Another method to help stop obsessive/controlling thoughts...

[gaia]

Best of luck, miown. Let us know how it goes

[miownwrstenimi]

I am so teed off right now! I just had to write it down here. My hubbie is just being a jerk tonite. I reminded him I had my dr's appt. tomorrow night, and he gave me such a hard time, as he would have to drive me there and back(I don't have a license, and there's no buses here where we now live), and he doesn't want to have to wait the hour while I'm in there. He said things like, What do I need to see that Quack for????,,,,,and He thinks all my problems are solved now because I'm no longer "obsessed" over that girl at work I was always questioning him about....and he's like saying things about writing here on the computer to people. He was just really negative and made me feel like sh*t tonite. I was soooo positive before, and ready to face this, and get help, and now he makes me feel like I should keep it to myself and not confide in him, because he'll think I'm just a big pain in the ass, and I'm nuts or something! AWWWWW!!!!! I already explained about the obsessive thing before to him, but it's like he doesn't listen, and I have to go over it again and again and explain why I want to go to the doc to talk and get help....Sorry to bother y'all, but I had to vent....I think I'll just try and find a doc closer to home, and take a taxi back and forth, so I don't have to depend on him.....Blah! Bad night now!!!!

[Thinkalot]

Oh that is hard for you. No doubt about that.

 

If I can try and explain how your husband may be feeling, to make it easier for you to understand his side.

 

People who don't suffer what we have CANNOT KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE. They just can't, even if they try to.

Plus, they are coloured by ideas which have long been floated around society, that people can control their own minds if they really want to and so on. It's hard to not be jdugemental.

 

Plus, people's tolerance threshhold has limits. And sometimes our partners just can't take it anymore, and they don't have the patience to hear about it, in fact, they don't even know why they should have to! They just want peace and quiet and a 'normal' life.

 

I had a bit of a setback myself last night, and my partner got tense with me...I was upset about it, and frustrated with myself, because i know he has already dealt with so much.

 

I'm very lucky that he has supported my treatment all the way, even when it has been expensive for us. I

m lucky he has tried to learn about OCD and understand. That he realised it's something I want to fix, andneed to fix, and something which is not a weakness, but a type of illness.

 

But even he has his limits, and there have been times where he has yelled and sworn at me and called me names. The tension inside him just explodes.

 

So I'm very sorry you've had a rough time of it. But that is probably why. Try and maybe give him material to read on OCD when he is feeling calm and relaxed. Pick your time to try and explain. I hope you don't need to get taxis! I hope he can try and understand.

 

moimeme also has some great resources on this type of thing and how to handle it. She has helped me a great deal.

 

hang in there...stay positive. bad times will come and go...but they'll get less.

[moimeme]

Perhaps your doctor will be willing to speak to your husband and explain to him what you're dealing with. A lot of people are badly misinformed about ailments of the brain, unfortunately. Many folks think it's just about 'wrong thinking'. That is the wrong thinking.

[miownwrstenimi]

Thank you for listening to my venting the other night! The next morning my hubbie did phone from work early in the morning to apologize for the night before and say he was completely wrong. He said he was just so tired and worn out from all the overtime he had done the day before and that day, that he was just in a miserable mood. Thank God! I felt so much better, because It really surprised me the way he was talking to me, and being soooo negative. He said he had no idea how I felt, and it was up to me if I wanted help, and if I felt I needed it, he would support me. Whew! He had me worried for a night. But you are right, people who do not have this truly do not understand it, and are just so sick of "us" always bothering them with questions, I think they just want it to go away, and pretend the problem doesn't exist. It's been 5 days now with no obsessive jealousy over that girl at his work, and I feel so free! Enjoy it while it lasts right???? Thinkalot, I like your new picture, its so cool! I am still going to my doc next week instead, and he will drive me to and from, until I do get my driver's license. That is something that I believe will boost my ego, and give me some selfesteem, when I get my own license. I believe self esteem has alot to do also with the jealousy issue. Anyway, Happy Easter to all, and enjoy the long weekend! Thanks for replying to my bad night! Miown....

