Unapologetic Married Man

[jennie-jennie]

LOL I told him yesterday, you don't want your son's OW to be writing in to LS in thirty years.

[xxoo]

I am not going to go into this too deeply, just want to respond that my MM is bordering on a workaholic, so the pattern of staying away at nights was already there as far as I know before the extramarital relationship.

 

But he makes time for you?

Is he also in constant web contact with his kids while at work all evening?

 

As a wife and mother, if he is making time for you all week while essentially neglecting his kids, that is so much worse than the betrayal of extramarital sex

[jennie-jennie]

But he makes time for you?

Is he also in constant web contact with his kids while at work all evening?

 

As a wife and mother, if he is making time for you all week while essentially neglecting his kids, that is so much worse than the betrayal of extramarital sex

 

He is in constant contact with me about 12 hours a day 5 days a week and then an additional hour or two on weekend days. There is a reason we OW believe we are the primary relationship.

[anne1707]

But he makes time for you?

Is he also in constant web contact with his kids while at work all evening?

 

As a wife and mother, if he is making time for you all week while essentially neglecting his kids, that is so much worse than the betrayal of extramarital sex

 

He is in constant contact with me about 12 hours a day 5 days a week and then an additional hour or two on weekend days. There is a reason we OW believe we are the primary relationship.

 

But what about his children? How much contact does he have with them?

[jennie-jennie]

But what about his children? How much contact does he have with them?

 

Too little. This weighs on him and he does realize that choosing one woman would most likely, whoever he chooses, increase the time he is able to spend with his children. He just finds the thought of giving his kids a broken home so difficult.

[anne1707]

But he is hardly showing them how to have a healthy and happy family home as it stands now. Plus if there is ever a Dday, then he may well end up seeing the children less, e.g. every other weekend whereas now he only sees them at weekends from the sounds of it.

[jennie-jennie]

But he is hardly showing them how to have a healthy and happy family home as it stands now.

 

I have been trying to get him to see this point for four years now.

Plus if there is ever a Dday, then he may well end up seeing the children less, e.g. every other weekend whereas now he only sees them at weekends from the sounds of it.

 

I guess that is one of the things he is scared of. Although I believe fathers who have their children only every other weekend often spend more quality time with them.

[xxoo]

Doing the right thing, duty and obligation, are deeply engrained in him of what constitutes being a good man.

 

He is in constant contact with me about 12 hours a day 5 days a week and then an additional hour or two on weekend days. There is a reason we OW believe we are the primary relationship.

 

 

He believes he is being a "good man" by neglecting his children all week while finding hours for his mistress? Does not compute.

 

If he divorced, at least he'd HAVE to spend time with kids on his days/weekends. I wonder how much that has to do with his avoiding divorce

[anne1707]

If he really wanted to, he could choose to spend quality time with them now. He does seem to have a lot of (vague) plans about doing the right thing some time in the future. He could however actually man up and do something now if he really cared about this situation.

[xxoo]

I guess that is one of the things he is scared of. Although I believe fathers who have their children only every other weekend often spend more quality time with them.

 

I don't buy it. If he wanted time with his kids, first and foremost, he'd spend time with his kids.

 

When people say one thing and do another, I believe what they do. He has the opportunity to spend time with his kids now, and he does not. Why do you believe that losing time with his kids is motivation to stay married?

[jennie-jennie]

He believes he is being a "good man" by neglecting his children all week while finding hours for his mistress? Does not compute.

 

If he divorced, at least he'd HAVE to spend time with kids on his days/weekends. I wonder how much that has to do with his avoiding divorce

 

Don't forget that he was already spending a lot of time working late nights before our relationship. I don't know how much more time would actually be spent with the family if I was not in the picture. It would be more of course, but how much more?

[jennie-jennie]

If he really wanted to, he could choose to spend quality time with them now. He does seem to have a lot of (vague) plans about doing the right thing some time in the future. He could however actually man up and do something now if he really cared about this situation.

 

If it were that easy. For some people getting a divorce is really difficult. And he has already unsuccessfully several times tried to end our relationship so that does not seem to be an option.

[anne1707]

But spending time with his children should be easy for him now - if he really wanted to do that. He seems to talk a lot about doing the right thing without actually doing anything about it. At the end of the day, it is his actions which are real, not his words

[xxoo]

Don't forget that he was already spending a lot of time working late nights before our relationship. I don't know how much more time would actually be spent with the family if I was not in the picture. It would be more of course, but how much more?

