You guys might burn me at the stake but...

[DontWorryBHappy]

I'm ceasing no contact. Permanently.

 

When I got out of my relationship with my ex he was one of the few dumpers that still talked to me often. Even right after the breakup he was texting me at least a few times a day to ask what I was up to, how my day was, and just to make conversation. The whole time I was very distraught... I loved (and still love) him and wanted (and want) him back. I read online about how no contact could be used as a way of getting my ex back (yes, I know it's mainly just for your own healing... but let's be honest, there are people using it to try and get their ex back).

 

So I sent an NC message basically telling him to not contact me for now. I let 5 days go by before I realized it just isn't for me, at least not in this situation. I realized that NC would definitely not get this person back to me.... Instead, I'm now dealing with a different fear: that I pushed my ex away. When I finally got back in contact with him yesterday he was glad to hear from me... told me he was quite sad when I sent the NC message. And causually mentioned that it made him feel scolded and betrayed. I apologized and told him I was confused, wasnt sure what to do (which was very true), and I hoped I didnt push him away.

 

Now I'm unsure if things will just bounce back. Before I went NC I know he had an attachment to me, particularly since we had never gone a day without speaking. I suppose only time will tell.... and maybe this needed to happen to teach me something. I learned that the best way to act is always out of love. Before I was eating up trash material about getting an ex back that involved schemes and manipulation.... But you know what? Those things dont work on someone who actually has him or herself together. People that have their **** together only respond to things that are genuine.

 

In conclusion, go NC if you need to HEAL.... and if it is exclusively for YOU. That is what NC is for. But DO NOT go NC for the purpose of getting your ex back.

Edited April 3, 2010 by DontWorryBHappy

[nobmagnet]

hello,

 

you last comment is correct IMO. Nc is not to get them back it is for you to have time to heal if the relationship is over.

 

Sometimes it does work if they have strong feelings for you but no its for healing.

 

Everybodys split up is different because people are different. If this guy is a true freind then he wont be put off by this though. If he really wants you he would do anything to get you back. DONT forget that. So if a little NC put him off.............he just isnt that into you.

 

 

Just my oppinion

 

Nobby:love:

[spriggig]

The dumper MIGHT come back if you go into NC, but you have to honestly do NC with the purpose of moving on.

 

Explicitly using NC to try to get them back will usually fail because you're trying to fool yourself and the dumper.

[Fouts]

Honestly, NC is just a crutch for weakness. You don't have contact with someone because you move on with your life and start to experience other things and people, not because your afraid of getting suck backed in (i.e. weakness).

 

When an ex contacted me, I always answered the phone or email. It doesn't change how I conduct myself because we're not together.

[McGrupp]

thats totally cool.

 

when he gets new gf you can totally tell him what a nice gift will be for her b-day.

 

also he can tell you about her meeting his parents, vacations even engagement ideas.

 

do it, and let me know how it goes!

[ADF]

I cannot imagine anyone wanting to burn you at the stake for this. I am glad things worked out for you the way they did. However, most people who go NC do not do it out of revenge. They do it to avoid starting a cycle of breakup/makeup/breakup again that can drag on for years.

[mickleb]

I was impressed with your self-understanding, up until this point. I still think it is very important that you have identified your low self-esteem and that you weren't 'being the person [you] always could be while with him'.

 

The bottom line is, still, that you risk any relationship you choose to enter (and definitely re-enter) into (not that you even have that option, as far as I'm aware?), until you become that 'person you always could be'. We all do.

 

You really should try to work on finding her before you work on finding where he went.

 

I, still, sense that you have a tendency to be kind to others before you are kind to yourself. Quite likely, this guy's rejection of you has opened a chasm of rejection you have already heaped upon yourself. And that's why you feel the need for him to take it all back.

 

The good news is that it is totally within your power to do this. Nobody else, in fact, can do it for you. (To be kind to yourself, that is, and find the person 'you could always be'.)

 

Prove to me that I am wrong and take good, good care of yourself now, please.

 

Or don't. Remember, it's your choice if you want to be with someone who has told you they don't want to be with you.

 

Unfortunately, as he has told you, you don't have a choice to actually be with him.