[miownwrstenimi]

Moimeme, thanks for that advice about having my hubbie meet and talk to my doc. I think that is a wonderful idea actually. It will be better explained by him than me, and I'm sure he'll listen more to the doctor than to me....

[Thinkalot]

I'm glad things are better with your husband.

 

Check out a link on OCD in the thread I posted here about hitting a 'plateau'....it may help you and also help your husband understand.

[miownwrstenimi]

I haven't visited this site in the last few days with it being Easter and all, and I just thought I'd check in and see how everyone was. Knock on wood, I still haven't had my oc thoughts return yet.....But I've had so much insight from this thread that I can't believe it. I've realized so many previous obsessive things I've done in my life, even in the last few years, and I never associated them with me having a disorder, I just always thought I was weird, or put too much pressure on myself. I am going to my family doc next week to see if he can set me up with a specialist who deals with this disorder, as I don't really feel the person I had started to see a while ago was the "right" one for me. Anyway, one day at a time, and I hope to hear from you......

[Thinkalot]

Good for you. I tried a couple of people before I found someone who seemed 'right' for me.

[Samantha16]

It feels so good to know that other people feel that same as I do. My issue is with my boyfriend. We broke up a couple times through the past 3 years. and each time he's had a little fling. And it is so hard for me to get over the fact that he was interested and with someone else at those times. I feel like I have to know EVERY detail, and every emotion he felt, and every word that was said. I want to know who, what, where, when, why, and everything in between!!!

How do I deal with this? How do I get OVER this. I do it to be reassured that he loves me and not anyone else. But i still have not been reassured and it causes so many conflicts between us.

what do i do?

[Thinkalot]

Samantha...read through this thread! Especially the advice given by various people at the start...lots of methods which may help you out.

Good luck! You'll get there if you try hard.

[miownwrstenimi]

Well, I blew it last night! I was wondering how long it would be before the old questioning would start again....I thinkk I've probably lost my hubbie this time..he seemed soooo mad and told me that he couldn't take it anymore, and that he had to leave this relationship. I told him I don't blame him, and that it is not his fault, that the problem is mine, and that I'm soo sorry. I've been doing sooo good for the last while, and then last night, I gave in to my urge, and asked about that girl at work: whether he'd spoken to her lately, or anything new with her. First mistake right? I should have just let the question float around for a while, and not asked then, and later it would have not seemed so important. I can think of these things after the fact, but sometimes, I just can't stop myself from asking. So he just told me he'd talked to her for a few minutes a month ago about her splitting up with her hubbie, something trivial like that, and that was it,,,I launched into the questions, and accusations, "I thought you didn't ever talk to her...blah, blah, blah! Well, he had no patience for me at all, and lost it. Banging fists on counter top, yellling, can't say I blame him though. Anyway, having a bad day today, feel really down, and I've probably lost everything now I'm sure, my beautiful home, family torn apart, everything....damn this sucks! Even if he does calm down, and decides to try again with me, I feel I've lost him anyway, he's just been pushed away so many times by me, that I think hes been pushed too far, and is scared and hesitant to love me or let me in. The only good news I have, is that I went to my family doctor last night (before this happened) and he prescribed me something called "paxil" I don't know if any of you have heard of this, but if you have please let me know. I can't take it till I stop breastfeeding my little one though. And I've been recommended a therapist through my doctor that works out of the same clinic and it's just around the corner from my home. So thank goodness Ic an walk there, and not worry about having to get drives. I phoned her today, and she sounds wonderful.. She works 7 days a week if needed, and told me she's available 24 hours a day if I need her.....wow! She also is only charging a low fee according to my income....yeah! so she sounds like she'll be good, and I can go frequently....My only hope I guess....Well, thanks for listening, I'm scared and feeling really down today and frustrated with myself....I guess I am really my own worst enemy aren't I, like my user same says..

