Unapologetic Married Man

[xxoo]

I am beginning to get a VERY clear picture of this guy.

 

Me too.

 

All I'm seeing is an extremely selfish man, who wants what he wants while looking like a "good guy" to his wife, kids, mistress, and community. Everyone is getting told what they need to hear: the kids and wife hear he is working all these hours to provide, the mistress hears that he is too good a man to leave his kids, and the community hears that he is a good husband and father. All fiction.

[bentnotbroken]

So his responsibilities end at ponying up the money? And she provides all their emotional support, care, homework help, attention, etc.?

 

I am beginning to get a VERY clear picture of this guy.

 

 

That's the way I read it too. What a gem of a (not a man), but something.

[xxoo]

He is providing for the children. That was their deal, that she care for them and he provide for them.

 

If he divorced, he'd have to actually care for his children on his days. How does that factor into his decision to stay with his wife?

[Fallen Angel]

He is providing for the children. That was their deal, that she care for them and he provide for them.

 

In my opinion, that is the unspoken deal in MOST marriages, even if people do not want to acknowledge that is how it is.

 

Personally, if the time that he does spend with his children is quality time, then it is, in my view, no worse than the hundreds of thousands of other households, where "dad" is at home a lot of the time, the family together the majority of the time, but everyone is leading separate lives in the same house, often in the same room!!!

 

I do not see why some men get special credit because they are at home by six oclock every night, but they have no connection to their children.

 

BAH, six of one, half dozen of the other...

 

I am sure many of the people offended by that statment are so offended by it because that is what they live. The only difference is your MM spoke it aloud.. oh the shame!!

[xxoo]

I am sure many of the people offended by that statment are so offended by it because that is what they live.

 

Um, no. It shocks me because I can't comprehend it.

 

My kids would never tolerate dad ignoring them--they'd pester him relentlessly for attention if he tried, but then they are accustomed to his love and care. They'd likely give up trying if they never got it

[Fallen Angel]

Um, no. It shocks me because I can't comprehend it.

 

My kids would never tolerate dad ignoring them--they'd pester him relentlessly for attention if he tried, but then they are accustomed to his love and care. They'd likely give up trying if they never got it

 

If that is the case then you are truly blessed, however the fact is that in most cases, a man is much less intimately attached with his children.

 

How often have you seen men who are in the same room with their families, yet they are doing their own thing? Every member of the household is home, yet the kids are outside playing, mom is cooking, or online, or chatting with a friend, Dad is watching sports or playing online.. all together, but very separate?? i am sure you have seen it often.

 

The problem is that families are not as close as they once were. We can condemn this one man for facing that fact, or we can all choose to act to make sure it does not happen in our own families and turn the trend back. I, for one, saw this happening much too often in all the people around me, and in my own family as well, when i was in my marriage.

 

because i didn't like what I saw happening, I have made it a priority to change it. I try to have the whole family sit and eat dinner together at least three times per week. We have a "family game night" where all electronics are shut off (no phones, ipods, computers, radios, everything) and we all play a board game together for at least two hours. But I have to make the effort.

 

There is no reason to attack this one man because he sees things as they really are. Should he change it? Perhaps, but it is not my place to pass judgement on how he and his wife choose to run their family. Obviously, the wife has the power to make changes if she wants to, why are you not condemning her for not making those changes. As you say, your kids would demand attention, why do his children not?

 

I am not trying to shift blame, but he is not solely responsible for the failure of his family, each must own their share. If they are unhappy with the way things are, each has a right, in fact an obligation, to do something about it. But that is just my opinion. (Which I know doesn't count for much on this board. )

Edited April 6, 2010 by Fallen Angel

[donnamaybe]

Sorry, but MY dad taught me and my sisters what the word "father" really means. Not only did he hold down a full time job, he was also a part time cop and a volunteer fire fighter. He also took time out for his kids; all six of us. He attended every school play and band concert with our mom. I have fond memories of being taken to the lake and my dad letting us hang onto his back while he swam; afternoons in the living room when I was REALLY little when he would bend over and make a swing out of his arms by lacing his fingers together, and he would swing me. Barbecues in the back yard with him manning the grill and playing croquet with us after we ate. 4th of July picnics with the family at my grandparents - and my dad ALWAYS played softball with us when the picnic was over and took us to the fireworks that night. Every summer he encouraged my sisters and I to pore over a section in our local newspaper that always came out annually - fun summer activities and festivals - so we could choose what we wanted to do during HIS vacation time from his job! He took us camping at LEAST once every summer. We would go out for a week with our fishing boat, tent, screen tent, cooking gear; all of it. He planned it, along with our mom, and we had a BLAST. What he was NOT doing was skulking off to spend what should have been time with his family off with some other woman.

