Share Posted April 3, 2010 Plow, you are in a perfect situation to rebuild your life EXACTLY how you want it. Believe it or not, you are still in your prime. I believe older women have the benefit of looking inwards and dealing with hard times and really know themselves and tend to have a quiet confidence about them, which is something that I am finding more and more attractive. I would consider you lucky in that aspect, because you are going to be a greater man because of this. At my age (27), most girls (and I call them that on purpose) have NO idea what love, commitment, communication IS. They bail at the first sign of trouble, with whatever's convenient. Everyone has relationship ADD. Such as "So i was going to the store to pick up some bread...Look! A BLUE CAR! I wouldn't necessarily say the dating field widens (because many girls my age are desperate and want to define themselves by a relationship) as you get older, but IMHO, you are getting more QUALITY than QUANTITY. And I would almost rather have someone that has gone through a D and taken that long hard road of introspection because they developed the above qualities, so don't see it as a negative. You are adding the term "marriage marine" to your resume! (I hope no offense taken Gunny). The World's your oyster....GO GET YOURS Actually in my own personal opinion? Regardless of age? Most people be they men or be they women, regardless of age? Just aren't cut out to be LTR type individuals. I would say roughly half or better. The problem is compounded exponentially in that "LTR commitment" types keep hooking up those that aren't! To illustrate, I once had another Staff Sergeant that got into trouble, got called on the carpet before the man and got sentenced to thirty days confinement to the barracks for having knocked out one of his Marines. They put him in with me in my room in the barracks, (two to a room). I woke up the next morning swung out of the rack, and there was this woman in her nightgown and bathrobe, drinking hobo coffee and smoking a cigarette. "Who tha' Hell are you?" I asked "I'm his wife! Where he goes? I go!" Link to post Share on other sites
mimidarlin Posted April 4, 2010 Share Posted April 4, 2010 So do the LTR people go after nonLTR people because we're codependent. As in we think we are going to make them believe in relationships. We are going to change this and that about ourselves so they will want to be with us. Wow...I changed a lot to stay in my relationship. Now I see the spunkier and more blunt person I used to be when I was young. I think that is who he actually fell in love with but we lost the ability to communicate. Link to post Share on other sites
2.50 a gallon Posted April 4, 2010 Share Posted April 4, 2010 Plowman I see you have already tried some dating. Married for over 16 years means that you are a little out of practise. Don't give up and at the sametime don't get in a hurry. Me, were I to break up with my current lady would be in the same boat. Man how things have changed. There are dating sites all over the internet, I would not have a clue. I would just go back to my way of thinking, which can summerized in that old song "Girl's Just WAnt to Have Fun" You own a mortorcycle. That is a step in the right direction. Mileymad makes a good point about older women. They too have been through the bull****, and have discarded a lot of superficial plastic junk to get to the real person Yes I got lucky when I found my lady. But it was not all luck. She too has been through the wringer. She was divorced from an abusive husband and another not so good relationship. In truth, even though she claimed she wasn't looking for a permanant relationship, the woman deep in her soul responded to the way I treated her. It is that simple Tomorrow is the first day of baseball. Finally something to watch on the tube again, as I am not a big basketball fan. Are you a Mets or a Yankees fan? Keep posting my friend. Link to post Share on other sites
Author plowman Posted April 4, 2010 Author Share Posted April 4, 2010 Hey gallon, Thanks again for the uplifting post. I actually enjoyed a nice day yesterday with a beautiful wonderful woman riding my motorcycle, had a picnic then saw a movie. an overall wonderful day. I met her in a divorce care class,but she says shes not looking for a relationship either. It just seems so unfair my STBX has found someone and is so happy, and all I get to do is be friends with women because eiyher Im not ready or theyre not ready. I guess no one said life is fair huh? I like what you said about your current relationship and how she responded to the way you treated her, good for you I will do the same, oh and Im a yankees fan mikeymad, thank you too, you guys are great Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted April 4, 2010 Share Posted April 4, 2010 I have not read the thread.. so maybe you already answered this question. How old are your kids? Your 2 sons live with you.. they need you... You WILL get better.. It takes time.. I've been where you are.. but not for the same reason... Find a hobby ... do something you like.. with or without the kids.. try NOT to be in contact with her.. so you won't see everything she does.. etc... for a while anyway... try to avoid her.. Also.. do as much exercices as you can ... this is the best 'prescription' against depression... and if you really have suicidal ideas.. talk to your doctor.. you might need antidepressants (they saved me).. One day.. you will be happy or maybe even happier than you've ever been... trust me on that one.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author plowman Posted April 4, 2010 Author Share Posted April 4, 2010 Lizzie thank you, for the hope that things will get better. my 2 boys with me are 13 and 14.5 and my daughter with her is 11.5 Good point about the exercise ILL start again and try to stick to it. I am seeing a counselor and am taking zoloft it does help. I do have to keep busy Link to post Share on other sites