[gaia]

miown, I'd missed that you'd just had a baby. This may well be why it's so bad right now. My OCD went through the roof after I had my daughter. A combination of hormones and increased responsibility, whatever. It was hell. I feel for you so much.

 

I hope you can sort things out with your man. We do put them through it, but I sometimes feel they don't understand how much worse it is for us to have this crap in our heads all the time. Paxil is an anti-depressant/anti-obsessional drug which I believe is called Seroxat in the UK (proper name paroxetine). It is v effective for depression/OCD but there has been a lot of adverse publicity about it being difficult to get off. There are other drugs in this class (SSRIs) which have much less in the way of discontinuation effects - you may want to Google it and see if you like the sound of the others better.

 

I don't know how old your babe is, but if this were me and I was in danger of my life going down the toilet, I'd ditch breast feeding and take the meds. There are undoubtedly benefits to breast feeding, but there are more benefits IMHO to having an intact family and a happy, sane mother.

 

Glad you've got a therapist - this will help+++ if my experience is anything to go by. If you feel questions coming on, type them in here instead. Pm me if you want to. Or let your man read this board so he understands you're not the only one and others have been there and got better. Surely he doesn't want to go now unless it's absolutely irretrievable.

 

I wish you the best of luck.

[pav186]

i feel for you mio, i know exctly what its like to have to ask questions. you just cant help it because you feellike you need to know the answer and everything will be fine. But once you ask it it just triggers an avalanche of new questions and anxiety. Ive been there, actually im still there and trying to get better. I have asked my gf every single little detail about her past which for some reason concerns me greatly...insecurity im told is the reason... i feel like im the only guy with this problem which makes me feel even worse, plus the depression and the crying episodes that ive been having lately make me feel like im no man at all.

 

the weird thing is that for me, even though a particular question may go away, a new one will come into my mind and its the new cycle all over again. Ive been trying to be on my best behavior lately. Somewhere on this board I posted how when I start obsessing i become extremelycold to my gf, i mean an absolute jack ass to her and she doesnt deserve it at all. But for some reason its difficult for me to control because once the obsessing kicks in i literally feel a wave of something go over me, the best description would be coldness/lack of empathy or emotion perhaps. So the past few days ive tried to do something nice for my gf when i start obsessing as some sort of attempt to change the effect the OCD has on me. I have no idea if it will work or is even a valid way to handle the problem but i have yet to see someone about it... (8 days until my diagnosis appt )

 

but i just wanted to lend my support to you because i know how hard it can be when the questions reach a boiling point, you dont know what to do but to ask the question. this relieves the anxiety but that only reinforces the behavior...thus the vicious cycle. its the exact same reinforcement that OCD checkers get when they have to recheck the lock on their door for the 20th time. They *know* its locked and you *know* the question is dumb and pointless but it doesnt make the anxiety any less real, it is only natural that you feel the inclination to act in a way that will relieve that anxiety.

 

ive posted this link before but here it is again if you havent checked it out, i highly recommend it...

http://www.ocdonline.com/articlephillipson1.htm

[miownwrstenimi]

Thankyou for your replies. Things are really cool here still, hubbie sleeping in the basement and staying down there when he gets home from work....guess he needs a break from me. I did tell him about starting paxil, and going to see a therapist. But, I must honestly say, that I feel he deserves better than me. I almost wish he would notchange his mind about us breaking up, and that he doesn't give me "another chance". I feel he could have such a happier life without me weighing him down with all this sh*t...the questions, harrassment, jealousy. I'm not saying this for sympathy, just reality. I stop him from just living an easygoing life, and laughing and living in peace. I really think that I should probably be on my own, and get my head together, lots of therapy, before I involve someone else in a relationship. I don't want to put him thru this anymore, and I don't want to go thru this anymore either I guess. Can you tell I'm feeling down today still? I just don't understand how this obsession started, as most of you have obsessions about people in your significant others pasts....my obsession is with a girl at his work that he doesn't even really know, or have much to do with. He's never gone out with her, or anything. I've just grabbed onto her for some reason and flipped. When I ask if there is anything new with her, or if he's heard any new stuff about her at work, and he tells me something, something really insignificant, thats it, I have to ask details...and I get jealous. Why??????? He's never said he's interested in her, or that he wants to go out with her, he just told me that she's an attractive girl, and that she has a nice body...because I asked what she looked like...It just doesn't make sense to me...I just want this to go away and let me live my life in peace. After going and seeing her, I thought it would be over...I mean she was okay, but just a girl, nothing that spectacular. I knew the thoughts would find a way to come back though, they always do. At least I had a few weeks of calm. Oh well, one day at a time, and pray for the paxil to work!!!!!!Thanks for listening.....

