Another method to help stop obsessive/controlling thoughts...

[pav186]

hey everyone,

 

i didnt realize how widespread obsessive thoughts about ex's were. I def have the same prob with my current girlfriend. The sad thing is that i've had more previous sexual experiences than she has but for some reason thinking about her with someone else drives me crazy. I was really bad about this around new years because when i had a few drinks i asked a few questions about her past and now there seem to be all these little mental triggers. I mean she only had sex one time with one other guy but I feel like when a girl gives up her virginity its such a special thing that i jsut wish that I couldve been the the guy that she gave it to. I know she loves me and she tells me that she's never felt this way about anyone else and I know she means it.

 

But when i was asking all those questions i found out that she was drinking at the time now sometimes if she mentions a favorite drink or that she wants a certain type of beer i wonder if that was what she was drinking that night and then i think that shes thinking about that night. Even as i'm typing this i realize that its ridiculous to be this way but its kinda hard not to. Also another ridiculous thing was that I found out it was in New Hampshire, now everytime I hear that state's name or see it I think of it. Its definitely EXTREMELY irrational and i think that Thinkalot was right in an earlier post that its some type of defense mechanism, and something in the subconscious. I mentioned that it bothered me to her back in the first week of january but i dont want to bring it up again with her cuz i feel that it would be counterproductive b/c then she'd be thinking about exactly what i dont want her to be thinking about. I used to get very depressed but then i got better for about a month and then all of a sudden its been bothering me again lately.

 

It doesnt make it any easier that this guy is a family friend so i know she sees him at family functions and such. I dont know why I cant just leave the past in the past and get on with my life. I mean, I dont even compulsively think about mistakes ive made in my own life as much.

 

mateo

[Thinkalot]

Hi, if it's any consolation, I experience the triggers too. Sometimes I still do, but I'm better at overcoming the feelings/thoughts now, and they pass. Some of the triggers for me, are tiny dumb things too,so I understand.

 

But you know- you have to get control of this. It's no good saying it's hard. I KNOW it is. It's been a hard hard slog for me to get to where I am, and I STILL have bad days, and get that old sick feeling from time to time. But so much less. My life is so much better now, and happier and lighter. You can have that too, but it will take effort to control your thoughts, rather than letting them control you.

 

Please really read all the stuff I've tried, and see if it can help you. Or maybe you need to talk to a counsellor and get some suggestions which suit you.

 

Your girl isnt thinking about this guy from her past, she's loving you. Stop letting this person haunt you. They aren't worth it.

[pav186]

Hey,

 

Thanks for the quick reply... you're absolutely right. Sometimes I think I need someone who's a little stern with me because when people sympathize I feel like it validates it and makes me even more depressed. She def is not thinking about him...actually she hates him because two days after they slept together he left her for another girl so its not like she has positive feelings for him whatsoever.

 

Im dreading the day if I ever have to meet this guy at one of those family functions, esp now that me and her are getting relatively serious. I dont know how I would deal with that seeing how I get visuals already and I have no idea what he looks like. Seeing him could be a big problem.

 

It's weird because i'm typically not a jealous person in regards to being afraid she will cheat on me now. I don't have a problem with her having guys as friends. It doesnt even bother me when guys look at her when we're out together.

 

Oh well, i will definitely go back and read what you wrote and give your suggestions a shot.

 

Thanks for the quick reply thinkalot.

[Thinkalot]

Originally posted by pav186

 

It's weird because i'm typically not a jealous person in regards to being afraid she will cheat on me now. I don't have a problem with her having guys as friends. It doesnt even bother me when guys look at her when we're out together.

 

.

 

Me too.... i dont feel generally jealous either, or care if he has female friends etc....just have had trouble with my fears about the ex-wife, because of the role she has had in his life. He doesn't want to be back with her though, now he's with me! You are upset because this guy took her virginity or had some significant role in her life. Not just because he's any old guy. Andyou just have to accept that. YOU are having an even bigger role in her life RIGHT NOW Enjoy that fact.