 

I can guarantee you - my father has NOTHING to apologize for.

[xxoo]

How often have you seen men who are in the same room with their families, yet they are doing their own thing? Every member of the household is home, yet the kids are outside playing, mom is cooking, or online, or chatting with a friend, Dad is watching sports or playing online.. all together, but very separate?? i am sure you have seen it often.

 

FA, that's a snapshot. If that is all the time, it's a problem. But many actively involved families have time like this in the afternoon, but then gather for a family dinner, and then go to the park together to play soccer after dinner, then watch American Idol together before bed, then dad gets one kid to bed while mom gets another....

 

That's a normal day around here. Some time apart, some time together. But Dad is as integral to the family as anyone else.

 

And, yes, like donna, I grew up with an involved dad: family camping, sports in the park, flea marketing with dad on the weekends, drive-in theater in the summer, dad helping with homework, etc. And now he's an involved grandfather. But he also needed his hour each day alone each day to do his crossword puzzle. It's about balance.

[BlueeyedJonesy]

FA,

I admire your family ideals. My family was the rare family growing up that always spent time together...really "together" because we were dirt poor. and that was one major thing that helped me become the mother/wife/friend that I am today. My H had the father who was always at work...and never had time to spend actual "time" together. he has suffered tremendously..and we decided to break the cycle. We eat dinner at the table almost every night..cell phones aren't answered after 6;30 my H actually reads to our son EVERY night...no joke...he really is super dad. Sorry to T/J I just had to get that out there.

 

I think that people are neglecting their children more and more...alot of it has to do with technology IMO. How would JJ's MM communicate to her 20 years ago? he certainly wouldn't be up at the office all night on skype.

 

JJ, when you truly love someone you don't just sit by and watch them do something like that to their kids...I know its not your responsibility but If you are truly in love with him then you would be encouraging and inspiring him to be the man he needs to be...personally I would be completely turned off by the fact that he picks his mistress over his children. If he doesn't change something now..his children are going to have MAJOR issues in adulthood.

[anne1707]

He is in constant contact with me about 12 hours a day 5 days a week and then an additional hour or two on weekend days. There is a reason we OW believe we are the primary relationship.

 

No, not with his wife, at the office. He generally stays at his office until closer to midnight - the entire time with communication open to me through Skype and web cam. He is his own boss, so he can do pretty much what he wants to.

 

Jennie

 

It sounds like you are pretty much constantly sat at PC because of the MM. When do you have a life? When do you spend time with your children? With friends? Are you completely dependent on this man?

[Fallen Angel]

FA, that's a snapshot. If that is all the time, it's a problem. But many actively involved families have time like this in the afternoon, but then gather for a family dinner, and then go to the park together to play soccer after dinner, then watch American Idol together before bed, then dad gets one kid to bed while mom gets another....

 

That's a normal day around here. Some time apart, some time together. But Dad is as integral to the family as anyone else.

 

And, yes, like donna, I grew up with an involved dad: family camping, sports in the park, flea marketing with dad on the weekends, drive-in theater in the summer, dad helping with homework, etc. And now he's an involved grandfather. But he also needed his hour each day alone each day to do his crossword puzzle. It's about balance.

 

That is the ideal, but sadly is not the norm these days.

 

The fact of the matter is while that may be a snap-shot in YOUR family, that is most often the panoramic veiw of the MAJORITY of households these days.

 

I agree that technology has not done families any favors. Once upon a time families were very close, simply because there were no other forms of entertainment available. Way back when, the family meal was the best part of the day, people getting together, finally off their feet, chores completed, able to talk and laugh together. Church was the major social event of the week, and families attended regularly, even if it meant walking long distances to do so.

 

Along come all these "advances" where people can get chores done quickly and have a lot of leisure time, and the family starts to disintegrate. People can communicate easliy with those outside of the family home and interpersonal familial relations start to break down.

 

Transportation improves and people move away from family farther than before. The family is stretched out across the country, or farther.

 

Television brings vision of a "better life" elsewhere, and an even larger rift appears, women no longer are content being wives and mothers. Children rebel against "old fogey" thinking.. etc etc...

