Another method to help stop obsessive/controlling thoughts...

[Thinkalot]

It helps us all chatting on here miow...stick with your great efforts. The bad days will come and go. It's part of the healing pattern.

[pav186]

its def the ups and downs that are most frustrating. Last night I gave into one of my compulsions and got extremely distressed and Ive been in a bad mood all day, prob still from last night. Ugh.... and

[Thinkalot]

You know pav, letting go of guilt and frustration over this is tough, but worth it if you can. Otherwise you prolong your own misery each time you stuff up, or that the thoughts get the better of you. We aren't weak people. We just happen to have our brains mucking us up a bit. It takes a strong person to acknowledge it and work to overcome it.

[miownwrstenimi]

I know how frustrating it can be when you give into the questions, and for the next few days you feel upset at yourself, and that your're never going to get better. Look at the messages I've written here lately in fact. But we are stronger people than we imagine. It takes a strong person to look internally at ourselves and admit we have a problem, and to actually try to change. A lot of people don't want to admit they're doing anything wrong, so I think we should all be proud of ourselves for admitting we do have something we want to change, and that we are taking small steps at a time to get there. Maybe after we have a bad night, we shouldn't be so hard on ourselves, and instead try to look at ways we could have handled that particular situation differently, and what we could learn by it. The more practise we have trying our "new" outlooks and ideas the better we'll get at them, so take the hard times as practise. This is what I'm trying to do anyway. And I've also learned that no matter how hard the bad days are, the good days are just around the corner somewhere. Anyway, hope you're feeling better tonite Pav, and know that we're all here for you, even me, the newcomer!! Take care....

[gaia]

pav, don't be so hard on yourself. I've noticed that you seem to get angrier with yourself when you mess up than the rest of us. Forgive yourself more!

 

As the others have said, if you focus on it too much, it keeps the thoughts in your mind and makes it more likely to spill over again. If you can accept that you've not been perfect and let it go, then you've more chance of success. We all have bad days - even me

[pav186]

hey everyone thanks for the support!!! i get angry with myself when i mess up because i feel like i should be stronger with this whole situation and its not something that i should need to talk to someone about, why am i being so hypocritical and holding a girl who i really do love to such a double standard. i guess if it is OCD that can explain it somewhat but I feel like im just making excuses.

 

btw...when i said i was in a bad mood it wasnt from being angry that i gave into my compulsion, i was upset because of all the distressing thoughts it brought back into my mind. Like all the visuals and details were there all over again...

[gaia]

We all have moments when we wonder whether there's actually anything wrong or whether we're just being weak, stupid, making excuses, whatever. It's not easy to accept that your thoughts and feelings can be altered by chemical imbalances.

 

They can!

[miownwrstenimi]

Nobody has been writing on this thread for a month, so I take it everyone is having a good month? I hope so anyway. Just thought I'd drop a short line and say hello to all, and just to say that the meds sure seem to be helping me soooooooo much. I've been on them for a month now, and so far have noticed so much of a change in myself. Even when I try to think the thoughts just to see if I'll get upset, I just don't get any reaction inside myself anymore. It just feels like something is missing, something that used to set me off. The thoughts and triggers may still come, but I just don't seem to have the connection inside my head anymore to react to them like I did. I don't know if it's just been a coincidence that I've had a good month, or if its really all to do with the meds. I just wish I didn't wait soooo long to go on them. To think how much I've suffered for the last 20 years, when I could have gotten help so much sooner and saved myself and others so much pain. Anyway, I'm sure the weekly appt.s with my therapist is helping too. Hope everyone else is doing well. And I am sure that I will have setbacks still, but right now I'm feeling great!

[Thinkalot]

That's really great to hear! I've been pretty good...few bad days...but OK overall. Keep it up!