 

I'm going on hols for a coupla weeks, but if I can help you out again, it would be a pleasure....just ask, or PM me.

 

There are some good books out there you can read too. Work on believing how special YOU are in her life.

[The flower girl]

I am so relived to find this out, I really thought I was the only girl in the world who did the ask and ask and wind yourself up questions about exs.

 

I used to be really bad but ive also got better.

 

The thing that makes no sense is I was like this with my first BF and im still like it now with my current, and really - have no reason to be this way.

 

I have never really been betrayed except once, and to be be honest, I dont think that's anything to do with jealously - , because I am really winding myself up about a women who's been there and gone.

 

Why do we get so insecure about an ex? They are.....after all an, ex?

if they where so good why are they not still here? thats what I say.

 

The way i tend to cope is to ask bad things! lol — for instance I will be desperate to ask "was she better in bed/better kisser/better body" but instead (and trust me these questions i want to ask can come and go at the oddest times! like in front of the TV, or even on holiday in the pool! there is no pattern they just come and you have to ask!!!) — instead I will ask, 'What did you not like about her," or I will start the convo with "you know your ex, the one who really hurt you, do you ever think you be with her now if she had made more of an effort?" or just something that puts a bad light on her and then focus on that bad part. If he says somthing good about her I will straight away remind him of a bad thing, and he will agree, i never leave the door open with a good comment! never! i close it right off with a bad one, so my last thought is im better! however daft it is!

 

I dont ask my ex to get rid of photos because we all have a past, but I do ask him to keep looking to the future and never to look back. (ps most of the time when you see an ex in a photo they are never as good looking as you thought too! - apart from my bfs case!!!! ---- when his ex was a nude model! I hope you feel sorry for me! -----lol)

 

Maybe getting over this jealous thing comes with age, my BF never asked me anything about my past and just smiles and says "hehehe what where you like when you where younger!" if i tell him what I got up to before him, (this annoyes me!!!!! because I dont want him to be like me but I would like some reaction! lol)

 

so maybe its just us, but the question i would loved answered would of course be, what makes me like this?

[moimeme]

what makes me like this?

 

Deep down, you are terrified that he doesn't or can't care about you as much as he did someone else. Your self-esteem is a mess. It could be that you cannot believe that you are worthy of love, so you dig for information to 'prove' that your partner prefers or preferred someone else to you. You may need meds and/or counselling to help yourself stop this pattern of behaviour.

[The flower girl]

Hi there,

yes that's a valid point, but I do not think everyone needs help who gets worried all the time, only if it becomes really bad.

These questions only come once ina blue moon, the reason i need reassurance is of course because my ex dumped me out of the blue before him with no hints something was wrong, so IM always expecting it to happen again!

 

(You can read my story under "three years down the drain" on another thread! when i talk at the end)

[The flower girl]

Hi there,

yes that's a valid point, but I do not think everyone needs help who gets worried all the time, only if it becomes really bad.

These questions only come once ina blue moon, the reason i need reassurance is of course because my ex dumped me out of the blue before him with no hints something was wrong, so IM always expecting it to happen again!

 

(You can read my story under "three years down the drain" on another thread! when i talk at the end)

 

I think that says it all really once you have read it heheh.

[gaia]

Hi. Am new to LS and just found this thread. I have had obsessive compulsive disorder for years. It took a long time to realise what it was, so I didn't get help for a long time. When I met my boyfriend (now husband) 11 years ago I was exactly the same as Thinkalot and most of the people who have joined this thread. My BF was so overwhelmed with my constant obsessing and demands for security, that he couldn't handle it and we split up 3 times in the first three months - which didn't help!!!

 

Over the years he got used to it and as the relationship got stronger I gradually became more trusting and less jealous (and I mean gradually!). On my wedding day I drove my bridesmaid mad obsessing that he wouldn't turn up at the church!

