EasyHeart Posted April 3, 2010 Posted April 3, 2010 For me (and most guys I've talked to), we decide pretty much instantaneously. I always say that world is made up of two kinds of women: women I'd sleep with and women I wouldn't. Are women the same way? For instance, suppose you met a guy, hung out for a few hours, liked him, but just didn't feel any chemistry or sexual attraction. Would you go out with him again? Would you change your mind later on and decide that you wanted to sleep with him? Or would the lack of physical attraction pretty much end his chance for romance?
SoleMate Posted April 3, 2010 Posted April 3, 2010 I believe that for many women, the decision is far more complex than attracted vs. not attracted. There are all the consequences to be thought of: emotional, social, other r/s, the future, physical risks...... The perception as to whether or not a man is attractive can be quick, but it can also take a while. Looks/appearance can be evaluated in a snap, but personality, charm, character, attentiveness, etc. take a while to be fully seen.
OceanTropic Posted April 3, 2010 Posted April 3, 2010 Same here. Within an eyes glance I would decide if I would sleep with him. If I met a guy I liked and wasn't physically attracted, why would I force myself to sleep with him? Just cuz he's nice? I don't think so.
carhill Posted April 3, 2010 Posted April 3, 2010 OP, IMO she knows the *potential* for accepting a man's sexual/romantic advances immediately. Whether that potential is realized depends on other factors than one singular impression. IOW, she makes note of the buzz in her hormones and files it away for future use, the future being perhaps 10 seconds or perhaps ten years or anything in between, as mood and/or circumstances indicate. I've lived this and have done the 'wtf, where did that come from?' The other, scarier, dynamic is sociopathy, but today is positive Saturday
melodymatters Posted April 3, 2010 Posted April 3, 2010 This is a complicated one !!!! For starters, yes, we can see somone and know that we think he's hot and would like to sleep with him IF, IF, his personality is also good. Then there are the people we would never pick out of a crowded room, but after being exposed to their wit, charm, warmth and intelligence, we realize that we find them very attractive. Then, there are the people we simply find unattractive, and they could be Jesus and we still wouldn't want to bang them. I guess we have a few more layers than Yes, or No in ten seconds !
threebyfate Posted April 3, 2010 Posted April 3, 2010 You'll find women from one end of the spectrum where they'll sleep with the guy that night, to women on the complete other end of the spectrum where it takes inordinate amounts of time. *waits for the repressed/frigid insults from men* As SoleMate has stated, attraction isn't as simple for most women, as most men. You can find someone physically appealing at first glance but within a minute of talking to them, shut down completely. A lot of men will leap into bed with anyone who he finds physically attractive. Worse yet, some men will leap into bed with anything, just to get off. [rant]From what I've read on LS, a lot of men could give a flying f**k about anything beyond a mute walking vagina, capable of meeting both his sexual appetite and feeding him, with no fuss or worse yet, personal needs.[/end rant] LS tends to create a cognitive dissonance within me. What I read on LS is so very different than real life. It tends to make me incredibly cynical. I have to keep in mind that it's a site full of people behaving badly, due to emotional trauma and for some, personality disorders.
khria Posted April 3, 2010 Posted April 3, 2010 hmm. I pretty much decide instantaneously whether or not I'm physically attracted... but even a very strong physical attraction doesn't (for me) equal an instant romp in the sack. Actually, I usually wait a long time before taking things to the next level... can be in the months, I'm sure (until we've built a mutual sense of respect/trust, etc).
melodymatters Posted April 3, 2010 Posted April 3, 2010 Indeed ! I posted based on instant or non instant attraction levels, but even if everything is firing on all cylinders from second one, a relationship would have to form before I would ACTUALLY sleep with him !