[gaia]

I'm so sorry it's dreadful - just remember, you didn't ask for this wretched illness any more than he did. He's already deeply involved - you've got a baby. Don't wish the relationship over just to get through the uncertainty. You CAN get through this. You're doing all the right things. Just give it a couple or three weeks to kick in.

 

Don't worry that your worries are irrational. They often are. If I told you some of mine, you'd be amazed that anyone could be so stupid. Don't spend so much time trying to figure it out - you're just encouraging your mind to keep coming back to it. When thoughts of her come into your head, try as hard as you can not to enter into any kind of debate with them. Try to just think "this is another of those stupid thoughts. If I do nothing with it, it can't hurt me". Don't analyse it, don't fight it, don't try to push it out - just let it be. It's incredibly difficult and makes you feel like s*** at first, but once I got the hang of it, it worked for me. But I was also on meds.

 

It IS possible to get better - I did, and I'd been bonkers for years! I hope your man starts giving you the support you need and deserve soon.

[miownwrstenimi]

Thank goodness for this site, I don't know what I would honestly do without all the support I have found here! I checked out the site pav recommended, and learned alot, as well as listening to your suggestions and personal success gaia. I am going to try one of the ideas I read on the site: when the thoughts come, don't try to rationalize them, because that just starts the ruminations. I'm just going to say, " okay, so what if what I'm obsessing about happens, maybe it will, but Im just going to risk it and see what happens". I've been doing this all morning, and have not been going thru the whole process of analizing each thought, so that's a bit of a relief. The thoughts seem to come more, but the ruminating isn't so much. That's what they say is supposed to happen, until the brain realizes that the fear is not so strong, and the thoughts come less and less. Hope it works....and I have to try and stop feeding into my ocd by asking my bf the questions, as this just starts it over again....tough stuff this is., but I guess it makes us stronger people in the end, right? Hope the meds work for me like they did for you Gaia....I'm so glad to hear of your success, and I don't care if I have to be on them forever, as long as I have peace in my life. Bye for now.....

[gaia]

That site of pav's is great. It's amazing when you read something that rings so true that the author could have got inside your head to write it. I always wonder about these people and whether they also have OCD. Seems amazing that they can understand it so well if they haven't.

 

Well done, miown, believe me, I know how hard it is to do this stuff at first. But you are definitely on the right track - if you can do it for the first day that's brilliant. The first day is the hardest by far. I'm so glad you're feeling more in control. I wish I'd discovered this site when I was really struggling with OCD - I'm sure I would have found getting better easier.

 

Hang on in there, girl

[Thinkalot]

Hi.,.I've been off the site for a couple of days now...

 

miow...sorry it's this bad right now...believe me I too know exactly what it feels like when those questions just boil over and you can't keep your mouth shut!!!

 

I did ask something stupid myself just this morning. Luckily, with the help of my meds, and the methods I have learnt though, I can get control of it pretty quickly now. So as soon as my guy said "Please don't ask those questions"...I shut up...I stopped it right then and there! It was hard at the time, but gee I feel better about it now.

 

I think your husband needs to read up on OCD...maybe even read this site. It has helped my guy understand. Sometimes he still explodes too. And says he just wants peace! And I then feel awful, just like you.

 

But we are loveable people, despite this OCD. We have much to offer our loved ones, and they have much to offer us. And we have the strength and courage to fight this condition, which is also admirable.