 

Over the last seven years, this side of the OCD has become a lot less troublesome but it has attached itself to other things. I became so obsessed with thoughts that I'd harmed other people (eg daft thoughts that I had knocked cyclists off their bikes while driving, that my daughter may have banged her head while I wasn't looking and die of a brain haemorrhage, that I'd made a wrong decision at work and it would lead to someone's death etc etc etc...) that eventually I couldn't do my job.

 

One morning I woke at 4am and felt so anxious that I couldn't stop shaking. My husband made me go to the doctor (even tho' I didn't think they would be interested) who was absolutely marvellous, signed me off work and put me on medication (SSRIs). I was lucky that I got Cognitive Behaviour Therapy almost straightaway and the combination of drugs, therapy and the support of people close to me (whom I could never thank enough) have helped enormously.

 

I can honestly say that for about 10 months I have not been significantly troubled by OCD.

 

My advice to others would be:

 

1. Don't suffer for years - if you are spending hours a day thinking like this, you have a problem so seek help.

 

2. Medication is not evil - it really helped me.

 

3. CBT is the best form of therapy for this. If you are obsessive anyway, being too analytical about your past is prob best avoided, so any Freudian stuff is out. The techniques that Thinkalot mentions are (I assume) all from her CBT. (Hope you don't mind me speculating, Thinkalot!) What I found most useful was detachment, but it takes a while to get the hang of. Your mind feels like it is desperately trying to make you think about what you don't want to think about. Detachment is about not fighting it but not engaging in consciously thinking about it either.

Postponing the worry until a specific part of the day is also good.

 

4. Talk to friends if your partner is fed up of it. I was lucky to have some really good ones. If noone will listen, talk to LS. Plenty of people here will understand!!!

 

5. Self esteem is an important factor. Most people with this worry seem to be subconsciously convinced that they are somehow unworthy of their partner's love. There are self help books available or CBT addresses this too.

 

Hopefully this will be useful to some people, even if only to show that you can have this problem for years and still get better with help.

 

To people who have never experienced OCD or known someone close with it, it can sound trivial. It isn't. It makes lives miserable and sometimes leads to suicide. Don't suffer in silence.

 

Oh, and the other thing that helped me was to take the piss out of myself. I don't know why, but if (just occasionally) you can laugh at your thoughts they lose some of their power.

[dlb311]

This is my first visit to this post. I have been dealing with a break up and a reconsilation for the past 6 months. My boyfriend and I were together for 2 years. I couldn't imagine or ask for a better relationship. It wasn't perfect but for me its was so rewarding. I met someone I got so along with he was my best friend and we had the same hopes and dreams. He had been asking me to live with him for the a year and half so finally I felt ready I was going to be 22 and so he was going to move in with me. He practically already did. But a month before the move in date he told me he wasn't happy out of the blue. I was like what? I had been going through depression. I would cry for no reason I felt like I just wanted to die. He tried to help but nothing made me feel better. the thought of him and our future was the only thing keeping me holding on. I seeked help I got on meds and was seeing a therapist every week. But then I started to wig out because I knew he wasn't happy. I thought he was going to leave me. He was scared of moving in we are young he is 24 and thats a big discision. So finally after a month he broke things off. He said he was sorry and this is not what he wanted but didn't know what else to do he just wants to be happy. And he knows he will regret it because I am the best friend and girlfriend he has ever had.

 

Well it was so hard because I wanted and had no doubts he was the one I wanted to marry. it took a couple months but I finally moved on was dating and met some people I was interested in getting to know. I think he started to realize I was moving on. I wasn't calling him I wasn't e-mailing him like he asked me constantly to do. And I e-mailed and said I think I figured it out. You were scared of the moving in it was to fast. I said I love you so much I want this to work I want to work this out and date and plan day to day instead of years....he replied with I would love to see you but I don't want to lead you on. I never replied I had met someone that made me feel free of the pain. I knew he wasn't the one but he made me get my self confidence back. I felt so proud to be me again. So he comes back wants to take me to dinner and a movie. I knew that it was more I know him. I went of course and we had such a great time. he said he was still not sure I said good bye leave me alone you can't do this to me. He said he wanted to date me. I said we can try....

