When an FWB thing ends, can you be friends?

[dancehead]

Hi

 

My FWB found a boyfriend around 6 months ago. When she told me I cleared off and have been doing no contact until last week. We had been doing this FWB thing for 9 years and this is not the first time this has happened; When she split with the last one we went back to FWB. I don't think she loves me in the right way and I think she wonders the same about me. I keep telling her we don't know if we could work because we have never tried or even dated properly. Anyhow she kept phoning me so much I finally picked up chatted for a long time and all she wants to do now is be good friends without the sex.

 

Am I her fallback plan? I am not sure I can handle being friends. Is it possible to be friends in this situation? Sometimes I wish I had not picked up. I think the main problem is I don't like the idea of being downgraded from sex friend to just friends. Also I am not good enough to date properly but good enough for her to have sex with me. Oh the other thing she says is that I should have just got her pregnant years ago and it would all have worked out. Or that if I had met her now in her frame of mind now where she does want a relationship we could have been together. That does not make me feel any better!

 

Anyway can anyone offer advice please?

[bolase]

I don't know, but it is really nice to hear a guy feeling the way I am feeling and that it is possible you actually want to be valued as more than just fwb.

 

Best of luck to you. I think it is possible just to be friends, just don't hold out hope for more than that, and pursue other people when you meet ones youre interested in.

[dancehead]

Thanks for the msg. Yes it happened to me. I think that was because the FWB was her idea. Usually its the guys? Anyway I have a date on Monday with someone offf a dating site. I am not so sure it will go well because of the way I am feeling with the ex FWB situation in myself, and this date is really sporty and I feel I am not an busy action type enough for it to go well.!

[bolase]

Yeah I am still feeling a little bit sad/indecisive about my friend, but am hanging out with a new guy who is different from me, and completely different from the other guy - he treat me way better and inspires me...good to be around someone who challenges you, hope you are happily surprised anyways

[carhill]

FWB is an agreement to have no romantic emotional involvement, but rather non-emotional sex to fulfill that human need. Perhaps it's the 'friends' part which is confusing you. Think of it as reruns of 'Cheers' with an open bar. A familiar watering hole. You leave and go back to your life, which has nothing to do with the FWB person.

 

In order to be a proper FWB, you must avoid being her tampon. If you don't, what will happen is you will become her FWOB tampon buddy while her dating partner/BF will become her banging carefree because she's got you to talk to main man.

 

My advice is to match her words up with her actions. If that balance doesn't sound healthy, let her know the contract is up. You're a free agent

[dancehead]

FWB is an agreement to have no romantic emotional involvement, but rather non-emotional sex to fulfill that human need. Perhaps it's the 'friends' part which is confusing you. Think of it as reruns of 'Cheers' with an open bar. A familiar watering hole. You leave and go back to your life, which has nothing to do with the FWB person.

 

It wasn't with her. We spent a lot of time together. We spoke for hours on the phone sometimes every day and still can. We went on holiday. We did coupley things. It wasn't just emotionless sex, at times it was romantic sex - I love yous said etc. Valentines day was always big thing for her. I eventually got a proper girlfriend, she got jealous and wanted me to leave her for her. But that stuff never lasted and we never managed or tried properly to have a real relationship. The most we ever did was maybe a day of being like that and then we would be back to FWB the next day.

. If you don't, what will happen is you will become her FWOB tampon buddy while her dating partner/BF will become her banging carefree because she's got you to talk to main man.

Do you mean that if I stay talking to her she gets the best of both worlds, ie she has BF for sex and commitment but still has good old me who talks to her for hours on end? (I know she doesn't do that with bf)

 

I can't help thinking that if I continue to talk to her and be this now FWOB we will get on even better because there will be no more arguements about 'us' anymore and no pressure. This could make us even closer so might make me feel more for her than ever yet she may not feel the same way. Thus making the situation worse for me. For example now we are talking again, I do not want to call her because this easter she is probably with her bf right now it makes me rather sick thinking about what they might be doing. And I don't want to interrupt her or have her talk about me to the bf boosting her ego. I know she talks about other ex's who still hold a flame for her to me, so I bet she talks to this BF about me. She definately told him when they hooked up that I am a friend who is very important to her. It was at this point I cut contact.!!

[carhill]

Question: In general, do you think this is healthy? Intimacy one day, emotional and sexual, then nothing the next? Sounds like a mind f*ck to me, especially when factoring in the jealousy part.

 

Probably not applicable, but I have experienced this dynamic, sans the intercourse part, a couple of times. Bi-polar, either self-medicated or when off rx meds. For a long time, in one case, I thought it was me. I've learned to accept that is how some people are and have either cut contact completely or remain distant emotionally.

[ADF]

Your situation is a bit usual. In most FWB situations, it the man who is perfectly happy with no-strings sex, and the woman who gets attached. In your case, the opposite has occured.

 

You are most definately her backup plan. Most guys would be fine with that, but clearly you are not. You want more from her, and she is unwilling to give it to you. You had this FWB things going on for 9 years. If anything more was going to develop between you, it would have by now.

 

It is time to leave this person behind. You've outgrown the whole FWB nonsense. Find someone who is on the same page as you, who wants the kind of relationship you want. You'll be much happier.