Please don't be too hard on yourself, it adds to your anxiety and makes it worse.

 

I'm probably not as advanced in my recovery as gaia , but I am in a much better place than I was just 4months ago, which is when I first started my meds and therapy. I mean MUCH better. It's taken effort and strength, and yes, my guy has sometimes exploded, and yelled at me, and sworn at me, and even called me names when it gets too much for him...but we've learned to work together most of the time, and our love is strong and true...if anything, the fact he is still with me, and loving me, shows me how much he really loves me.

 

You husband needs time to cool down right now and he probably needs some space till his inner frustration simmers down. But that does not mean the end of your marriage.

 

You can make it through this! Keep up all your good efforts! It's hard at the start, and even down the line you have setbacks...but little steps forward miow...and you'll get there!

 

And pav...hope you are having a good week this week. Thinking of you too.

[miownwrstenimi]

Well, after leaving him alone for a few days, he has calmed down, and has said that he doesn't give up that easily, so my hubbie is still standing beside me for now. I've been feeling really anxious the last few days, I guess so much has happened now, with me starting meds and a new doctor and all. Plus just trying this new approach to my thoughts. I'm letting the thoughts come, and not fighting them, just saying "whatever it is I'm thinking might be true, but I'm going to risk that he will still come home to me, andlove me". Does this make sense to anyone? I'm just scared I'm going to be replying to myself in some wrong fashion. Anyway, one day at a time, and hopefully I can reach the place where you both are Thinkalot and Gaia....

[reggio]

I just wanted to say to thinkalot,

 

Give yourself a lot of credit for being so insightful, willing and sharing.

 

God bless you and your husband!

[gaia]

I'm so glad he's still around and standing by you. Things are going to get better from now. You've started meds and you're doing EXACTLY the right thing with the thoughts. I'm so impressed - it's not easy!

 

Your increased anxiety is likely to be due to the fact that you have stopped taking "evasive action" ie questioning, ruminating. It's bound to flare up at first, but just as the questioning gets you into a downward spiral, so NOT questioning will get you into an upward spiral. It should just keep getting better, but don't worry if you have a bad day - like me on one of my diets, you just have to accept you're human and start afresh!

 

The other thing that may be contributing to your anxiety is the medication - sometimes in the first couple of weeks your anxiety level can go up not down. It goes down after that, so it's not an indication you won't get better but it can be unpleasant. I had it. If it gets really bad, you could go back and see your doctor about getting something to calm you for a few days til the meds have kicked in properly. I'm sure the meds will start having the desired effect soon.

 

You are doing so well, miown - good on you

[Thinkalot]

I second that miown! Good for you! I'm so pleased to hear the progress, and that your husband is standing by you. I'm sure he loves you very much.

[Thinkalot]

At the risk of sounding self-absorbed, or obsessed with my obsession, may I ask those of you who suffer this problem, and those of you who don't, if you ever feel a bit frustrated and sorry for yourself, and well like a 'victim'. Sometimes I'm afraid I do. I don't always realise it, but my bf tells me I do. ie, "I'm sick of being the one with all the problems to fix, and the one who is apparently the most flawed...It's like you must think I am less than you....whine whine". My bf has repeatedly assured me he thinks no less of me. So I guess I'm just having a bit of a tantrum or something from time to time!

[miownwrstenimi]

Thanks for the encouraging words. Yesterday was a super hard day, but today seems to have gotten better. I do think alot has to do with the meds, and knowing that I'm trying a new approach and starting to take action, like you said Gaia, and this puts the "problem" in the forground of my mind right now, causing anxiety. You're so conscious of every thought you have, because you know you are working on yourself. I already feel like the meds have taken some of the edge off, when I have the thoughts, but it's only been a week I've been on them, so that's too soon to feel something I would think, maybe it's my imagination. Thinkalot, I love your picture, very flattering! You guys are truely wonderful to talk to, and are my best medicine(after the paxil that is!) a person could have....