 

Ok, so he was already avoiding his parenting responsibilities before the affair. Why do you believe he is motivated by loss of time with his kids?

 

Read your above post again, and imagine the viewpoint of one of his children. "We were getting the crumbs, and then she came along and took those, too."

 

Is he unapologetic to his kids?

[jennie-jennie]

I don't buy it. If he wanted time with his kids, first and foremost, he'd spend time with his kids.

 

When people say one thing and do another, I believe what they do. He has the opportunity to spend time with his kids now, and he does not. Why do you believe that losing time with his kids is motivation to stay married?

 

There are many motivations for a MM to stay married. One of them being losing the daily contact with the kids. He does see his kids during the weekdays now.

 

If we should believe what he does, he apparently prefers spending his time with me? I don't think his wife has ever gotten as much quality time as I get with him every day.

[anne1707]

But he does spend time in the same room as his wife every night. Your daily contact is not face to face.

[xxoo]

And he has already unsuccessfully several times tried to end our relationship so that does not seem to be an option.

 

Of course it is an option.

 

Jennie, you have kids, right? How do you stomach it when he is spending time with you, knowing he is neglecting his many children? That would be a huge turn off for me.

[xxoo]

If we should believe what he does, he apparently prefers spending his time with me?

 

He prefers working over spending time with his children. He prefers spending time with you over spending time with his children.

 

Still, he fathered six children.

 

What would his wife prefer to be doing, other than single-handedly raising his kids while he spends time with you? Who would step up and care for the children if she chose her daily preferences over her responsibilities to her children?

[jennie-jennie]

Ok, so he was already avoiding his parenting responsibilities before the affair. Why do you believe he is motivated by loss of time with his kids?

 

As I said, there is so much more to it. Not wanting the kids to grow up in a broken home, not wanting to abandon the woman you promised to care for for her entire life, not wanting the stigma of initiating a divorce for another woman's sake, being in social circles where divorce is not accepted as an alternative, and so on.

Read your above post again, and imagine the viewpoint of one of his children. "We were getting the crumbs, and then she came along and took those, too."

 

Probably an appropriate summary.

Is he unapologetic to his kids?

 

I don't know the answer to that question. He is a father to his children whichever woman he is with. He is not being unfaithful to them.

[jennie-jennie]

But he does spend time in the same room as his wife every night. Your daily contact is not face to face.

 

That is true, although she is usually sleeping when he comes home at night. But sure, I don't like it, I want him to get a divorce.

[jennie-jennie]

Of course it is an option.

 

Jennie, you have kids, right? How do you stomach it when he is spending time with you, knowing he is neglecting his many children? That would be a huge turn off for me.

 

The truth is that my kids in a way get neglected as well because of the nature of our relationship: the one-on-one basis. If we were a regular couple our kids could be included in our time together. I have brought this up with him.

 

I guess I stomach it as well as any woman who is together with a separated man would. A woman who is together with a man who only spends every other weekend with his children knows that is because of her, presuming he got the divorce because of their relationship.

[jennie-jennie]

He prefers working over spending time with his children. He prefers spending time with you over spending time with his children.

 

Still, he fathered six children.

 

What would his wife prefer to be doing, other than single-handedly raising his kids while he spends time with you? Who would step up and care for the children if she chose her daily preferences over her responsibilities to her children?

 

He is providing for the children. That was their deal, that she care for them and he provide for them.

[donnamaybe]

I don't know the answer to that question. He is a father to his children whichever woman he is with. He is not being unfaithful to them.

 

You say he spends LOTS of time "with" you while he is at his office; time that he SHOULD be spending attending to his work so he can get it the hell done so he CAN spend some time with his kids. But no. He plays on skype and webcam with you INSTEAD of getting his work done and going home. That's not a workaholic. That's someone who isn't tending to their work while they're at the office. And that is NOT someone who is "being a father to his children."

[donnamaybe]

He is providing for the children. That was their deal, that she care for them and he provide for them.

 

So his responsibilities end at ponying up the money? And she provides all their emotional support, care, homework help, attention, etc.?

 

I am beginning to get a VERY clear picture of this guy.

[xxoo]

He is providing for the children. That was their deal, that she care for them and he provide for them.

 

What? He told you that? What???