harmfulsweetz Posted April 3, 2010 Posted April 3, 2010 It depends entirely on the situation. There are guys I look at and think straight away 'yes please!', then there are the guys whom at first glance, I may not be entirely attracted so as to consider sleeping with him, but through conversation and time, I think about it more and more. Of course, there are also guys in my 'I would never...' pile but that can also be a looks related/personality related thing too. However, I generally find that sometimes physical attraction isn't so much a choice, in that we can't always justify why we find someone attractive vs someone unattractive, you know? There are forces at work which can't be explained to us, chemicals which allow for attraction to take place. Ever seen someone you found across the board attractive, and asked your friend what they thought? Bearing in mind, you think they are aesthetically pleasing to every female/male going, and turns out, your friend thinks they are bleurgh? Or just OK? See, I think when you get people let's take Angelina Jolie for example, she's blatantly drop dead gorgeous, yet there are some men who do not find her attractive. Not that they don't find them beautiful, or appreciate her looks, just they don't think she is attractive to them. I'm on a tangent now. I think it's harder for women than men, because men, generally do not need any connection to a woman in order to sleep with her. Women typically do. Not all, but most. So it's harder to answer. How quickly do I decide? it depends on what I want from it. If I simply want sex, I'll go merely based on physical attraction over emotional and intellectual attraction, if I want more, I'll go for all three. It varies. Currently, there's like two guys in my work who I so would given the chance. Sorry to say it, but they are...hot! :love:;) I couldn't care if they are total jerks, I would still...to say I did. Joke.
Author EasyHeart Posted April 3, 2010 Author Posted April 3, 2010 I can understand the situation where a woman sees an attractive guy, but then loses interest when she talks to him and discovers he's a jerk, an idiot, a player, etc. Men (at least those looking for any kind of relationship) do the same thing with women, believe it or not. I'm more curious about the opposite situation: I have a friend who met a guy on a blind date, liked hanging out with him, but said there was no chemistry and she couldn't see anything ever happening with him sexually. But she's still dating him. Why would she do that?
carhill Posted April 3, 2010 Posted April 3, 2010 I have a friend who met a guy on a blind date, liked hanging out with him, but said there was no chemistry and she couldn't see anything ever happening with him sexually. But she's still dating him. Why would she do that? Asking her would be the easiest and most clear methodology If she's truly 'dating' him, in light of her disclosures, that's emotional abuse, IMO. I've been abused enough to know. She knew right away, but is still f*cking his mind. It's perfectly healthy to not find someone attractive and state it clearly. What she's doing is not healthy. Tell her I said so
ingridh Posted April 3, 2010 Posted April 3, 2010 I won't sleep with anyone who smokes, has bad breath or/and body odour. Period. Even he is George Clooney. That said, I have no set rules as to how quickly to get into the sack with a guy. I have been hanging out with this handsome man who is a personal trainer, a gorgeous 10, and is interested in me.... but, somehow I am just not sexually attracted to him. Not even a kiss. And no, don't think it will happen in the future either. The chemistry is just not there.
Tres Posted April 3, 2010 Posted April 3, 2010 No, I do not even think about sleeping with a guy at the first meeting because I do not do ONSs. Even if I want to sleep with a guy, it is a man's decision to figure out if he is horny for me. It does not matter that I want a guy since if he does not want me there is nothing that I can do about it. But, I can feel chemistry right away. Then, the guy lets me know what he wants from me. If he makes it clear that he wants me, I will start thinking about if I want to have sex with him too.