dazzle22 Posted April 5, 2010 Share Posted April 5, 2010 So do the LTR people go after nonLTR people because we're codependent. As in we think we are going to make them believe in relationships. We are going to change this and that about ourselves so they will want to be with us. Wow...I changed a lot to stay in my relationship. Now I see the spunkier and more blunt person I used to be when I was young. I think that is who he actually fell in love with but we lost the ability to communicate. I agree. Some LTRs can start to develop a pattern where one person takes on the RESISTER role, and the other the CONVINCER, kind of like a car salesman and a customer. And this goes round, and round, and round.... Great that you had a good day Plowman! Remember about your stbx, you don't really know how happy she is..eventually all relationship balloons come down a bit after the limerance, and some come down...pooft! Smack! Much too soon to say....definitely NOT written in stone yet... Link to post Share on other sites
2.50 a gallon Posted April 5, 2010 Share Posted April 5, 2010 Plowman You had a better day than I did My GF has been out of town with her family for the past 4 days and won't be back until the middle of next week Also, I never had any kids. It is kind of an empty space that can never be filled. As to your wife and her new friend, there is little chance it will last long term. I suspect that she is not a hundred percent happy that the boys chose you over her. As to finding a replacement for Mrs. Plowman, what is the hurry? The world is full of beautiful women, let the good times roll. It took me over 15 years. Keep posting, as I am sorry to say the roller coaster ride is not over yet. It takes awhile. Link to post Share on other sites
PlanetJanet Posted April 19, 2010 Share Posted April 19, 2010 Plowman, I didn't read every post in the thread but I wanted to be sure to stress one important point. No man, no matter how big or small, rich or funny, interesting, or different, is going to be your children's DAD. That role can only be played by you. Your kids are old enough to only know one dad - the man who took them to school, taught them valuable lessons, laughed with them, kissed them good night, laid the foundation for their lives. Chances are they are not thrilled with your wife walking out and taking up with some new guy. Chances are they are confused and hurt. Especially if mom is trying to get them to accept the new guy so quickly. Kids don't want new moms and dads, they want THEIR moms and dads. On some level it's very selfish for your wife to leave you for some new guy and then drag the kids into it. If things don't work out with him, will she drag another new guy home? And then another and another? Have more confidence in your vital role as those kids' father. You are the only one they want or need. Focus on them above all. It might feel good to date, but don't let new women or relationships intrude on what your kids need. They will all be out of the house in less than 8 years at which time you can do whatever you want. Until then never lose sight of how much they need you. You know how rough the teen years can be. Their mom has just upended their home life and is acting like some giddy school girl. Someone called it the "affair fog." You have to be the clear headed one. And it will pay rich dividends years from now when they remember you as the reliable rock who was there for them. Hopefully your self-worth is not tied up in whether a woman finds you attractive. Romantic partners come and go, your children are forever. Now is the time to be brave and focused. You can do this! Link to post Share on other sites
Author plowman Posted April 19, 2010 Author Share Posted April 19, 2010 Janet, I dont know if you believe in God or not, but I would like to believe He stirred you to write that post today. Ive had a bad weekend, found out hes been staying at her house with my daughter there. Your post has picked me up,slapped me in the head, and reminded me whats really important. I am going to print it out, and read it whenever I need to be picked up. Thank you, and God bless you. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted April 19, 2010 Share Posted April 19, 2010 Plowman, I didn't read every post in the thread but I wanted to be sure to stress one important point. No man, no matter how big or small, rich or funny, interesting, or different, is going to be your children's DAD. That role can only be played by you. Your kids are old enough to only know one dad - the man who took them to school, taught them valuable lessons, laughed with them, kissed them good night, laid the foundation for their lives. Chances are they are not thrilled with your wife walking out and taking up with some new guy. Chances are they are confused and hurt. Especially if mom is trying to get them to accept the new guy so quickly. Kids don't want new moms and dads, they want THEIR moms and dads. On some level it's very selfish for your wife to leave you for some new guy and then drag the kids into it. If things don't work out with him, will she drag another new guy home? And then another and another? Have more confidence in your vital role as those kids' father. You are the only one they want or need. Focus on them above all. It might feel good to date, but don't let new women or relationships intrude on what your kids need. They will all be out of the house in less than 8 years at which time you can do whatever you want. Until then never lose sight of how much they need you. You know how rough the teen years can be. Their mom has just upended their home life and is acting like some giddy school girl. Someone called it the "affair fog." You have to be the clear headed one. And it will pay rich dividends years from now when they remember you as the reliable rock who was there for them. Hopefully your self-worth is not tied up in whether a woman finds you attractive. Romantic partners come and go, your children are forever. Now is the time to be brave and focused. You can do this! Made my day! Link to post Share on other sites