[gaia]

miown, I'm so glad to hear you're doing well. The way you describe being on the meds is just the way it is for me too. Sometimes I try to set off an obsessional worry, just to see if I can, and it just doesn't happen any more. I hope it gets better and better

[parc]

Great thread, this thread has been very helpful and I have a situation that I would appreciate advice on. I am similar in that I need to know everything about my gf's past and me and my gf are very open and we share everything so we are completely honest with one another. We laid out our pasts on the table and I dealt with everything ok but one thing from her past that is killing me is she and one of her closest friends hooked up the first time they met and continued to be intimate with one another for a couple of months. After that they decided they were just great friends and have not had or wanted to have any intimacy with one another again. i trust my girlfriend whole heartedly and truly don't think i have anything to worry about. However, i am still very uncomfortable about the situation when i am around them or know they are hanging out. Any advice on how to deal with this if you were me and should I expect some level of respect from my girlfriend about this situation with her knowing it does make me uncomfortable or is it on me to handle? Also is this something that you think should have been shared with me at all, just curious?

[Thinkalot]

Hi there. Look, I shared similar info with my fiance some time ago, and he flipped out about it (I'm not the only one who has been prone to attacks of jealousy and insecurity in our relationship...or even just plain judgement). I thought it was up to him to deal with it, and his harsh judgement of me. He did. We even talked it through with a counsellor.

 

As for should you have been told? Well, if honesty is the policy, she probably felt safe sharing with you, as a sign of closeness. I know that's how I felt, alhtough given the experience, in the future if ever in the same situation I would probably keep a few more details about my past to myself...using tact. It's good to share and know things, and we are both totally open too...but there are some things that are best left unsaid...i've learnt anyway.

 

So yes, you need to deal with this. BUT having said that- I have ceased contact with the 'friend' I had a fling with, because I knew it made my fiance so uncomfortable. I chose to do that for him. He was really glad about it too. She may choose to do that for you too, or at least scale things back. It's a tough call...some will say we should never have to choose like that...but sometimes we do..and I think your partner should come first in those situations.

 

Also, try not to ask too many questions about the past ...I've done it so much, andit doesn't help, it only leads to more questions. Use some of the tips here to help get you through. Good luck!!

[parc]

I appreciate the response and have one further question. I do not expect my gf to end her friendship with this person because it is one of her closest friends. However I did explain to her that i was very uncomfortable about the situation and said I would deal with it to the best I could. I also asked my gf to be conscience of the fact that the situation does upset me and to act accordingly about her relationship with her friend.

 

I know you said you ended your relationship with you friend but I do not expect that at all in this situation. With that said I am not sure what type of limits I should expect...meaning should she feel that her and her friend should not go out to dinner by themselves and now should involve mutual friends..this is just an example. Again I trust my gf totally and that isn't the problem, the problem is dealing with the knowledge of the past between them. Any thoughts on what would be reasonable to expect them to do or not do about their relationship going forward and what may be unreasonable for me to expect. If you did not end your relationship with your friend what are some changes you would have made to the relationship to help your fiance deal with it? I know the question is vague but any outside thoughts on the situation would be greatly appreciated.

[Thinkalot]

Hey parc. Firstly, I do sometimes speak with that friend of mine...if he initiates contact and calls, I'll have a quick chat for example. It's probably a different situation than your gf's friendship though, because I would never say he was one of my closest friends...and we live in different places quite a distance away. It is no big deal for me to not speak with him or see him now. I see him as a part of my life which has drawn to a close.

 

As for boundaries. They are so important in a relationship, and they vary from couple to couple, because different things suit different people. It really is up to you and your gf to draw your own boundaries, which you both agree on.

 

In my opinion though, I would think it would be nice if your gf didn't mix with that friend alone now, out of respect for you. It would be nicer if it was always as partof a group or something. Or maybe, you could say lunch or coffee meetings are OK...but not a dinner meeting, which is more intimate in my view. You need to be open and discuss it and work it out together.

 

My fiance and I have drawn up our own boundaries and agreements. For example, we ALWAYS tell each other is we speak to an ex, so that we keep each other in the loop. We have also agreed to keep our contact with any exes to a minimum, as we both feel more comfortable with that.

 

We try not to talk about details of past relationships too much (although I am still guilty of asking too many questions! )... and so on.

 

I do think you can find a middle ground with your gf on this one. Something which is a compromise and suits you both. Hey in a perfect world, no of us would ever feel uncomfortable with a partner's ex...but we are human...and we naturally feel things like this. Do your best to overcome it...but from there...your gf should consider your feelings, which are pretty normal for many people.

 

Let me know how you go.