Mme. Chaucer Posted April 4, 2010 Posted April 4, 2010 Asking her would be the easiest and most clear methodology If she's truly 'dating' him, in light of her disclosures, that's emotional abuse, IMO. I've been abused enough to know. She knew right away, but is still f*cking his mind. I must beg to differ. Through my life, I have only been attracted to guys who were "dangerous." I was extremely drawn to that edge and potential for trouble. I ended up marrying a most dangerous fellow and when that went bad, it went bad in a terrible way. After recovering somewhat from that horror, I began to dabble in the world of dating. I was actually afraid that if I felt real attraction towards any man, it would be a sign that I should RUN. That led me to date a few really nice men for whom I felt NO attraction. I was trying with all my might to change my self destructive pattern. If the man was nice, a good person in the world (not just with me), had values and a lifestyle that I respected, I decided to give him a chance. That entailed some significant dating without any attraction. I was NOT "emotionally abusing" the fellows (and I am thinking of one really good guy in particular). I will say that it was not an ideal situation for them; they were being experimented with - but isn't dating experimenting anyway? I truly hoped that something would "grow." Well ... nothing did grow. When I knew that was an absolute, I stopped "dating" him. Happily, I ended up meeting someone with whom I share a great attraction. I don't think he's dangerous ... I guess that's been supplanted by just plain eccentric. And adorable! Back to the topic; I HOPED I would one day want to sleep with "dating experiment" man, but nope. "Eccentric adorable" man - I predicted we would not only sleep together but spend our lives together the first time I heard his voice.
carhill Posted April 4, 2010 Posted April 4, 2010 IMO, and this is gender-neutral, if a person is leading someone on, knowing consciously, to the point of clearly and concisely stating that they feel no attraction and will never have any romantic interest in the person they're dating, it's abuse, or more precisely, manipulation. I said that, in clear words, to one person who did that to me. Despicable. I know how women couch things in 'well, maybe, or if this, or if that, or well I don't know we'll see'. It just doesn't fly with me anymore. Of course, if you didn't see those 'dangerous' guys as abusive, then it would make sense to be oblivious to the reverse. I recognize their patterns as equally abusive. Can one be a benevolent abuser? Sure, I had a marriage full of that, on both sides. Unhealthy. If you're unsure, and clearly the OP is stating that is *not* the case here, absolutely date someone until you are. I did that over the last couple months. Wasn't sure, continued dating. People-picker alert went off, next. That's normal. The difference was I *felt* something for the person I was dating; a desire, interest and attraction and was dating her to explore it and get to know her. I would not have asked her out again if there was *nothing*, like the OP is stating, because IMO, that's abusive. Hope that makes my position clear.
Author EasyHeart Posted April 4, 2010 Author Posted April 4, 2010 Asking her would be the easiest and most clear methodology If she's truly 'dating' him, in light of her disclosures, that's emotional abuse, IMO. I've been abused enough to know. She knew right away, but is still f*cking his mind. It's perfectly healthy to not find someone attractive and state it clearly. What she's doing is not healthy. Tell her I said so "Asking" didn't get much. Something like "I like him. We'll see where it goes". I didn't feel comfortable pushing more than that. It just seemed really strange after she said there was no chemistry and she couldn't see herself ever sleeping with him. Don't feel too bad for the guy -- he's kind of a douche. Just got divorced and thinks he is quite the player. This woman is way out of his league looks-wise. He's probably thinking he's hit the jackpot. I can see this woman throwing him a mercy-screw, so who knows? I just know that if I met a girl and wasn't attracted to her, I wouldn't bother with a second date and was wondering if it's different for women.
carhill Posted April 4, 2010 Posted April 4, 2010 Well, that's a whole boatload of unhealthy, so I'll bow out. Hope it works out for them *Yes*, it can be *different* for men and women who don't have fully formed and mature emotional centers. Not far different from doormat behaviors I exhibited in my younger life when dating such women, or, rather, thinking I was after they had already stuck me in the 'good enough to buy me dinner now until the next guy I want to bang comes along' category. I played my role too, just as unhealthily. No 'one' is a jackpot, woman or man. Hope the guy gets that memo if not already there. I can't imagine a guy fresh out of a bad M not having his spidey sense on full intensity or being in bang-only mode.
aerogurl87 Posted April 4, 2010 Posted April 4, 2010 Well that all depends, when I was single I usually put a guy into one of three categories after talking for about 10 minutes. There was the 1) f**kable category (meaning if the guy was hot but I found I was only attracted to him physically so if the moment came and I wanted to just have sex, he'd become a FWB) 2) potential boyfriend material (meaning I'd definitely sleep with him but not too easily because something about him made me want more out of him than just sex) and 3) just friends (meaning I wasn't attracted physically but found that I enjoyed their company and would therefore be friends, but not have sex with them).
