jennie-jennie Posted April 2, 2010 Share Posted April 2, 2010 We had a discussion yesterday, MM and I, in which we talked about how everyone, including the OW, puts guilt on the MM. I too am guilty of this. Since I came to LS I have claimed the right to be an Unapologetic OW. The consensus of our discussion yesterday is that a MM has the right to claim himself to be an Unapologetic Married Man. A man who is doing the best he can under the circumstances he is in, why should he be apologetic? Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted April 2, 2010 Share Posted April 2, 2010 Or his children. Link to post Share on other sites
awkward Posted April 2, 2010 Share Posted April 2, 2010 The consensus of our discussion yesterday is that a MM has the right to claim himself to be an Unapologetic Married Man. He sounds content with the way things are, having both his wife and his other woman. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jennie-jennie Posted April 2, 2010 Author Share Posted April 2, 2010 Maybe he should ask his wife that. Or his children. You missed the point. You claim yourself to be unapologetic. If you don't feel you have anything to apologize for, then you don't. Link to post Share on other sites
Fouts Posted April 2, 2010 Share Posted April 2, 2010 Human beings will rationalize any behavior, no matter how unethical or immoral it is, it's in our nature. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jennie-jennie Posted April 2, 2010 Author Share Posted April 2, 2010 "Main Entry: un·apol·o·get·ic Pronunciation: \ˌən-ə-ˌpä-lə-ˈje-tik\ Function: adjective Date: 1834 : not apologetic : offered, put forward, or being such without apology or qualification <an unapologetic liberal>" Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted April 2, 2010 Share Posted April 2, 2010 You missed the point. You claim yourself to be unapologetic. If you don't feel you have anything to apologize for, then you don't. In your opinion. That doesn't mean that people who are hurt by whatever you refuse to be unapologetic about don't deserve better treatment. Just because I'm unapologetic doesn't mean I'm right, it means I don't care. So he doesn't care.... that's kind of a moot point. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jennie-jennie Posted April 2, 2010 Author Share Posted April 2, 2010 It is about taking a stand whether you believe you have something to apologize for or not. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jennie-jennie Posted April 2, 2010 Author Share Posted April 2, 2010 In your opinion. That doesn't mean that people who are hurt by whatever you refuse to be unapologetic about don't deserve better treatment. Just because I'm unapologetic doesn't mean I'm right, it means I don't care. So he doesn't care.... that's kind of a moot point. No, you are completely wrong. He cares very much about his wife and his family. That is why he is still there. You can still be sorry that other people get hurt because of your behavior. It is about standing up for yourself that you, who know all the details of your life, found this to be the best way to go about it. And therefore refuse to feel guilt for it, even though, as I said, you are sorry some people have to suffer the consequences. Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted April 2, 2010 Share Posted April 2, 2010 "Main Entry: un·apol·o·get·ic Pronunciation: \ˌən-ə-ˌpä-lə-ˈje-tik\ Function: adjective Date: 1834 : not apologetic : offered, put forward, or being such without apology or qualification <an unapologetic liberal>" Main Entry: pa·tron·ize Pronunciation: \ˈpā-trə-ˌnīz, ˈpa-\ Function: transitive verb Inflected Form(s): pa·tron·ized; pa·tron·iz·ing Date: 1589 1 : to act as patron of : provide aid or support for 2 : to adopt an air of condescension toward : treat haughtily or coolly 3 : to be a frequent or regular customer or client of — pa·tron·i·za·tion \ˌpā-trə-nə-ˈzā-shən, pa-\ noun — pa·tron·iz·ing·ly \ˈpā-trə-ˌnī-ziŋ-lē, ˈpa-\ adverb Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted April 2, 2010 Share Posted April 2, 2010 I guess as much as stating "I don't care how my actions affect other people!" can be considered taking a stand. I don't think anyone questions what unapologetic means in his case, I know that there are people who would be hurt by his actions and the fact that he doesn't care says a lot about who he is. He's not unapologectic enough to stand up and admit it to everyone in his life. Link to post Share on other sites
awkward Posted April 2, 2010 Share Posted April 2, 2010 No, you are completely wrong. He cares very much about his wife and his family. That is why he is still there. You can still be sorry that other people get hurt because of your behavior. It is about standing up for yourself that you, who know all the details of your life, found this to be the best way to go about it. And therefore refuse to feel guilt for it, even though, as I said, you are sorry some people have to suffer the consequences. Main Entry: sor·ry Pronunciation: \ˈsär-ē, ˈsȯr-\ Function: adjective Inflected Form(s): sor·ri·er; sor·ri·est Etymology: Middle English sory, from Old English sārig, from sār sore Date: before 12th century 1 : feeling sorrow, regret, or penitence 2 : mournful, sad 3 : inspiring sorrow, pity, scorn, or ridicule : pitiful <their affairs were in a sorry state> Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted April 2, 2010 Share Posted April 2, 2010 A man who is doing the best he can under the circumstances he is in, why should he be apologetic? Apologetic to who? His wife, who probably wouldn't like what he is doing, or to you, who