He called and called.....and he took me out one night and I told him that if he wants this to work this is it no more if it doesn't work this time I am moving on and never looking back. He said I know I want this and only this. I love you and I am sorry I don't know why I left except I was scared. He said you are the one and I don't want to date others just you. you are the only one. I said okay. So for the past two months things have been great. He calls all the time take me out all the time. Well the past two weeks he just bought a new house and he has alot going on. I felt negliected. So I started freaking out my insecuties came and hit me right in the face and I didn't know what to do. I got jealous and over reacted. He seemed to just stand back and give me space. I asked him if he had a change of heart about us and he said no I said do you want this to work he said yes.

But I keep finding myself over reacting. Like I am not getting the five phone calls a day or the wonderful texted messaging I was. I got back on me med and I am seeing my therapist again.

 

I feel I have finally figured out the problem. I am obsessive and scared and I feed into my fears. I am so use to nothing working out that I am so scared he is going to leave again. I know that if I express this it will put strain on our relationship like before and I may push him away. Not what I want at all. He said he just wants the future to happen. Which I can understand since it scares him. Like most men. some woman too... I am trying to find ways to not have the constact panic attach. I haven't been able to eat more then one meal a day for a whole week. I considered breaking things off thinking he was going to so I should before him. But that is crazy he doesn't seem to be going in the direction. And if he is then let him. At least I know I was better off. I really want to try some one of the things you have posted on here. I really need to focus on myself and realize that I am worth it if he was to leave he would be the loser not me. like he said before I was the best friend. He told my Aunt after we broke up that he felt a part of him is missing now that I am gone. I hope we make it but I really need to let go of my fears. anyone have anymore advice I could really use it.

Sorry so long. just wanted to explain what I have been going through. When I don't get the reaction I want I freak out. I need to control myself alot better. I can do it I want to do it because I love him so much I would hate to let this get in the way.

[gaia]

Firstly, I think you have made the right decision going back on your meds and back to your therapist. From your story, it sounds like you were depressed when the relationship was OK, so you are prob vulnerable to this. No sense in making it any harder than it is - get all the help you need.

 

Don't break it off - this is just your reaction to the uncertainty. Sometimes it's so hard to cope with worrying about what might happen, it's almost easier to settle it one way or the other, even if it's not what you want. But I'm sure you can sort this out.

 

Secondly, if you continually question him you run the risk of him getting fed up with you. Even if he doesn't, you'll worry more about it, which will make the problem worse. Have you got a good friend who will listen to you. If so, talk to him/her instead. If not, talk to this site. Get a bit of paper and write on it all the reasons you shouldn't question him:

1. You know what he'll say

2. You'll only make yourself feel worse

3. You'll drive him away

Add any others - it's your list.

When you feel a question coming on, go to the loo and read your list instead.

 

Thirdly, you are asking to calm the anxiety you feel. But it doesn't last and it just serves to make you feel that that's the only way you can feel better. Try just leaving the question in the air - do nothing. Chances are you'll be distracted soon or he'll say something which lets you know he loves you.

 

Hang on in there, girl. You can do it!

[dlb311]

Gaia

I totally understand thanks for the pointers. I know how I get so once I have noticed I reacted or brought something up I freak that I realize what I have done but I already did it and he will leave. But I haven't gone to him. I let him know once and that was it. I told him it was hard for me because he has left and I don't want him to leave again. He said not to worry that I worry to much. Maybe that is why he is keeping his distance because I was freaking out. But I have to show him that I am stable and that I wont push him away. I have caught myself twice the past weekend but he seemed to just blow it off he said I want this. and just relax and give me a minute. Because I bought him something expensive for his new house and he opened it and started playing with it and I felt like he didn't even appriciate it but he did he was just want into playing with his new to. A coffee capacino and expresso machine a real real nice one. He is way into coffee.. Anyway I said well I am going home and he stoped me and said what is wrong I said I don't know you didn't even seem happy and say thanks baby... he said give me a minute I was enjoying it I am sorry. I said I am sorry too I over react just hit my upside the head when I get like that and jokingly he he did. And he seemed to just let it roll off. So hopefully no more out burst I am trying to control it the best I can. But I also hope that when I slip up he will not run away. But I need to just keep things cool and not worry its good.