wheelwright Posted April 19, 2010 Share Posted April 19, 2010 My last lover was shorter than me (I am straight and female). The standing up sex was awesome. Look for the silver linings... And learn to laugh at yourself - it takes away suicidal impulses. Taking you and your pain too seriously is a problem. I once talked a friend out of suicide by saying things like 2.50 said. Great post. Think about what in the world YOU get a kick out of and you'll be there. (I think we know what 2.50 gets a kick out of!). I really feel the line 'if it weren't for my kids I'd top myself' is just a way of working out your priorities. It's a way of seeing that our own pain isn't the be all and end all. And what do kids mean most? They mean love, and they mean future. The attachment to this idea is a way our subconscious has of telling us we are in fact invested in our love and our future. I had dark times in the recent past when I felt I didn't want to live. I didn't top myself, not because of the pain and suffering I might leave behind (though I thought about that in that childish way people from unhappy childhoods do - I'll kill myself, then you'll be sorry! It's an idea I think comes from power play. Or worse 'I'll kill myself, and no-one will be sorry - self-pity, yuk (crikey, what is childhood like!)), but because somewhere deep inside I knew that this was the pain talking. And in general, we all know it to be true that the pain subsides. Perhaps contemplating suicide is a way unhappy people have of weighing up why they are in fact important in the world. And the idea of self joy as outlined by 2.50 is a way of finding something better than feeling important to keep us alive. Joy is naturally giving, and nobody who feels it has a feeling of insignificance. I only feel I could write this because I felt such impulses myself in a dark week or two last year. I don't mean any of it harshly. I was affected by the OP. I am sure you have a lot to give this world. Not just your kids. Link to post Share on other sites
cherubim Posted April 19, 2010 Share Posted April 19, 2010 Plowman dont kill yourself. I have felt the way you are feeling. Call me. Email me here and ill get you my telephone number Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted April 19, 2010 Share Posted April 19, 2010 am late to the game, plowman, but something you'd originally posted sticks in my brain: "She never told me she was this unhappy not even close, she says I should have known she was miserable …" I guarantee that soon enough, Mr. Perfect Replacement is gonna face the exact same situation, and be expected to be a freakin' mind-reader who automatically knows how to make her happy. Sorry, but that's not gonna happen, EVER. And she'll end up tossing his butt out the door, too, because suddenly, he can't please her. the problem is not with you not being enough, but with HER for not being realistic about relationships. As much as you probably miss your married life, I honestly believe folks are better off without a partner who neither respects nor cares about him/her. And life is too short for that kind of bullshxt, trying to make someone "love" you – it's about freely exchanging that love, you know? so don't let the situation get you down, and remember, your kids are going to meet people in their lives who mean different things to them or who remind them of certain family members, but there will never, ever, ever be anyone who can replace their mama or their daddy ... hugs, q Link to post Share on other sites
scshlady Posted April 20, 2010 Share Posted April 20, 2010 When I read your post it saddened me that you would see yourself as worthless and no longer wanted to live. I have been there. It is not a good place to be. I think it's great that you are reaching out and getting help from others. It shows that you really deep down want to live and even enjoy the life that is yours. With regards to your kids, they need you! What kind of mother would choose to take 1 out of 3?! That is just not what a loving, mentally healthy mother would do. You're the normal parent. Your kids need to see you make it through this difficult time. They will learn that they can too by watching you. I hope that each day you will experience the blessings that are there for you, and that the dark clouds will blow through soon. Best wishes to you!!! Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted April 20, 2010 Share Posted April 20, 2010 Why should I not kill myself? Pretty simple, IMO. I wouldn't give the b*tch the satisfaction of knowing she affected me one little bit. Better to live, and live well, as a reminder of what she threw away Link to post Share on other sites
2.50 a gallon Posted May 11, 2010 Share Posted May 11, 2010 Plowman I saw you posted to the FL98 thread. How is it going? Yes, think positive and you will get there. If you haven't read FL98's early threads, do so! He found himself in a most cra*ppy situation, and did more than survive. Because he thought postive and put himself out there Link to post Share on other sites
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