he chooses not to be with full time/monogamously? If he is not concerned about either, then technically you are right - he can be as unapologetic as he likes, as long as everyone is stable and doesn't expect or want one - and I guess as long as his wife doesn't realize what is going on and doesn't realize she would even need an apology from him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jennie-jennie Posted April 2, 2010 Author Share Posted April 2, 2010 Main Entry: pa·tron·ize Pronunciation: \ˈpā-trə-ˌnīz, ˈpa-\ Function: transitive verb Inflected Form(s): pa·tron·ized; pa·tron·iz·ing Date: 1589 1 : to act as patron of : provide aid or support for 2 : to adopt an air of condescension toward : treat haughtily or coolly 3 : to be a frequent or regular customer or client of — pa·tron·i·za·tion \ˌpā-trə-nə-ˈzā-shən, pa-\ noun — pa·tron·iz·ing·ly \ˈpā-trə-ˌnī-ziŋ-lē, ˈpa-\ adverb What? (10 characters necessary) Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted April 2, 2010 Share Posted April 2, 2010 What? (10 characters necessary) Well I think none of us needed the dictionary definition of unapologetic. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jennie-jennie Posted April 2, 2010 Author Share Posted April 2, 2010 Nope. I didn't miss the point at all. If he thinks he has nothing to apologize for, he should ask his wife and kids if they agree. I personally would find that comment to be terribly insulting to both W and OW. There comes a time when you have to make your own mind up and not lean on the opinion of others. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jennie-jennie Posted April 2, 2010 Author Share Posted April 2, 2010 He sounds content with the way things are, having both his wife and his other woman. He is not faring well at all having us both. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jennie-jennie Posted April 2, 2010 Author Share Posted April 2, 2010 Yeah. Sounds like he's done a fantastic job in the last 4 years making up his own mind. He's working on it. Just because he hasn't been able to choose woman, doesn't mean he can not make his mind up on other matters. Link to post Share on other sites
awkward Posted April 2, 2010 Share Posted April 2, 2010 Yeah. Sounds like he's done a fantastic job in the last 4 years making up his own mind. He actually has. Keep both the wife and the other woman while making no apologies about it. He is not faring well at all having us both. He appears to be doing fine. His wife doesn't know and you are happy with it the way it is. It sounds like he is content. Has it really been 4 years? Link to post Share on other sites
Holding-On Posted April 2, 2010 Share Posted April 2, 2010 seriously...He's working on it??? After FOUR years? I think the word we all need to be looking up is jus-ti-fy. Look, why don't you just accept that he is a non-monogamous man (a status he has un-apologetically been choosing, by default, for four YEARS). There is nothing wrong with being non-monogamous in and of itself. I am an unapologetic non-monogamous person myself. It could be argued, however, that there is something wrong about pledging monogamy and then going around practicing something else without your partner's knowledge. That would be something most MM/MW usually feel a tad apologetic about - the going back on your vow bit. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jennie-jennie Posted April 2, 2010 Author Share Posted April 2, 2010 A lot of knee jerk reactions around here. It is a challenge actually to back off from your own point of view and try to understand that of another, especially if you are one of those who suffer from the consequences of the other's decisions. I would never have handled things like my MM does. For me to think that he might still be handling things the best way possible is challenging. To not remain the victim of his actions. To not put blame on him. You should try that, you who so frequently use derogatory words about the MM. An experiment, a new approach - you might learn something. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jennie-jennie Posted April 2, 2010 Author Share Posted April 2, 2010 seriously...He's working on it??? After FOUR years? I think the word we all need to be looking up is jus-ti-fy. Look, why don't you just accept that he is a non-monogamous man (a status he has un-apologetically been choosing, by default, for four YEARS). There is nothing wrong with being non-monogamous in and of itself. I am an unapologetic non-monogamous person myself. It could be argued, however, that there is something wrong about pledging monogamy and then going around practicing something else without your partner's knowledge. That would be something most MM/MW usually feel a tad apologetic about - the going back on your vow bit. We have discussed the benefits of polygamy. Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted April 2, 2010 Share Posted April 2, 2010 When I was a WS, I felt terrible about what I was doing to my H. It was wrong and he did not deserve it. I did plenty that I needed to apologise for to him (and to the ex-OM if honest). They suffered as a result of my actions. Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted April 2, 2010 Share Posted April 2, 2010 We have discussed the benefits of polygamy. Has he had a similar conversation with his wife? Link to post Share on other sites
Author jennie-jennie Posted April 2, 2010 Author Share Posted April 2, 2010 Has he had a similar conversation with his wife? He would have, if it was legal in our country. Link to post Share on other sites
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