Lizzie60 Posted April 4, 2010 Posted April 4, 2010 I don't know about you..I'm not a man... but I think it is waaay more complicated than just : yes or no. I've met guys that I felt no chemistry (no sexual attraction) on the first date... they called me again... (it happened twice that I can recall).. asking me to give them one more chance.. after I told them that I felt no chemistry... blablabla... I met them again... and with one.. it was amazing... from the 3rd date on... the other one I slept with for over 2 years.. but the chemistry was not as high as with the other guy... In other cases, I knew right away that I would sleep with them...
jthorne Posted April 4, 2010 Posted April 4, 2010 (edited) I can decide in an instant if I'm attracted to someone. But my hooking up days are long over. I don't make love to men I'm not in love with. Guess I'm square that way. Edited April 4, 2010 by jthorne
aerogurl87 Posted April 4, 2010 Posted April 4, 2010 f*** a man only cause he's hot? Strange. Lol, well if he's hot but has nothing else going for him and I find myself bored with his personality, but I'm horny, then yeah I wouldn't mind sleeping with him. A girl does have needs, ya know?
Rittenhouse Posted April 4, 2010 Posted April 4, 2010 There's words for those who have sex with strangers and they are not good words. True enough, but this guy has done it -- not often, but recently -- and so is not in a position to criticize.
SaintDragon Posted April 4, 2010 Posted April 4, 2010 I'll have my say and you can have yours. Please don't respond to Jeff....he's been reported.
harmfulsweetz Posted April 4, 2010 Posted April 4, 2010 Lol, well if he's hot but has nothing else going for him and I find myself bored with his personality, but I'm horny, then yeah I wouldn't mind sleeping with him. A girl does have needs, ya know? Exactly. If a guy is hot, and sexually appealing in that way, he's f**kable. If I was in need of sex, then yeah, he can be a jerk, all he likes, I'd still hit that.
Author EasyHeart Posted April 4, 2010 Author Posted April 4, 2010 Well, that's a whole boatload of unhealthy, so I'll bow out. Hope it works out for them *Yes*, it can be *different* for men and women who don't have fully formed and mature emotional centers. Not far different from doormat behaviors I exhibited in my younger life when dating such women, or, rather, thinking I was after they had already stuck me in the 'good enough to buy me dinner now until the next guy I want to bang comes along' category. I played my role too, just as unhealthily. No 'one' is a jackpot, woman or man. Hope the guy gets that memo if not already there. I can't imagine a guy fresh out of a bad M not having his spidey sense on full intensity or being in bang-only mode. Hey, don't misunderstand me -- I'm not defending her. Or him. This struck me as really strange, which is why I bothered to post it here. Maybe I'm over thinking it and the simple answer is "she's messed up"? My impression is that the guy is in bang-only mode, as you call it. The divorce is very recent, but he claims that the relationship has been over "for a long time" and he only stayed married to his wife because she got cancer(!) and need his insurance. But somehow they have a 6 month old baby and he's involved in a bitter custody dispute. That kind of stuff is enough to make most women run away screaming, imo. Add this to the "no chemistry" and I am baffled why there would be a second (and third and fourth) date. And personally, I DON'T want it to work out. This woman has been through a lot and the guy sounds pretty creepy. I don't want her to get hurt. My best guess is that she a little lonely and "something is better than nothing". She's been divorced for about two years, started dating again about a year ago, and hasn't had much luck. Maybe she just likes the attention. Or being able to tell her friends that she's dating. I don't know.
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