 

The cell phone and internet make extra-maritial affairs easier. Little Bobby doesn't want to eat with the family because the Final Four is on t.v, little Susie is sitting at the table with her iPhone talking to her friends on Facebook. Mom is planning her next blog in her head about how lonely she feels and Dad is in the den looking at online pornography of a most vile nature....

 

Technology sucks.... lol

 

Perhaps all the 'advances' we have made as a society are not all they are cracked up to be.

 

But... I am way off topic now; for which, Jennie, I apologize.

 

My point is, blaming this man for the entirety of the breakdown of his family is unfair. We are not privy to the ways of his household.

 

I know that when I was in my miserable marriage i would jump at the chance to take extra work hours, even when that meant being away from my children, just to avoid being at home, which was where i was most miserable. I sacrificed time with my kids for a little sanity outside of the home. Even when I was home, the kids and I were so unhappy that we were all living apart under the same roof. I for one would rather be alone by myself than alone with someone. So I can understand and empathize with Jennie's MM.

 

Perhaps if he did divorce, he would find a new and better relationship with his children. It is easy to see when looking from the outside in, but I know that when I was bogged down with all the trappings of an unhappy, unhealthy marriage, I did not see it either.

[pureinheart]

If that is the case then you are truly blessed, however the fact is that in most cases, a man is much less intimately attached with his children.

 

How often have you seen men who are in the same room with their families, yet they are doing their own thing? Every member of the household is home, yet the kids are outside playing, mom is cooking, or online, or chatting with a friend, Dad is watching sports or playing online.. all together, but very separate?? i am sure you have seen it often.

 

The problem is that families are not as close as they once were. We can condemn this one man for facing that fact, or we can all choose to act to make sure it does not happen in our own families and turn the trend back. I, for one, saw this happening much too often in all the people around me, and in my own family as well, when i was in my marriage.

 

because i didn't like what I saw happening, I have made it a priority to change it. I try to have the whole family sit and eat dinner together at least three times per week. We have a "family game night" where all electronics are shut off (no phones, ipods, computers, radios, everything) and we all play a board game together for at least two hours. But I have to make the effort.

 

There is no reason to attack this one man because he sees things as they really are. Should he change it? Perhaps, but it is not my place to pass judgement on how he and his wife choose to run their family. Obviously, the wife has the power to make changes if she wants to, why are you not condemning her for not making those changes. As you say, your kids would demand attention, why do his children not?

 

I am not trying to shift blame, but he is not solely responsible for the failure of his family, each must own their share. If they are unhappy with the way things are, each has a right, in fact an obligation, to do something about it. But that is just my opinion. (Which I know doesn't count for much on this board. )

 

Very good post FA, it was hurting me seeing this man get beat up verbally....I was unable to respond because there was too much emotion involved.

 

Neither of my kids had their fathers support on any level...both of them blamed this on me, that they could not handle being around the kids because we were not together. I raised my kids ON MY OWN...both financially and emotionally....this is an emotional issue for me right now because I had the ENTIRE ENCHILLADA....so your man Jennie isn't as bad as he is being communicated here...I need to be quiet, as I have said my peace and will not argue/defend/discuss this aspect any further.

[jennie-jennie]

Well, none of us are going to change your mind, so why bother. But here goes anyway...

All of the above are not reasons. They are excuses.

This man is not split-self. He's simply co-dependent.

And will stay that way as long as you let him.

 

"Co-dependent"! That's hilarious! If it was one word I detested when I was in Al-Anon it was "co-dependence"! What the f... is that?!! It is a word banned in Al-Anon's literature.

 

And even if I accepted the term, who and what would he be co-dependent on? Someone else has to be compulsively dependent on something for someone to be co-dependent on them and their addiction. So who is dependent and on what?

[xxoo]

I raised my kids ON MY OWN...both financially and emotionally....this is an emotional issue for me right now because I had the ENTIRE ENCHILLADA....so your man Jennie isn't as bad as he is being communicated here....

 

PIH, I'm sorry to hear that your children's fathers were so worthless and irresponsible. If this were a contest for who is the worst father, they'd win this round. But a father can be a bit better than that and still have lots of room to be pretty awful.

[Tony]

This whole thread has gotten way out of hand. Since I don't get paid enough to babysit it I'm just going to close it down. Sad that members don't have enough discipline to post objectively and constructively without getting into petty bickering...about something that will not affect their lives in the slightest just a few minutes later.