[carhill]

Question, as a non-FWB person. Is the woman's 'jealousy' of the OP's interest in other women just a mind-f*ck to keep him in line? I mean, if it were truly FWB, she wouldn't care, right? They'd handle dating others as he is now, saying goodbye, stopping sex and enjoying their respective relationships. What purpose does the display of jealousy serve or what is it indicative of?

[dancehead]

I don't know apart from she could never make her mind up what she wanted. if she wanted a relationship or what. Interesting you said about bi-polar disorder I wonder if she has a mild case of that. Anyway she now says that FWB is rubbish and she never wants to put me through that again. When I reminded her how she seduced me to make me stray from my then gf, she said 'what a bitch I was'. Like she had forgot even doing it.

 

Anyway I think the reason for it to be me who isn't happy with it is because I was the one who wanted to properly date when we met, it was her idea to do the FWB. It was all new to me.

[carhill]

Beware. I've experienced women in the manic phase of bi-polar behave completely inappropriately and hyper-sexually. I'm talking about people who are in LTRs or married. Then, the next day, it is like nothing had happened or, worse, evil behaviors. It's the rapid flip-flop which I came to define as parts of the disease process. Regardless of dx, and I'm talking about confirmed, medicated cases, the behaviors can still be embarrassing and unnerving. Unless there are a boatload of good things about that person, I just leave them be. Disappear.

 

No armchair dx here, but just some things to watch for. IMO, the behaviors sound off. I'd say, since she's got a BF, go out and date and find yourself a steady stable lady and, if FWB lady gives you any trouble, disconnect her. Life's too short.

[OndaChin]

"I think the main problem is I don't like the idea of being downgraded from sex friend to just friends." -Your Quote

 

 

My advice: Don't accept the downgrade!!

 

Trade up! Get yourself an "Upgrade" by going out and meeting a better piece of A$$ then she ever was.

 

I bet when you do this....

 

She'll feel discarded and want to come back (break up your happy home). Funny how they seem to do that sort of thing.

 

Good Luck!

[dancehead]

Yes I did that before. Went out and found a nice girlfriend and we were together about 3 years. The FWB girl hated me being with her and tried lots of things even wanting me to leave the gf for her.

 

But time to find myself another better piece of ass like you say.

[dg2003]

This is a really tough situation. I am currently in the same situation and just ending it is easier said than done. Once you develop feelings for the FWB it is really hard to change how you feel. I have been trying to get out of this with this guy with still remaining friends and I don't know how to do it. I honestly don't think it's possible. I have been trying to think of a solution to this, how can I end this with still being his friend and I think the only way to completly put an end to this is to stop all contact. I don't know about you, but I am not at the point yet where I can do that and I don't know when I will be. So in response to your question, no, I don't think it is possible to remain friends with this person.

[mirage01]

This is a really tough situation. I am currently in the same situation and just ending it is easier said than done. Once you develop feelings for the FWB it is really hard to change how you feel. I have been trying to get out of this with this guy with still remaining friends and I don't know how to do it. I honestly don't think it's possible. I have been trying to think of a solution to this, how can I end this with still being his friend and I think the only way to completly put an end to this is to stop all contact. I don't know about you, but I am not at the point yet where I can do that and I don't know when I will be. So in response to your question, no, I don't think it is possible to remain friends with this person.

 

Thats why FWB is the dumbest concept around, unless you enjoy ruining friendships and being hurt or hurting. 95% of the time at least.

[dancehead]

Yes. I thought I could handle just being her friend but I'm having trouble again. I had been doing the NC thing since last September. But she did not give up phoning and texting time and time again day after day, so I finally caved in and spoke to her. Its been hard but I have virtually given up ever being with her properly and I decided I would let her contact me and try to be the friend she says she misses so much. After a long time I agreed to try to be friends with her instead of ignoring her calls. I really think she does not care for me even as a friend now - if she did she would be making more of an effort to talk to me - two weeks and she has not been in touch at all. Given that we never really resolved the discussions and she knew that it was difficult for me she should have made some effort. If this is how her friendship is (which she was trying so hard to convince me to give her) then I feel like I never should have picked up the phone again and was still doing NC!

 

It really is not easy and to top it off I had a date with someone else a few weeks ago which went well but I have not heard from the woman since. Annoyed with the whole thing is it really worth it? I might as well stay single until I die and leave my estate to a worthy cause.

[stillafool]

FWB is an agreement to have no romantic emotional involvement, but rather non-emotional sex to fulfill that human need. Perhaps it's the 'friends' part which is confusing you. Think of it as reruns of 'Cheers' with an open bar. A familiar watering hole. You leave and go back to your life, which has nothing to do with the FWB person.

 

In order to be a proper FWB, you must avoid being her tampon. If you don't, what will happen is you will become her FWOB tampon buddy while her dating partner/BF will become her banging carefree because she's got you to talk to main man.

 

My advice is to match her words up with her actions. If that balance doesn't sound healthy, let her know the contract is up. You're a free agent

 

Yes I agree. I was thinking about FWB relationships last night and how it relates to prostitution. I mean no money is exchanged but it is you give me your body and I will give you mine - no one owes anyone anything and are supposed to walk away until the next time.

 

A lot of the so called FWB relationships I read on this board seem more like people who are having sex with someone in hopes of the other person wanting a relationship. They don't seem to separate their emotions from the sexual act and there's a lot of jealousy. I don't think these really are FWB relationships but people who are dating and hoping for a commitment.