 

x

[Nikki Sahagin]

I don't think there is anything wrong with contact or no contact. It is what works for you. I do not believe there is a blanket fix for everybody. It is completely dependent on your relationship, your thoughts and your emotions. You can only learn through trial and error what will work for you anyway.

 

Do not base your contact with him or lack of on getting over him. Of course, when you have dumped, ALL that is in your mind is HOW to get over them, but the choice for contact or the lack of contact should be based upon your desire to be his friend, not a desire for a relationship. You have to assume that he will NEVER want you back and so whether you do or don't talk is based on friendship. You don't need to be intimate friends who tell each other everything; it can be a casual friendship that can build in the future if you choose for it too. But you have to want friendship, not a relationship or NC or C will both simply be disapointing because they aren't achieving what you hope for.

[McGrupp]

after the breakup he was texting me at least a few times a day to ask what I was up to, how my day was, and just to make conversation. The whole time I was very distraught...

 

so you went NC because you felt like ****.

 

When I finally got back in contact with him yesterday he was glad to hear from me... told me he was quite sad when I sent the NC message.

 

course he was glad. you finally said you were going to move on. he didnt have you as a backup anymore.

 

And causually mentioned that it made him feel scolded and betrayed. I apologized and told him I was confused, wasnt sure what to do (which was very true), and I hoped I didnt push him away.

 

omg!! he felt bad!! he ****ing dumped you!!

 

its over its a wrap...its up to you when you decide to be selfish, because he already is...but youll see...maybe hell come back when his new vagina doesnt work out so well

[GrayClouds]

I'm ceasing no contact. Permanently.

 

When I got out of my relationship with my ex he was one of the few dumpers that still talked to me often. Even right after the breakup he was texting me at least a few times a day to ask what I was up to, how my day was, and just to make conversation. The whole time I was very distraught... I loved (and still love) him and wanted (and want) him back. I read online about how no contact could be used as a way of getting my ex back (yes, I know it's mainly just for your own healing... but let's be honest, there are people using it to try and get their ex back).

 

Just as people are using Contact and compromising there own healing to try to get their ex back. Fact is neither one will get them back but only one offer the best opportunity to heal.

 

Instead, I'm now dealing with a different fear: that I pushed my ex away.

 

You are showing a high degree of confidence a decision based upon your fears and insecurity.

 

When I finally got back in contact with him yesterday he was glad to hear from me... told me he was quite sad when I sent the NC message.

 

When someone walks away from you should the priority be to relieve their sadness or your's?

 

And causually mentioned that it made him feel scolded and betrayed. I apologized and told him I was confused, wasnt sure what to do (which was very true), and I hoped I didnt push him away.

 

I am sure you did not push him away. We appreciate the opportunity to have our cake and eat it too. To keep in this spirit you may want to think about offering FWB status to him. That may relieve his sadness even more.

 

Now I'm unsure if things will just bounce back. Before I went NC I know he had an attachment to me, particularly since we had never gone a day without speaking.

I suspect you miss a old routine. Part of healing from a break up not only the emotional pain of rejection, the bio chemical response to loss but simply, not to be confused as easily, learning new routines that uncomfortable. We often hold on to old routines even if they are not helpful and possible hurtful for it give us a sense on control and comfort at time of stress.

 

I suppose only time will tell.... and maybe this needed to happen to teach me something. I learned that the best way to act is always out of love.

 

You are correct. But as mickleb is so accurately questioning, LOVE FOR WHOM?

 

Actions that challenge and inspire you to grow into your highest potential and nurture your soul is the greatest act of love you can perform. Again acting out of fear and desire to make someone else happiness at your expense seldom offers that opportunity.

 

Before I was eating up trash material about getting an ex back that involved schemes and manipulation.... But you know what? Those things dont work on someone who actually has him or herself together. People that have their **** together only respond to things that are genuine.

 

What response are you wanting, for even act the feel genuine possessing ulterior motives are no more honest then manipulative acts with expliced motives.

 

In conclusion, go NC if you need to HEAL.... and if it is exclusively for YOU. That is what NC is for. But DO NOT go NC for the purpose of getting your ex back.

 

And do not stay in contact with your ex to get them back. If they walked away they are putting themselves ahead of the realtionship. When that happens you need to do the same.