 

Thanks for the advice I really need to work on myself.. So my wonderful relationship will stand the test of time.

[gaia]

Good luck

[dlb311]

I just saw that my boyfriend got an e-mail from some girl that last week sent him this scary card saying she can't wait to see him and she can't stop thinking about him. He told me that he doesn't want anything to do with her. But she told him she was sending him something so she needed his address.

this is what she wrote I think she is wacked out by what she writes

 

 

Hey baby! Mwah!!! Can't wait to give you a kiss!!!

 

 

 

To hate is to love but to love isn't to hate. To hold is something that'll be there forever. To lose is something that hurts from the inside out.

[gaia]

He may want nothing to do with her, but the feeling is clearly not mutual. Don't read his emails! You'll only find things to set you off worrying again. If you feel he's worth trusting, trust him.

[dlb311]

thanks I am going to try I am just going to trust and keep my eyes open... not say anything to him.. the truth will come out if he isn't faithfull....

[Thinkalot]

Hi gaia! Lovely to have you on board and your advice and input is most welcome.

 

I have some new questions on the subject, and when I have some time today plan on posting a new thread, so please feel free to add your thoughts too.

[Thinkalot]

Another helpful thing....try and inform your partner, friends family, whoever, about what is going on for you, and that way you are more likely to gain their understanding and support. If you actually obsess like me, try and explain that sometimes it is an actual physical/chemical problem which you are seeking to overcome. Not everyone is obsessive, but sometimes we can lapse into obsessive thinking, where thoughts get stuck. Some advice listed in my other thread here, "what makes someone become obsessive" is really worth reading too, if you have this problem. There is also a good website listed in that thread.

 

Smiles to you all

Thinkalot.

[Thinkalot]

Originally posted by gaia

. Get a bit of paper and write on it all the reasons you shouldn't question him:

1. You know what he'll say

2. You'll only make yourself feel worse

3. You'll drive him away

Add any others - it's your list.

When you feel a question coming on, go to the loo and read your list instead.

 

 

By the way, I LOVE THIS SUGGESTION!!! I am going to make my own list right now and actually carry it with me! It works perhaps, in a similar way to having the book to write questions down in, and delays asking, which would only more tension all round.

[gaia]

I did the book thing as well. I found it years later and read it. It really helped me understand why my husband was so irritated with me - reading it, I even annoyed myself! I do think it helps at the time though - it gets those thoughts out of your head, it forces you to recognise them for what they are. When the urge to ask was really bad, I'd make a deal with myself - that I'd write them all down and look at them a week later - if any of them still seemed important, then I'd ask. It was amazing how many seemed much less urgent.

[Thinkalot]

Yes gaia- I've already read over some questions from a few weeks back and they seem so silly!

 

I should have taken the book with me to Japan!

 

I'd be so embarassed if anyone read what's in the book

[Thinkalot]

Yes gaia- I've already read over some questions from a few weeks back and they seem so silly!

 

I should have taken the book with me to Japan!

 

I'd be so embarassed if anyone read what's in the book

[gaia]

Me too

[miownwrstemime]

I just decided to go on the computer today to find out is there was any information on being obsessively jealous, and low and behold I found this site. I've read what all of you have been writing, and see myself in each of you. Not only have I got obsessive jealous thoughts about my bf's past, but of girls we just pass on the street, at his work, or even on t.v. It just seems so ridiculous and immature, but I just can't let go of these thoughts, even though he gives me no reason to have them. I feel some relief to know I'm not alone, after reading your notes to each other. I'm going to try some of the methods and ideas I've read, and hope I get some small results.......

[gaia]

I hope you find them helpful . Please come back and post again if you need any more help. There's no shortage of experience on this one!!!

 

GOOD LUCK